MoH due two weeks before wedding

[SnowL2021]

Hello!

I am the Maid of Honour (bit of context - was surprised to have been given the title as have known the friend for just a couple of years. Said yes and had every intention to give her a brilliant hen do and wedding morning).

Very early days, so anything could happen, but I tested positive last week. DH and I had decided to have a two-month break from trying for a child (to avoid the hen do/wedding) but, to cut a long story short, something delayed my usually-reliable ovulation for a week and our ‘safe’ zone wasn’t actually safe. If all goes to plan, I will be due two weeks (or less) before the wedding. And I’ll be around 36/37 weeks at the hen do, which is a couple of hours away.

I know the situation is far from great, and I feel like a horrendous friend (while also trying to feel happy about the test!). My friend is a ‘thunder has been stolen’ type of person. I’d say there’s a decent chance she’ll unfriend me after this. At the least, she’ll be furious (and, rightly, disappointed).

i guess I’m wondering whether anyone has had a similar experience (either as a MoH/a bridesmaid or as a bride)? And if so, did you attend the hen do/wedding? Did you overestimate what you’d be able to do with a newborn? And when (and how) did you tell the bride?! We haven’t told anyone about our previous pregnancies until 12 weeks but that seems unfair to her? Also, I can’t remember just how tough the newborn days were!

I have thrown myself into organising the hen do and have no intention to give up planning things for my friend (unless she wants to make someone else MoH - which would, of course, be fine and actually a relief!).

Thanks in advance! X

Anyone who would be anything other than happy for you is not your friend.

You need to give yourself a break and not be MoH or even a bridesmaid. That's way too much pressure so close to a due date. What if you're early? If your friend doesn't understand then, frankly, she's not worth it.

Congratulations.

I haven't done it myself, but my ex sister in law was 38.5 weeks when she was a bridesmaid for one of her best friends. She had a lovely friend who completely understood and just wanted her there in any capacity. They had a plan that she would be a bridesmaid if she could, so she paid for her own dress, and if she couldn't then her friend completely respected that life goes on outside of her wedding. It was July and stifling hot, so ex sis in law managed to do the ceremony, but went home after that as it was too much for her.

At my own wedding, we had a guest we invited who later told us, after RSVPing, that she would be 8 months pregnant at the wedding. In all honesty, we knew she suspected she wouldn't show up and would much rather she was more realistic from the start as we had a waiting list for guests. She told us four days before our wedding that she wasn't feeling up to it (no wonder!) but she'd insisted she would be when we checked in with her previously every few months.

I would think about which camp your friend will fall into and make a decision earlier rather than later. It may be easier for her (thinking about the stress of organising a wedding) to not have to worry about the what ifs from on if she's the kind that will stress about you either stealing her thunder or not being able to be there when the time comes and finding herself without a MOH.

First of all, congrats!

At the end of the day your life is your life and you have to do what's best for you, not anybody else!

Not sure how the part of you only knowing her a couple of years or being surprised at being asked to be her MOH is relevant to any of this.. You've said yes to being her MoH so lets work with that.

Give her as much notice as possible so that she can plan accordingly. She can either decide she needs someone else to step up in your place as MoH or plan things around you and your new born baby.

Not quite the same but a friend of mine was MoH at a wedding last year. At that point she was 8 months pregnant. Still planned and attended the hen do at 6 months pregnant in Mykonos.

On the actual wedding day there wasn't much she couldn't do as the job in itself does not require any heavy lifting etc. She was just sitting down/resting where she could! Everyone's pregnancy is different so you wont be able to tell how you will feel closer to the time etc so you'll really have to have a plan or help in place.

The best thing you can do however is give her as much notice as possible (when you feel ready to share the news!) 😊

Ds was 2 weeks late!

Congratulations OP! Gosh I'm sorry to say but she doesn't sound like the greatest friend. She should be nothing but happy for you. No thunder to be stolen as they are totally different scenarios!
I was in the same boat as you. Wedding was the day after my due date. Hen at 35 weeks. Both 2-2.5 hours from home.
Told her when I was ready to share the news which for me was 14 weeks as I had a miscarriage prior I wanted to wait a little while before telling.
I stated from the get go that I would happily step out of the role if she'd prefer the certainty having someone else. I reminded her that pregnancy is so unpredictable and anything could happen at any stage that would take me out of the equation, often with zero notice.
She couldn't have been happier for me. Said to stay in the role and either I'm there or I'm not, no biggy. Probably the most non fussed reaction I could have dreamed of😂

Look I think if you're upfront like that you've left the ball in her court and she can do what makes her happiest. Don't be offended if she demotes you😂

Every pregnancy is so different but I felt pretty good other than a sore back and hips and very tired. But life goes on so I went along happily and took myself off to bed when I got too tired. At the time I was delusional and hoping the baby would be there for the wedding so I could 'enjoy it more' than I would if still pregnant. HA! There's very little chance I would have attended had I been newly postnatal, only knew that in hindsight. Probably would have attended the ceremony as she's a very special friend to me but then would have been on my way. Also would have been freaked at the concept of that many people around my new baby, again only knew this in hindsight.

Sorry for rambling on but just wanted to share my experience.
Wishing you a lovely pregnancy😊

Thank you for all of your great responses! And yes, you’re right, Lulu89x, the fact I was surprised to be asked isn’t relevant.

I think I’d like to wait to tell her until I’ve had an early private scan at 8 weeks, as I feel what is the point of upsetting her if this ends in miscarriage (which is, perhaps, pessimistic of me). I don’t think I’d be worrying as much if I was going to be pregnant - rather than post-partum - at the wedding (I’m happy to commit to the hen do at 36/37 weeks, unless the baby actually comes!). It’s the fact I’ll have a days-old baby that concerns me (plus, the wedding is a two-hour drive away).

Urggghhh, feel so conflicted - want to be happy for myself/my family, but feel like the worst MoH ever!!

Gosh, my son was 8 days late and I don’t think I could have coped with any later!

Oh your friend sounds wonderful, what a lovely reaction! Yeah, attending with a brand new baby is what concerns me! Having to travel there, being sleep deprived, bleeding, having to feed constantly… the list goes on! So annoyed with myself for not taking more precautions this month (other than trusting my predicted ovulation date).. but at the same time, happy to be pregnant after a stream of negatives last year

How are you a horrendous friend?! Life happens! I think you were pretty noble planning a two month break I didn't even do that for my own sister's wedding(didn't concieve that month anyway).
Just tell her when you want to and be realistic. You might make it to the wedding, you might be in labour or still in hospital or too newly postpartum. There is no way you can manage being a bridesmaid. If she unfriends you then she wasn't your friend to begin with!

I would probably want to step back as M of H just in case I couldn't manage it. However, being there might still be fine. I went to a wedding as a guest on my due date and was absolutely fine! The baby was actually two weeks late...

Why are you taking this out on yourself? You haven't done anything wrong and if your "friend" really reacts the way you're expecting she's awful.

One of my bridesmaids (not MOH, si don't actually really know what distinguishes s bridesmaid from MOH or what the point is) conceived after I'd asked her. She was due about 2 weeks after the wedding. I was nothing but happy for her, why wouldn't I be? She offered to stand down, I side it was completely up to her, that if she was happy to carry on I was just as happy to have her. And if she had to drop out at the last minute because of early kabour or something then I'd miss her but that's all.

Don't let her guilt trip you.

Thank you, it’s helpful to see things from a (very reasonable) bride’s POV, too.

In my experience, MoH is a bridesmaid but with ALL the pressure of sorting the hen do on them. Though perhaps that is because the other bridesmaids have been pretty useless with communication, late payments etc (the other hens have been better than them!). So that prob also doesn’t help the guilt… as if I step down I’m not sure anyone would/could step up

Ah look this is what's meant to be so try not to feel negatively about it. Weddings are the most important thing in the world... for a few short hours and then they're forgotten about🤣 I'm not poking fun because I'm sure I felt the same about my own wedding but once it's done the big deal is over. Your precious little baby is forever🥰 Wait and see what your scans and dates say. Sometimes dates are way off so you might not be due 2 weeks before the wedding and might still be very much pregnant. It's doable pregnant I think, but would really question the suitability with a brand new baby.

17 days to be precise.
Having said that I was pretty sure my dates were wrong so by my calculations he was about 10.
Anyway OP, the point is I doubt you will be at this wedding and if you are it won't be as MOH

From the way you’ve described your friend and how she think she’ll react, I actually don’t think you need to worry at all about any of this because she doesn’t sound like a very good friend at all! She should be delighted for you.

I am pregnant and sue the day before my best friends wedding. She isn’t having bridesmaids and when I told her I was pregnant one of tne first things I said was “I’m so scared I won’t make your wedding, I’ll be so gutted!” and she laughed and told me not to be daft, irs one of those things. She of course said she will be so sad to not have me there, and will really miss me, but ultimately she is so so excited for me. And she asked me to go dress shopping with her so I can still be a part of her big day somehow, and see her in her dress, which was lovely. That’s how a true friend reacts. If yours does anything less than this; she’s not really your mate.

congratulations!

In your shoes; I would 12 week scan, tell bride then, step down as bridesmaid and come as a guest and be honest with her its too much with a tiny baby etc

Second baby…

I was MoH and then found out I was expecting.
i planned to hen do to a final detail but prepared it all to hand over to someone else if need be! It was the day I was 36 weeks. I ended up going!! It was great

the wedding was for the day I turned 37 weeks, I crossed my legs and hoped for the best. It was 2.5 hours from our house but dh didn’t drink and was on alert. I went to bed early.

i gave birth at 38+3 and would do it all over again! Best decisions

I think you need to do what you feel is best for you and your baby ultimately and if your friend doesn’t understand that then I’d be rethinking the friendship.

When I got married I had my oldest sister as one of my bridesmaids (she lives 4 hours away from me) she already had 2 children and no plans for more… ended up pregnant with a due date of just before my wedding! I was thrilled to be an auntie again and left it entirely up to her whether they even attended the wedding at all, never mind heavily pregnant or just given birth! My main concern was her welfare and the new baby.

My gorgeous little nephew was born 9 days before my wedding and my sister was an absolute trooper, still traveled with her family to the wedding, still threw on her bridesmaid dress and carried my tiny nephew down the aisle with her. Truly magical, I didn’t care that he stole the show, was just thrilled to have them there.

She did what she felt comfortable with and had no pressure from me.

hopefully your friend will be understanding of what works best for you <3

I was 2 months post partum at a friend's wedding where I was a bridesmaid. Looking back it was maddness I shoukd have stepped down I couldn't really do any of the bridesmaid's duties properly. Although I did make the party favours.

I think you need to step back from MOH / BM duties and the earlier the better to let someone else takeover. After your scan sounds fine. DD1 was born at 38w and needed NICU so I was still in hospital at 40w. With DD2, I had preeclampsia from 36w and was going to the hospital every 3rd day for monitoring with strict instructions to rest inbetween so definitely was not up for attending a hen do! You have no idea right now what type of pregnancy you will have and the last thing you will need is to upset the bride. So drop out gracefully now and say you'd love to still attend if you can but you don't want to let the bride down close to the time, so best she finds an alternative MOH / BM.

I agree that the best outcome is if you are still pregnant. I would not take a 2w old on a 2hr drive to a wedding and back and I probably wouldn't want such a tiny baby around so many other people, unless it was immediate family (I'd do it for my DB but probably noone else!) Nor would I want to actually have to get dressed in anything other than lounge wear! 😅

"what is the point of upsetting her if it ends in miscarriage?"
Just step back a moment. Read that again. This doesn't sound to me to be a good friendship if someone would be upset hy your pregnancy. Since when did being a bridesmaid/MoH entail doing all this organisation anyway?.
A good friend would be happy for you. Tell her after the 12 week scan and ditch the wedding

Babies are early too!

@SnowL2021 you'll either be heavily, heavily pregnant, which is not particularly comfortable and requires frequent trips to the loo; or you'll have just had a baby who you will need to look after (newborns really do prefer their mums); if the baby is here, you may also be recovering from a c section or other medical intervention; or you might go into labour at the wedding, am

All these situations will be easier to deal with at home.

I missed my brother's wedding for similar reasons.

I'd wait until 12-14 weeks and resign. Far better than not being able to do it at short notice.

I think it's a good idea to wait until you're 12 weeks to tell her. Real friends would be happy for you. Decline the role of MoH and also don't go to the wedding as I wouldn't want to drive 4 hours there and back just to attend a wedding with a newborn. I also wouldn't want to stay in a hotel with a newborn. It would be different if the wedding was very local and easy to get home.

@SnowL2021 if your friends response is anything other than the bride in this story, then just step back. Don't stress about it and if they are a dick then that says it all.

Also thinking about my own wedding, maybe let them know as early as you can and have the chat about it totally understand if you want to ask someone else but I would love to be involved and support you in anyway I can - i just don't know what that is at this time.