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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

If sex hurts, how on earth am I going to cope with birth?

25 replies

Jane7 · 16/06/2008 09:07

Last night, we had a disastrous attempt at having sex. We haven't tried for over a month coz I've been feeling fat and unsexy (I'm 24 weeks). Suffice to say, it was a bit of a disaster and I feel like a failure. Basically, it hurt. Not quite sure what, maybe not enough lubrication but it burned and hurt and I had to say stop half way through. I'm now worrying because if my poor little fanjo can't cope with a penis, how on earth is it going to cope with the baby coming out? I've heard that it's good to keep having sex to keep things open down there, do you think that's true? And did anyone else sort of stop having sex during their pregnancy, but still have an ok birth?

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 16/06/2008 09:10

What kind of burning was it? It couldn't be thrush could it? It's really common in pregnancy.
You can trust me that childbirth is completely different to sex.

themildmanneredjanitor · 16/06/2008 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belgo · 16/06/2008 09:12

Agree, it could be thrush, very common during pregnancy.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 16/06/2008 09:13

Things are weird down there in pregnancy, your hormones are different and the position of all your internal organs changes to accommodate the size of the baby. Even the position of your uterus changes, so things can feel a bit strange and react differently.

Try not to worry about how you'll cope with a baby, your vagina is designed to give birth, and when you're in labour, not only are you having plenty of contractions which make you dilate, you're also filled with special hormones which make the tissues soften and relax, to make it easier to get the baby out. One bungled bedroom session will ahve absolutely no bearing on your ability to give birth.

Yeah next time perhaps spend more time on foreplay, use some extra lube and try another position. But don't worry!

claraquitetirednow · 16/06/2008 09:14

If you are tense your muscles will contract (tighten) which will make sex very painful. The more you worry about it, the worse it will be.
If you weren't pregnant I would suggest having a couple of drinks before you next try, to relax you. As you are pregnant, I would suggest taking it slowly, use lubrication and stop if it is painful again.
I have had two c-sections so can't comment on a vaginal birth but I am sure as the others say, it is very different from sex!

DonDons · 16/06/2008 09:15

maybe you were just, um, tight, after not having had sex for a month. Also, maybe a bit more tense than usual due to stage of pregnancy? you may find you get all horny later on in your pregnancy anyway and will be at it like rabbits....

I totally agree - labour nothing like sex, although your DH may believe he has a 10cm penis!

Flightybitchreturns · 16/06/2008 09:22

The bit about 'keeping things open' is not true in the slightest, but it made me laugh!
Nothing is going to close up if you don't

Indeed sometimes in pregnancy women are advised to not have/be more cautious about having sex, this is if there is a risk of miscarriage or some other problem, so if you haven't been advised not to do it then you can carry on as normal - providing it doesn't make you uncomfortable in any way - emotionally or physically.
You don't have any reason to do it more, unless you want to!

I agree it does sound like you may have thrush. Some canesten should sort that out. Labour does hurt but it is completely different, you'll be fine

I used to find sex always made me sore before I had my first baby. Labour was pretty easy and afterwards I was a little less tight so it hurt less to make love.

See your midwife or GP for some canesten, hope it is sorted out soon x

Original poster
Jane7 · 16/06/2008 09:27

Thanks for all these comments. Mumsnetters are so reassuring. I agree, it might be thrush, something I have been plagued with in the past. But finding that sex makes me sore, to be honest, is not a new problem. I've always had it, especially if I'm not 100 per cent in the mood and I'm basically doing it for DP which was def the case yesterday.
Interested to read, Flightybitchreturns, that you used to find the same before you had your first baby. Maybe having this baby will actually help my sex life!

OP posts:
Flightybitchreturns · 16/06/2008 09:37

Yes and it was also a situation where I was doing it for my partner - I mean, I wanted to and all that but didn't easily get aroused, so I reckon there wasn't enough lubrication going on (which you get when you are 'in the mood')
It always stung like hell afterwards. I would say don't do it if you aren't really feeling up for it, as it will naturally hurt you down there - if your partner is aware of this he might be more considerate and not expect you to do it just for him. You need to take care of yourself and listen to your body - lots of women dislike sex in pregnancy full stop so he is lucky to be getting any!

Don't give in to pressure. It will just put you off in the long term if you are in pain each time.

It stopped hurting when I learned to relax with a different partner (first one left us) and I was able to start enjoying it for the first time.

Original poster
Jane7 · 16/06/2008 09:45

Thanks, flightybitch. Sometimes it worries me that i'm with the wrong man, since he makes sex sting, but in every other way, he's definitely the right man! And when I think about, I had the same problem with most of my previous boyfriends. Funnily enough, the best sex we ever had - and I never had a soreness problem - was when we were trying to conceive. I was really up for it and loved it! But now the deed is done, it's as though I've tightened up and don't want to let anyone in!
Happy to hear that you're with a different partner. Leavers are losers anyway.

OP posts:
Flightybitchreturns · 16/06/2008 09:48

indeed!!
Well actually I'm on my own again now but it was nice while it lasted!
Yes, I used to worry about being with the wrong man as well, but if yours is good in every other way, I would think it is maybe just an issue about relaxing.

You might get some help from your GP about it, he could refer you maybe - or you might be able to overcome it in your own mind. I did this - not sure how - it took me till I was about 32 to be able to 'enjoy' sex though.

Good luck xx

CoteDAzur · 16/06/2008 09:57

Epidural.

CatharsisItIs · 16/06/2008 10:06

For sex?

Original poster
Jane7 · 16/06/2008 10:08

Ha ha. love the idea of epidural every time my dp is feeling frisky...

OP posts:
bethoo · 16/06/2008 10:11

painful sex is not normal during pregnancy, i think you either did not lube up well, perhaps if you are feeling unsexy etc you found it hard to become how do we say? wet! or you could have a UTI worth mentioning it either with gp or mw if you ahve an app. have you had your 24 weeks mw app?

CatharsisItIs · 16/06/2008 10:15

I think either canestan (or natural yoghurt works just as well, IME!) or lube. Or both. Not at the same time though!

Pruners · 16/06/2008 10:25

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Jane7 · 16/06/2008 10:40

Probably not enough foreplay, to be honest, Pruners. When I know I'm not really feeling it, I sort of rush things on to the main event, because I know that's what dp would like. But then if this leads to mission aborted later on, it's clearly not very good for him. Sorry if tmi but last night he ended up finishing things off himself while I lay there feeling like a failure. Oh dear, we should probably try again later in the week when I'm feeling more up for it, but we couldn't really find a good position either. It wouldn't go in from behind (as in doggy) and missionary position didn't work. Perhaps I'll try spoons next time. But i think i've got a really small fanny, which makes me even more nervous about giving birth!
sorry, if tmi for anyone

OP posts:
Pruners · 16/06/2008 10:43

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Jane7 · 16/06/2008 11:25

thanks pruners. will try to get him to be more slidey, not so jabby. in fact, i think he's trying to be really careful in case he disturbs the baby by going in at a funny angle, but it's just making it worse...

can't believe i'm discussing these things on the internet!

OP posts:
bethoo · 16/06/2008 11:27

if youi spoon he can also stimulate you at the same time from the front so you will be more lubed up in a way. orgasms are good for baby.

claraquitetirednow · 16/06/2008 11:43

jane7 - have you heard of Vaginismus? It is very common. Look it up on-line. You can get help, it is to do with learning to relax. It does sound like this is what you might suffer from. My guess is that because you are pregnant you are feeling a little more stressed about sex and therefore your muscles are contracting more than usual.

I might be wrong but at least have a look and a think. Please, I hate the fact that you feel you are a "failure" - you really aren't, you sound like a very considerate lover.

claraquitetirednow · 16/06/2008 11:46

Jane7 - here - like I said, I am not an expert so I am only making a stab in the dark but at least have a look.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 16/06/2008 13:28

if it helps at all...I'm always much more sore if we hadn't had sex for a while then do it again...have learnt that if we've gone a few days without then the next time we def have to do lots of foreplay to make sure I'm worked up enough

Original poster
Jane7 · 16/06/2008 14:32

a few days, girlwiththemouseyhair, gosh, i sometimes go weeks!

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