Anxious about men on the postnatal ward

[Unicorntearsofgin]

Does anyone have any experience of discharging themselves early from the postnatal ward if it isn’t single sex. I fully appreciate some women need their partners there but the idea is making me incredibly anxious. Do they offer a choose of bays where partners can stay and where they can’t? Any reassurance would be great!

You can make all the plans you want and your baby or your body can change them all at the last minute.

You can do all the right things and still end up having a really tough time.

In my hospital no one could stay all night they had to leave at 8pm and come back at 8am. I had a c section and this applied to every post natal ward.

@Mrsttcno1 I agree that could happen - which is why I said that luck plays a part.

It absolutely isn't the only factor though.

It's so backwards that we have wards like this for postnatal women and it is very unfair on women who are on thier own to have so many unrelated men about. I'll never forget being the only mum on the ward without a baby (mine was in the neonatal unit).

I recently gave birth in an NHS hospital where every mum had thier own room that they stayed in from the moment they are admitted to when they went home. It was my absolute best experience so far, no flimsy curtain between me an a roomful of people while having intimate checks, no noisy dads, just total privacy! I had a little tea Station with kettle and my own bathroom.

Believe it or not this hospital was Grimsby DPOW, if you happen to be nearby I would reccomend. Investigate other hospitals, not just your nearest to see what facilities they have. Or have you considered a home birth?

Thanks all. Maybe a home birth would be better. I am sure all the dads are lovely but I have ptsd from a previous assault and my mental health couldn’t take being separated by a curtain from a man I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to talk to my midwife I just really didn’t want to bring up all the bad memories or have to rake over it all again.

@Unicorntearsofgin try UK Home Birth Support on FB its a wealth of information, a little on the crunchy side but genuinely supportive of all informed choices made by women around birth

I was given a private room for mental health reasons. So you can always ask.

They arent "random men" they are dads.

@Ihopeyouhavent they may be dads, but not all dads are nice men. There are literally countless stories of men being inappropriate on the postnatal ward. Everything from intentionally moving curtains, loud aggressive arguments with their newly postpartum partner, being rude and dismissive of staff, loudly watching things on their phone or having loud phone calls at all hours of the night.

Just because the father of your children might be a good man doesn't mean there aren't plenty of men out there that wouldn't create a hideous experience on the antenatal ward, for their partner and others.

I am fully in support of postnatal wards that send dads home. It protects women at their most vulnerable. The NHS leans on them to support mothers after delivery but if postnatal care was funded properly it wouldn't be an issue.

My hospital doesn’t allow men stay at night and I think it’s the right thing. I can understand completely why women would feel uncomfortable with it.
last baby I had I had to manage completely on my own because of Covid. In some ways it was nice. Peaceful and no men or crowds around. However, I’m looking forward to having my dh be able to help during the day now.
I would push for a single room. Explain your situation and I would hope that they will do their best to facilitate.

Thank you. I hate to be thought of as making a fuss but it’s good to know that’s an option.

I got a private room in a similar circumstances with dc2 so definitely worth discussing with your midwife.

Probably worth discussing it regardless actually. I found several aspects of labour unsuspectedly traumatic which caused me a lot of issues after dc1 was born. I didn't disclose until I had buzzers going off everywhere, a baby wedged in my pelvis and I was starting to see snakes. Once they knew, they were fantastic but I was already sinking. With dc2 because everything was already in my notes, it was so much easier.

It's ridiculous. Men shouldn't be there after say 10 pm.

Mention your trauma and they will hopefully allocate you a private room.

With all due respect OP. These aren't random men are they? They are in maternity with their loved one and new child. They have as much right to be there as you. If your trauma is so much that you are literally contemplating a home birth, what will you do if there's a complication, and the paramedics to your home are men?

But they are random men to the OP!

I think it depends hospital to hospital - the one I had DC in was very strict on kicking all visitors out, and it was staffed enough that midwives and HCAs were able to assist me all night with DC as I couldn’t move post section + complications. Also, very small hospital, each room only had three women in. I would’ve absolutely hated having random men in there all night.

Will your DH not be staying with you?

Possibly OP and I truly hope all goes straightforward and well for you but you may need to consider if you need to have an emergency c section and are on the ward for longer. Is this a fear of me ? Or another reason?

They're random men to everyone but their partners.

@SharpTiger But not all new dads are nice men wanting to calmly bond with their partner and child.

There are SO many stories of inappropriate postnatal ward behaviour by men and you don't know by looking who is nice and normal and who is going to intentionally try to move your curtain while you are trying to breastfeed or have a 3am slanging match with their partner.

Sure but 9/10 times they aren’t available and apologies for those who have experienced a loss or are very seriously ill. In some hospitals you can pay for a private room but only if they are available.

Please, please mention this to your midwife. With my first birth, I ended up needing an episiotomy and ventouse, which was carried out by a male consultant who came in with five male trainees (all of whom were very professional).
If you are wary of men then you must say, as during birth they will have to do what is right for you and baby and if there are only males available then that will be the only option.
On the ward I was on, fathers were allowed to stay overnight on the first night then visit from 8am until 10pm, so lots of ‘random men’, but with curtains drawn it was fine, however I don’t have your history, so again please speak to your midwife.

In an ideal world maybe but with current staffing levels I was glad DH could stay over after my elective section. I couldn't even pick up DD without help. We were in a special family bay though with other couples who'd had sections. So if I hadn't wanted to be around other men overnight I probably could have asked to be elsewhere.

It is well worth talking to your midwife and making a plan as you don't know how much postnatal care you might need.

Can I ask how you disclosed if this isn’t too personal?

I am finding it hard to even know how to initiate that conversation as I would just rather not talk about it.

@Unicorntearsofgin you can ask for your midwifes email so you can write it down, or put it in your badger notes so you don't have to speak it out loud if that helps you