How does your relationship change with a baby?

[Babybear260]

I’m assuming a shift in relationship with husband is inevitable. Or so people say. My husband and I are so unbelievably close. We really are each other’s worlds and we depend on each other greatly (in a healthy and sweet way) - ie we work great as a team.

In terms of sexual intimacy - it’s been next to none since I conceived in June. Even though I want to, I really don’t feel attractive. I feel large and swollen. He thinks I’m very attractive pregnant which is very sweet and he totally respects and understands why I’m feeling this way. I’m also worried about getting a UTI (I was prone to them pre pregnancy so don’t even want to risk it)

Sex to us is not an important part of our overall relationship. We snuggle, nestle up together, hug, kiss, we’re there for each other everyday emotionally BUT I am curious as to how sex might look to us now a baby is en route.

Will I ever feel ‘sexy’ again? I’m 27 and before pregnancy I guess I was attractive. I obviously did not go round saying that or even think it back then but when I look back at pre pregnancy photos, I really do think ‘omg I was hot 6 months ago’… so I guess that’s why I felt sexier back then.

Is sex is completely off the cards when the baby arrives? Do couples sex lives usually go back to even slightly how they were before, after the newborn stage? Or is it doomed until they move out and go to uni?? It feels wrong to be intimate when a child is in a house, will it not? It feels strange when there is a baby inside me.

Besides the sex life, what should we be prepared for in terms of general relationship shift?! We have quite a traditional relationship now and apologies if anyone finds this sexist but I do all the ‘girly’ stuff ie cook, wash the clothes, towels, sheets, clean (he also cleans but I just prefer to do it because it stresses me out, he’ll do it 2 hours after dinner and I like to do ASAP) and he does the ‘manly’ stuff ie fixes things in the house, starts the fire, mow the grass, drives us everywhere, fixes my car, takes it to the garage blah blah and he deals with our finances, savings - thank god otherwise I would overspend so I’m grateful for that.

A rather standard relationship where we both pull our weight with certain aspects. I’ll be on maternity for AT least a year (hoping not go back to work until our baby goes to primary school but keeping options open) so naturally, I do expect to be doing more with the baby. Because he will be work providing. That won’t be a shock to me. He gets 2 weeks paternity leave which is standard but I can’t imagine a world where I’m like ‘ seriously - do more’ or resenting him for not doing more with the baby. I know he will make a great dad, he will come home beaming to me and the baby. But I’m sure we’ll be a lot more tired, things might feel more mundane than before but we’ll also have a beautiful baby we created.

but I hear so many stories where people end up resenting each other because they feel one partner doesn’t pull their weight etc etc. of course I’m well aware that even tho our relationship is daisies now, things can and maybe are likely to change?

So I guess I’m asking if and how your relationship changed with your husband after a baby? So I can prepare and not be very naive

you have made a lot of assumptions in your post
be prepared for everything to change
your DH may not want to be a sole breadwinner and you’ll have to go back to work for example
your baby may not sleep / have reflux and you’ll be surviving on 2 hours of broken sleep for years
even great relationships can suffer with lack of sleep, changing roles etc

I truly believe you can’t imagine or envisage it until it happens which is why the human race is still carrying on 🤣

He currently does, and I currently went to stay at home. As you say, ofc things and perspectives can change!

You hope things don't change... but holy crap do they change!
My husband was great during pregnancy and baby hood at picking up the slack and doing all the cooking, doing majority baby baths, alot more cleaning than usual but we had a baby who did not (and still does not) sleep and was exclusively breastfed. It was absolutely horrific. 2 years in I have not gotten more than 2-3 hours broken sleep a night and our sex life has taken the toll because I also work full time and honestly find it a struggle to even shower most days nevermind be intimate.

Having said that, lots of other people I know have dream babies who slept all night.

It all depends on the baby.

Also please don't expect your husband to come home beaming everyday... that's a strange concept. He's allowed an off day.

Things are likely to change.

My DH adores me and is a wonderful human being who is highly thought of by everyone around him. He’s far from a deadbeat dad and is a completely equal parent.

But literally, our relationship before and after children is like night and day. Pregnancy is a lovely time - being excited together, going to scans, browsing prams. Afterwards is the hard bit. You will not sleep for years. There’s little point me saying this as until you go through it you can’t comprehend what it’s actually like. Even if you get a ‘great sleeper’ they get ill very very frequently, they have regressions, they cut teeth. I truly think in the last 7 years I have averaged 6 broken hours a night. For a very long time you don’t have evenings together, there is no dedicated or protected time for you as a couple.

Your house will be like a medieval plague pit, cleaning up vomit, poo, wee, and snot will be a daily occurrence. You’ll be ill yourselves a lot while cleaning up said bodily fluids, plus your own. And this is on top of the no sleep thing.

Your backdrop sound will be babies/children screaming and this will make things like traffic jams, headaches and PMT ten times more stressful. You’ll be constantly on edge waiting for the screaming and trying anything under the sun to get it to stop.

Housework will quadruple, and it will never end. From now on you don’t have the option of lie ins, lazing in bed, skipping lunch because you’re not hungry, popping to a takeaway. From when they’re 6 months every single meal must happen and it must be appropriate for them. You can’t sit and have 4 glasses of wine of a Friday night because caring for a baby drunk just isn’t on. Most of the food will end up on the floor and smeared on the walls even if you use a shower curtain and bib.

Right now I’m sat on a dark landing trying to get my DS (2) to sleep. He’s throwing plastic toys at his wall making the most horrific noise, while he can speak at 2 his understanding of ‘go back to bed’ is about the same as if I said it to a spaniel. I’ve been awake since 4.30am, as he has a cold and was coughing. I feel like an absolute wreck and I can hear DH downstairs cleaning up but I have zero energy to chat to him or ‘have a nice evening’. Tonight will be spent, like all the others, with us agreeing what’s happening with childcare tomorrow and then saying goodnight before he puts the bins out and I go to bed. We’re passing ships in the night. We have no babysitter or extended family nearby, so the last time we had a ‘date night’ was 2021. There is no romance.

Good luck!

Thank you - no I don’t ‘expect’ him too. I’m just saying we’ve both spoken about how it’ll be very cute when he comes home from work, to me AND a baby :)

Thank you very much - you’ve painted a very realistic picture. I think you’re right, no one can be prepared for that but I can at least try…. I always take the no sleep thing lightly but everyone really does say it goes on for years, so I should start appreciating the lie ins now!

That’s nice. But it’s far from the reality I’m afraid. We all go into having a baby with lofty ideals that we will be the couple for whom it’ll be all romantic, the baby will be a living embodiment of our love and make us stronger as a couple etc - there’s a reason very very few people identify with this a few years down the line.

Yes, that’s why I asked :)

Maybe your relationship is just better than everyone else’s, @Babybear260 ?

You will want to smother him in his sleep when he snores through the baby crying again.

Spending all day with a baby is not particularly fun. You won't be all smiles with a cooing baby when he comes home - you'll be fed up, knackered, and covered in various bodily fluids. I used to give DP the baby and go out for a walk.

There are nice bits, but to be honest they are few and far between, and you're too tired to appreciate them except in hindsight when you're looking through photos months later. It's good that you get on well now, you might be less likely to grow to hate each other. Good luck.

I think even the "strong" version of the relationship is like, "I felt waves of love for him because he voluntarily got up when the baby woke up vomiting at 5:13am and I got an extra 49 minutes of sleep" :)

Or a small touch of the hand at the right moment substitutes for what previously would have been 3h of lazing in bed cuddling and bonding.

If I’m being totally honest I probably thought that too 😳

It’s not that DH has been a disappointment, it’s that parenting makes it impossible for even the best couple to cling on to what they had before.

The idea of having a baby is so romantic, awww a little human that is both of us, a proper family etc. Honestly while we adore our kids and would never change the life we have, even the idea of romance is laughable (and this is a man who whisked me away for surprise weekends, brought me breakfast in bed every Saturday and Sunday, had an engagement ring handmade etc). Your permanent feeling toward romance is like being on a birthday night out you don’t want to be on - you can’t stop yawning, your heart isn’t in it, you’re just thinking about going to bed but know you ‘have to make an effort’.

I don’t know a single couple who has fared much differently. They still love each other of course, but that love has taken a different shape - they’re joint carers.

You need to prepare for your DH taking on much more of the domestic stuff at least for the first couple of months - shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. The best thing DH did was make me my lunch every day before he went to work.

I wouldn’t cast anything too much in stone. Be ready to be flexible - you might want to go back to work earlier, for example. Or you might hate breastfeeding.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you can, get your baby used to being looked after by someone else - a grandma, a friend, a trusted babysitter.

You will both be tired and grumpy some of the time, maybe much of the time. Be kind to yourself and each other.

DH and I have had 3 children together. DD1 was born before we’d been together a year so I’m actually wondering what it’ll be like for us when we don’t have children to parent.

Sex is less frequent than pre-children. We just don’t have the time or energy and there are frequently children also in our bed with us. Our youngest is 19mo and still doesn’t consistently sleep through the night.

Both DH and I work full time (me condensed hours so I have Mondays off) so we both have to pull our weight with the children and the house. Can’t afford for either of us to go part time or stay at home.

To answer your question, of course things change. Our children and our family unit are the centre of our world now, not just each other. If you get the balance right, it can strengthen the relationship rather than damage it.

Wow all the lovely comments you have received so far 😳🤣

While the other comments are all right in that everything is going to change drastically! Not everyone will have the same experience. For example, my daughter slept through the night 8pm-6am (Apart from regressions/illnesses) since she was 4 months old. Im told I've been VERY lucky lol

My relationship with my husband definitely went down hill after she was born and it took around 18 months for us to get into a " new normal". We argued ALOT in that time and I honestly felt like we wouldn't make it out the other side! My daughters 2 now and although shes in the terrible 2s things are so much easier. Now shes at nursery we have started having a date day once a month, which has been so good for our relationship. Our sex life still isn't like it was but better than it was during that first year 😬 you just have to make time for each other.

I promise you its not all doom and gloom. Its hard VERY hard! But if you and your partner love each other, you will get through the tough times. It just might not seem like it when your in the moment lol

Babies are the antithesis of romance They are gorgeous and miraculous and snuggly but looking after a baby is the hardest thing in the world. No amount of equal ownership of the grunt work makes it feel equal.

I have two gorgeous boys who slept extremely sporadically and still jump into my bed on a fairly regular basis (oldest is 13!!!). DH sleeps in his own bed, he left the nights up to me (I was breastfeeding).

It’s not all doom and gloom but also 1 child is much easier than 2 - my 2nd was born when the first was 3 so I’ve had 2 lots of everything you mention back to back.

I don't think you ever really know someone until you have a baby with them because becoming a parent can bring a lot of unresolved crap from childhood to the surface (at least it did for us).

Having a baby pretty much destroyed our relationship but we had a tricky newborn and I was very mentally unwell for the first few months, so maybe it's not as bad for all couples.

For us, it exposed all the cracks in our relationship that we didn't even know were there, culminating in him having an affair three years after our baby was born. We're still together and relatively happy, but we're both changed by the experience in ways we could never have predicted. You really just cannot predict how either of you is going to be when a baby comes along.

This lady is talking about what its like after one though. Not multiples 😌

I’m not saying that at all - I was just explaining our dynamic. I’m genuinely curious to hear people’s experiences because none of my friends have children yet / all the parents I know are parents of now adults and they seem totally happy and relaxed (because they’re no longer parents to babies or newborns I suppose!)

We’ve always had a great relationship and that was my decision to have children. I’ve never wanted them before as I wasn’t in the right relationship. He was probably more keen than me at the beginning to have children. It was hard at the beginning as we were both so tired and didn’t know what we were doing. We did shared parental leave and I highly recommend it. You both get experience of what it’s like to have sole charge of a baby and having to go out to work and meet the pressures that are associated with it on little sleep whilst the other stays at home. It’s been great for us and we are truly a partnership.

As for the sexual side, I can’t really relate to you as sex is a big part of our relationship and has been both before and after children. If it’s not something you are both not that bothered about then it doesn’t really matter?

Thank you very much - yes I definitely expect our relationship to change. Of course it will - and as others have said, I guess I really won’t know in what way / how much it will change until baby is here.

we’re very excited, the lack of sleep is a tad terrifying but probably inevitable unless I become lucky like you!

I think a common thing that happens is when you're both sleep deprived you get into "tit-for-tat" I.e I changed the last nappy, it's your turn or I put these groceries away therefore you load the dishwasher. This is quite an unhelpful even toxic dynamic so resist the urge if you can, try to be kind and do small domestic favours for each other, it goes a long long way.
Another common thing is that it can be frustrating to see DH do things "wrong" or not to your standard e.g. dressing them differently than you would but if you keep correcting how they do everything you undermine their confidence and you end up as the default parent whose "the only one knows how to do things".

Those are two traps I'd try to avoid with the benefit of experience (expecting #3).

I still adore my husband and we still have a lot of love and laughter in our relationship. Kids don't have to ruin your relationship but they do change it, in many ways strengthen it. The physical side comes back too but give yourselves plenty of time. I probably underestimated how much bfeeding would prolong me not feeling "sexy" post partum, but I'm still glad I did it for my children.

Edit to add. My DH is kind, hands on, involved, supportive and I still found myself resenting him often in the newborn trenches. Its just naturally harder for the mums overall. So even if you start from a great base a bit of resentment is inevitable imo, for me it's how you deal with it and repair rather than settling into toxic bitter dynamics that matters.

God this thread is miserable isn’t it? OP- yes it’s bloody hard, yes it changes things but not for everyone in such a negative way as depicted above!! It doesn’t matter what people say, you know as much as you can know at this stage. There will be nights you want to smother your DH as someone has already pointed out, but from my experience, the good has BY FAR outweighed the negative. Wish you all the best!

Well I need to buck the trend here a bit and say that having a child was the making of us as a couple, we were stronger in the year after our first son was born than we had been before him. I stayed at home and husband went out to work and it just… worked! I tore badly with my first and needed coaxing to be comfortable with sex again which was actually hugely romantic and sweet. Those first years I look on really fondly now, husband taking care of me while I took care of a baby and really finding our feet as parents