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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Partner wants me to abort baby

73 replies

OneFancyViewer · 24/07/2025 21:31

Hi Everyone, I have just found out I am pregnant with baby number 4. I am about to start my dream job, I didn't know I was pregnant when I applied because I was still having a period like bleed at the time of the month. Partner wants me to have an abortion because he thinks 4 children is to much, we would need a bigger car etc. He has no interest in discussing it further he just wants me to have an abortion. I always wanted 4 children and I don't want to go through this again because he is forcing me to. Financially things haven't been great recently, I know this is not an ideal situation but it has happened. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Poopeepoopee · 24/07/2025 21:34

Honestly, I'm inclined to agree with your partner. Especially with regard to finances. Imagine the money you have now which is divided into 5 - now it has to be divided into 6 - everyone gets less. Also, the 3 children you already have are gonna have less for driving lessons, cars, university, house deposit - just less of everything for everybody.

I think 3 is enough and if it's early enough you should consider your partners suggestion. I hope things work out for you .

NarnianQueen · 24/07/2025 21:35

If you abort a baby you want, purely for circumstances, you will always regret it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2025 21:42

Why hasn’t he had a vasectomy? Was he using condoms? You imply you’ve had an abortion beforehand so it sounds like contraception has been an issue. He can’t force you to have an abortion, you can refuse. “It happened” is a bit lame, loads of things happen but it’s not the best way to bring a new person into the world when money is already a struggle and you’ve got 3 children depending on you. But if he hasn’t been taking responsibility for preventing pregnancy he’s being highly unreasonable moaning now. Can’t you still start the new job?

Leaveswoods · 24/07/2025 21:46

He has no interest in discussing it further he just wants me to have an abortion

he’s a total arsehole. This is your biggest issue not being pregnant

ReservationDogs · 24/07/2025 21:47

Sounds like you don't want an abortion.

You should start making plans to be a single parent.

JuniperandI · 24/07/2025 22:02

He's not interested in discussing it further? Sorry but f*ck him. It took two to tango, has he asked you about your feelings at all?

Neetra30 · 24/07/2025 22:05

If you think you can manage 4 children alone then keep it.
If not then listen to him. Because you cant force someone to go through the whole pregnancy childbirth thing again if they don't want to.
Your going to ruin your relationship by keeping a baby he doesnt want. I mean worst case scenario, he may say ok fine keep it but then he could also say that you would have to deal with childcare, feeding, changing etc.
How old are you both anyway?

Soontobe60 · 24/07/2025 22:09

NarnianQueen · 24/07/2025 21:35

If you abort a baby you want, purely for circumstances, you will always regret it.

Doesnt every woman who aborts a pregnancy do it for ‘circumstances’? No one does it for a laugh!

BlueBelle7979 · 24/07/2025 22:11

How old are your other children!? He can't force you to abort but it doesn't sound like you're in an ideal situation right now.

legoplaybook · 24/07/2025 22:15

NarnianQueen · 24/07/2025 21:35

If you abort a baby you want, purely for circumstances, you will always regret it.

What other reason is there than 'circumstances'?

OP, I would prioritise your existing children over your desire for a 4th baby. What would be in your older 3 children's best interest?

DorothyStorm · 24/07/2025 22:17

legoplaybook · 24/07/2025 22:15

What other reason is there than 'circumstances'?

OP, I would prioritise your existing children over your desire for a 4th baby. What would be in your older 3 children's best interest?

She is being pressured by her partner. This isn't what she wants.

Shoemadlady · 24/07/2025 22:17

If you’ve just started a new job then you’d potentially not have any entitlement to maternity pay so this would be a huge financial strain on your partner and on your family as a whole. I don’t really think it’s fair.

OneFancyViewer · 24/07/2025 22:17

@Poopeepoopee @AnneLovesGilbert Thanks for your honesty, you are right this is not an ideal situation if finances have been an issue and I know it's both of our fault. He doesn't want to get a vasectomy so I don't think he is 100% sure that he is done but now that I am pregnant he is saying that he doesn't want any more. @JuniperandI no he hasn't asked how i feel or listened to anything I have to say about out he just asked when is my appointment at the clinic.
@Neetra30 we are 35.
@BlueBelle7979 our other children are 9,7 and 2.

OP posts:
legoplaybook · 24/07/2025 22:19

DorothyStorm · 24/07/2025 22:17

She is being pressured by her partner. This isn't what she wants.

Edited

Did you mean to reply to me?

OVienna · 24/07/2025 23:08

He doesn't want to get a vasectomy? Oh ok. (Fuck that.)

thecatneuterer · 25/07/2025 00:01

Soontobe60 · 24/07/2025 22:09

Doesnt every woman who aborts a pregnancy do it for ‘circumstances’? No one does it for a laugh!

No, you could do it because you just have no desire to have a child regardless of circumstances.

Testerical · 25/07/2025 00:08

He doesn’t want to get a vasectomy for one of three reasons:

  • he is hedging his bets in case you split up
  • he is a completely selfish man baby who can’t deal with the idea of someone fiddling with his nuts but is very happy for you to go through multiple abortions and/ or childbirths
  • he thinks he might fancy another baby at some point yet has neither the decency nor the common sense to use protection in the meantime.

they are all really bad reasons.

Personally I’d have no qualms about having an abortion but you feel differently.

Id seriously consider what the future might look like though. If you separated, how would you survive financially and practically? With four kids you’d need a very large proper and a lot of income.

AiRoo · 25/07/2025 05:43

@Poopeepoopee im not sure what affluent world you must live in, but with university being £30+k per child and a house deposit these days nearing £75k, im pretty sure not many people would have circa £315k to dish out between their children.
i went to university, which I paid for, yes my parents paid for driving lessons and my car, but even though my parents are more than comfortable financially at no point would I or did I expect them to give me a house deposit!!!

OP, remember that mumsnet is a bit of a feminist men bashing area and you DH probably hasn’t had a vasectomy not because he’s “hedging his bets” if you spit up, it could purely be because he doesn’t want one. It is not, IMO, purely the man’s responsibility to prevent pregnancy.

you have 3 children, I genuinely don’t think one more will do that much harm, so yes you’ll have an extra mouth to feed, but you’ll get by, everyone always does. I think it depends on what’s truly important to you, the job, the extra money and if you’re planning on buying them all houses then yes it’ll be tight.

I think you have to ask yourself this question and this question alone “can I live with myself if I do this” I’ve seen a lot of posts on here where women don’t realise they can’t, until they’ve gone through the procedure.

don’t feel pressured by anyone, not your partner, not your friends and especially not Mumsnet. Only you can make this decision, only you will know how your head and heart will handle it.

All the best OP. Xx

Neetra30 · 25/07/2025 06:08

Sorry @OneFancyViewer I just noticed you said you dont want to go through this again?
Did you have an abortion before whilst being with your partner?

OneFancyViewer · 25/07/2025 19:03

@AiRoo thank you so much. It's hard to make a decision when feeling pressured especially when it's your own home. It's hard because there is no one really to talk to about this. @Neetra30 Yes I have had an abortion before whilst being with him. I said no at the time but he got really angry and persistent so I just gave in that time. At the time I did have a friend to speak to and she told me not to because he did want more children's he just felt it wasn't convenient for him. It took me a long time to not get upset about it. I also felt like I saw pregnant women everywhere so it was difficult.

OP posts:
Nimnuan · 25/07/2025 21:54

You always wanted four children. You feel you are being forced. You know what you want to do. Don't let a bunch of random internet people convince you otherwise. It's your body and your baby.
Do you have any family or friends you can go to for help if you need it? Even if you aren't very close you might have someone in your life who would be open to listening. Are you friendly with anyone at your kid's schools? Could you talk to the health visitors or midwives for support if he puts more pressure on you?

SecretNameforMN · 25/07/2025 22:05

This reply has been deleted

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Stripeyanddotty · 25/07/2025 22:32

@SecretNameforMN
Say that to anyone who has had a miscarriage.

JuniperandI · 25/07/2025 23:27

He's forced you to have abortions before? I'd be looking for a way to get away from him ASAP.

DCmum95 · 26/07/2025 03:47

If you keep the baby you have to be absolutely prepared that you may become a single mum to 4 children. Are you prepared for this? I’m not saying what to do either way but you need to think of the outcomes either way x