Single parent since 6 months pregnant and I feel so ashamed

[Pregnantandlookingforadvice]

Hi All,

My little boy is due in August 2025 and my ex bf of 4.5 years dumped me at 26 weeks + 2 days pregnancy (exactly 7 weeks ago today). I’m upset that I cannot provide my son with a two parent household. All my ex said was he didn’t love me anymore since the end of February / beginning of March and he wasn’t happy anymore. He is 31 next month and I am currently 27 this baby was not planned but I did not see this coming at all. It’s since come to light he was talking to a female co worker on Snapchat in secret at the beginning of March how coincidental. I am ashamed and feel so guilty that I will be a single parent and have to deal with all the hard work whilst he’s off doing whatever he wants. He’s told me he wants to be a part of his son’s life and is happy to pay support but I do not trust him if he can disrespect me at such a vulnerable time. I will be going through CMS to raise once he’s born but my heart is broken. I do not regret my little boy but my ex has taken away the chance to be a happy family together. I cannot face to be around him but I all I want to do is cry my heart out. This man chucked me out of his house the same night with no notice at 9pm then started packing my stuff / our sons stuff up that same night. I’ve already posted about the breakup before but I know time heals but right now I’m angry, upset and so apologetic to my little boy. This is more of a rant than anything but I feel like I’m not good enough even though I have our relationship everything.

He's not good enough for you and your baby! Not the other way around. He sounds awful, and you sound like you'll be much better off without him, even though it's hard right now xx

Oops, I typed way this post way to fast and hadn’t realised a few spelling mistakes 😬

@WednesdayonlineI really hope you’re right, I’m just struggling to move on. I’ve tried connecting with people on the Peanut app but nobody seems to understand as they’re all in happy family situations. He is a man child, when I had morning sickness he just played his video games. Even after the breakup he acts as though it doesn’t bother him, it’s so sad x

He's the one who should be feeling shame, not you. You have done nothing wrong.

You have nothing to be ashamed about. He’s not a good man. Hold your head high and raise your son to respect women and everyone. Best wishes.

Babies and children need stable parents and security. They can get this is two parent households, with two parents separated with a strong co-parenting relationship or with single parents and many other combinations of family life.

My sister left her husband when her daughter was 3 and every single day since her daughters life has been better. Her father is a much better dad than he ever was a husband and in a relationship he couldn't separate the two. Moving from an unhappy two parent households to a two household co-parenting situation gave her two happy parents. She's approaching adulthood and is a credit to her parents.

It must have been quite a shock and it's ok to take time to let it sink in. There's a lot to process but please hold your head up proud and get as much support from as many people as you can.

What an absolute swine. He should be ashamed.

It must be incredibly hard to go through pregnancy alone. However it's very clear that you are a caring and kind person, and will be a wonderful mother to your lovely baby. I wish you the best without the dead weight.

Shame is on him, not you! You are already making decisions on behalf of your son, having his interests at heart. That's what mothers should always do. You don't want a pathetic man child jeopardising your bond with your son.

Think hard before putting his name on the birth certificate. He probably won’t push for it

@angelinawasrobbedI have already thought about that, I don’t think I will. He needs to earn it not just expect his name on his birth certificate x

This exactly OP ..
I know it must be terrible right now , it will get better though .. He’s not a good man , a good man would never do what he did .. To throw you out & pack your things & you’re pregnant with his baby.. What kind of a person does something like that … Not the kind that any of us would care to know .. x x
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@Missj25Thank you, my original post weeks ago had also mentions I didn’t have a bed to sleep in for nearly 2 weeks after the kicked me out. He knew this as my mother is currently in the middle of moving house so everything is up in the air. Couldn’t have come at the worst time but he’s absolutely fine! I just wish karma comes back on him xx

Think about your future and move far far away from your ex. He is going to be back when his current fling fails and you are better off someplace new well away from it .

There is nothing to be ashamed of here apart from his disgusting behaviour. I expect he realised he couldn’t carry on with his childish behaviour once you were pregnant (as you were probably seeing his failings more clearly,) and now he’s moved on to abusing a new woman; be glad that it’s not you any more.

@IndicateyourintentionsI don’t know the full story of this other woman, she’s married and has two children but he still spoke to her behind my back at nearly 5 months pregnant. His family told him to do what makes him happy so guess that was dumping me at 6 months pregnant and being alone to play his games. It’s not fair that he seems fine whilst I struggle. I love my little boy already and I’m sure I will a lot more when he’s here but my ex cannot just expect to see him for 20mins and leave after without helping. I told him I don’t want him at the birth because I feel humiliated by him.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. For what it is worth, when I was 5 months pregnant I discovered my partner was lying to me and sending inappropriate (but not overtly sexual) messages to another woman. I tried to move past this and didn’t tell him that I knew. But of course his behaviour continued, and it turned out there were loads of other ways in which he wasn’t good enough for us.

He has made my life difficult for years and years now and I bitterly regret not ending it when I first found out he wasn’t the man I thought he was. When someone shows who they are believe them and all that… At least by myself would have had far more autonomy and been able to focus on myself and my child without him dragging us down.

I say this as someone who already had a child and had been happy as a single parent many years before I met him.

What I’m saying is - being a single parent is tough and the way he has treated you is despicable. But my experience is that if you can accept the new reality you will be better off than tied to an unhelpful (unkind) man.

Try to think of and welcome all the chances you will have to make special memories with your son, without having to fret about your ex, or compromise with him, or be worrying about what he is up to. Imagine the gift of not letting your son grow up thinking playing video games and shirking responsibility is ok and “normal” for a dad.

Try to reach out to friends and family in real life to build your support network. And be open to friendships later, even with (supposedly) happy couples. lots of people’s lives are not the way they appear from the outside. And just because someone isn’t in your shoes doesn’t mean they can’t empathise with you or be wonderful friends, but this is much harder online than it will be after you have an actual baby to take places and play with and talk about.

Show your son how strong and capable and loving women can be. You don’t need a partner to do that, and do a brilliant job of it.

good luck!

PS parenting is hard, even when there are two people etc. It will be hard. But it’s way harder with two ‘children’ to look after.

@samqueensOh wow, thank you for your lovely post x

Had your ex not kicked you out, you would have still been a single parent, he would have been playing his games whilst you would have been doing everything anyway. He wouldn’t have been interested in the baby neither, he is only interested in himself.

You’re so welcome.

My only advice re your ex is to prioritise yourself and your son - but that doesn’t have to mean cutting him out of your son’s life or sweating the small stuff as time goes on. When I had my first DC my then bf was useless as a partner and a dad. Even after he left when she was still very little he did all the usual stuff (never paid a penny, said he’d show up and then bailed or only stayed briefly to see her etc) I spent a lot of time facilitating their time together such as it was. But I set aside eg a day a weekend for him to come (or not come!), I didn’t bank on it and always said things like “daddy might pop by later” rather than “daddy will be here at ten” (cue massive problem when he wasn’t. I didn’t live my life by his schedule but I allowed space in my schedule for him to be in DC’s life.

This approach is not for everyone and a lot of people would say I shouldn’t have “let him get away with” x, y or z. That I shouldn’t have gone out of my way etc. but the truth is I didn’t do that for him - I did it for my child. Because he is the only dad she has and she deserved as decent a relationship with him as was possible. All I did was make a space for it and not get in the way with my own perspective.

Over the years things settled a lot. As she got older he showed up more consistently. When I was pissed off with him I ranted to friends. I thought before I called out issues for discussion, and often they went away without me needing to do anything. I didn’t badmouth him to/in front of my child etc.

Now she is a teen and they have a really strong relationship and we have co-parented very peacefully for many years. I am really glad I didn’t choose to turn everything into a fight when she was little. All three of us have gained by this approach - and she never needs to worry that her dad and I can’t be in the same places together when she has important events in her life (and she can’t play us off against each other either).

He was a shit boyfriend - but he did become a decent parent, within his own limitations, eventually. Your ex has behaved appallingly but you have a chance to work through that hurt while your child is too young to understand much, and meet them in a calmer place when they are a bit older.

This does not mean be a pushover and let him walk all over you. It means focus on yourself and your needs and boundaries and bed yourself down as you adjust to having a baby. But allow the possibility that your child’s father may and want and be able to be that for him (even if only in small doses at first!)

You are enough for your son, you will put your heart and soul into caring for him, you will be free to create a stable, loving home for him, without the distraction of a man child who is more interested in gaming and messaging other women. Your ex is not good enough for you or your baby, he’s a flake, as soon as life got too real, he started looking around to jump ship.
I know you feel shocked at your ex’s callous and cruel treatment of you, especially as you’re pregnant but he has done you a massive favour, his exit from the relationship is a blessing, although it doesn’t feel like it right now.
You are going to be a fantastic mum, a woman who is capable and strong and your son will grow up feeling very loved by you.

@SpryCatThank you, I really hope so. This man promised me marriage, a bigger house etc and I genuinely thought this was all going to happen. 4 and a half years together is quite a long time and our relationship was the longest for both is us but it’s like he was scared to commit and didn’t mention it. I guess you really can’t change a man child especially in his 30s. He just bailed instead

It must be awful but you haven’t actually lost the chance of a happy family, that literally never existed as a possibility with this man.
it’s not really about him being scared to commit, it’s about him being awful. Scared to commit doesn’t get you pregnant or refuses to get married or even breaks up. Scared to commit doesn’t ignore you when you’re struggling with morning sickness, doesn’t kick a heavily pregnant woman out with nowhere to sleep, doesnt pack up his sons things to remove from his home. These are all signs of an asshole.
I know he seems fine and that would kill me too, but would you swap places with him? I doubt it.

@FadestoI understand what you’re saying so thank you for making me feel somewhat better. The past 7 weeks he told me not to respond to his messages or he wasn’t going to reply anymore, I’m 8 months pregnant now. I could never take this man back even if I love him, his actions are disgusting. Currently I live at my mother’s house but I cannot move until the end of the year until my mortgage and house is ready. I’ve had to hire a storage unit to store mine and my son’s belongings because she has no room and it’s not fair to put that pressure on her. I didn’t have a car when he split up with me as I work from home and we agreed we would buy one together after our son arrives. So not only have I had to arrange a removal van, find a house to buy, move back to my mother’s house but I’ve also had to buy a car. Two weeks ago I got shingles due to the pressure and stress I’m under. I’ve also spoken to a mental health nurse to help me cope, he has made my pregnancy so unbelievably sad. There’s a lot more I could say but nothings going to change I just have to keep telling myself my son will have me and I am the one that needs to provide him with a stable environment. I just wish I had the marriage and the partner to help raise my son

He was promising you what he thought you wanted, he was never going to commit though, he was stringing you along. He checked out mentally once you became pregnant because he can’t handle it. He showed you who he really is, when he chucked you out, you are better off without him.

My husband walked out on me when I was 5 months pregnant with our second child.
Over night his personality seems to completely change, he doesn't resemble the man I loved once in any shape or form now.
I've felt all of your emotions OP. The best advice I ever had was to allow myself to grieve. Life isn't going to turn out howyou thought it was, but it doesn't mean that life isn't going to turn out.
Set yourself short term goals, think of tomorrow and next week, don't get lost in thinking about next year.
Also, you won't always feel how you do now, I surmise you that. At some point you're going to look back and be amazed at how you coped with this! You're going to be so proud of yourself and such a better and stronger version of yourself, I promise ❤️