Solo Mom or abortion

[hoopmatrix]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I've accidentally got pregnant aged 39, and don't have other children. I'm 6 weeks pregnant. The father was a new boyfriend and has gone MIA since finding out and just ignores my communications now. I know he wants an abortion. I always wanted a child, but in a loving supportive relationship. I have diagnosed ADHD and am prone to depression. I am concerned I won't cope if I keep the child, as I have a small network and part time job. He won't be in the picture. I'm concerned though that this is my last shot and maybe I'll never get over abortion. If anyone can give their honest thoughts, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks so much x

It's a hard one it really is, babies are really hard and you would benefit from having help, however there are plenty of people that do it alone and are stronger for it. If it was me and I really wanted a child, I would go ahead and do it, but nobody can make that decision for you, if you have an abortion you may later come to regret it

Only you can decide, but at 39 I'd probably go for it.

A friend of mine got pregnant by mistake at 40 and kept it because she'd always wanted a child and reckoned this could her last chance - she stayed with the father but they broke up after a year or two, and she has been a very happy single mother ever since. Her son is 14 now and while she had a few "Christ what have I done???" pangs at the start (not least being stuck in a foreign country with her baby and slightly unwanted alcoholic partner), she is definitely happy with her choice.

It’s a really personal decision and not one anybody can make for you.

My baby is 9 months old now so I have recently gone through pregnancy/postpartum/new baby life and based on that I would say that I know I’d have really struggled especially in the postpartum days without my husband. I really relied on him not only for physical support with things like feeding, showering, and getting some sleep but also mentally, having him there with me to lean on was really a life line, I’m not sure how I would have gotten through some of those days if I had been on my own. I know there are mum’s who do it alone and hats off to them but I know personally I would have really struggled with that. Do you have close friends or family who can support you?

The other thing to consider is the practicalities and finances, depending on what maternity pay you are entitled to it can be hard to make the money stretch, even doing it cheaply and shopping second hand it is expensive to get all the things you need, without our savings & my husband’s income I would have had to go back to work sooner to keep a roof over our heads but even then you’d be into paying extortionate childcare fees to work which can then take up most of your income anyway. But then, other women do it on less and make it work, that just wouldn’t be my choice.

As someone with ADHD and depression, I'd say go for it! I had my second in my late 30s and she's wonderful.

Sure, there are some things that are hard (like getting up from the floor after playing with her 😂), but actually the depression is well managed.

My daughter does have Downs Syndrome, but still I never regret having her.

Only you know what's right for you, but from my experience, I have zero regrets.

Thanks so much everyone for replying so quickly.

I do have some savings (not huge, maybe 8k), and would be entitled to the standard maternity allowance. My parents are very elderly now and I wouldn't be able to put them in the picture. My sisters with children would not be able to help, as one lives in another city and the other is a headteacher with her own children and very busy. I only have a few close friends whom I'm not sure I could ask or rely on. The father is ignoring me now after being friends for 22yrs.

I'm so scared to go it alone. Before this, although I have been very sad about not having a child, I have filled my life with exciting travels and freedom. It's hard to know if having a baby will make me feel trapped, or if the love I feel for my baby will make it all worth it and I won't care.

I also heard it's very lonely and hard to have new relationships. I always wanted to find a man and get married but it didn't or hasn't happened for me.

Deep inside I feel I should terminate, but every time I talk about it or think about, I am uncontrollably crying. Feel so lost and alone and very irresponsible.

Thank you so much for your lovely reply.

Did you do all this on your own from the start? Do you have a strong support system and good job? I am a primary music teacher and only on 27k per year. I know the father won't help and is bankrupt.

Thank you so much for your lovely reply.

Did you do all this on your own from the start? Do you have a strong support system and good job? I am a primary music teacher and only on 27k per year. I know the father won't help and is bankrupt.

Think about it clearly. So often we focus on the baby stage when actually it's a lifelong commitment and your whole life will change - childcare costs and having to ensure you always have childcare, if you need to work late what will you do? Restricted social life, impact on relationships, the constant cost especially as they get older. Your life until they are grown will be committed to them. The baby stage is so hard but as they get older there are new demands - getting them ready for school, lunch, homework, nagging at them to do their chores, ensuring they are washed, endless snack requests, childcare again until they are old enough to leave them alone, the costs of trips and clothes that they constantly grow out of. That being said, this may be your last chance to have a child. They are a blessing and I love my DS but I was in my early 20's and when I had him and tbh didn't even consider the impact it would have on my life long term. I wouldn't change having him although would prob change his father if I could! Plenty of relationships end up failing. The father may decide later down the line he wants to be involved and there are plenty of single mums.

Thanks so much for your reply. I definitely have thought about all those things you say, which is why I'm leaning towards abortion. I don't know how I will do all of those things without the support of a partner and I am worried I will be an unhappy mess, resenting my child.

But as you say, this is likely my only and last chance. That's the only single reason I'm considering having it, and I'm not sure that really is a good enough reason.

My biggest worry for you OP is that it doesn’t sound as though you have anybody who can support you both physically and mentally, particularly in the early days/weeks/months, especially coupled with history of depression which increases your risk of developing postpartum depression. But even once you get through the newborn trenches as PP says it’s lifelong, nursery, doctors appointments, pick ups & drop offs, always something to buy, and if you don’t have the support of family or a partner you won’t have the chance to go to the gym, to get your hair done, to go for a coffee or few drinks etc and I can imagine that would be really difficult.

There’s also the things that (especially if you have a difficult birth) you need support with postpartum like help showering, cooking, if you have a c section then even help with shopping, feeding & lifting baby, I had to take medication after birth for awhile and that made me feel really unwell, sick/faint, it was manageable because I had my husband to look after me & baby but I don’t know how I’d have coped with that if I’d been totally on my own. Is there a friend or family member you are close to who could take the time to come stay with you for a little while, or a way you could rota to come everyday? One of my best friends became single while pregnant so was a single mum when she had her baby, she spoke to us all about her worries beforehand and we got a rota set up so we took it in turns to stay over, go for the day, cook meals etc, so she was never truly on her own, is that kind of thing possible for you, if you spread it across a few friends?

I am quite a practical person, so if I was you I’d try to suss out what support I have, what support I could afford to pay for if I don’t have it in friends/family, and then see how that looks.

There are lots of single mums and they are superheros in my eyes, but just based on my own experience it’s not something I would choose for myself.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me..I think what you say confirms all of my concerns. My reality is that I let a lot of friendships go over the years, as women married and had kids. I was the eternal single/childless one and so I moved abroad. I came back in the pandemic, but since then I haven't managed to create a strong group or network of friends. I don't really feel I have anyone I could ask to really step up and help in a practical way for me.

I know deep down it isn't fair to keep the baby. I'm just so disappointed in myself for my irresponsibility and I'm very scared about going through the abortion. I'm sure it's the right thing, as when you all write about the reality of what my future would be like, it fills me with dread. I don't feel any excitement about having this baby alone. I just feel guilt and fear.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply and for your suggestions.

Isn't fair to who?

Just to give you another perspective, I'm an older mum on her own and I earn less than you...I love being a mum, it's the best thing I've ever done. Yes there have been times when it has been tough, but they are more than outweighed by the happiness I feel and the joy my child brings.

I had my daughter as a solo teen mum. It’s been incredible.

When I didn’t know what to do with unplanned pregnancy I got some free counselling to help make a decision. A nice woman from this charity helped me talk through all the pros and cons I felt about abortion and also about keeping the baby. She was very inpartial / unbiased

choicescharity.org

My children massively expanded my social life. You meet other parents at baby groups, play areas, school and nursery and choirs and sports clubs. You swap babysitting and lifts to places, and 'just come in for a coffee', and before you know it, you have the lowdown on everything going on in your local area. I wouldn't necessarily worry about that part of it.

Something in me is delighted that you are a music teacher. That's a gift you have to offer a child.Practically speaking, could you take pupils outside school to top up your salary or to be more flexible?

That's so helpful. Thank you so much for your suggestion

You say your parents are elderly, how elderly are we talking, because help and support comes in different shapes and sizes. For example could they come to your home stay for an hour holding the baby so you can get a shower/make some dinner? That sort of help in the early days I found really useful.

I think anyone could talk themselves out of having a baby if they really wanted to - it's never the right time, should focus on career, not enough money etc so I think you need to reframe your thinking - you absolutely can do this if you want to. That's what you need to be honest about and ask yourself

I hadn't really thought about that social element. Thank you for that.

I teach music to aged 2-9, so I did always feel a child would like that about me. The children at work seem to like me a lot, but it's such a high energy job that I love coming home to silence and I'm worried I wouldn't cope alone every night coming back and needed to keep that energy up.

I could indeed take private piano pupils. Just wouldn't know how to manage the baby at the same time as I wouldn't have anyone there to help whilst I teach. Then if I pay for childcare while I teach piano, I may as well not do it - if that makes sense?

I think the main question is: can you commit to loving your child, being there for them, not resenting them for the hardships that life may throw your way? Mine might be an unpopular view, but no child has asked to be born and I feel that it’s fair to be born to a parent who truly wants them. This applies to everyone, not specifically to your situation. In fact, I think you’re already a wonderful person for thinking about it deeply. Whatever you choose, good luck X

That's great that it worked out for you but may i ask how it was incredible? It sounds very full on and stressful from the outside!

Thank you for saying those things. My hormones are all over the place and have burst out in tears to your message!

My daughter's brass teacher just carried on with private lessons after the baby. She said he slept better to the familiar sound of tooting from the front room!

I know there are no guarantees, though, and you are wise to think it through.

My parents are 79 and 81. I don't have a relationship with my dad, but I do with my Mum although she is not of good health.

I think what you say is completely right and others have said I need to focus on how much I really want it.

Part of it is that I feel I don't want the father in my life forever. He has 3 other children by 2 different moms, he is bankrupt, an avoidant and very unreliable..I know he would want to dip in and out of mine and the child's life as he pleases and I don't know how to control that type of instability.

Has to be entirely your choice but I am a single mum who had my daughters at your age. They really were the making of me. Children are such incredibly hard work but are so rewarding too.

It's your choice and only you know if you can manage. Most people do though.

Putting the cost aside, do you think you have the capacity to care for a baby 24 hours a day? None of us know you so I can't really have an opinion. For many women, having a child actually helps them, I've never had so many friends as when I had little ones, but it's hard on your own (my ex travelled a lot, but he was home half the time!) I'm not sure I would have coped solo but we women are very resourceful!!!

As a musician you do have the capacity to earn a decent amount per hour and there's help with childcare costs from 9months plus universal credit can help with costs too if you are low income. Finally if you go ahead but then really cannot cope there is always the option to seek to have your dc adopted, quite extreme to consider i admit but it is a third option to keep cold vs abortion. Get professional counselling from an org than genuinely is right to choose