Single parent since 6 months pregnant and I feel so ashamed

[Pregnantandlookingforadvice]

Hi All,

My little boy is due in August 2025 and my ex bf of 4.5 years dumped me at 26 weeks + 2 days pregnancy (exactly 7 weeks ago today). I’m upset that I cannot provide my son with a two parent household. All my ex said was he didn’t love me anymore since the end of February / beginning of March and he wasn’t happy anymore. He is 31 next month and I am currently 27 this baby was not planned but I did not see this coming at all. It’s since come to light he was talking to a female co worker on Snapchat in secret at the beginning of March how coincidental. I am ashamed and feel so guilty that I will be a single parent and have to deal with all the hard work whilst he’s off doing whatever he wants. He’s told me he wants to be a part of his son’s life and is happy to pay support but I do not trust him if he can disrespect me at such a vulnerable time. I will be going through CMS to raise once he’s born but my heart is broken. I do not regret my little boy but my ex has taken away the chance to be a happy family together. I cannot face to be around him but I all I want to do is cry my heart out. This man chucked me out of his house the same night with no notice at 9pm then started packing my stuff / our sons stuff up that same night. I’ve already posted about the breakup before but I know time heals but right now I’m angry, upset and so apologetic to my little boy. This is more of a rant than anything but I feel like I’m not good enough even though I have our relationship everything.

You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. He on the other hand.

You sound like you are completely realistic and focused about the road ahead. That will serve you well. Have you heard of Gingerbread, the charity that supports single parents? It might be worth reaching out. Wishing you al the best

@autumngirl714@RainbowqueeenThank you, I hope it gets better, so much better. I’ve tried gingerbread it wasn’t really for me. I’ve been writing things down and talking to my mother but some days are a lot worse than others. I just don’t understand how he could choose to have unprotected sex, say he was committed to me and then just bail. He makes himself feel better because his family told him to do ‘what makes him happy’ which was leaving me at 6 months pregnant.

This.

it will be really hard so concentrate on getting as much support in place as you can. It’s really tough dealing with the emotional fallout alongside the pregnancy. Speak to friends/family/health visitor for advice.

You don’t need marriage and a good partner to be a great mum, you’ve sorted out alot in seven weeks, you know you’re at your mum’s house till the end of the year. You need to concentrate on yourself right now, let yourself grieve for the future you thought you had and envision the future with your son, in your new home.

He had unprotected sex with you, said he was committed because he doesn’t care about consequences, he just runs from them. His family encourages him to do what makes him happy and he thinks the world revolves around him. He hooks you in with bullshit and once life gets serious, discards you.

He is the type that if he did marry someone, he would have multiple affairs because he would feel resentful, feel his wings were clipped and feel he deserved to have fun. He would feel duped into commitment and would make sure he punished her.

I have been where you are, although I left because of DV I still felt so much guilt and cried myself to sleep apologising to my unborn son that I hadn’t been able to give him a good father.

honestly though, some of that was hormones and once he was here guilt melted away as I got lost in the business of being a mom and the determination to do my best for him.

I won’t lie, when he first asked about his dad at age 3 and said he wanted one (or for his grandad to be his dad) I was a wreck and felt so much guilt again, but he is such a wonderful boy I think the guilt should be all on his father and not me.

the thing I found that helped was going to mother and baby groups. Honestly everyone was amazed I was doing it on my own and super lovely, rather than condescending and personally I felt very grateful to not have a second man-child like some of the mothers did.

You will get through this and your son will be loved by you and happy as a consequence no matter what his dad does/doesn’t contribute to his life.

I looked at gingerbread hut there wasn’t anything local to me and I wasn’t in the headspace to start a group. Honesty just go to local bump/baby groups and try to join in as if you have no shame. I went to NCT antenatal classes with my mom, went to pregnancy yoga and at them and the baby groups nobody ever directly asked why I was there on my own, people don’t because lots of women with partners go to those things alone. You won’t be the only single/lone parent and even if you are people will still welcome you because you’re as much a parent as they are.

Thank you all, I just hate the fact I will have to coparent with one who abandoned me and our son whilst pregnant. It’s going to be hard, it’s hard now but he’s going on with his life as if nothing has changed for him. Our relationship was not just a casual fling, I don’t know how he could do such a thing.

This takes me back and is so sad. This was 18 years ago for me. I felt guilt for years for bringing shame to my Mother, for getting entangled with someone so selfish it defied comprehension. I cried everyday caused bonding issues at first too. I did everything alone bought another house moved in whilst nine months pregnant. I went back to work too soon after the birth just a couple of weeks but I had a business. My ex despite not having contact for six months started stalking me in the month before the birth wanting on the birth certificate and for the child to be named after him. I refused and absolutely no regrets. He said he would be able to commit to 2 hours once a fortnight but at my house only as he refused to tell me his new address. I wasn’t being very nice to him so haven’t seen or heard from him in 18 years, good!

18 years on what worries me most is his Father coming back. My son says “he’s got nothing to offer him” which is true he is not the high flyer he tried to Lord it over me. I think “what if he googles him (he’s won lots of national competitions) and wants the kudos of having him in his life?” He will play the victim and blame me despite not so much as a birthday or Christmas card over the years. It’s a hard one with these types as I don’t think they know right from wrong or they do and they’re just awful men. I can’t say what helped, I was heartbroken and honestly the hurt their behaviour caused never goes away. One of his last messages was “You’ve got many got qualities but forgiveness isn’t one of them”. I told my Mother who was a retired Catholic school teacher who reminded me that forgiveness isn’t just a golden ticket for him to play out his narcissistic tendencies you have to repent and be truly sorry. This helped me as I realised it’s not my responsibility he has to act like a decent person, which to this day he
has not.

I love my son so much he is a wonderful man, kind, intelligent and an absolute gentleman unlike his Father.

Aww, I’m so sorry you went through something similar. I’m glad your son is a good man. Did you ever find anyone else along the way? I’m obviously not in any rush but the thought of being alone without another adult in the house frightens me and I want that company.

To be honest, life got in the way and I had no one to look after my son when he was younger to date. I had plenty of opportunities from men outwith but I had changed as a person. My trust had been broken and was incredibly wary of men, probably it was a good thing. There was no way I was bringing anymore embarrassment and chaos to my life. I think if you’re open you’ll meet someone. This is just my experience and many women left in pregnancy go onto have healthy relationships with kind men. I was just scared of meeting a man like my son’s Father again when I had a child to care for. I didn’t want to be vulnerable again.

I completely understand, that’s exactly how I feel. I opened up so much to my ex boyfriend and made myself so vulnerable that in the end it didn’t matter. I thought he was as a good genuine family man but I couldn’t have been more wrong. His actions reflect on his character as a person not on me so I need to keep reminding myself of that and push through. My only issue is he wants to see his son after he’s born even though he’s left me to do all the hard work by myself. I don’t ever want to see him again if he could humiliate me like this.

OP you sound lovely and very sensible and bright. Your little boy will have the best mummy 💓
you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about. You will be able to do this and you have already got your little family. You and your boy. X

Aww, thank you. I just wish I didn’t have to coparent with him let alone see him ever again x

I'd much rather be a single mum than be with this junk of junk! You and your baby deserve better. Do not be ashamed x

While not the same situation exactly, XH walked out a couple of weeks before I discovered I was pregnant. I thought my world was over.

DS is 7 now, a happy well adjusted boy. I’m remarried to a lovely DH with DD and another baby girl due any day now. I’ve started my dream career and ended up buying a gorgeous house. 8 years ago I thought my life was over, turns out it was just beginning. It can work out.

Thank you, it bothers me that he doesn’t care. He wants to see his son when he’s born but I will not let that happen straight away. When he packed up my stuff, he’s since been out shopping to replace the items that were mine - bathroom mirror, key holder etc like sweeping our nearly 5 year relationship under the carpet. I only know this as we had a health visitor appointment and I’m not currently in the area until move so had no choice but to arrange this at his house. I feel like this sad lonely pregnant woman who can’t move on because I’m in love with the man who broke my heart. God I’m so stupid, my emotions are all over the place

That’s lovely, So happy for you all (not the XH obviously) x

Today I’ve been questioning myself with ‘did he leave because of me?’ Maybe it’s the hormones or me just feeling sad for myself. This baby was not planned but he didn’t use anything to prevent. When we found out I did start to pressure him about marriage and a bigger house again 4 years into a relationship and no sign of a ring. He told me what I wanted to hear and I did ask him how he was feeling etc and he lied. I feel stupid that I got myself into this situation. I cannot understand how he can play with his nieces and then one day shout ‘great, now I’m stuck with a baby I didn’t want’ and drive off. He apologised when he came back because I was in bits but how could he do this? He wanted an abortion and I didn’t. He told me he’d stick by me with whatever decision I made and now I’m thinking is it my fault he ended things?

Soon you will have your little boy in your arms and be so utterly in love with him that this 'man' will hopefully not mean anything! Keep things on your terms, visits etc, and personally I wouldn't let him visit until I was home and feeling so to it, I.e. a week or so later. You will be adjusting to life with a baby and don't need him around!!

You are not stupid. He's stupid.

Thank you, I just cannot understand how someone can do this. He said he wants to be around for his son but he breaks up with me at 6 months pregnant with no car or bed etc and cannot even have a conversation about his feelings. Just a straight up no we’re over, pack a bag and leave tonight.

You were with him for four years, he had no intention of getting married. He wanted you to have an abortion, you didn’t so he told you what you wanted to hear. He then started planning how to split up from you.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he disappears from your life after he sees your son. He sees your pregnancy as a trap, he doesn’t want to be tied down. What he shouted after playing with his nieces and nephews, before driving off, was him telling you his true feelings.

OP you have no need to feel any shame at all - the shame is all on your ex partner.

You sound lovely and I'm sure you will be a great mother to your little boy. Honestly, you will do far better without this awful man in your life, and you and your son will thrive.

I do completely understand what you’re saying. Didn’t want children but still had unprotected sex and never once used anything… what did he expect! Last time I saw him he was asking for copies of the scan photos, info on next to me cribs, telling me he was getting a cot from one of his nieces like I would just hand my son over. I knew what he shouldn’t after playing with his nieces was true, he tried to say he was scared etc but I always knew it was how he felt. I’m trying not to think about him anymore, I’ve reached out to my mortgage advisor and she said I can update my address without affecting anything. The only thing I have left is the hospital / doctors as I moved back into my mums it’s out of the catchment area. I’m going they can give me a 3 month exception until I can move into my new house due to circumstances. I’ll speak to my midwife next week before doing anything as I have less than 5 weeks before my little boy arrives!