Is 44 too old to ttc?

[Latecomer81]

I have one 11 year old, partner has low motility and therefore suffered secondary infertility for years, when my ds was 5 we got tested to see why we were struggling. We decided to let nature take its course, just keep trying and if it happened it happened and if it didn’t we’d be ok with 1. The older I get the more I wished we’d tried harder as, obviously, no 2 didn’t happen for us. I know one and done is a perfectly good choice for a lot of people but I hate it, I just wished it had turned out differently. I did fall pregnant naturally at 42 which was a surprise but had mmc at 10 weeks. That opened up an old hurt that I thought I’d dealt with. Would I be crazy for trying again at 44 (nearly 45) or just accept once and for all that it’s over? Any advice gladly received..

I think for me I'd have to open a new chapter. You have an 11 year old. Now you can finally have some time for yourself! Nappies and sleepless nights now, at 40+. No thank you!

You’ve got about 5-10% chance of becoming pregnant after a year of trying and around a 50% miscarriage rate.

So for every 100 women in your situation, between 2 and 5 women will have a live birth after 1 year of trying.

Go for it. Said as a 43yr old mum who has just discovered unexpected pregnant.

A few friends of mind had babied in their mid 40's so it isn't impossible but its also not a given and you have to keep in mind you'd be hitting menopause in a few years which a few of my friends with late babies say has taken a sledgehammer to their maternal instincts.

I’m sorry for your loss, and that you’re unhappy with your situation at the moment.

For me, having one child has been great. I don’t know what having two would be like really, but there are definitely advantages to only having one. And even if I had another one now, the age difference would be so much bigger than I’d ever have wanted or planned.

Lots of luck OP.

I wouldn’t. A teen and a toddler would be hard work and the chances of your pregnancy being successful are very small with a higher chance of disability. Focus on your 11 year old who will still need lots of support going into the teen years and enjoy them

I'm sorry that you have had such a tough time. But I think the health risks are quite significant at this age and your 11 year old is entering the teen years and may need a lot of support. Even with a healthy baby you would be dividing your attention but if the baby had disabilities that would be very tough for your existing child.

I think go for it, if you've always planned a no.2.

My mum got pregnant at 43 by accident and had her 5th DC - never regretted it, and in fact said it kept her young. She did have to have lots of tests and extra pre-natal care, and had to cope with all the HCPs gasping at her age (this was in 1989 - older mums are far more accepted now I think!)

You want this and the way I look at it there are two outcomes:

1. it doesn’t happen but you can look back knowing you bloody tried
2. it works out and you get what you always wanted

its hard for people to understand the logic, but sometimes life isn’t logical. If you have enough space, time and money give it one more go and set a deadline to when you close the chapter.

I wouldn't. 11 (12 by the time of birth) years is a massive age gap, you are long out of the days of being tied with a baby/sleepless nights/nappies. 44/45 is pushing it too - don't underestimate how knackering menopause is. I was GREAT at 44/45/46. Menopause hit, and woah, I sure am glad I didn't have a toddler to contend with.
Your existing child will be going into important schooling years, and doubtful needs a baby keeping him up at night, or restricting where you can take him in the evening if he needs a lift or anything like that.
Plus health risks. I'd count my blessings, personally. But good luck if you do go for it.

Do you really want to be dealing with a teenager in your 60s, OP? I suspect not.....

My personal opinion is that 44 is too old to deliberately choose to become pregnant. For many reasons. The chances are very small it will happen at all, the risks to you and a baby are higher. Chances of some birth defects and genetic issues and autism are all increased.
Even if you got pregnant tomorrow you would be 60 before a child was 16.
Obviously a fair amount of people do it though, and plenty of people here will come along and say it’s fine, go for it.

We had an 11 year old were told after his birth I probably wouldn't conceive so upset tho we were we decided if it happened again it happened no contraception or after 11 years of nothing next thing we were pregnant me at 43 with a single then at 44 with twins, so now we have a 16 yr old a 5 yr old and twin 4 yr olds and we literally love every day of it. Who knows why bodies changed but clearly something did at that age for me and just to had had no extra car and all were smooth home births. Also in my friends circle there all 44-46 and 4 have had babies in the last 6 months with no problems

How long did you not use protection for OP? It doesnt sound like it’s anymore likely to happen now than it has been in the last 11 years, you’d just be opening yourself up to a few years of disappointment and probably heartbreak if you did get pregnant. It’d be amazing if it worked out but the chances are so unlikely, I don’t think it’s worth it.

Aww that’s hard. I have 1 and would have liked more. Give it a try but do you want a 5 year old at 50, a 15 year old at 60?? You older child will most likely move out while yhe new child is quite young, so you’ll have one again. I’d rather look ahead to some freedom tbh.

"I hate it, I just wished it had turned out differently"

I hope your existing child isn't picking up on that negativity. Since I was 12 my mum was openly obsessed with trying for more kids, really bitter about pregnant women and babies, talking about IVF etc. She was never very bothered about me, but I completely ceased to exist then. It hurt. Please appreciate the child you have.

That sounds really tough. In you position however, I wouldn't TTC at 44.

When I was 44 I had an 11 year old, am 50 now. I really needed to dig deep for the teen years. Perimenopause also hit a couple of years ago. I have no idea how I would have managed with pregnancy, birth, a baby, then a toddler and a preschooler in addition to a teenager throughout that time.

I am now looking ahead to my DC being more independent and some time to pursue some of my own ambitions and interests.

Maybe speak to a professional about how you're feeling would help. You've been through a lot and I can totally understand your sadness. Good luck.

Our age gap is 6 years but I had my second at 45 and fell pregnant reasonably quickly when we decided to try.

I wanted a second for a long time but circumstances got in the way. The first few months with a newborn were wonderful but now that we’re at the toddler stage it’s quite tough. I’m really tired, much more so than with my first.

On the plus side the older one adores the baby and is helpful, no jealousy, very understanding that baby demands my attention, will play with baby, keep an eye on baby, so much more than I ever dreamed of. I think they are the best thing for each other really and I hope their relationship carries on.

In what way do you wish you’d tried harder? If you were having unprotected sex for years including over ovulation period you were kind of trying. And it didn’t happen. To be honest it’s unlikely trying “harder” would have made much difference. I imagine that would just involve monthly ovulation tracking and/or vitamins and maybe a bit more sex.
I’m not against older mums at all. But I think a lot of people just need to be a bit more realistic at 44+ that it’s unlikely to happen. Everyone on here seems to know multiple 45+ year olds who got pregnant first month trying and had no complications etc. But in my experience many people I know who tried after 42 either weren’t successful at all or had at least one miscarriage.
That’s not to say it DEFINITELY wouldn’t happen for you. But honestly the statistics are low.

The statistics are low-ish even without secondary infertility and the mental health damage trying and failing for another couple of years (or another miscarriage) is not insignificant. Maybe give yourself a little longer to keep trying but put a “end by” date on it in your head and start to process that you are likely to have just one child.

The child you already have needs you! Focus on him - teen years can be amazing if you have time & energy & money (im
assuming all of those as a baby without them would also be less than ideal). Take up a hobby together, travel the world, you could have a great decade together without heartbreak of miscarriages & trauma

In your shoes i wouldn't and I say that as someone who had my kids at 38 and 40.

Not to be negative, but picture what your life would look like with a disabled or SEN child. Would you be able to juggle medical appointments, care needs, work and your other child? If so then go for it!
I have a child with a genetic condition and was 38 when I had her. Always thought I might want a 3rd, but completely changed my mind after she was born. Love her to bits but it's a LOT of stress and worry.

I think at 44, there comes a time where you need to accept it’s not going to happen, sorry op.

I'm 43, we started rrc 4 years ago, fell after 6 months with our first, lost it by 12 weeks, fell after another 6 months with DS now 2, started TTC when he was nearly 1, fell after 6 months, MMC at 12 weeks, fell again after 3 months, a third MMC at 12 weeks, it's broken us, we've made the decision to stop. We had a scan at 8.5 weeks this time, there is a 2-5% chance of MC after that and we will did.
If you can face the losses then go for it, but mentally I wouldn't.