Partner’s Overseas Family Staying a month Postpartum—Will I Cope?

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Sorry- long post but in desperate need of advice as I’m really struggling with how to handle this, and I don’t want to be selfish. Context: this is our first baby.

My partner has two sets of parents, both live a long way overseas, and he wants them to come and stay with us after the baby is born. One set plans to visit for about two weeks when baby is 4-6 weeks old, and then a few weeks later, the other set will stay for the same amount of time. They would be staying in our home, and despite regularly talking via messenger/facetimes etc. I’m not comfortable as I am with my own parents

I completely understand how important it is for them to meet their grandchild, and I know they don’t have the luxury of popping in for short visits like my own parents can. I feel awful because my parents live nearby and will be around to help, while his family will have to travel so far just to see the baby for a stint. I don’t want to take anything away from my partner, and I know how special this time is for him too.

But I also can’t shake this deep fear that having people staying with us for over a month in total within the first 3 months of babies life will be too much. I don’t know if I’ll be physically or emotionally ready to have house guests while I’m recovering, sleep-deprived, and just trying to adjust to being a mum. When we flew overseas to visit in my first trimester, I found it so overwhelming navigating early pregnancy symptoms and keeping up with everyone.

If it were just one set of parents visiting, with a bigger gap before the other set visit, I think I’d feel differently. But having them come so close together makes it feel relentless. Without sounding awful, I also get the sense that the second set wanting to visit so soon after the first is more about competition (with each other) rather than what works best for us, which adds another layer of stress...

I do want to be fair to my partner and his family, AIBU? How do I approach this conversation without sounding like I’m shutting his family out? Would it be better to suggest a later date?

My mum came and stayed for 3 months when I gave birth but this is normal in my culture. Indeed, a mum who didnt do this wd be seen as a callous bitch!😀

Are you planning to breast feed and if you are, how comfortable are you with not having much privacy to do that?

Your house is enormous by many people's standards, and it feels like it might work IF your husband is on parental leave during that time and you don't have to lift a finger to host them. That means HE makes sure the room is hoovered and has clean bedding and towels, switches over after they leave, plans food, shops and cooks - unless of course they are intending to do the cooking, which would be amazing (and is entirely possible).

Three adults making sure that you are fed and the baby is being held while you sleep and shower, keeping the house clean and supporting you sounds fantastic, to be honest. It's only likely to be a problem if your husband wafts off to work and your IL's ask you what time you're cooking lunch for them.

Nobody came near us when our first baby was born and to be honest, that was very sad for us. When one parent finally deigned to visit, they were really surprised that I had to go straight to bed immediately after cooking them dinner, instead of staying up to entertain them as they'd come all that way. 😡

My mum did everything and when my MIL visited she did everything. Also helped with breastfeeding, bathing, sleep etc etc. I can't really imagine doing it on my own but as I said, this is where cultures diverge.

I never quite understand why "family bonding time" has to exclude literal family though.

Take all the help you can get! Nothing the OP has suggested that her husband's parents are going to slob on the sofa and expect to be looked after by her.

It feels like there are loads of threads on Mumsnet saying "don't let anybody come NEAR you in the weeks after you give birth, and certainly not grandparents" rapidly followed by "I don't understand why my parents never want to see their grandchildren or help us out at all like their parents did when we were little".

Absolutely 100% no fucking way would I have been able to do this after my baby was born. I got irritated by people being sat in my house after an hour.

I was a traumatised mess when I came home from the hospital. My baby nearly died. Maternity wards are hell on earth (and that is an understatement), I was so desperate to get away from all those people that coming home to an empty house bar my partner and dog was a joy I can't describe.

No, this wouldn’t work for me at all. It’d make me miserable. You won’t want someone staying under your feet for that long while you’re settling in and enjoying your baby.

They need to sort alternative accommodation, whether that’s a hotel, an Airbnb, or whatever. You also need to make sure your partner has set realistic expectations about how much they’ll be seeing you, so they don’t expect to be around daily for a fortnight.

4 - 6 weeks was a lovely but tough time for us, breastfeeding was still really hurting, and we were still figuring out our routine. We’d just started going to newborn groups to meet other people with tiny babies… We needed flexibility and space.

It is a sensitive issue in a way. We're due our first baby in August and my MIL wanted to come from abroad and stay with us 2 weeks before the baby was born and for another 2-4 weeks after the baby was born. I said no. In my husband's culture, the grandmother does tend to stay with the mother after she's given birth, my MIL stayed with my SIL after she had given birth too, but I knew it was the very last thing I wanted and if I did want anyone there to help, it would be my OWN mother. My husband didn't outright say no to his mam, culturally he feels like he can't say no, but he made excuses and we decided we would fly over to see them in December, so then all my husband's family can see the baby and I'd have recovered from given birth and hopefully we would have gotten in a routine by then. I don't like guests as it is, to be honest, so I know when I've gone through something incredibly stressful and life changing, I do not want someone in my home while I'm trying to navigate through this huge change. I know December will be difficult too because the baby will still be very young and I'll still be learning a lot and stressed, but at least it's a bit further along and I won't be in my own home having to look after guests and a new baby. We've also agreed they can come next year, but stay in our home just for a day or 2 and we'd spend the rest of the week in different cities, so thankfully staying in hotels in separate rooms.

It is difficult because I do feel guilty that my family can come and see the baby whenever they want and my in laws can only see them a few times a year, but we've got to try to find compromises.

@Shynslk that seems like a good intercultural compromise!

I would ask them to consider an airbnb locally. So they can sleep, shower etc at their convenience.
They need to know they are not "guests" they will have to muck in.
Shopping food, cooking meals, washing & cleaning up & accept that you will not be offering cups of tea or polite convo.
You may spend hours in your bedroom/ asleep/feeding. This is a special time for you & you are guaranteeing nothing.
Having said that, It could be lovely someone bringing you tea, making you food, washing your towels, holding the baby while you have a shower, because it really is a full time job being a first time mother.
The second time around & even with a toddler under foot it's a breeze in comparison.

It really depends on your inlaws. I had mine over for 2 months when my second child was born. It was great, i didnt have to lift a finger. They got up with my older child in the morning and entertained him until i was up. They went to get groceries and cooked often for everyone, they did their own laundry etc. The only work i had was cleaning up after they left, but that wasnt much at all and they were a great help during their stay.
They are pretty awesome though and im also not afraid to ask them for help or even tell them exactly what i need from them 😄

Oh gosh...I was in a similar situation when my DC was tiny (although only one set of ILs to host, thankfully). For me, it was really hard...I found trying to establish breastfeeding in front of FIL very uncomfortable, I was self-conscious about them seeing my maternity towels in the bathroom bin (we only have one bathroom) and I remember feeling very upset when DS was screaming and I didn't seem able to comfort him, but he stopped crying for MIL!

MIL did try to help, but I was mortified to find her doing my laundry, and she also doesn't believe in vegetables but is big on penis portions! So I was ravenously hungry, horribly constipated (and scared to "push" in case it burst my stitches) and just generally felt very stressed and emotional for the three weeks of their visit.

They came to stay after the birth of my next child too, although that was marginally better because they did entertain DS while I was busy with the baby. But by and large, I much preferred having my own mum to stay - I naturally feel far more comfortable around my mum than my MIL, and if I wanted more veg or bigger portions, I could just say so!

Do they come from a confinement culture? If so then I understand and would encourage you to get them involved so they can help you. If not then tell your husband the visit can wait until your child is older.

This depends on the culture.

My in laws come from a confinement culture. Mil, from the moment she arrived from India, literally spent 6 months in the kitchen making me traditional Indian food or washing my bloody and pooey clothes without making any comments about it (like my own mum would have) which I appreciated. When our second was born she literally took over both the kitchen and care for our eldest.

My fil spent most of his time going to various Indian stores to get food for mil to cook for me & rocking baby to sleep or changing her when DH and I were knocked out. By our second he was too unwell to travel but would spend hours on Facetime talking to our eldest and 'keeping an eye' on her.

Two sets back to back is a bit much!

How you cope depends on how helpful they are and if they're self-sufficient.

On a positive note, a friend of mine had 4 children and each time her widowed MIL came from Iran to help and stayed for a few months. Another friend had her also widowed MIL twice come from Turkey.

These two MILs were the loveliest women - I met them a number of times over the years. They cooked, cleaned, helped with the children, etc. Just the type of MIL you'd want visiting post-partum!

IMO the only questions you need to ask yourself given you've said there is enough space.

1. are their expectations that they will be there to care for you and look after the housework, laundry, cooking etc? If there is any sniff of it creating extra work I would say no.
2. will you feel comfortable breastfeeding and /or pumping around them?

If it is 4 bedroomed house, can you give them 2 rooms so they have another room they can go to so not always downstairs during the day, to give you more time away from them. Maybe a tv in it so they can watch something in the evening, again giving you (and them) a break

If I was staying with someone for 2 weeks I would need a space I could retreat to.

Hell on Earth to me! I loved being in my home with my baby and no one around (except DH). Bliss.

Absolutely not. We live abroad and have 3 DC, so I’ve navigated this many times.

Our rule was always no family staying with us for the first 3 months. They would rent an airbnb nearby. Both for my parent and DH’s parents. DH didn’t quite understand my insistence on this at first, but once DC1 arrived, he got it and was fully supportive.

I will say, we paid for his DM’s Airbnb because it meant that she couldn’t afford the trip otherwise. Is that a possibility for you? That helped get DH onside without feeling like he was letting his family down. It was very expensive but worth it to keep the peace and everyone was happy.

They need to find other accommodation. I am laid back about stuff like this and had visitors from the moment I got back from the hospital, but the difference was none of them stayed overnight.

I would definitely insist they get a hotel or air bnb. If cost is an issue could you pay half the cost?

They can then visit plenty whilst they are here but you'll all have your own space.

I won’t like it.
I don’t think you should discuss it emotionally, more practically.
There is a big chance that you would expect them to go away when you are breastfeeding and changing; keep quiet when baby is sleeping; don’t go on walks with you because you’d want some quiet time; to be ok with you not cooking them meals and not wanting them to cook in your kitchen; not commenting on your parental choices, not interfering in your conversations with your husband about baby; to be ok with you not taking them / going with them to places because it’s not compatible with baby’s routine etc etc

Of course it won’t be all of these and at once but there is a good chance it might be.
I’ll give you an example. When DD was a baby my Dad really struggle with staying at our place as he used to watch TV until very late and very loudly and it was not possible because our place was very small. There was a really big and unpleasant argument.
If people are staying more then 2 days things like this do matter. If your DH is going to be at work it all will be on you. If he is going to be off work he will be busy with baby. So if his parents are the type who wants attention or like commenting it won’t end well.

When will he take time off? Leaving you with not your own parents all day for several weeks should be an absolute no but delaying paternity leave until they come seems not the right thing to do. Using lots of annual leave for guests could also leave you short later.

Big on penis proportions?

Make your bedroom your zone. Don’t worry about keeping your dh awake if you’re breastfeeding. If you have a separate bathroom then make this for you and your baby only not the guests. You’ll be living a 24hr lifestyle so you need a place to be awake at night. Be sure that your dh does all the shopping and cooking and clearing up. It might be that his family cooks but tell him that he’s in charge of cleaning up afterwards. He also prepares the guests beds and towels etc and changes the beds and towels regularly.