How does your relationship change with a baby?

[Babybear260]

I’m assuming a shift in relationship with husband is inevitable. Or so people say. My husband and I are so unbelievably close. We really are each other’s worlds and we depend on each other greatly (in a healthy and sweet way) - ie we work great as a team.

In terms of sexual intimacy - it’s been next to none since I conceived in June. Even though I want to, I really don’t feel attractive. I feel large and swollen. He thinks I’m very attractive pregnant which is very sweet and he totally respects and understands why I’m feeling this way. I’m also worried about getting a UTI (I was prone to them pre pregnancy so don’t even want to risk it)

Sex to us is not an important part of our overall relationship. We snuggle, nestle up together, hug, kiss, we’re there for each other everyday emotionally BUT I am curious as to how sex might look to us now a baby is en route.

Will I ever feel ‘sexy’ again? I’m 27 and before pregnancy I guess I was attractive. I obviously did not go round saying that or even think it back then but when I look back at pre pregnancy photos, I really do think ‘omg I was hot 6 months ago’… so I guess that’s why I felt sexier back then.

Is sex is completely off the cards when the baby arrives? Do couples sex lives usually go back to even slightly how they were before, after the newborn stage? Or is it doomed until they move out and go to uni?? It feels wrong to be intimate when a child is in a house, will it not? It feels strange when there is a baby inside me.

Besides the sex life, what should we be prepared for in terms of general relationship shift?! We have quite a traditional relationship now and apologies if anyone finds this sexist but I do all the ‘girly’ stuff ie cook, wash the clothes, towels, sheets, clean (he also cleans but I just prefer to do it because it stresses me out, he’ll do it 2 hours after dinner and I like to do ASAP) and he does the ‘manly’ stuff ie fixes things in the house, starts the fire, mow the grass, drives us everywhere, fixes my car, takes it to the garage blah blah and he deals with our finances, savings - thank god otherwise I would overspend so I’m grateful for that.

A rather standard relationship where we both pull our weight with certain aspects. I’ll be on maternity for AT least a year (hoping not go back to work until our baby goes to primary school but keeping options open) so naturally, I do expect to be doing more with the baby. Because he will be work providing. That won’t be a shock to me. He gets 2 weeks paternity leave which is standard but I can’t imagine a world where I’m like ‘ seriously - do more’ or resenting him for not doing more with the baby. I know he will make a great dad, he will come home beaming to me and the baby. But I’m sure we’ll be a lot more tired, things might feel more mundane than before but we’ll also have a beautiful baby we created.

but I hear so many stories where people end up resenting each other because they feel one partner doesn’t pull their weight etc etc. of course I’m well aware that even tho our relationship is daisies now, things can and maybe are likely to change?

So I guess I’m asking if and how your relationship changed with your husband after a baby? So I can prepare and not be very naive

Gosh you’ve had some bleak answers here OP! We are 17 months in and while our relationship is different of course (sex is about as frequent as an eclipse, thanks to various factors including a substantial episiotomy and a situation that means DS is still in our bedroom) in other ways I do think we’re even stronger than before. Neither of us have any desire not to be here in this life and this relationship and this family so we work hard at maintaining equilibrium. We’ve had a couple of notable arguments and a few more niggly moans than before but we give each other space to calm down and then talk about it. We check in with each other a lot too, offering each other a break if it’s needed and importantly, taking the offer up if it is (by which I mean anything from half an hour with a coffee and a magazine in another room to a night away).

We’ve been lucky with a reasonably ok sleeper but we also tag team so most weeks we each get one ‘lie-in’ albeit only until 8am or so. Since we introduced formula at about 8 months we’ve also utilised the sofa bed if someone has had a particularly bad nights sleep (related to the baby or work or being ill or just having a bad nights sleep) so they can catch up.

I haven’t cooked a meal since DS was born. DH hasn’t put a wash on since. They have become our individual jobs, and everything else is split, done by whoever gets to it first, or is less tired, or has more time. I work slightly less than full time but in a pattern that means outside of nursery I have DS on my own for a day and a half, we have a day and a half as a family (allowing either of us to take a breather if we need) and DH has him for a day on his own. It’s a good mix for us.

Of course we miss stuff. We were in town Saturday afternoon and the Christmas lights were on and people were having afternoon drinks in cosy pubs and we took a moment to mourn that, but it was offset by DS’s joy at seeing the lights. We miss lazy mornings in bed together, so a couple of times this year we’ve each taken a days annual leave on a nursery day and done just that, followed by a nice lunch out. We don’t have much help locally, DS’s sister has babysat once and a friend of mine had babysat once. They’d do more probably, but actually we haven’t felt the need.

Critically, and from reading MN and speaking to people in real life this seems to be shockingly rare, DH has pulled at least his equal weight from DAY ONE and still does, regardless of when he was on paternity, I was on maternity, he’s been working, we’ve both been working. Makes no difference to his level of input. I’m frequently stunned to meet people with toddlers the same age as ours where Dad has never put them to bed, or never had them for more than an hour on their own, never taken them out alone. Blows my mind honestly.

With respect you’re 17 months in. You have another 16 years to go!

A lot of these posts are really negative so I wanted to share my experience. I was worried about this before we had kids to the point that I wasn’t sure I wanted them.

Our relationship has definitely changed (we have 2 DC) but not necessarily for the worse. Parenting is the hardest but also the most rewarding thing, and I love being on this journey with my DH. I love seeing him be a dad. We’re both tired and the resentment can build if you let it but it’s about communicating properly, not competing and making an effort. That’s not easy when you’re knackered and time together looks very different (a takeaway in the evening or a quick coffee during the day). You’ll need to recognise you’re both exhausted but doing your best so that arguments don’t escalate.

I think you’re also going to have to adjust your expectations of yourself and who does what - your DH will need to pick up more of the slack around the house, especially in the early days. My DH does all the cooking and washing because I’m 7 weeks postpartum and doing all the feeding etc with the baby. My DH should be doing an equal share of those things (baby or not) in my view.

Breaks also look different for both of us - he can go to the gym, for a run. I can’t at the moment. But he makes sure I have time to nap, have a bath etc. It’s about not comparing - things won’t be equal in the first few months / year but your DH needs to step up and properly support you. It’s a real team effort. Despite how hard it is, we still manage to laugh together (usually after the tough days not during them) and I still enjoy spending time with him like I did before we had our DC. We still have sex but maybe not as often as we used to.

It is easy to get lost in just being parents and in the early years that is necessary to some extent- it’s just survival at times. I think it’s about recognising that and making an effort so that it doesn’t just continue that way.

I know you’ve said about being a sahm, and that can work for some couples, but having a job really helped me. It allowed me a bit of time to do something for me, to see people without a baby, to have my own income and a purpose outside of being a mum. I took a break and was off for 9 months and found being at home all day tough. Working a few days a week has helped, and I feel like I’m a better wife and mum for it - it evens things out and there is less resentment. You might feel differently but I’d wait until you’re in it to decide.

I think the idea of being at home with the baby full time sounds blissful when they’re tiny and cuddly and generally stay where you put them. I have a Monday with my 19mo and it’s spent running around after him and trying to keep him from wrecking the place. We try to be out a lot. I enjoy my working days and I always thought I’d want to be a SAHM. 😂

I don’t think anyone is being ‘extremely negative’. Nobody has said they hate their DH, or that it’s destroyed their relationship. My relationship definitely isn’t destroyed - but we get zero time together, and the time we do have is as carers, so of course whatever relationship you had before is going to change shape. I do think OP’s post is a little naive and smug, but we were all naive and smug before having children, so that’s normal.

I also think ‘having a baby’ is very very different to having a toddler and then a school age child. With a baby you’re on mat leave, it’s all fresh and exciting, people visit, everyone makes a fuss of you. But that mostly grinds to a halt after a couple of years at most, and then you’re left with many years of the same grinding duties and lack of sleep, and people are less excited about DC2, DC3 etc.

Therefore I think posts like ‘our baby is 6 months and our relationship is wonderful’ are valid, but to be read with caution as parenting isn’t just having a baby and all the excitement that entails.

The following aren't bad, they're normal, and part & parcel of having a baby, but it'sdbe great to prep yourself:

• pink & blue jobs...out the window. It's a survival/necessity team effort in the early days. If your DH valued that conservative version of you, he will have to get used to mucking in fast and getting used to a new dynamic. You won't know yet how flexible he is on this. He won't either until it happens.
• you might need a lot of recovery from giving birth (prolapse, tear, emergency C-section). Hopefully not, but lock down expectations right now as often women are expected to just 'get on with it' & that's very, very tough. Hopefully (I'm wishing for you!) it'll be a great birth experience though.
• I did all the night feeds too while on maternity but I resented my DH. Why? Because I almost couldn't see straight with tiredness after a few weeks (or months was it? Can't remember!) & it was SO hard struggling through a day solo with the relentless demands of a baby/toddler. The idea of going to work felt like a break for him!
• we both looked dishevelled regularly for a while, with no chance to connect outside of a few minutes here and there, with a messy-ish house (which adds to the stress but something's got to give)
• some days you won't have time to shower and even going to the loo can be a nightmare some days (really!!).
• the hardest thing is that you don't know what kind of parents you're going to be. It's easy to be on the same page before birth because there IS no page. It's a total surprise after and it can work or become a constant clash
• your DH has never seen a dishevelled version of you that has no time for him. Seriously, have a very serious chat about this now, expectations from him about cooking, cleaning, your appearance, how it'll feel to have to focus only on the baby. - Because babies are majorly unpredictable you can't build in any time together ahead of time really (unless you have great family support) so it's hard to keep a connection for a while.
• you'll get sick constantly at certain periods as babies/toddlers/small kids pick up everything from daycare/nursery/school. Seeing each other regularly sick and work down is not fun.
• As everyone else says, no lie ins, etc. The sleep deprivation changes through nature of everything for quite a while. Try not to take point scoring seriously (because when you're that sleep deprived you WILL point score! It's not about how much you love each other, though. It's about survival instincts).

If you can believe it, some of the above counts as the good times, too 😄. Really have some talks before your baby arrives is my advice and be honest. What slightly concerns me is the traditional nature of your relationship - nothing wrong in that of course - but if he needs or expects a continuation of all of that when the baby comes I think you might both be sailing in some rough waters. It's not like you can't make him dinner every night when he comes home, it's that you might need to sacrifice washing the sick out of your hair, or leaving the house messy, or having a few mins or rest, to make it happen! And you may not feel getting a grown man food is suddenly that important in the scheme of things, in those moments.

Lots of lovely times too though, babies are awesome, and the baby months and toddler years are some of my best ever memories of life!-but basically try to mentally prep yourself for it all.

10 months in with a baby who is yet to sleep more than two hours consecutively nevermind through the night:

Everything is a transaction. We take it in turns to do nights with her. One does bath and bed while one makes dinner. He cleans downstairs on one of his lunch breaks. I clean upstairs on one of mine. One does nursery drop off, one does nursery pick up. It’s easy to get in to a resentful tit for tat on who is getting an easier ride.

But we’re starting to see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel and despite not having slept in the same bed for 10 months we do now get some evenings on the sofa for a chat and cuddle!

@HearMeOutt Oh I didn’t realise all the other answers were from the parents of adults who’ve flown the nest 🧐

I was answering based on my own experience (and with thought to the many, many, many MN threads from people who are 3 weeks or 3 months or 13 months in, complaining that their partner doesn’t lift a finger or hasn’t changed his life an iota).

I just want to weigh in because I feel like we have a similar relationship with the closeness and the traditional roles.

One thing I would really want to prepare you for is how much you really miss each other. My husband and I are best friends and happiest when we're together, so suddenly having no time together was a huge shock to the system. The baby blues hit on day four and I cried for ages just because I missed him. Little one is now 7 months old, and honestly I still feel like I'm grieving our relationship before the birth. I think the difficulty is that when we do get a moment together, we don't know how long it'll last. We put baby to bed, start watching a film or having a meal together, and we don't know if it's going to last 5 minutes or two hours before baby is crying. We really took for granted that our time was ours before. It's getting easier as baby gets older, but I wish someone had warned me, because I was focusing on being tired and the house being a mess, but not my marriage.

Also, it's not unbelievable for your partner to love coming home to the two of you - my husband says it's the best part of the day to walk in after a rough day and see his two girls.

The intimacy side of things really depends on how the birth goes and your healing. After that, it's just a case of taking an opportunity!

True, it's generally miserable but better OP goes in with real expectations, so that if she's fortunate, her actual experience will be much better. There appears to be some youthful naivete oozing from her posts along the lines of 'we are soulmates bla bla' which is great and a blessing. At least, she will now be more patient and have greater perspective when they have a bad day later on.

Having kids destroyed our marriage but that just showed it wasn’t good in the first place. I realised only after our second child was born and Covid hit, how selfish he was and how he was jealous of the children for taking up my time.

My advice would be:
Dad gets 10 minutes to decompress after work every day then takes baby to allow mum to have 30 minutes to shower etc.
When both parents are at home it should largely be 50/50 split on what needs doing, not one running around after baby and making dinner with one sitting on the sofa.
Nights should be split in some way to make sure both parents get reasonable sleep. Do shifts. if Mum on maternity leave then she goes to bed at 9pm while dad on duty til midnight. Midnight-6am mum on duty then dad on duty from 6am until he goes to work. for example. Mum then naps during the day if required / if bad night go to bed earlier and dad does more of evening shift.
Exclusively breastfeeding isn’t an excuse for dad to do fuck all, dad can change nappies and settle baby.

It simply won’t be the case that dad comes home every night to a beaming mum and baby. Lower your expectations

Hi op congratulations on your soon to be baby. I would say no one can ever even imagine how much a baby changes you and your life. Honestly just take people’s advice opinions but until baby is here you or your dh will not know what has hit you your whole world will change hopefully for the better. Until you are both parents you can never know how it will affect your relationship. If you read the posts on here it will probably scare the crap out of you. The most solid relationships can crack you just have to be ready to deal with anything and do it as a team otherwise it will be hard graft. Baby’s are the best thing but omg they are really hard work overall not just as baby’s but right through out there life. Good luck.

I think the hardest thing for many relationships like this where you are each others whole world is when the baby arrives and the mother naturally loves and prioritises the baby above all else. Men often don’t seem to do this to such an extent and it can cause jealousy/resentment. But nobody can tell what your situation will be like or how each of you will react to parenthood. I thought I would be fa worse at it than I am. I thought DH would be the soft one and I’d be strict ans it’s the total opposite. Just enjoy the journey and keep communicating with each other.

Sleep train when your child >6 months for your sanity and your relationship.

Mummy martyrdom is not absolute necessity.

Mummy martyrdom not necessity but neither is teaching your tiny kid you'd rather not comfort them when they are in need.

Loool. Case in point.

We were strong and in love before, and we are strong and loved up now. But it's undeniably different.

The thing is you talk about having a baby, and yes, you are initially, but actually you're having a child. For us, the baby stage (especially newborns) was easy. Our love life resumed fine within a couple of weeks (I had two easy planned sections). My first slept well for the first few months, which meant from about 6 weeks of age we had evenings to ourselves. We shared the wake ups so sleep deprivation wasn't an issue. We could still have conversations without prying ears.

Then they got older. Their sleep deteriorated, we were both juggling work, they sleep less than the day so no hidden opportunities there, and because sleep deteriorated we lost our evening as as well. Broadly speaking that has continued. In 8 years of parenting, the only reliable evenings to ourselves we've had, were in the first 3 months. We've gone through spells where we've had a few weeks, before we've lost them again, but they've not been reliable.

The only time (aside from school) we don't have awake children (ie opportunity for sex...) It's between 10:30 p.m. and 6:00 a.m. Neither child (6+8!) sleeps through reliably, so I'm certainly not going to be setting my alarm for 5:00 a.m!

We get around it by taking flexi time breaks when working from home together, but many people can't do that, and it requires planning.

Even in a relationship where everything is split very evenly like mine, it's easy for resentment to kick in because you both feel like you do too much, not because the other person doesn't pull their weight, but because there is so much to do.

We were trying to find a date for a night alone (hurrah for grandparents, though it's not very often). We are looking at some time in January. We used to have that every night. And then when you do get 24 glorious hours to yourselves there's pressure not to waste it because it's the most precious and rare thing. So you can't just relax and chill out because that feels wasted.

For the sleep deprived years (whether there was last a few months or well into to school like for me), the best comparison I can make is think about the few days before your wedding, when you were stressed and trying to finalise things. Then add on that gunky knackered feeling you get at the tail end of the flu, and combine those two things. That's pretty much what parenthood on 4 hours of broken sleep a night feels like.
Then imagine in that situation somebody who feels fine breezily coming back with a big grin on their face, and you might get why people say you'd be ready to punch him not welcome him home 😂.

Not everyone hates their spouse after children, but it requires give and take, and for both of you to feel like you're putting in a huge amount of effort. There's no room for slackers, that's where resentment comes from.