Anxious about men on the postnatal ward

[Unicorntearsofgin]

Does anyone have any experience of discharging themselves early from the postnatal ward if it isn’t single sex. I fully appreciate some women need their partners there but the idea is making me incredibly anxious. Do they offer a choose of bays where partners can stay and where they can’t? Any reassurance would be great!

Thank you so much! This is a great suggestion. My first was born during Covid so navigating this all feels quite overwhelming.

@Unicorntearsofgin my first was a covid baby too, it was a very surreal experience - was your first birth straight forwards? Second time round is usually faster and easier (my second was 45 mins from first niggle to baby!!) so there may not even be any need for you to go on the ward.

Reading your thread, I think it's worth you mentioning the trauma to your midwife. Not just postnatally, but there's lots of instances during birth when male doctors or men will come into the room, intervene etc - if you want to be in a women only space I think it probably applies outside of just the ward experience (where they'll be midwives monitoring everyone) and is worth bringing up so you can plan for

That is absolute nonsense. The men aren't giving birth. They are not patients. They are visitors.

This is exactly the problem. A curtain doesn’t give you privacy. You can’t stay behind it all the time and other families don’t stay behind theirs all the time. Midwives and other HCPs swish the curtain open and either leave it open or leave a big gap. I had other people’s kids opening the curtain and at one time creeping under it.

As for the men being preoccupied with their own wife and baby, I’m sure that’s true for the majority, but there are always the odd few who will stare, leer or try to catch a glimpse. Let’s not pretend that new dads are an exceptional subset of the male population who are never creeps. There have been plenty of reports on MN and elsewhere of men being awful to their wives PP, including sexual assault and sometimes on the ward. Those men aren’t going to respect other women either.

It would ge a bad idea to discharge yourself. Hospitals throw you out as quickly as possible, you don't really want to be going any earlier.

Men are there for their partners and new babies. You can keep your curtain closed or have your partner with you?

Otherwise, you should probably consider a home birth.

It's such a tricky situation. I know it makes some women uncomfortable but then for other women like me, having their DH's overnight was essential due to staffing issues.

Are you sure men are allowed to stay over? It isn't allowed in all hospitals.

If you are low risk, you could look at a home birth or a birth centre. I believe you get your own room in a birth centre if you want to stop overnight.

You could also ask the hospital about if they offer private rooms which can be paid for but I do believe this is only if they are available.

I agree that the best way to do it would be a bay where birth partners are allowed to stay over and a bay where it is women only.

Their newborn baby is a patient. They have just as much right to be there as the mother imo.

Its not making a fuss, its advocating for yourself which is good. Your midwife shouldn't require you to go into detail, honestly just saying your concerns should be enough. Its worth doing as you wont be the first woman who has been through similar with the same apprehensions.

Please discuss with your MW, you don't have to give lots of details, then they can advise.Who will you be with? They could advocate for you, if you plan on being alone also discuss with MW.

Yes - men are allowed overnight on children's wards too for this reason. The men are on postnatal wards to look after the newborn babies/advocate for them when their partners aren't well enough to.

I do agree though that having a women and baby only ward for women who aren't comfortable with this would probably be the best solution. Personally, my DH made sure my baby was safe when I was too unwell to, and she would have been harmed without him there because I passed out on the bed with her in my arms. So I see both sides.

I gave birth to our first baby in early January this year. I am severely physically disabled so needed my husband with me all of the time as it would have been hard for the midwives to provide all the extra support our baby and I needed. We were in hospital for over a week, despite both baby and I being well post birth, largely due to tedious and frustrating discharge issues and so, naturally, my husband had to stay with me all that time.
We had a private room with its own bathroom, spare bed for my husband and small seating area, a little like a mini apartment. The only time my husband ventured onto the rest of the ward was to sterilise bottles or fetch water or squash from the communal kitchen, which was separate from the rest of the ward so he never passed the cubicles. Generally, it was expected that ambulant patients on the ward would go and collect their own meals from the kitchen at the appointed times, but ours were brought to our room by healthcare assistants so my husband didn't have to join the queue for that. The staff on the ward were extremely kind and helpful, even though they must have been as frustrated as we were in taking up the bed for so long when it wasn't clinically necessary, but they never made us feel unwelcome. They also provided my husband with meals which I believe is not usually done for partners or visitors. I think this was because they recognised the need for him to be there permanently, which meant not being able to pop out for food.
I know this is a long post and may not allay your, completely understandable concerns, but I just wanted to share an experience of a woman who recently gave birth, had her husband with her constantly and had little to no contact with other women on the ward.
I agree with other posters that, if you feel able, you should discuss this with your midwife, possibly in writing if that is easier, as she can put it in your notes and the hospital should hopefully take it into account when planning your care. If you want a home birth and your midwife and consultant are happy for you to attempt it then, by all means, give it a go. However, please don't be put off accessing healthcare you and your baby may need. After all, you can plan for a home birth but still end up in hospital so it's still important to plan for that eventuality. Wishing you all the best for a comfortable, happy and healthy birth.

Good luck OP. There was no sleeping on the postnatal ward - it was all crying babies and women in a lot of pain. I had the curtains drawn all the time. I didn't actually notice anything else that was going on.

Thanks all for the advice. I’m trying to write it down for my badger notes without going into too much detail so this is really helpful advice. My partner doesn’t know the full extent of the history and I guess I have never wanted to go over it on bring things up as I can’t bear the idea of being seen as a victim. I probably need therapy to be honest but again have just never wanted to really discuss.

In terms of the PN ward I do remember it being a. It noisy with the babies but I did manage to sleep and feel safe. Sort of crazy I felt safer in the times of the pandemic.

My plan is ideally to birth alone as it was all pretty straightforward last time so hopefully will all be the same and I won’t even need to stay on the ward.

Again thank you all so much for the helpful advice. It’s made me feel much less like I’ll be judged.

I don't think you need to give lots of details. I just blurted it out in between apologising to the (male) obstetrician I would have kicked in the face if the (male) anaesthetist hadn't had such good reflexes for example. Everyone in the room got the jist and were really understanding. When I had my second, my consultant was obviously aware of my ptsd and basic history because by that point I was seeing an NHS psychiatrist and a psychologist but her focus was on what they could do to make the ante natal, birth and post natal period as easy as possible.
Maybe include things about possible triggers if you are aware of them as you're writing it down but they don't need to know everything.

Hope everything goes well for you OP.

I was admitted after a home birth and I was the patient. My baby wasn't and wasn't admitted as one, but obviously baby got to stay with me. I couldn't care for baby, so my DH was allowed to stay even though he wasn't actually allowed to by hospital policy. Because I was such a mess and my DH was staying, I was given a private room. They saw it as supporting the family unit and acknowledged they were having a staffing issue that week, so didn't have the capacity to help much, so were grateful for my DH being there. I guarantee my DH wasn't interested in any other woman on the ward, probably never saw any of them since we had the private room. He was there for his baby.

If you don't like fathers on the ward then you either need to discharge, have a home birth or, if you end up on the ward in spite of your wants and plans, deal with it as a temporary necessity.

Just to add - you could also get a male midwife or doctor during your labour. I really think you should discuss your feelings with your midwife and you may need to disclose your past trauma (you can give an edited version). I say that as a midwife as it sounds like labour itself could be very triggering for you (let alone the postnatal ward) and it would be useful for that information to be on your notes. Unfortunately however, maternity services are hugely underfunded and there really aren’t the facilities to give everyone the privacy and dignity they deserve. Good luck.

I think ask for a room.

all of this really depends on the hospital you have. Of course, it’s unfair to ban men from being there whether it’s because they are visiting their daughters or are the fathers, so I would ask.

I was discharged next day both times but was given my own room too - I think because they had space. It was NHS. I believe these days without complications they want you out fairly quickly anyway.

The only thing I’d say is that in my experience they give you what’s available. So make sure you speak to your midwife and run through any obstacles.

you want to give birth alone? Do you not want your DH to support and advocate for you?

Men weren't allowed to stay on the ward when I had my first so all went home at night. They were there in the day but most couples kept their curtains closed. I had an extended stay and when I was moved to a private room, my husband was allowed to stay then but he couldn't, for example, use the day room because that was meant for new mums who were vulnerable, needing privacy etc so he had to stay in my room. It was quite strictly enforced too. Suggest speaking to your midwife in advance as you might be worried about nothing.

I was given a private room just because I asked and the ward was quiet. I had no reason to ask for one apart from that I simply wanted one!
please don’t feel like you’re making a fuss - if You want a private room please do ask. Many hospitals you can ask to have a private room and pay for it, I think they’re referred to as amenity rooms

I've not had a serious bad experience with men. But I was admitted to the antenatal ward with number 2 because I made a fuss whilst they didnt believe I was far enough along. There was a man in the cubicle next to me with his partner, I was unable to keep quiet with contractions and the thought that he heard the midwife examine me and zoom me to the labour ward was excruciatingly embarrassing. And I feel angry that it happened. I'm so sorry OP.

Please speak to your midwife, I have a life long mental health condition and because of this I am under the care of a specific obstetrician who specialises in women that have conditions or situations that make you more vulnerable for mental illness in pregnancy and in the post partum period.
I have access to two midwives who specialise in maternal mental health. My care plan will include the necessity to have a private room if one is available as disturbed sleep puts me at risk of acute mental illness. I don't know if it's changed when prior to having my daughter in 2020 I was told that only in the private rooms could have partners overnight

Please do speak to your midwife, they can provide support beyond the time in the post natal ward just in case the pregnancy or other circumstances makes your PTSD worse in pregnancy and afterwards.

Good luck x

You could also look into alternative NHS hospitals -some are all private en-suite. My local maternity unit is. I would not have accepted strange men either (unless there was a locked door between us) and it’s a perfectly reasonable request that the hospital should expect and accommodate.

I also wrote my trauma history down – I said virtually nothing about the actual previous events, and focused almost entirely on how I thought it might affect me during birth, what my 'tells' are for 'dissociating' or 'starting to flashback', and what would help (and not help!) in that situation. For example, I said that I was unlikely to be able to speak during internal exams, but would use a thumbs up/down signal for if I was okay to continue or needed a break.

The midwives did go over some of it with me at various points, but everyone was kind and sensitive about it, no one ever asked for details (and they did things like adding a warning right at the top of my notes, which included having only female staff around me if possible).