Social services referral

[Queenxxx]

Hi everyone,

I’m currently pregnant and have two toddlers. I went to another city for a family wedding for a weeek. Whilst I was gone, I lost my phone and so I didn’t see that the midwife had been trying to reach me. I had an appointment during that week that I completely forgot about.( I’ve also missed a few appointments in the past in this pregnancy because I just asrived late or I completely forgot about.)She then went to my house a few times and I obviously wasn’t home so they got really concerned because they couldn’t reach my phone or in person. My upstairs window also has a crack in it . (A couple of weeks ago, I put an electric heater on my bedroom window ledge to help with damp, and it cracked the window I know it was so stupid of me). So the midwife told children’s services and they rang my husband who then got me to talk to them. They told me they’re concerned about me bc the midwife can’t get in touch ect. I cleared everything up and told them me and the kids are completely fine we’ve just not been in for the past week bc of a family wedding ect. She then replied saying just tell us the truth it will be better for you, I was literally sooo confused and shocked thinking wtf is she on about. She then said we’re really concerned and need to see you and your children. I said fine I’m going home today anyway (because it was the last day of the wedding functions) you can come tomorrow. Today morning when they came they were soooo rude. They sat down and said look we’re just gonna be straight with you, your window is broken, you haven’t been answering your phone you missed your appointments. What is going on?! Tell us the truth and if we’re not satisfied we will refer you to social services. So I told them everything, I’m dopey and forgot the appointment date, I didn’t answer phone bc it’s been lost and I wasn’t home bc I was at a wedding. They said why is your window broken so I told them that too. They mentioned that this could put my children at risk and have raised concerns about my housing, including some arrears of £5,000 on housing benefit in my name. I told them that I’m trying to clear it up ect. Anyway I later met the midwife an hour later and she told me that they are referring me to social services

They have said that because of these concerns, they may get more involved and could assign a social worker. I’m scared because I’ve had past issues like depression, and I worry this might be brought up too. I’ve also heard from others that once social services get involved, they don’t leave you alone, which makes me even more anxious.

I’m worried about what this means for me and my children, and I don’t know what to expect next. I’ve tried to make sure everything is safe at home, but I’m feeling overwhelmed by the potential scrutiny.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation with social services? How did it play out, and is there any advice on how to manage the process and protect my family while remaining cooperative?

Bring in temporary accom and having hg while trying to raise two other children all sounds stressful. An offer of help in those circumstances can’t be a bad thing.

Is your husband pulling his weight with your home?

@Queenxxx is your husband living with you in temporary accommodation?

Are you together or separated?

They just want to help you, not take your children.

They won't take your kids! They will just support you - take the help as we are lucky to have it in this country. I'm sure you will feel better soon - how many weeks are you? You know you can take meds for hg, have you been diagnosed? There are pg safe meds (appts tell you this!!)

It does sound like you really need this support OP, take it. SS are not there to hurt you, they are there to support you and it sounds as though you do really need it. It is not normal to miss multiple appointments, be uncontactable, living with a broken window, in temporary accommodation provided by the council etc… you have been identified as needing support, rightfully do, there is nothing wrong with that

I used to work for SS. They’re there to support, removing children is a very last resort and rare.
Is the housing debt just in your name or yours and your husbands? If joint, hand that over to him to investigate.
Attend appointments going forward, I know it’s hard (we had 4 children in 6 years), but they are important.

I joint work with children and families social work and from what you have said the children will not be taken off you. Just be honest with them and see what support they offer. Remember it’s not about “taking children away”. The aim is to keep families together if safe to do so and they will offer so much support to keep the children at home. Social work services can look at housing, finances, getting people mental health support, if you are struggling with pregnancy do you need any extra help with the children e.g. getting them to school/nursery etc. If they do not deem the children to be at risk and can’t identify anything they can support you with you will be discharged.

If you can remember a wedding, you should be able to remember appointments too. It just sounds like they might not be a priority and that is concerning.

OP a Quick Look at your previous threads shows you do really need this support. You’ve been homeless for a long time, missed appointments for your baby when they were newborn last time, and having contacted the police because your child’s missing before will flag too. It doesn’t mean they will want to take your kids off you, but things like attending appointments, particularly for your children are important, no excuses. It’s a shame you haven’t been given this support sooner. Hopefully they will help you put strategies in place that will help you long term.

You do everything they say. Even if you don’t want to/don’t feel like you need it/want to push back and explain WHY you don’t need it - you just do everything they say with a smile and gratitude.

They may be light touch support or they may want you to go on parenting courses. You may think you don’t need them. You go anyway.

Goodness people have been harsh OP! I work for Social Services. You will probably be offered some initial support that may help as HG is crippling and you have 2 young kids. You can choose to say yes to this. From what you have said you are unlikely to be actually referred to a social worker.
The midwife is doing due diligence but I appreciate this feels very worrying. Please don't worry, it'll be for support rather than scalding you or taking away your kids!
Mumsnet is a unpleasant place and rarely makes anyone feel better about their shared problems.
Log off (I'll do the same after reading this!)

Wishing you the best x

That is really unhelpful, and very rude to other posters. As a social worker maybe you should reconsider giving advice citing your professional background when you don’t know any details, that won’t help OP. OP has posted about her issues a lot on here and actually does need support.

deleted because I read an update from another poster about other missed appointments, so maybe I am wrong.

I worked in a role supporting people who were also often being supported by social services and I do think their reputation is undeserved (although obviously like any job there will be good and bad). I know people say that it’s hard to get them to leave you alone once they’re in contact with you but I worked with loads of people who were involved with them only temporarily.

Advice like others have said is to listen and accept help and follow their guidance. I think a lot of people jump to defensiveness and trying to convince them they’ve got it wrong and they don’t need help but it’s better to just embrace it and see it as another avenue of support.

I do agree with PP that it’s not normal to forget multiple appointments. I think you’re hearing an end to that sentence that isn’t there though. It’s like you’re hearing “so everyone thinks you’re a terrible parent” which is not true. It could just mean it’s a sign that you have a lot to deal with and so support could help.

I think you’d be best just listening to them and being open. Perhaps write some notes down eg of phone calls you made about the housing benefit arrears, what was said and what you’re currently waiting on. Eg you said you’re sorting it but reading that I assumed at first you meant you were trying to pay it back whereas it sounds like it’s a mistake and you’re trying to get the records fixed to show you don’t owe it and never did. So even just like “I rang on the 12th August and spoke to Henry who said X and said they’d call back in 5 days. Then…”

Also you could get evidence of reporting the window. Things happen and it’s normal but it’s just showing them you are managing and are in the process of dealing.

Social services are very stretched and they see some really awful things. They absolutely will not think you’re a bad mum because you’ve got HG and have missed some appointments. They just need to check you and the kids are okay and put some support in place if needed.

If you are cooperative and open, it’s exceedingly likely that you will be discharged quickly and even that it could actually help.

I totally get why it’s a worry but please remember that when you’re hearing people’s stories of how terrible social services are, you’re not always going to be hearing the full story.

Also I know you’re worried about the depression being brought up but as long as there’s no issues at home that would worry them, even if they are interested in that it would probably just be to check how you are after the baby in case you could be at risk or PND.

It isn't just one appointment though, is it?

It is this appointment plus the appointments she has missed before because she has either forgot or turned up so late that they didn't see her.

Multiple appointments, she says. Either way, it's clear to me that you should get access to some support & that's a really good thing. I wish I had state support when I had hg with a young kid to get to nursery!! Nobody will take your kids; they will just help you get some things sorted so you can be the best version of yourself for you and for your family

OP has already said this isn’t the first and only appointment she has missed during this pregnancy. Missing one appointment isn’t a red flag but missing multiple appointments, being uncontactable, not at your home address, in temp accommodation with 2 toddlers is far beyond just “forgot to rearrange one appointment”.

Was this baby planned OP? And what is your marriage like generally?

They won’t remove kids unless they are in danger. They’re just following protocol which is good. But it also sounds like mistakes and that as long as you can prove things (window appointment and wedding) that they’ll probably be satisfied.

do you have a phone now? Perhaps set some reminders on it.

Yes, hence I edited my comment straight away and admitted I was wrong.

Yes that’s why I edited my comment immediately.

Just seen it. Fair enough.

OP don't worry, just focus on stability and housing. Attend every midwife and SS appointment diligently. Once you speak to them consider if you do need support. Prioritise the things you should be remembering and let other less important things take a back seat for now. It would take a lot for kids to be removed from parents.

OP you really do need the help. I've just had a look through your (many) previous threads and I remember the one about your mum kicking you out for getting pregnant again. You really need to create some stability in your life and your children's lives and that obviously hasn't happened yet so let SS help you.

I think you have to look at this as not punitive but looking out for your children. Missing multiple midwife appointments IS putting your unborn child at risk. It doesn't mean you don't care about your child or that you are trying to abuse them, but it is putting them at risk. A crack in the widow could put you children risk if one of them leaned on it and it broke. Not answering the phone is failing to allow them to help you. It's not that you are trying to abuse your kids, but the midwives need to explore this. And a guess if something was wrong, missing multiple midwife appointments could lead to failing to seek medical care which your child needs, which is abuse.

Is it just me, or is it weird and unnecessarily threatening that a midwife can see debts like social housing rent arrears? Is that normal?

And they could surely have called your husband's number right away when they couldn't get hold of you?

Fingers crossed that a social services visit means you'll get prioritised for permanent accommodation!