MoH due two weeks before wedding

[SnowL2021]

Hello!

I am the Maid of Honour (bit of context - was surprised to have been given the title as have known the friend for just a couple of years. Said yes and had every intention to give her a brilliant hen do and wedding morning).

Very early days, so anything could happen, but I tested positive last week. DH and I had decided to have a two-month break from trying for a child (to avoid the hen do/wedding) but, to cut a long story short, something delayed my usually-reliable ovulation for a week and our ‘safe’ zone wasn’t actually safe. If all goes to plan, I will be due two weeks (or less) before the wedding. And I’ll be around 36/37 weeks at the hen do, which is a couple of hours away.

I know the situation is far from great, and I feel like a horrendous friend (while also trying to feel happy about the test!). My friend is a ‘thunder has been stolen’ type of person. I’d say there’s a decent chance she’ll unfriend me after this. At the least, she’ll be furious (and, rightly, disappointed).

i guess I’m wondering whether anyone has had a similar experience (either as a MoH/a bridesmaid or as a bride)? And if so, did you attend the hen do/wedding? Did you overestimate what you’d be able to do with a newborn? And when (and how) did you tell the bride?! We haven’t told anyone about our previous pregnancies until 12 weeks but that seems unfair to her? Also, I can’t remember just how tough the newborn days were!

I have thrown myself into organising the hen do and have no intention to give up planning things for my friend (unless she wants to make someone else MoH - which would, of course, be fine and actually a relief!).

Thanks in advance! X

OP, kindly, you sound a bit mad. That you took a two-month hiatus from ttc because of being MOH to someone you’ve only known a couple of years (and who, frankly, sounds the reverse of nice) is crazy in itself, but the fact that you’re now spoiling your own pleasure at a wanted pregnancy by anticipating she will be enraged is even crazier, especially as all this stress appears to be about the wedding day of someone you think is going to be ‘furious’ and end your friendship when you tell her you’re pregnant? I mean, do you even like this woman? Is it significant she asked someone she didn’t know very long to be her MOH — doesn’t she have any longer-term friends?

This made me laugh, and also made me realise I probably am being a bit mad. If I’m being completely honest, I shouldn’t have said yes to MoH in the first place but I couldn’t decline in person, I did appreciate being asked to fulfil such a big role, and I genuinely would have put my all into it (eg helped out loads at the wedding while husband looked after our other kids) if this pregnancy hadn’t happened. I guess I can still continue to plan the hen do, buy her things to open on wedding day morning etc even if I’m not physically present!

Without going into dates too much, I definitely won’t be heavily pregnant. Absolute latest I could give birth would be a couple of days before the wedding (I think)

You’re right, thank you x

Don't buy her things to open on her wedding day morning. That's completely unnecessary.
Your circumstances have changed, just send apologies now and don't go to the wedding.

I agree with @HamSpray, OP. It sounds as if you're tying yourself into knots for the sake of someone you genuinely think is going to be furious and unfriend you when you tell her you're pregnant! Do yourself a favour, tell the loon bride whenever suits you, and propose whatever you think works best for you, whether that's dropping out altogether, or maintaining your status until after the hen weekend, then 'retiring'. And if she says anything other than 'Congratulations!', then you will know exactly where you stand, and can rule yourself out on the spot.

(I had a CS and couldn't have attended a wedding shortly afterwards, however good a friend was getting married: infected scar, DS not breastfeeding, feeling like a car drove through my pelvis.)

Tell her as early as you feel comfortable but don't delay. Personally I'd say that you'll continue to help with any planning you can, but you won't be able to make the wedding.

A few days post partum is no time to travel to a wedding. At best, you'll be exhausted, still be bleeding, possibly establishing breast feeding, and probably still having HV/midwife visits. At worst, you'll have complications, ie a section or anything that means you have recovery.

I guess I can still continue to plan the hen do, buy her things to open on wedding day morning etc even if I’m not physically present!
What things? I bought my bridesmaids a necklace each as my present to them. It's not meant to be the other way round.

I think you need to drop out.
Baby could be early. If she unfriends you , she's not your friend.
Congratulations 🥳

I went to my brothers wedding when DD2 was 2.5 weeks old. It involved 3 hour train journey and stay in hotel but there was no way I was missing it. It was fine but I don't think I'd have managed I'd had a pivotal role. I dipped in and out to feed a left early.

I think I'd tell her you want to be involved with arranging hen do etc but maybe someone else should be MOH

My friend is a ‘thunder has been stolen’ type of person. I’d say there’s a decent chance she’ll unfriend me after this. At the least, she’ll be furious

I think you should tell here ASAP because

1. if she behaves as above then better sooner rather than later so you can be well shot of her and
2. if she needs to find someone else then more notice is better. "Bad" news, delayed, is just rude to the recipient.

Disappointed is one thing. Furious is quite another.

I'd just tell her on the quiet and say that due to this, she'll need to choose a new MOh.

So she chose you because she had probably fallen out with her previous friends over the years because they had dared steal her thunder? I would tell her at 12 week scan and be done with it. The fact that you think she will be furious says it all.

I think the issue here is that the OP thinks the friend getting married is going to be 'furious' and unfriend her once she tells her! So it's possible that the obvious 'attend the wedding but with no duties beyond those of the ordinary guest' option is just not going to be on the table at all. Which in turn makes one wonder about what the relationship between the OP and the bride actually is, if it's contingent on her being MOH.

My daughter was 2 weeks late so I wouldn't have even been attending never mind MoH in this situation!
Honestly I'd probably have a conversation with her that you were so honoured to be asked to be MoH and you're still happy to plan the hen do etc but that you don't feel you can commit to the responsibilities on the day with a new born - will you even be able to bring your baby? Because I physically couldn't go to a childfree wedding that early pp but I breastfed, I imagine its easier with a bottle fed baby.
If your friend is furious over this then she's honestly not a great friend, ttc is hard and life goes on even when someone has a big event planned. It's mad to me that you intended to not conceive to avoid her wedding dates.

This is exactly what I'd do. Step down from anything official, but still try to go as a guest if you can. If she is anything other than understanding and delighted for you, she is not a true friend

It's not a huge responsibility. It's supposed to be fun. You won't be up for much with a tiny newborn so I would pull out now.

If she's not happy she's not your mate.

Anyone at all; bride, Oscar winner, VIP, elderly pompous relative, tantrumming toddler, whatevs, who thinks that you being pregnant is stealing any kind of thunder from their massively significant and universally entertaining life, is bonkers and should be treated as such.
The only appropriate reaction from her is 'Congratulations! What absolutely wonderful news!'
And from me, too; Congratulations @SnowL2021 and stop worrying about Batshit Bridezilla! 💐

Hit the nail on the head here regarding fallouts… I think I’m the only person she has yet to fall out with (I’m not a fall out sort of person - except for with my DH! 🤣)

Thanks everyone, you’ve made me feel much less guilty and have also made me realise that attending the wedding at all will be very difficult, if not impossible x

Congratulations!

You have already given birth so you know that you will definitely not feel like going to an event by yourself a few days after that, it won’t be the right thing to do for your baby or yourself. Bite the bullet now and prioritize baby and your health. The bride can ask someone else and might even feel more comfortable and relaxed than with someone who’s presence would be at risk.

🤣 I’ve never really understood the thunder being stolen thing! But I hate being centre of attention, so perhaps that’s why!

I had a pregnant BM, and have been a pregnant BM; we were nothing short of delighted for each other. Neither of us were heavily pregnant though, but had we been, it would have been totally ok for us to drop out - because that's how a true friend reacts.

I could have written this post a few years ago. We had been trying for a number of years and had had 2 miscarriages.
I told my friend early on to give her plenty of notice and she walked away from me crying.
I emphasised that it was very early and we had been here before but ultimately had not been successful.
She said we didn't sound very happy about it. We were actually trying not get our hopes up again.
Going forwards she threw everything I couldn't do for her back in my face to the point of sending me a vile message uninviting me to the wedding.
It was unnecessary stress and we're not friends now.

Sorry you had to endure all of that, on top of the worry/stress about the pregnancy itself. What a horrible reaction x

That's absolutely awful! I'm glad you're no longer friends. That's not only completely self absorbed, but worse, this is about you being able to have a baby.
Terrible behaviour.