MoH due two weeks before wedding

[SnowL2021]

Hello!

I am the Maid of Honour (bit of context - was surprised to have been given the title as have known the friend for just a couple of years. Said yes and had every intention to give her a brilliant hen do and wedding morning).

Very early days, so anything could happen, but I tested positive last week. DH and I had decided to have a two-month break from trying for a child (to avoid the hen do/wedding) but, to cut a long story short, something delayed my usually-reliable ovulation for a week and our ‘safe’ zone wasn’t actually safe. If all goes to plan, I will be due two weeks (or less) before the wedding. And I’ll be around 36/37 weeks at the hen do, which is a couple of hours away.

I know the situation is far from great, and I feel like a horrendous friend (while also trying to feel happy about the test!). My friend is a ‘thunder has been stolen’ type of person. I’d say there’s a decent chance she’ll unfriend me after this. At the least, she’ll be furious (and, rightly, disappointed).

i guess I’m wondering whether anyone has had a similar experience (either as a MoH/a bridesmaid or as a bride)? And if so, did you attend the hen do/wedding? Did you overestimate what you’d be able to do with a newborn? And when (and how) did you tell the bride?! We haven’t told anyone about our previous pregnancies until 12 weeks but that seems unfair to her? Also, I can’t remember just how tough the newborn days were!

I have thrown myself into organising the hen do and have no intention to give up planning things for my friend (unless she wants to make someone else MoH - which would, of course, be fine and actually a relief!).

Thanks in advance! X

Pull out - you may not make it to 40 weeks. Then you’ll stress yourself out when you should be enjoying your baby!

your friend sounds not very nice

This happened for one of my bridesmaids - I was delighted for them and tried to facilitate her being involved as much as she wanted but making sure she didn’t feel any pressure. We are still really good friends so hopefully that worked!

I pulled out of being bridesmaid for my future SIL.
They got engaged when I was around 12 weeks and about to announce.
Baby was 3 weeks old at the wedding and stayed up later than I did!

This person isn’t your friend. See it as an opportunity to cut some deadwood from your life.
The fact you haven’t known her long and were surprised to be asked to be MoH tells you everything you need to know about this person. She has no closer friends or family to ask and likely for good reason.
Why stress yourself out about someone who doesn’t reciprocate happiness and positive wishes for your important milestones?
I have a friend who has suffered with infertility for years and if she had to pull out of my wedding/hen-do because she fell pregnant my only response to that would be “please let me help plan your baby shower”. That would be my response to any one of my friends who fell, least of all the ones who have spent years TTC and all the heartbreak that comes with it.

So actually I was once the bride in this scenario....and if I'm being honest my friendship never recovered. This wasn't a friend who had struggled to conceive or experienced loss. It was a planned for 4th child. She was the type who openly said "I only have to look at my husband and get pregnant". Yes I was very disappointed she didn't have the forethought to try and avoid a due date around the wedding. As it happened her due date was the day OF my wedding. Her children were due to be part of the wedding party too and she was one of only two adult bridesmaid so in one go I lost 90% of the wedding party. I can't help how I feel and yes I know weddings aren't all about the bride and groom

Wow.

Are you actually saying she should have postponed ttc for your wedding?

that's exactly what she's suggesting. Unbelievable.

Firstly congratulations! I know it's unfortunate timing but in your life, a baby is more important than someone else's wedding, and you are allowed to be pleased about that! I agree you need to assume you won't be at the wedding. (Both my babies were 8 days late). If she was a real friend, she would be sad but not go crazy over it. If she does, that's on her.

My sister was due to get married during COVID but had to push her wedding back. She got married 1.5 hours away when my SIL was 36 weeks pregnant. My SIL and DBro didn't come, as my SIL wasn't willing to be away from her planned hospital. (No particular risks, just general concern). It was upsetting (particularly to my mum) but they were allowed to make their own decisions without a big falling out. Weddings are a big deal but other people's lives go on too.

You wanted her to plan her family around your wedding?
Are you being absolutely completely serious?
Because I would like to very kindly suggest to you that this is a highly narcissistic idea, and if you examine other areas of your life you might find you have similar issues with other people. And you just might consider that these encounters are about you, not them. Just an idea.

I know. I genuinely wonder what happens to some women when they have these big weddings. No-one else's life seems to count! Extraordinary.

*My friend is a ‘thunder has been stolen’ type of person. I’d say there’s a decent chance she’ll unfriend me after this. At the least, she’ll be furious (and, rightly, disappointed).

if I step down I’m not sure anyone would/could step up*

The first post from @ThejoyofNC nailed it.

Your 'friend' doesn't seem like much of a friend. I've quoted the parts of your post that give some clues as to why she has ended up asking you rather than closer friend to do this for her.

In your shoes I'd thank heaven rejoicing that you have the perfect excuse to step down.

Congratulations

Now, the sooner you do that the better so I'd tell her now. Even if something does go wrong before twelve weeks, well, you wanted to give her as much notice as possible.

Hand over any prep to her saying she deserves a MOH who can focus fully on her wedding and save yourself a heap of stress and bother.

And have a think about whether you let other undeserving people take advantage of your kindness. It's great to be the sort of person with whom people don't fall out but think about whether you are using your energy and time on people deserve your attention.

If you know she wouldn't be happy for you, she isn't your friend.

Tell her you will have to step down from MOH duties because the baby could be born before the wedding so you wouldn't be able to attend. If you're still pregnant you can make it as a guest

Thanks for being honest and I do believe this is how my friend will feel, especially as this wouldn’t be our first child and, although we weren’t successful towards the back half of last year, we have been fortunate not to struggle with infertility.

I was supposed to be a bridesmaid three weeks after my due date.

I told bride I was pregnant and wouldn't be able to be bridesmaid. She said no no it would be fine.

Few months later I told her that I was stepping down. I didn't think it was fair to either of us. She understood.

As it happens Covid hit two weeks before I gave birth so her wedding was cancelled. I was right to step down as I had a difficult delivery needed a blood transfusion and was in high dependency for three days. There was NO Way I could have attend a wedding with a three week old. I was leaking milk and bleeding so heavily still by week three

Yeah, I have no doubt why she asked me tbh. And, you’re right, I probably should be thanking my lucky stars! Though I do feel awful about it. I’ll definitely heed your advice re being kind when it’s not deserved going forward!