How does your relationship change with a baby?

[Babybear260]

I’m assuming a shift in relationship with husband is inevitable. Or so people say. My husband and I are so unbelievably close. We really are each other’s worlds and we depend on each other greatly (in a healthy and sweet way) - ie we work great as a team.

In terms of sexual intimacy - it’s been next to none since I conceived in June. Even though I want to, I really don’t feel attractive. I feel large and swollen. He thinks I’m very attractive pregnant which is very sweet and he totally respects and understands why I’m feeling this way. I’m also worried about getting a UTI (I was prone to them pre pregnancy so don’t even want to risk it)

Sex to us is not an important part of our overall relationship. We snuggle, nestle up together, hug, kiss, we’re there for each other everyday emotionally BUT I am curious as to how sex might look to us now a baby is en route.

Will I ever feel ‘sexy’ again? I’m 27 and before pregnancy I guess I was attractive. I obviously did not go round saying that or even think it back then but when I look back at pre pregnancy photos, I really do think ‘omg I was hot 6 months ago’… so I guess that’s why I felt sexier back then.

Is sex is completely off the cards when the baby arrives? Do couples sex lives usually go back to even slightly how they were before, after the newborn stage? Or is it doomed until they move out and go to uni?? It feels wrong to be intimate when a child is in a house, will it not? It feels strange when there is a baby inside me.

Besides the sex life, what should we be prepared for in terms of general relationship shift?! We have quite a traditional relationship now and apologies if anyone finds this sexist but I do all the ‘girly’ stuff ie cook, wash the clothes, towels, sheets, clean (he also cleans but I just prefer to do it because it stresses me out, he’ll do it 2 hours after dinner and I like to do ASAP) and he does the ‘manly’ stuff ie fixes things in the house, starts the fire, mow the grass, drives us everywhere, fixes my car, takes it to the garage blah blah and he deals with our finances, savings - thank god otherwise I would overspend so I’m grateful for that.

A rather standard relationship where we both pull our weight with certain aspects. I’ll be on maternity for AT least a year (hoping not go back to work until our baby goes to primary school but keeping options open) so naturally, I do expect to be doing more with the baby. Because he will be work providing. That won’t be a shock to me. He gets 2 weeks paternity leave which is standard but I can’t imagine a world where I’m like ‘ seriously - do more’ or resenting him for not doing more with the baby. I know he will make a great dad, he will come home beaming to me and the baby. But I’m sure we’ll be a lot more tired, things might feel more mundane than before but we’ll also have a beautiful baby we created.

but I hear so many stories where people end up resenting each other because they feel one partner doesn’t pull their weight etc etc. of course I’m well aware that even tho our relationship is daisies now, things can and maybe are likely to change?

So I guess I’m asking if and how your relationship changed with your husband after a baby? So I can prepare and not be very naive

I had to chuckle at the idea of him coming in every night beaming at you. Can guarantee if he does that, by month 3 you’ll be wanting to punch him in the face if he grins at you one more time… babies are hard on relationships. Things you thought were cute before suddenly become annoying as hell. There were days just the sound of your partner breathing is enough to want to kill them. They’ll be a moment when you’re exhausted and the baby cries, and your husband doesn’t move, just assumes you’ll go - because you always do - and that little niggle of resentment will appear. Once it does, it grows.

it’s all well and good having ge see split roles right now, as long as he’s prepared to step up as you need him too in the early days when recovering from labour and childbirth and then getting used to a baby!

Your sex life will be different. But it can recover. It gets less spontaneous though.

Our first baby was an easy, textbook baby - so it wasn’t as bad as some have it. After our second though, who just didn’t sleep etc, I realised that I was doing EVERYTHING. And I deeply resented it, I resent my husband having no idea about our kids likes & dislikes, who their friends are, when they have important school stuff on, assuming I’ll be the one who will take the day off if they’re sick, etc. resentment is what you need to watch out for.

Congratulations and good luck!

You’re starting out from a good place and you’re young so you’ve got those going for you which makes a massive difference.
I don’t think you will hear many people say having a baby had very little effect on their relationship but at the same time I’m sure there are plenty whose relationship was not very negatively affected and they are probably likely to be less vocal about it.
It’s also an incredible thing to experience with someone, it can bring a new profound type of intimacy and a bond like no other- you’ve made a life together. It’s part of both of you and it is too truly amazing to see that life come into the world, to nurture your child together.
But then there are so many things that may or may not happen. It is so dependent on personal circumstances.
For me I had PND and we went into the first lockdown a few months after I had my first and only baby. We were trapped in a one bedroom apartment full of damp, him trying to work from home on the only table, me trying to keep the baby quiet. All of my childhood fears came for me and I got so afraid of losing him I started to push him away.
My body felt different because I had birth injuries.
I honestly thought there was no way things would ever feel right again but now things between us are better than they had been for a long time.
There is no universal experience, there are too many variables. But if you’re relationship is strong hopefully you should be able learn how to parent together, to share the experience and stay connected with each other. A lot of couples do.
The thing about becoming a parent is it’s not just something that happens to you. It’s all about learning, making mistakes and getting back up trying again, keeping going. There are highs and lows and they are often extreme or at least feel that way when you’re stressed and tired. You have to allow yourselves time to adjust and not be too hard on yourselves or each other.

Thank you! You’re right. I think it’s very easy to get consumed with everyone’s experiences that might be more negative and some people won’t have much to say, and often ‘good’ experiences don’t get talked as much as negative ones.

as you say, hopefully we can learn, make mistakes and grow as a couple (well, as a family!) X

If I were you I’d bin off the pink and blue jobs element of the relationship, as well as your ‘Good Wives Guide’ expectations. For your own good.

It’s really not all doom and gloom when you’re in an equal partnership but DH’s contribution of DIY on the weekend and taking the car in isn’t going to cut it.

You need to be independent and both learn to do each others roles effectively. You need to be capable of doing everything he does practically and he needs to be able to cook, clean and look after DC to your standard.

I also suggest having the hard conversations now, parenting styles, division of labour and what happens if something happened to one of you etc.

Any number of things can happen that you don’t know exist or can’t anticipate.

Our DC2 is such as bad sleeper that both DH and I have had breakdowns this year from sheer exhaustion and burnout.

I have to say in terms of other couples I know, a very common issue is the mum being unhappy because the dad doesn’t pull his weight and also needs instructions for everything.

Exciting times OP!

It sounds like you have a solid foundation which is brilliant. DH and I have a 6 month old and a 2.5 year old - all my friends also have babies so I feel like I can speak on this!

The most common issue seems to be resentment. It isn’t generally resentment of anyone not pulling their weight, it’s resentment that your DH’s life won’t really change while yours will be upside down for a while. He will get up and go to work as normal, maybe go out for lunch, go to football with his mates or stop by the pub etc and he’ll do all that without any forward planning, meal prep, pumping for bottles etc. You’ll probably find yourself asking him “do you mind holding the baby while I go for a shower?” whilst he would just shower without a second thought because it’s easy to fall into the position of being THE parent when you’re with them all the time. Most of the mothers I know have felt like that at one time or another.

That said, having babies hasn’t negatively impacted our relationship at all. We’re stronger than ever. We nurture our marriage as well as nurturing our children. Our sex life was active before and is still active now - possibly not as active, but still 3-5 times a week from about 10 weeks PP.

My top tip is that if you feel annoyed/upset by something he does or says (and you might, either for good reason, or because your hormones are all over the fucking place and you’re sleep deprived) don’t react in the moment. Let it wash over you until you’re in a place that you can a) establish whether he actually did anything wrong or if you’re overreacting and b) are calm enough to be able to have a conversation without it escalating into an argument. Resolve issues as a team and meet each other’s needs. Don’t compete.

This is really great, practical advice. I shall try to do just that. Thank you vv much :)

Oh crikey @Babybear260 what a mixed bag pf responses. It certainly shows that no two relationships are the same.

We fell into the camp of it strengthening our relationship. We have had a couple of life course wobbles over the years but we have had a point of focus which means we systematically work through our issues. Long term relationships are going to have challenges whether you have children or not - life does that to you. What really matters is kindness and compassion when the chips are down, or when you are exhausted from being kept up at night by a grizzly baby.

If you have a shit sleeper, you will probably loathe your husband. I did and still do some days (for a dozen reasons).
Your life changes, often theirs barely do

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP 🙂 also bucking the trend here a little bit - I hated being pregnant and wouldn’t let DH anywhere near me, then I was diagnosed with breast cancer when DD was 16 weeks so after the surgeries for that, losing all my hair and the forced menopause I was as far away from feeling “sexy” as it’s possible to get! Also DD had terrible reflux and we have no family support nearby.

Did any of that ruin my relationship? No. DH was an equal parent from day 1 and when I was ill I couldn't have asked for a more supportive loving partner. Yes we bickered and snapped at each other where we didn’t before but I wouldn’t ever say I resented him or felt my life had changed where his hadn’t etc. DD is 3 now and we are stronger than ever, we often say we can get through anything having got through that! We are an extreme example 🤣 but it is not a given that your relationship will be decimated by the stress of having a baby.

thank you so much - I am so glad you and your partner are resilient and you are stronger than ever! It sounds like YOU as a person are strong. That’s so lovely to know - and I wish you all the health and happiness in the world

That’s really interesting and I think a few people have said the same. Right now (and of course this is based on no experience whatsoever)) but if I’m on maternity leave and my husband is up at 7am, I would expect to be the one getting up for the baby (especially as I’m hoping to breastfeed) and so no resentment towards him there….. but lots have people have mentioned it so I can’t rule out I won’t do a complete U turn on that stance!

Absolutely this! I was in hospital a lot when DD was small, occasionally overnight, and when she was about 9 months I was in for a whole week. DH didn’t need teaching on how to look after his own child when I got sick because he’d been doing it from day 1, and I didn’t have the additional worry about his incompetence when I wasn’t there. I’m back at work full time and DD is in nursery, but DH still works compressed hours to be with her one day a week. It’s also meant I’ve been able to have weekends away with friends etc as he doesn’t need me there to tell him what to do, and he and DD are very close.

i think it's helpful, even if the overall plan is to have a breadwinner/SAHM pattern, for DH to occasionally have the baby solo. It's good for his and the baby relationship with each other and it lets him understand your world a bit (you already know what getting up and going out to work is like). Shared experience can bring shared understanding and intimacy, otherwise it can feel like two very different lives suddenly. I wish you well, you sound so excited!, it's a wonderful step whatever the challenges.

OP, no one can tell you what it’s like because there’s no standard, one-size-fits-all experience of parenthood, or how having a child changes a relationship. You’re an individual, so is your husband, your relationship is specific to you, and your baby has never been born before. A lot will depend on your baby’s hea,th and temperament, your individual personalities, the adults’ ability to tolerate stress and new responsibilities, and to roll with the punches of it not just being the two of you any more. Because whereas you’re used to knowing your DH would take a bullet for you, in not too long he’d push you in front of the gun to save your child. And you’d do the same. And it can take some adjustment. I certainly mourned it being just the two of us for a long time.

My one piece of relationship advice, as well as economic and professional advice, is to return to work at the end of your maternity. Much better for everyone.

I was on maternity for 7 months, and breastfed so I really saw no need for my husband to be getting no sleep. He moved into the spare bedroom after the 1st week (I had tearing and alot of stitches so he got up the first week to pick baby up and pass to me to feed because I was a bit sore and stiff).

I absolutely didn't resent him, it was my idea... but sheer exhaustion sometimes means you'll get really aggressively annoyed at small things like his ability to shower whenever he wants or peeing solo 😂

We had a really tough first 4/5 months and our baby screamed and screamed if he wasn't with me. It was exhausting. Similar to people whose babies get colic or reflux etc.

The BEST things my husband did for me was keeping my Stanley full of cool water and making sure I ate. The pink jobs you do now will likely fall to pieces... your standards of cleanliness will drop drastically because you have a whole new purpose and full time job.Keeping a newborn alive is exhausting but obviously very rewarding.

Overall, I don’t think having a baby changed our relationship much and having a child has certainly made us stronger as a unit. That said, the hormones PP can be wild. I remember trying to get a doctor to change my emergency contact from my DH to someone else because I felt like I hated him. I really didn’t but I was totally taken aback by the strength of feeling that I had against him. It was totally the result of hormones all over the place and lack of sleep but it really did a number on me.

It’s such an amazing and special time but believe me being a parent is the most difficult, life changing experience that nothing or nobody can prepare you for. I remember v early days regretting my decision ( I can say all this now that they are teenagers) I really missed my independence and being needed 14/7 was very challenging on my mental health. Don’t even get me started on the days that you’re ill and just want to lie in bed but you absolutely have no choice but to plough on.

life Will definitely change but so will you and you learn to adapt! Xxx

I’ve EBF both my babies and I honestly think it leads to less resentment over sleep because when the baby wakes there is never any suggestion or opportunity for anyone else to deal with it. If we were FF I think there’d be plenty of rows over whose turn it was 😂

For us it made us closer than ever, our first 4 were born within 3 years and yes mainly lack of sleep made us zombies for a while but to see my hubby work hard come home still kiss and cuddle me, wake in the night to help before going to work at 5 am...to still be cuddled up with our little ones laying around us, to still make time to talk to each other etc..if your both working at it now matter how exhausted you feel you get thru it and just feel even more love for each other. Plus don't make arguments etc when your tired everything seems worse but best to keep your mouth shut than say something regrettable...and don't push your other half out just because you feel a nappy or bottle isn't given or done in the right way... :)

I’ve EBF our third and I do NOT expect to do all of the night shifts. I am very much someone who needs to sleep so I would be broken if DH didn’t take his turn. I will feed DS but DH always gets up to get him out of his cot and bring him to me or takes him down first thing in the morning so I can have a bit longer to sleep.

With our DD2, she was FF (I wanted to BF my first two but it just didn’t work out that way) so DH and I would take a night each. That felt more manageable than switching in the night.

Yes, DH had to work during the day but I had to be functioning enough to look after a baby and older children. For DD2, I was expected to home school DD1 as it was lockdown. No way could I have got through that torture with sleep deprivation!

You can’t plan to not be annoyed by this.

My first baby woke every 1-1.5 hours. Over 8 times a night. I would be happy if I ever slept 3 hours in a row. Even 2 hours joined together would be a good night.
My second and third baby slept much better.

but if you have a bad sleeper, and you haven’t had 3 hours in a row for months on end and your husband doesn’t step in a take the baby at say 4am when you are broken and feeling insane, yes you are going to look and them and think their life hasn’t changed and yours has considerably. Him going to work each day is not the struggle you think it is. It starts to look like a lovely normal life with sleep and hot drinks and a commute where he’s sits down to relax etc. saying you plan not to resent him and do all the work yourself is a bit naive IMO if you have a bad sleeper

Friggin hell I've been a completely single mum for the last 8 years to my dc 9 and 11 and our life is not like what you have described at all 🤣

The way you have described it sounds absolutely horrendous

I think where it gets difficult and resentment can form is an example like this:

You say you like to do the more traditional stuff like cooking and cleaning but when you have a small baby you are going to find it really hard to keep on top of that by yourself. You will want your DH to step up and do it - but will he and can he do it to the standard you want? I used to get rage and resentful when I’d spent hours upstairs breastfeeding and settling baby to see DH had done a half arsed job of cleaning up dinner, bins not put out etc. He’s massively improved (after a few rows) but it’s things like that where arguments can happen. Especially when everyone is really tired and haven’t got their most reasonable heads on.

Also, the thing about beaming coming home to you and a baby is perhaps a bit unrealistic, You are going to be desperate to hand that baby over and disappear for a bit I promise you 😂

However, I think if you fundamentally have a strong relationship and your DH is fully committed to stepping up then it really can strengthen a relationship even further. I think me and DH feel even closer because we have been through so much together! But there’s been some serious bumps and back to realities along the way!

We’re one of those annoying couples who having a baby has definitely made stronger, although I don’t really admit this in real life as most relationships seem to struggle. I think ultimately before our relationship was untested, we’d never been through an extended really hard time, now we have and I know he shows up for me and puts me and our baby first. I’ll never forget how much he’s done for me and our baby on top of working a full time high pressure job, basically without any complaining and when I was on my knees with exhaustion or just worn out with a baby who was unhappy all day he definitely carried us emotionally.

He was the one in my corner saying “you can do this, what can I do to make it easier, I’ll take the baby you have a bath” despite the fact he’d also been up in the night and worked a 12 hour day. I always thought he’d be great like this but now I know for certain and of course it’s made me love him more. We still have sex approx once a week which I think is good going with a baby under 1 and we both enjoy it.

So it does and can happen, but I’m afraid to say the people who’ve struggled the most IME are the ones who were convinced their relationship was perfect pre kids. It can be really shocking to suddenly think your husband is a selfish jerk and resent him if you’ve never experienced that emotion towards him before and it will happen, it did for me even though objectively my husband was fantastic. Our relationship was really good pre kids but we had certainly argued and had niggles which I actually think helped when kids came along as we knew we could get through it.

I also EBF and did most of the night feeds but it’s not realistic to think you’ll still be thinking sweetly “you get some rest love” as you get up the fourth time in the night after 8 months of sleeping no more than 3 hour stretches. Equally it’s unlikely your husband will come through the door beaming every night after a long day at work when you’re probably going to want to thrust the baby at him and run away to sit in a quiet room for an hour. I think if this is what you are expecting you are in for a shock and that’s what can seriously negatively impact your marriage, if the reality doesn’t live up to your expectations.

I think the key is to be prepared and not assume everything is going to be all sunshine and roses. Assume you will snipe at each other, assume you won’t sleep, assume you will both be extremely overwhelmed and agree to try to be kind to each other and work on that basis.

Good luck and get a cleaner if you can possibly afford it.