How can I best support my autistic daughter through pregnancy?

[SmilingNana]

I have recently been told that I'm going to be a Nana by my Autistic 22yr old who is also out of work. I am absolutely over the moon but I am also worried about how I best advise her 🥺

Bluntly, it's not a horses bolted situation unless the OP's daughter is beyond the point at which her pregnancy could be terminated.

The baby does have a dad too though. Hopefully he is working and will support financially.

No it isn’t in some situations but the op has already indicated that a termination is not going to happen.

There’s a lot of judgement on this thread, dressed up as concern. Lots of people are unprepared for parenthood but once the baby arrives, they step up.

Although it’s a pity that those who decide to abandon their kids, not pay maintenance, prioritise sexual partners over their own flesh and blood etc, do not refrain from procreation. Being autistic does not mean a person will be a terrible parent.

Being autistic certainly doesn't, no. I have several autistic friends who are admirable parents -- in one case, it's an autistic woman married to an autistic man with two YA autistic children, all wonderful. The difference is that every one of these friends were functional, having studied and lived independently and worked for years before having children, and they thought about whether parenting was something they would be able to do adequately before they did it. And they also thought hard about the likelihood of having autistic children who might find daily functioning more difficult than they did.

Also I can’t say if my support needs are comparable to your daughters because I don’t know her but before I had kids people would have probably said similar things about me (minus the not being able to get out of bed thing, I’ve always been up and out early). You need to focus on getting her coping mechanisms now and also finding additional support maybe from the health visitor or social services. I think pregnancy will probably be a sensory struggle for her simply based off my own experience, it was awful the first time as I said in my PP. Especially with morning sickness and when she started kicking the first few times it really did freak me out.

There’s an organisation called ND Birth that might be helpful. They run antenatal education specifically for ND parents.

We don’t ‘perceive’ , you’ve told us she struggled doing anything for herself and wants everyone to do everything for her. That sounds like some one planning to totally depend on you to parent her baby and to parent her, which is a life sentence for you.

people are not judging because of ‘unprepared for parenthood’ , they are judging because she can’t even look after herself much less a baby. Most people judge anyone who can’t look after themselves for deciding to have a baby.

Yes. It is interesting that the OPs worries centre on her daughters needs and not on the life this poor child is going to have. Just because someone can get pregnant ( and I do wonder what contraceptive advice she was given as a vulnerable sexually active woman, and by whom) doesn’t mean that they are cut out to be the best parent for a child. Of course the ops daughter might buck the trend, but from what the op describes as her current ability to care for herself and her own basic needs I very much doubt it.

And I guess she is expecting you to all continue to put her up, plus baby, and all the upheaval that will cause? Sounds incredibly unfair on you all.

Why should there not be judgment? This vulnerable young woman, who needs help in many areas of life, is bringing a BABY into the world. And OP sees nothing alarming about this. I judge anyone who would not question if this is 100% sensible and sustainable.

Which could be at any time, if it would be a detriment to the health of OP's daughter.

I agree with other posters, lots of unnecessary judgement on this thread, and anyway this baby is wanted and on its way.
What are your daughter’s strengths OP? What can she do?
Many parents need additional support in all sorts of ways. At her booking appt she needs to be clear about her needs and concerns and then appropriate support can be organised.

Is it actually a good idea for her to have a baby?

It doesn't sound like it does it? Not on any level. However, there is fuck all any of us can do about that. The OP has said a termination isn't going to happen and if this girl wants a baby she will be told it's her right to have a baby. How she will support it financially, emotionally, practically is clearly neither here nor there, so we just have to hope that there are enough supportive people around her to regularly monitor things and make sure that the child doesn't grow up in a completely dysfunctional and inadequate environment.

I remember reading a thread where an autistic woman glibly described some of the things that passed for normal in her house in regard to her autism and how it affected her parenting and honestly, I was horrified. Those poor kids don't stand a chance. I only hope someone else in their lives is working to plug the gaps in their emotional development that are being caused by their mother's inability to cope. Such as a dislike of having them want to touch her.... and regular meltdowns in front of the children where her partner knows that he needs to 'pick her up and carry her' to another room so she can calm down on her own. This is the mother we are talking about, not some hangry two year old. Seriously. Can you imagine young children growing up with this?

Given the sheer scale of young people roughly this age and younger who identify as autistic, ADHD, highly anxious or depressed, too physically weak to stand up for long, have poor concentration spans, an inability to organise themselves and are pretty much unemployable due to all of the above, we can expect to see a whole new generation of children born into some very challenging situations indeed in the next ten years or so.

If teachers think they have it hard now with huge numbers of children arriving at school not potty trained at four and not able to sit still and listen for 2 minutes and having violent outbursts at 5 and 6 years old, just wait until those children start having children. We are fucked.

There is a charity called Autistic Parents UK, they have a Facebook page and may be of support and help to you and your daughter.
good luck with it all, you are being an amazing mum supporting your daughter xx

A friends daughter who has ASD had a baby 4 months ago has done every night feed on top of working full time as her daughter can't get out of bed. She's wishing she could turn back the clock as much as she loves her grandson

Why turn back the clock, what could she have done that would have made the outcome different?

You think that's more horrific than the prospect of people who have serious LDs or MH problems or can't cope with normal day to day challenges of life without having an autistic or ADHD meltdown being in charge of nurturing a baby for 18 years? Wow. I think I must exist in a moral and ethical parallel universe sometimes.

If she's genuinely incapable of looking after herself at least adequately then she's going to be incapable of meeting a child's needs. It's one thing when it's a young person who has yet to learn life skills and quite another when it's someone (of any age really) that is not capable of learning them. Not everyone is suitable to be a parent.

I have no words for this, how ignorant.

Did you read the OP? She said she was 'Over the moon'. So yes , congratulations I thought

Yes - a forced termination is a huge violation of a woman’s rights and leads to severe MH issues . It happened in the not so distant past as I mentioned and it’s not the solution. Seems like you think it should be .

It’s quite the contradiction on here sometimes. When someone posts about their adult child with autism not coping or not able to do certain things people fall over themselves to explain that that’s just who they are and they can’t possibly ever change because autism isn’t their fault and getting them to try and mask is akin to abusing them etc. Apparently if someone could stop being autistic they wouldn’t be autistic so they will never be able to cope with certain things and allowances have to be made for that. The entire world needs to make adjustments for autistic people apparently so they don’t need to mask or deal with anything they find uncomfortable etc. Yet in the next breath people think someone with autism who can’t do anything for themselves will suddenly turn into someone able to cope with many things they otherwise apparently couldn’t AT ALL. Someone who couldn’t deal with noise or change will simply be able to deal with it after giving birth.

The situation doesn’t say much about his judgement though does it. Getting a woman who still lives at home because she can’t take care of her own basic needs including her hygiene pregnant.