Partner’s Overseas Family Staying a month Postpartum—Will I Cope?

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Sorry- long post but in desperate need of advice as I’m really struggling with how to handle this, and I don’t want to be selfish. Context: this is our first baby.

My partner has two sets of parents, both live a long way overseas, and he wants them to come and stay with us after the baby is born. One set plans to visit for about two weeks when baby is 4-6 weeks old, and then a few weeks later, the other set will stay for the same amount of time. They would be staying in our home, and despite regularly talking via messenger/facetimes etc. I’m not comfortable as I am with my own parents

I completely understand how important it is for them to meet their grandchild, and I know they don’t have the luxury of popping in for short visits like my own parents can. I feel awful because my parents live nearby and will be around to help, while his family will have to travel so far just to see the baby for a stint. I don’t want to take anything away from my partner, and I know how special this time is for him too.

But I also can’t shake this deep fear that having people staying with us for over a month in total within the first 3 months of babies life will be too much. I don’t know if I’ll be physically or emotionally ready to have house guests while I’m recovering, sleep-deprived, and just trying to adjust to being a mum. When we flew overseas to visit in my first trimester, I found it so overwhelming navigating early pregnancy symptoms and keeping up with everyone.

If it were just one set of parents visiting, with a bigger gap before the other set visit, I think I’d feel differently. But having them come so close together makes it feel relentless. Without sounding awful, I also get the sense that the second set wanting to visit so soon after the first is more about competition (with each other) rather than what works best for us, which adds another layer of stress...

I do want to be fair to my partner and his family, AIBU? How do I approach this conversation without sounding like I’m shutting his family out? Would it be better to suggest a later date?

How big is your house? Do you have space for guests? Will they go out and about for some of the time?

My partner has two sets of parents, both live a long way overseas, and he wants them to come and stay with us after the baby is born.
WHY?
Why does he want them to come and stay in your home, when you and him should be trying to establish a 1st family together?
Is he expecting them to lessen the need for him to nappy change or help out? Will HE be hosting them, cooking meals, making beds, washing, driving them around etc so you can rest and spend time with the baby?
Is it a cultural expectation?
Are you the same culture as them?
How far along are you? I wouldn't be agreeing to anything of the sort!

Could your parents host them? For all or part of their stays?

I think it is important that they get to spend time with their son as he becomes a father, and with you and the baby, to improve your connection and to share the joy of a new baby.

but can also see that it might feel overwhelming if you are not used to them.

if your parents could host (since you live near by) then they would have somewhere comfortable to return to after spending time with you each day.

it would also be a nice way for them to get to know each other better, and could help to build their shared relationship and connection to your children.

Everything should be about you at this point. It really should. Anything which even vaguely threatens your equilibrium is a no. You need to be calm and supported and made to feel like you are the top priority. Hell would freeze over before I had house guests post partum. If you wanted your own mum that would be different. Whatever you need to feel happy and secure in your nest should be catered to. In reality many men have zero idea what having a baby entails and why you might be in need of nurturing.

I also had this issue, I put my foot down and said they couldn't stay with us -- though we had a very small 2 bed flat, if you have a huge house it might not be so bad.

Its an averagely sized 4 bed detached, they would have their own room with en-suite, but it’s certainly not a large enough house where we wouldn’t get under each others feet.
The first set would definitely make their own plans during their time- but the second set wouldn’t.
I just want to know if maybe I’m worrying too much too, and if I’ll actually enjoy the visits. Being a FTM I have no idea how I will feel at 4 week postpartum (if I’ll need space or actually want visitors)

I actually think relatives who put their own selfish desires above the calm and happiness of a new mother, and particularly those who are happy to come between new parents to achieve this, are absolutely unforgivable. But I realise I may be a bit triggered here!

There was a thread on this subject famously called ‘lemon sized clots’ or something I think, a while back. Might be worth a read.

No it’s definitely not this- I know some partners are rubbish but he’s absolutely not in this category of men, he’s not work shy and is very caring and hands on. To be honest he always did 70% of the housework but has probably done 100% of it throughout my pregnancy. He’s a dream and I can’t fault him.
I think the want for them to visit so soon is more the emotional side of it, we really don’t see them in person often with them being so far overseas with it being such a special experience for him too which is why I’m so keen to approach it sensitively and know AMBU….

Could your parents host them? For all or part of their stays?

What?! Have they ever even met each other? Ridiculous suggestion.

Be careful. MIL insisted on coming before my due date even though I told them not to. I was almost three weeks late and they were hanging around like a bad smell.

MUCH better to wait until baby is here and you know; was it an on-time birth, an uncomplicated birth, is feeding going well, are you well, would you like the help, would you like the company, will DH take paternity, are you depressed or anxious, are you bored and restless, is baby easy, does baby sleep.

You could have a 10 week old or a 2 week old. You could still in on hospital. Babies aren't always to schedule.

My advice is to plan nothing and see how you feel.

Stick to your guns OP. My son was born at 36 weeks - a strapping lad now - but you need to preserve your peace at this time, you are not a revolving door hotel at this most vulnerable time in your life.

There's always Whatsapp with phone and video calls while you - all 3 of you - settle into this new reality.

Could they stay in a hotel ? You will want to be in a little bubble with your baby really You will be finding your way with baby’s sleep and feeding pattern and even if it all goes well you may not even be able to put baby down long enough to have a shower or make a cup of tea let alone host your in laws if they stand ‘off site ‘ they could visit you and make themselves useful without putting a burden on you

Sounds like hell on earth, it would be an absolute no from me!

They rent somewhere nearby or go to a hotel or B&B

I don't think having people stay in your home so soon after giving birth is wise. Yes obviously they want to meet the new grandchild but I think they need to stay somewhere else and only visit for short periods of time during the day. My main reason for this is that during those early weeks I think it should be the new Mum and Dad getting the vast majority of the cuddles and baby time. It's OK for visitors staying an hour or 2, but then they go and baby is back with Mum and Dad. But if guests are there it can be awkward as everyone still wants 'their turn'. It's even worse when Dads go back to work and there are guest staying over - Dads can have a hard time getting any time with their own newborn.

Let's be honest babies - of 4-8 weeks aren't exactly cabaret material - they not doing anything other than feed, sleep, cry and poo, and they won't be doing any of those on command. You don't know his parents very well and just as importantly they don't know you so things could be a little stilted.

You don't say whether they have arranged flights according to your due date or are waiting until the baby is born before booking, but even if the baby is 4 weeks, it's highly unlikely you'll be in any sort of routine. At 4 weeks I thought I'd done amazingly well if I'd managed a shower before lunchtime. The last thing you need to be worried about is hosting (oh how I hate that word) 2 couples who you barely know for 2 whole weeks, each. And does your DH plan to take time off work for each 2 week period ? If not - it's just you them and the baby, all looking at each other, wondering WTF to say when you want to cry as your nipples are sore, you haven't had a shower and someone is mithering about lunch.

So my strong advice (which of course you can throw into touch) is of course welcome your DH parents over but they stay somewhere else and have breakfast and lunch somewhere else and only half their dinners with you too.

I know, I know people will say they could be very helpful. But the best way for them to be helpful is to give you and your DH and your newborn space. Not to be sitting in your favourite seat on the sofa.

Remember guests are like fish, they go off after 3 days

Its not ideal, but if you don’t see a way around it set ground rules.

No visitors until the baby is 6 weeks old. If the baby comes late they change their flights or stay elsewhere. (4 weeks is too soon. 6 weeks it starts to feel normal)

Have a few weeks gap between sets of visitors.

Your bedroom is your sanctuary. When you are napping and feeding the baby they need to respect your space. You or baby in your room means stay away.

You won’t be cooking and cleaning up after them. DP wants them there, that’s his job. Be firm, or you will be making endless cups of tea. You won’t be doing their washing either.

Change to suit your needs, but make sure they know they aren’t in a hotel.

My mum came to stay with me when I had a three week old baby. She held the baby while I cooked and cleaned. Was not fun.

Have a plan B. If it’s not working, have somewhere to go and stay until they leave.

I don't think it will work

Four weeks post partum is all hands on deck, and unless your husband is around 100% of the time time to feed/entertain/pick up after them, I would say no

All your focus will be on baby

They should realise this too

It is a difficult one tbh.
I totally understand why you wouldn’t want people staying when you have just given birth, I personally would have hated this .
I think that you need to speak to your dh about your feelings .
He doesn’t have his family around and he may not understand why they are unable to stay for a few weeks when your parents will get to see the baby regularly .
He will tell you that you don’t have to entertain his family , that your house is big enough etc , but the truth is that the mere fact that people are in your home when you are tired and hormonal may not be easy.

Absolutely not. They can stay in airbnb nearby. You need family bonding time. You and your partner need to have a big talk about this

I personally think it would be ok but you would want some very very strong ground rules in place. My in laws are in country, but were around constantly. It was helpful. My MIL cooked endless nourishing meals and did all the dishes constantly. Seeing my new babies with their grandparents is a treasure.

I think many Anglo British people would find the idea utterly untenable and horrifying for cultural reasons even though it's extremely normal around the world. If that's how you feel- ultimately it is what it is, I guess you're going to have to find a different answer like reduce the visit, put them up in a hotel or something.

Sounds like your partner is great with the housework- will that be the case with his family around? His mum won't have expectation of you picking up after him?

I'd make sure you breastfeed in your bedroom- let them think it's for privacy or whatever but it means you can have space on a very regular basis all day long.

I'd also make very very clear to your partner that he is their host, you are just the new mum.

Good luck!

This happened to me - it did not end well. We were living in a country that my ILs weren't familiar with and so they never went out, relied on me and DH for entertainment. For a month. It was just hideous, there was a fall out and our relationship never recovered.

I think this is a completely personal preference, and also depend depends on your relationship with those family members. If you generally get on with them very well, and they are the helpful kind, then it may even work very well for you. Again, depends whether they would stay and be hands off, or take the baby whenever you need a nap, or a shower in peace.

Most paternity leave is two weeks, so you may find yourself alone and having the company, or help maybe be useful .

I can only share my own perspective and the newborn bubble burst really quickly for me with my first. It was a rollercoaster, I had no idea what I was doing at the time and if Covid wasn't an issue I would've probably wanted a bit more help.

Have you talked things through with your partner?

Asian? No Asian parent will stay in a hotel and it would be very expensive for them.
But two sets really too much!