Kissing babies - do you agree with me ?

[dais23]

Baby is due in a few days, and today I told my mother in law that I do not want her kissing the baby for the first few weeks due to his immune system, and she went off the rails!!

i don’t think I’m being unreasonable for the first few weeks, for reference when I was 3 weeks old my mum & dad had to deal with me having meningitis and sepsis - that must be horrendous for a parent to go through. I feel As if it’s my responsibility to make sure I reduce the risk of my baby catching anything life threatening.

according to her I’m being ‘unreasonable’ because he is part of her. She is not going to come see her first grandchild until she can kiss him 😬
I just can’t believe her main priority is for her to kiss the baby than to keep him safe!

does anyone else agree this is selfish? Or am I being unreasonable 🫠

Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Your baby, your rules. Tell MIL to fuck off.

”part of her” - good grief. Put a stop to that straight away.

I have no idea when MIL or anyone first kissed my babies. It wasn't anything I thought to take notice of or try to police.

It's somewhat antagonistic to make it such a stark demand.

Well i don't know why you needed to mention it being neurotic over a baby is not healthy but obviously on here people will tell you to never have contact with MIL and do some weird grey rock thing that seems popular these days

We just took normal precautions and didn't dictate to anyone

No your not being unreasonably .
I have close family that have had babies over the years and I've never felt the inclination ( nor expectation ) that it is ok to kiss them .

She is totally overeacting. There's no need to kiss the baby. I assume you won't mind her holding the baby etc.

I’ve never felt the inclination to kiss babies and I made it clear I didn’t want anyone kissing mine either. My baby, my rules and I knew various family members suffered from cold sores, I made them wash their hands too before holding any of my newborn children. If people didn’t like it they didn’t need to visit.

I totally agree. My 3 month old son was very poorly in February with Bronchiolitis. He was on oxygen and feeding tube. Whilst this wasn’t from kissing, it was awful seeing my baby as poorly as that.

No kissing on the mouth, obvs. No holding/close contact or kissing if the person is sick or has a cold sore. But a kiss on the cheek or the top of the head, from a healthy adult, is unlikely to do any harm. It is normal for grandparents to want to hug and kiss their grandchildren, FFS. They are not being weird, crossing a boundary of some kind, or trying to kill your child. They want to hug and kiss them because they love them and want to show it. I honestly think some of the kinds of rules I see mums on here imposing on family members are borderline cruel in some cases, and more about power and control than the baby's health.

If you make it massively stressful for people being around you/baby, they won't want to visit or help when you might need it. Consider this carefully before you make your family/in-laws walk on eggshells with endless rules.

I think you're unreasonable

I get it, for me it's what the coldsore virus can do to babies, devastating to say the least.
OP, you're not being unreasonable. Your baby, your rules.
I asked for the same and my own family respected it, although DM made several comments along the way like 'when am I ever going to get to kiss this baby?' Which I just laughed at and basically ignored.
DHs family just went ahead and kissed baby anyway despite being told😞 It was horrible to have my one request ignored. I'm so laid back about everything baby but this was the one and only thing I felt strongly about. I struggled to advocate for myself and I regret it so much now that I'm more experienced as a mother. I would advise you to stick to your guns and speak up, discuss why it's so important to you in case she really doesn't get it? She sounds so dramatic and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm a Midwife and unfortunately will never forget a wee baby who contracted the coldsore virus from being kissed just days after being born and sadly didn't make it.

Anyone telling you that you’re unreasonable on this thread has clearly never dealt with having a seriously poorly newborn . Stick to your guns and enjoy your peace if she’s deciding to throw a strop and not visit at all !

I know a few friends were all very clear with everyone that there was no kissing baby for some time until it had vaccinations and gave people wipes for their hands before holding baby. My own mum did the same with me as her brother almost died from someone kissing him with an invisible cold sore when a baby. I’ll be doing the same but fortunately I’m ok as DH’s brother didn’t even let family visit his baby until it was 2 months old!

Its entirely reasonable and no one needs to be kissing babies that aren’t their own until parents are comfortable. This weird communal ownership of a living being by family is weird as hell - it’s a person not a plaything. If MIL wants to wait till she can kiss him that’s good for you. So many family members visiting are often not particularly helpful in the early days causing more work for you than help. Enjoy your new born bubble for a bit longer.

Let’s be honest a lot of in-laws and extended family members aren’t visiting to help out or because they have any interest in the mum’s well being. They’re there for the baby and the mum is just a vessel. I’m sure some people have in-laws who will cook and clean so mum can rest but everyone I know show up and expect to be taken care and hosted, while they cuddle the baby.

Not unreasonable at all OP. I had a hard rule, no kissing the baby, for the first 6 months. There is literally no need to put your mouth on somebody else’s baby.

After reading the other responses, I feel very ignorant and apologise for my comment that you are unreasonable. I can understand why you might make this decision, and it should be respected.

Yes, appreciate there are some in-laws like this and the number of MN anecdotes about this might make it seem like it's the majority. I also felt protective especially with my first DC and worried about infection, etc. I didn't allow my FIL at the time to hold or kiss DS1 because at the time, he was a heavy smoker, but thankfully he'd given up by the time DS2 arrived.

I guess the pov I'm coming from here is that I had to try to balance the new mum anxieties with the fact that DC have an extended family who love them and want to be close to them, and not putting unnecessary barriers in the way of that, for their benefit. Children need affection and they need other adults who love and support them - and my in-laws despite their faults and occasional PITA moments do love their GC dearly. I come from a culture where extended family helping out is the norm, and to me, this idea I see on here that children are the sole possession of their parents and parents act as gatekeepers to their children even with their own families is slightly baffling. I find some of the attitudes on MN unnecessary punitive towards in-laws in particular, for example when new mums are cool with their own family holding and kissing but not their partner's. I wonder if that antagonises things further. But accept some in laws will be troublesome and they will need firm boundaries. And ultimately, if no kissing in the first few weeks is what the new mum asks for, then I do think relatives should respect that, even if they disagree.

Sorry, the above was in reply to @houwseevryweekend - for some reason the quote disappeared when I posted it.

She is right in that the baby is part of her. She is completely wrong and ignorant in thinking her kissing the baby poses no risk. Surely any loving grandmother would do whatever the mother wanted in order keep the baby safe. At the end of the day this is your child. What you say goes. New mothers do come up with some ridiculous rules with new babies, but this is not one of them.

YANBU, as there are babies who have had lifelong conditions (or worse) due to a kiss from a family member early on. YOUR baby, your rules. However, some people on Mumsnet these days may very well be the grandparent or MIL themselves, so you’ll likely get some mixed responses from the less understanding of that cohort… Anyone suggesting they would be upset because they “love” the baby, surely should be more upset at the thought of them becoming ill or worse if they love them so much? MIL suggesting she won’t come and see GC if she can’t kiss him is very odd behaviour in my book. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face! I would leave her with it. Has DH/DP spoken to her about this too? Based on what I’ve seen, some MILs seem to get more aggy when it comes from DIL instead of their DS/DD themselves.

I’ve never kissed any of my DGC on the mouth! When they were tiny I did, occasionally, kiss the top of their heads and they tend to kiss my cheek now they are older. Very, very occasionally I kiss their cheek.
Is this terrible now?

"according to her I’m being ‘unreasonable’ because he is part of her. She is not going to come see her first grandchild until she can kiss him 😬"

A part of her? Good grief! For that alone I'd be agreeing with her not coming.

I don't think I've ever kissed any baby except for my own. I far prefer to blow a raspberry into the palm of their hand and watch them giggle.

Just to add to this, I do think it's not particularly well known - I had no idea about the dangers of spreading illnesses from kissing and how poorly babies can get from them until a friends newborn was hospitalised.

But even before then I wouldn't have kissed a baby if the parents told me not to -you can still enjoy baby cuddles, holding their little hands etc just as much without kissing them, no idea why people make such a big deal about it.

Maybe share a few links with her OP so she understands it's not just you being paranoid but a real risk?
E.g. https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/over-half-of-uk-parents-unaware-of-risk-kissing-poses-to-newborns/

I don't get the current trend not to kiss babies, how can a kiss on the top of their head hurt them?

Unless she's prone to cold sores YABU. You might want to be nice to her, you'll find having a babysitter handy!

@dais23 , kissing baby apes (which is what we are) is an evolutionary behaviour which helps the newborn who doesn’t yet have a robust immune system to develop one. So your reason for not wanting people to kiss your baby is not supported by science. I would not let anyone with a cold sore kiss your child obviously. Your MIL is correct by the way that your child has inherited a good chunk of DNA from her and she will be dictated by instinct to kiss your baby to contribute to your child’s immune system. Your child, your rules but it would be unkind, unnecessary and not in your child’s best interests to deny those kisses.