Is 44 too old to ttc?

[Latecomer81]

I have one 11 year old, partner has low motility and therefore suffered secondary infertility for years, when my ds was 5 we got tested to see why we were struggling. We decided to let nature take its course, just keep trying and if it happened it happened and if it didn’t we’d be ok with 1. The older I get the more I wished we’d tried harder as, obviously, no 2 didn’t happen for us. I know one and done is a perfectly good choice for a lot of people but I hate it, I just wished it had turned out differently. I did fall pregnant naturally at 42 which was a surprise but had mmc at 10 weeks. That opened up an old hurt that I thought I’d dealt with. Would I be crazy for trying again at 44 (nearly 45) or just accept once and for all that it’s over? Any advice gladly received..

Your 11 year old is about to start secondary - its an absolute roller coaster and needs real parental engagement. My teens take uo so much more of my energy, time, money and worry than they ever did before. I could not cope with a baby and toddler needing me right now and do a good job for my high schoolers.

I started trying for another at 40. I’m 45 now. No pregnancy at all in 5.5 years. We are going down the donor egg route now.

Going against the grain, my friend had a healthy baby at 44 (her first and only) conceived naturally after she wanted to do IVF and had a previous miscarriage

Given your history if you want to try again you need to go straight to ivf as its highly unlikely to happen with out. Lots of people have babies at your age. Good luck

I personally wouldn’t op, not just because of your age, but mostly because of the age of your child. You are going to be dealing with a toddler while your DC1 hits teenage years and will likely need your support, without also being pestered by a toddler and potentially also have their sleep suffer.

Agree with this.
Plus you will cause yourself so much heartache. What will that do to your DC?
We can't always have what we want OP. I'd try to make peace with having an only.

I can't think of anything worse tbh. I found 34 hard going compared to being younger and the pregnancy has issues.

Not to mention he's so disabled he'll never leave home. That might be colouring it in a bit.

If you're set up for all the possible scenarios then go ahead.

There are two compelling reasons and one secondary reason why I personally wouldn’t TTC at nearly-45.

1. The possibility of having a late miscarriage, stillbirth or a baby with terrible disabilities is significant, and for me, that kind of trauma would represent an unacceptable level of risk to the happiness and wellbeing of existing family life. Kind of like saying Twist in a game of Pontoon when you’re already at 19.

2. Pregnancy risk to the mother is a lot higher at this age too. A few years ago, one of the lovely mums in my MN birth club suddenly dropped dead of a clot whilst pregnant with her third DC. 😔 We know it happens, but my goodness it doesn’t half bring it home when it happens to someone you know. Appreciate this has coloured my perspective and plenty of women in their 40s have uneventful, healthy pregnancies. But.

The secondary reason is that perimenopause symptoms kicked in for me at about 45, and I had no idea what would be dealing with. HRT has helped but it is absolutely grim. Even assuming everything went ok with the pregnancy and the baby was alright, just the thought of managing a teen AND a toddler, feeling the way I do now, is utterly wretched.

It sounds like you are not there with perimenopause symptoms yet, OP. They are no joke. It is a whole other phase of life you are about to embark upon, and casting an eye over the menopause threads will give you an idea of the kind of thing you can expect. Only you can know if that’s something you would manage easily.

Anyway, you obviously need to do what feels right for you and your family. And I’m aware the above is not a positive view, but you did ask for people’s perspectives.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide, OP. 💐 💖

Way too old, imo.

I think so personally 40 was my cut off, I started to have peri menopause symptoms at 45 and the tiredness and brain fog are terrible, I can’t imagine dealing with that and a baby.

Focus on what you have, I made peace with just having one dd.

This

tho also have your child’s views as well. Will their life really change having a newborn - can you still do what you do now - take to friends /clubs /run about with her

can you deal with sleepiness nights /nappies etc again

and the biggie for me - if something happened to you /dh who would beth guardian for your child now an would they want to bring up a baby

I'm 48 and could not imagine having a three yr old. Parenting teens is very full-on (DSs are 13 and 16 - so about to sit GCSEs).

In the past two years my parents' health has deteriorated rapidly too, and they both need a lot more care. This would be very difficult to balance with a toddler.

I’m in similar circumstances. We wanted two children. Had one with ivf (unexplained infertility) and hoped a second would happen without assistance as there was no medical reason found why we couldn’t conceive naturally. It didn’t. My one is now 11 and I couldn’t think of anything worse than starting over again. We tried for #2 until I was 41/42 and that was my limit. I had had enough of monitoring cycles and giving headspace to conception. At 44 you are very unlikely to have another child without assistance, particularly having already tried for years. Even with assistance, the odds are against you. I would try to make the most of the family you have.

The odds are against you so you will be potentially exposing yourself to a lot of heartache.

My best friend wanted children her entire adult life. She never met the right person until she was in her 40s. She got pregnant aged 44 with her twins, had them age 45, and doesn’t regret them a single iota. You do what works for you.

My midwife told me her own mum had had a healthy baby and natural pregnancy aged 46.

Everything every poster has said resonates and illustrates the exact confusion i feel and I appreciate everyone’s perspective, including the harsh reality checks. It probably won’t be possible, maybe I just have to go as far as I can so I know I gave it everything. The issue was on my partners side so I will get an AMH blood test in the first instance just to see if I have any egg viability at all. I was also put on HRT after the miscarriage so would have to stop that. I just need to feel like I did everything possible to make peace with it, that included talking to my oh about all my feelings and resentments about us not being proactive when we were younger. I feel so regretful that i gave up at 40.

We always hear things like this but then don’t hear as much about how the parents coped afterwards, such as parenting young children with menopause or other health issues that are at higher risk of happening once you hit 50. Or parenting teens going into your 60s. Or as another poster said, coping with young children while dealing with your own elderly parents.

I had my children at 39 and 42 with two miscarriages in between. I am very happy with my lot but I have a friend who started trying at the same age, had a miscarriage, went through ivf then eventually stopped trying. I went in with the mindset that it probably won’t happen - didn’t place too much weight on it. My last pregnancy was very scary after 2 miscarriages though - every day terrified I’d lose her. But they are both perfectly healthy and it worked out for us. I do think you have to prepare yourself for a high possibility of heartache though with zero guarantees of a positive outcome at the end of it. I’m not sure how open I would have been to that if my oldest was old enough to understand what was going on.

I think you would be mad to have a baby now, by all means try if thats what you want.
But it would be a no from me.
Your late 40s 50s 60s and so on are your years your time etc.

I couldn't do the nights the worries, tantrums not to mention the cost, had peri in the mix plus a teen.

Gosh your be parenting maybe in to your early 70s.

Its only on MN I hear of women having babies when knocking on 50.

Doing everything possible to make
peace with it doesn’t really mean more tests and TTC though, you can’t go back in time, and really it’s just so so unlikely to work and have a healthy baby at the end of it. Seeking counselling and moving on, enjoying your child makes much more sense. Don’t spend so much time regretting the past that you miss out on now, you will just regret that later too and still need to make peace with things.

I wouldn’t, you are much higher risk for another MC, issues in pregnancy and birth, and baby having disabilities or medical problems. Plus thst age gap will be tough on your child, they’re so used to being an only. Plus think about your age when a potential baby is reaching adult hood!

An AMH won’t tell you much as measure quantity not quality. I have a very high AMH for my age and can’t get pregnant

What does trying mean for you? Getting assistance via IVF or going hard on the supplements for him and tracking?

Personally I probably would go for it, but put a time limit on it. That way you can’t be kicking yourself and you have given it your best shot.

However I know several in their mid forties who have had babies. Some fairly easily, some requiring a lot of assistance. It seems very variable. The stat is 3-5% chance per cycle I believe, which cumulatively is about a one third to half chance of it happening within a year.