AIBU- partner isn’t happy about baby #2

[HeatherSnixx]

For context, I’m in a lesbian relationship. We have a 3yo and just got successful with baby #2. Found out yesterday but partner has been really off since, not being excited and said “I’m happy for you”. When I challenged this and asked what’s wrong she said she’s fine, however speaking today she said she won’t be telling her best friend yet as her bff “doesn’t think she’s ready”. Am I being unreasonable being upset by her lack of excitement? I went through a lot to get this baby, and she was seemingly along for the ride, occasionally saying she was worried about jumping from 1 to 2 but we had many a deep conversation where I reassured her and she seemed fine after that. I just don’t understand :(

🙄

The issue of "biological parent" is important and relevant here imo, not just legally.

Thanks for clarifying OP. It may just take some time for it to sink in, as others have said?

Yes, but the question had been answered.

I'm sorry if you find it upsetting to be criticised, but it is very germane to the thread.

Good luck!
Always around if a listening/vaguely informed ear is useful.

Not sure if i have misread the OP, but whats the best friend got to do with it all, why is your partner valuing the BFF's opinion?

Your posts aren't germane to the question that poster asked. You're projecting your sensitivities onto her.

I didn't object to you pointing out that I was confused, as I said. What I objected to was your sarcastic "wee while", and the implication that I didn't think a legal parent was an actual parent or that I didn't agree with it.

Maybe so. I do apologise if that's the case, OP.

My sarcasm was because you were confused when the OP had stated 1) the baby was her partner's baby too (ie., legally both of theirs) and had also explained her partner wasn't the bio parent.

I assume you just didn't cotton on to what she was saying, which isn't the biggest deal in the world, but most people would manage 'oops, sorry, didn't see that/thread was moving fast/ never mind' rather than getting on their high horse.

I’m not entirely sure to be honest, she’s kinda the only person other than me she can speak to about these things x

But is it the best friend saying to your partner "you arent ready for another child yet".?

Yes she is saying that, and I think my partner is believing it x

Is there some other dynamic going on here, with her BFF? That's quite an outrageous thing to say to someone who's just discovered that their partner is expecting. Especially as the BFF must know that your partner has been to all the appts with you, agreed to fo ahead with it this month, etc etc.

I’ve never really thought about it, they are close and my immediate thought was she’s just trying to be there for her, but at a cost to mine and my partners dynamic. She’s a very outspoken bff and has been messaging me for months about having another baby because she gave birth a week ago, and wants us to have another. But tells my partner something different x

Don’t jump the gun. It’s only been one day - does she just need a bit more time to process it?

Wait. So your partner hasn't told her BFF yet. But her BFF has been telling your partner that she (your partner) isn't ready for a second, all the while knowing you were both going to appointments, and while she was pregnant herself 🤔

Is this the BFF's first child?

All correct. And this is her third x

Right. And she's been texting you excitedly about the process of getting pregnant, whilst supposedly telling your DP that she (your DP) isn't ready for a second child?!

Yes x

Isn't it just as possible that her friend is picking up on something you aren't?, and/or that your partner is using her friend as a mouthpiece to voice concerns she for some reason wasn't able to say more directly?

I mean, your partner is the one saying she won't be telling her friend because her friend doesn't think she's ready. To me, that's her saying, annoyingly indirectly, 'I'm not ready'.

Which is tough shit, obviously, in the sense that the time to say this was before you conceived...

Yeah it seems pretty likely at this point. I’m hoping to speak to her tonight about it, and just hope she’s honest with me and try to figure out a way forward x

This BFF needs to keep her beak out...

Congratulations OP!

I think as others have already said in the thread, there could be multiple reasons for your partner’s reaction, and all sorts of things could be playing a part, including the bio issue or her BFF.

However, it really could also just be shock. I fell pregnant with my second baby very quickly. We had one already, said we were going to ‘actively try’ when she turned 2, but after she turned 18 months we stopped using protection as we were happy to have another at that point. So while not ‘actively trying’ we weren’t ’actively avoiding’ either. Our daughter was just under 19 months when we conceived our son 😂 it happened so fast we were both in a lot of shock. This was very much a wanted baby, but for the first week or so after I found out, I was panicking, feeling so much guilt about not having as much time with just my eldest as I thought I would, I cried a lot and then felt guilt that I didn’t feel the same joy that I did when I found out I was pregnant with my first. It all passed after around a week or two, and I’m currently sat writing this with my almost 5 month old asleep in my arms, and my toddler asleep upstairs 😊

This is basically my long winded way of saying that your partners reaction could be rooted in something, or it might simply be shock, and if that’s the case, I’m sure she’ll come around after she’s had time to digest the news. The best thing you can do is talk to her about it, and give her the opportunity to share with you openly. With me, my husband was also in shock, but he handled it better than I did, and he let me cry and get my emotions out without judgement, which really helped me process the shock and realise I was actually genuinely thrilled, I just couldn’t see it through the shock.

Update for all of you who gave me so much advice and support, she went out earlier to visit the friends baby, came back and said she was excited for this baby, just scared about how she will cope. She also revealed she’s starting some mood stabilisers her doctor prescribed last week, as her MH is not great so that explains a lot. All is well, thank you all so much 🩷🩷

Me and dh were trying actively for 7 months. When I finally
got pregnant I cried for a whole
week because I thought I’d ruined my life. Even though we’d been desperate to get pregnant for months.

It took me a few months to even get used to the idea, and I was the pregnant one! I think sometimes change is scary, especially when it is as life
changing as having kids. Honestly, I can firmly say that having a second was one of the best things I’ve ever done.

I'm really glad she's feeling excited - that must help you so much!

Hope the meds help her too.