How can I best support my autistic daughter through pregnancy?

[SmilingNana]

I have recently been told that I'm going to be a Nana by my Autistic 22yr old who is also out of work. I am absolutely over the moon but I am also worried about how I best advise her 🥺

I did. It’s a complete mess and OP should only be over the moon if she wants to be fully responsible for a baby, a 22 year old and the other sister living there.

Actually I'd advocate for court mandated birth control implants or injections for some women and girls. Then forced terminations wouldn't be necessary.

What support do you think the state will provide that will enable this young woman to parent adequately?

To be fair the vast majority of 22 year olds still live at home. They can't afford to do otherwise. Even the ones with jobs. It looks like this one will only manage to leave home because she'll probably now be eligible for state funded housing, on account of having a baby she can't support either financially or practically.

Great isn't it? Just fucking great.

What would your criteria be for this forced birth control

And what about ND men are you drugging them too?

Absolutely I would, if there was a non-surgical, non-permanent way of giving men a long term, reliable form of BC akin to the implant or injection or coil, but there isn't, sadly. Which is why I didn't mention men. HTH.

I am interested to know this as well.

Why not permanent?

This. It sounds like she's gonna fail this poor baby big time.

@DeaneHaHa off the top of my head, a thorough children’s social care assessment of family network strengths and needs and adult social care support under the care act 2014 domain of caring for a child. Ongoing support and monitoring for her to develop her parenting capacity and if this doesn’t happen, escalation to child protection if needed.

Anyone who has a mental health condition, personality disorder, LD or autism diagnosis deemed significant enough that them having a baby would be highly problematic, extremely resource intensive in terms of the constant support required across multiple agencies, the likelihood that that child would ultimately end up in the care and adoption system, and not in the best interests of the mother or the child. For the mother it would be about her mental wellbeing and her ability to cope with the challenges and whether she has the capacity to understand what's required to raise a child well, or even adequately.

For the child it would be about the risks to their emotional development, meeting milestones and general wellbeing etc while being parented by someone with significant issues. And of course in the case of autism there is also a strong likelihood for the autism to be inherited, so the more severe the autism, the bigger the problem and the risk.

Panels of experts would get to decide who met the threshold for mandatory intervention. It wouldn't be permanent and could be regularly reviewed on a case by case basis, depending on the disability or MH condition in question and the likelihood of the situation improving.

Wow. That is eugenics and utterly abhorrent.

This is horrendous.

Because depending on the condition there might be a chance for improvement with therapy and medication. But in theory, for some people of both sexes I wouldn't be against permanent sterilisation.

hello Op

just a different perspective, I am autistic and struggled with all these things I was a nightmare. Lived independently (with dh) 2 months before giving birth to my first child and ever since. We’re both doing great. My parents supported me for the first 3 years, my mum would come round one or twk days and help me with ds and teach me things like cooking or cleaning or whatever. Moved away from them when he was 6 and we have a really good life. Just letting you know autistic people can adapt and learn, as I am sure your daughter will. Good luck x

It is the case that it would be better if some babies were not born and some women not able to get pregnant and some men not able to impregnate women. You just have to watch the news to realise this and we need to face up to that in order to reduce suffering. I am not saying this is the case here and hope things work out as well as possible but it doesn't sound like the ideal situation to bring a child into. Saying congratulations is just bonkers imho.

Hi OP I agree with many here.

There are some mums with autism on this thread like @LittleRobins or @GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf who show huge self awareness and manage proactively.

Does your daughter have that kind of awareness? Can she regulate, step away when it is getting too much?

I am the child of an autistic parent who did not have that awareness. I am going to be honest, our lives revolved around his needs and it wasn't fair.

Posters here are talking about a baby, but she will be raising a child. A toddler who will tantrum. A tween who will talk back. Etc. Will she cope?

My dad could not manage when we were noisy and he was tired, or if we did not behave as he thought we should. Can you imagine how scary it is to be 5 or 6 and your parent has a full meltdown in front of you? Even when he did not get dysregulated to that extent, everything revolved around his rules and his sensory needs. If we were listening to quiet music, he would just stalk into the room and switch it off. We could not have friends over, like ever, as it was too much for him. He had fixed ideas in his mind due to his own upbringing about how girls should act, not his fault but he couldn't change his rigid thinking so it ruled our lives.

I am not trying to project but I would urge you to think seriously about whether your daughter can put aside her own behaviours consistently to parent a child.

Please also keep in mind that there is a genetic component to neurodiversity. There is a chance that your future grandchild will be neurodiverse. As someone who is AuDHD but can manage my neurodivergence quite well, parenting is quite hard and having neurodiverse children (mine are not high needs) on top can be incredibly challenging. If I were you I would be expecting to be an incredibly hands on grandparent if she’s already expecting people to do so much for her.

I am not including people with physical disabilities, so no, not really. It's not about creating a perfect race with no risks and no disabilities full stop. It's about accepting that some people do not have the mental capacity to parent adequately and reasonably consistently. That has very little to do with your physical capabilities and rather a lot to do with your mental/neurological/psychological state.

As I said, there would be a threshold to trigger intervention. Because what really risks having awful outcomes for the child, is when its parent/s can't manage to function at an acceptable and emotionally healthy level, or even close.

I know that in some cases some people with significant issues are already strongly encouraged (coerced?) to take long term BC and if they did get PG their baby would be removed at birth, non-negotiable anyway, with no likelihood of return. Sometimes with these very complex and vulnerable women, they've already had several babies or children removed by the time it gets to that point. I'd rather not see any more children put through that, rather than just say what everyone is thinking, which is that some people, very sadly, simply cannot be allowed to have children.

You sound like an amazing Grandmother she’s very lucky to have you.
on a practical note she needs to be sterilised and learn how to parent tho - what if you got poorly and couldn’t help her?

No. It's actually a very compassionate and pragmatic approach which acknowledges things as they really are, and not how we wish they could be.

It really isn’t.

Tell that to people who have been irreparably emotionally damaged by a life with seriously dysfunctional parents.

So you think those children have no right to exist and that they don’t bring worth by being born?