AIBU- partner isn’t happy about baby #2

[HeatherSnixx]

For context, I’m in a lesbian relationship. We have a 3yo and just got successful with baby #2. Found out yesterday but partner has been really off since, not being excited and said “I’m happy for you”. When I challenged this and asked what’s wrong she said she’s fine, however speaking today she said she won’t be telling her best friend yet as her bff “doesn’t think she’s ready”. Am I being unreasonable being upset by her lack of excitement? I went through a lot to get this baby, and she was seemingly along for the ride, occasionally saying she was worried about jumping from 1 to 2 but we had many a deep conversation where I reassured her and she seemed fine after that. I just don’t understand :(

Firstly, congratulations!

do you think she's in shock?
I am 20w pregnant now, and whilst my DH and I were actively trying, I got pregnant with this baby #2 alot quicker than I think he expected. For a few days after I got a positive, he was a bit of a twat tbh. Didn't seem excited... seemed annoyed at some points and started bringing up the things that will be difficult or need changing in the future to accommodate (even though these were all discussed in great detail and we had plans in place before starting to try).

Hes completely different and tells everyone I'm expecting.... strangers have congratulated me. 😂

I did have to tell him to knock it off though after a few days because it was really upsetting.

I presume your 1st child is your current partners also?

Wow that does seem like an odd response considering the effort you had to make to fall pregnant. That said, a lot of people plan for a pregnancy and still feel weird and overwhelmed when it happens and need a bit of time to adjust.

I would not enter into a discussion about the bff's opinions, they are irrelevant. But give your partner time to digest the news and see if things improve once she's got her head round it, especially if she was apprehensive about the jump from 1 to 2 anyway.

Wasn't she involved in the actual process of you getting pregnant, and all the attendant decision-making? What exactly does 'along for the ride' mean?

I do think she may be in shock, as we originally planned last July, and then she’s been pushing it back and back for months until she decided February was the time to go for it, but then changed her mind and said this month and it worked so fast! Our first baby is hers also yes. I just feel a bit deflated as it kind of crapped on my excitement lol x

I meant as in she was involved in the entire process yes, and attended all the appointments etc

Congratulations!

different people respond in different ways. It’s big news. Number 2 even more in some ways than number 1.

Both my kids I was horrified (even though they were planned and wanted pregnancies!). I bawled my eyes out, I said I wanted to terminate. My poor husband just being silently thrilled and happy both times and waited as I adjusted.

Spoiler alert I adore my kids! It’s just the finality of it and the shock.

You do need a massive discussion though. Many times the non-birthing parent can feel left out etc

Thank you so much! I’m hoping it just the shock and that it’ll wear off once baby is here and she feels the same feeling she felt with our first. Our son prefers her as a parent, and she’s the go to when he needs something or wants a cuddle or comfort! Which I absolutely love 🩷

I'm sorry, that sounds rough.

I think it's not that unusual for same-sex parents to have to deal with a lot of emotions around all of this (I'm a lesbian mum; read all the books; blah blah).

Is the first baby yours biologically, or hers? And how did you come to decide about who would carry?

Hope she feels more positive soon, and congratulations to you!

Thank you so much! I carried our first, she does NOT want to be pregnant, especially seeing me do it with our first 🤣🤣 she also has a long list of hereditary illness she could pass on, so for her was a very straightforward ‘you shall bare the burden’ of being pregnant, which I don’t mind 🤣 hoping that I can have a conversation with her and she will open up to what is truly bothering her x

she was seemingly along for the ride, occasionally saying she was worried about jumping from 1 to 2 but we had many a deep conversation where I reassured her and she seemed fine after that

It doesn't sound like she really wanted this at all and has been too passive or allowed herself to be steamrollered. This is probably amplified if you have a biological link to the foetus and she doesn't - is that the case?

Indeed, she has no bio link. I did have the thought that maybe she really didn’t want this, but she reassured me countless times that she does, and was just worried about some stuff x

Oh, that sounds hard. I wonder if perhaps she's rethinking how 'straightforward' it feels now? Just a thought. FWIW my then-partner was very gung ho about saying 'well, it's obvious you won't get pregnant because you miscarried previously and got upset, so I will,' and actually ... it hurt. I know that's not at all the same, but I do wonder if maybe she is covering up a bit of conflicted emotion there about her health situation. I can imagine even if you don't want to go through pregnancy, you might feel some complicated emotions around it?

I am really only guessing. Just thinking about things that might be worth discussing.

Thank you for this, I will deffo try and have that open convo with her, try and get to bottom of it, as we can’t bring this baby into the world in this dynamic :(

It sounds like she struggles to assert her opinions/feelings for whatever reason. Maybe just wanting to please you. I know couples therapy is suggested for every darn thing on this forum but I really do think it might help you both communicate better. Do you think it's an option?

This could 100% be an option, we are usually very good with communication, and I’m sure she’d be open to it if I suggested couples therapy. Thank you xxx

It can be extremely complicated, I think.

I have no bio link to my DD and I adore her. (And I did, and do, also want to be pregnant, so I may be quite unlike your DP.)

There's a whole host of stuff that comes with parenting a child to whom you have no biological link, that can be quite painful. People tend to assume you love the child less. People tend to assume you are not 'really' the mum (there is a good IG account called 'who's the real mum?'). You can feel very precarious, even if you do have legal status, because an awful lot of people will assume you have no parental rights, or that 'naturally' the child 'really' belongs to the other parent.

You also have all the stuff about gender roles refracted in a really weird way. There will be a lot of people eager to tell you what a saint your partner is for carrying the baby, and how hard pregnancy is, and how useless partners are to pregnant women. You will probably get lumped in with the men, who will shuffle awkwardly about it. There will probably be an assumption you are doing very little with the child or children, because you are the 'man-role' parent.

I wouldn't change my DD for the world; I do not in the least care that I have no biological link to her; if I could have another baby like her I would be over the moon. And yet, people tend to reduce any upset or worries that the non-bio mum has to some version of 'you probably don't feel the same because she's not really yours, eh?'

(And btw my DD is nearly nine and it took me ages to work out some of this stuff and to understand how and why it made me feel bad, so I wouldn't be terribly surprised if your DP genuinely isn't sure how to talk about how she feels.)

My (male) partner's reaction was very flat too when I told him our IVF has worked and I was pregnant. I remember I was so excited, tears of joy etc and he just said something really non committal and carried on with his day. I was disappointed. But I think it was just the shock and it becoming real. He came round gradually over the course of the pregnancy and was an amazing dad in the end.

I think if you're carrying the pregnancy it perhaps feels more miraculous immediately - a new life growing inside you! - but for a partner it's abstract at the beginning.

I'm not sure it's that straightforward. (Straight, but with two different sets of lesbian close friends negotiating parenthood/to decision not to.) One friend lost a pregnancy, and was told she would be unlikely to be able to carry another to term, so in theory it was a 'straightforward' decision for her wife to carry their baby, only of course it wasn't. It was really difficult for them both. Her wife wanted to have another child, and she initially said yes, and went along with things for a bit, but decided she didn't want to before they conceived.

I know your situation isn't the same, but I think that even not wanting to be pregnant and having potential genetic illnesses, doesn't make it entirely straightforward.

I think the difference here is that when you were pregnant before, you were carrying her bio baby. Whereas now you are pregnant again, you are carrying your bio baby. So she has no physical/genetic connection. Maybe that is behind her not being so excited this time?

I'm not saying she's right to feel like that. But we cannot argue with our feelings, we need to work through them.

But also - congratulations OP! 💐

I think you might have misread? The OP says her partner's genetic history meant she chose not to be the bio parent. I suspect you read the OP confirming that the first baby is 'hers also' and assumed she meant 'biologically hers'. People tend to do that.

Thanks. I think I misread that, but have read again and am still confused 😆

OP, can you confirm the bio status of your first child? If you want to, that is.

It's not that confusing.

Two women are allowed to be legal parents to the same baby. It's been that way for a wee while now.

Our first is my bio baby, and our second is also my bio baby :) when we discussed she was very happy to not have a genetic link to the children, and our first child is constantly mistaken for her bio baby, as he looks a lot like her. And he prefers her as a parent 🤣

Thank you all SO much for your advice and congratulations and support. I will talk to her this evening and try to get her to open up, and support her in any way she needs. And also suggest couples therapy. And in the mean time, I will own my excitement and try not to let her negativity taint that :)