Solo Mom or abortion

[hoopmatrix]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I've accidentally got pregnant aged 39, and don't have other children. I'm 6 weeks pregnant. The father was a new boyfriend and has gone MIA since finding out and just ignores my communications now. I know he wants an abortion. I always wanted a child, but in a loving supportive relationship. I have diagnosed ADHD and am prone to depression. I am concerned I won't cope if I keep the child, as I have a small network and part time job. He won't be in the picture. I'm concerned though that this is my last shot and maybe I'll never get over abortion. If anyone can give their honest thoughts, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks so much x

You presumably work term time then? You can do this if you want to. I'm a single mum of two and am neurodiverse.

I'm close to your age and I think go for it if you know you want to be a mum. If you work part time and don't have much savings you'll be entitled to universal credit to help you and help with the childcare fees. You can meet a partner later on in life there's no rush now.
However if you're unsure then abortion providers offer great free counselling to help you decide.

Ps lots of men are horrid to pregnant women but then show up later wanting to be dad of the year and control you once they have a new gf. Be prepared for this and don't put him on the birth cert immediately.

Thank you for this. Can I ask, in what way were they the making of you? And in what way are they rewarding? I know that sounds ridiculous but as I am childless I simply can't imagine it.

Can I also ask, how was your lifestyle before the children?

Ps there are a lot of mums here so we are biased - you might also want to talk to child free people

If you can spend 3k of those savings on baby bear you'll get universal credit

Yes, I work term time, and a bit less as I work in a private school so we have a bit more holiday.

My worry is that I don't know if I do really want it enough 😔 Did you really know when you became a single mom? I am worried about doing it because it's what everyone seems to 'do' and I don't want to miss out. But I'm finding it hard to envisage doing it on my own.

Oh wow that's great. Do you know how much?

That's a great point, thank you. Where might I find those people? Seems to be not many of us lol.

Hi. This is a really tough decision and I completely understand why you are asking for help, but ultimately it has to be your decision.

One thing I've always been asked in life when missing decisions - what will you regret more - doing it or not doing it? I guess for you the question is would you regret having a baby or having an abortion more?

I have 3 children. Suspected ADHD in me, depression on and off for years. A husband so useless I might as well be a single parent. I don't regret having them at all and I managed - it was hard but I got through it. Don't let ADHD/depression be a blocker for you - make your decision based on what's best for you and your life.

You mentioned you are a music teacher for younger children. It sounds like you are in a position to be a great mum - and you w said yourself you want a child. It's purely the practicality of it around support. Even in a loving relationship where both parents want the child it can change in a heartbeat - a sudden death, an affair, a realisation they don't want to be a dad..... there are many times women find themselves a single mother - and they manage. Many are amazing parents!

Good luck

OP, I was in exactly the same situation as you but I was a couple of years older. I have ASD.

All I can say is that having my DS has been the best thing I have ever done. I found I was able to cope quite well, I like routine and that has worked well for me and ds. He gives me the motivation to do so many things I would not otherwise have tried.

He is now a cheerful 6' teen and we muddle along very well.

My mum passed away while I was expecting which was difficult and left me with very little support but I still coped OK. Ds's dad was almost no help at all.

If you have always wanted a child, I suggest you think long and hard. Is the father in a position to pay a sensible amount of CM?

Of course you need to go into things with eyes open, and I think that's what other posters are trying to do - fill in some details in the picture. But if you only talk about the challenges it's not a fair picture. The flip side is the amazing fact you have a child, how you will grow together, how you will love them. You'll run yourself ragged looking after them, dealing with school and appointments, stretching money to cover the football boots - and then having to clean them when they leave them by the door.

It sounds like you are afraid of the future, afraid you are not enough, but every mother thinks that and we become enough. Go forward with courage!

OP, my DD is a joy but a life without children can also be very happy and fulfilling - as you know. Sometimes the decision not to have that baby is the most maternal decision, taken in the circumstances you’ve got.

If your support network is already practically non-existent, imagine having a child with disabilities or you having complications post birth. People do handle that - but the cost and what’s best for mum/baby has to be considered.

’The Mother of All Dilemmas’ might be a good book to read for you as you’re making this decision, it takes a deep look at solo motherhood with all its joys and difficulties.

Jody Day’s website provides loads of resources for childless women - not saying that’s the decision to make but it’s the best support network and inspiration if you decide to abort, you will need to grieve that to move forward.

All the best x

Is the father in a position to pay a sensible amount of CM?

I think this is a difficult one, as OP has said he is bankrupt (and thus, I guess, won't be expected to pay at all).

Though actually, Citizens Advice says 'You might still need to make payments for debts that aren’t part of your bankruptcy - for example, child maintenance'

I never wanted children, then at 39 thought 'ah, why not?' then I had my first and my whole world/life view changed. I ended up with 4. I think you should take a leap of faith and go for it. You have 9 months to prepare, to make friends, to be the best version of yourself you can be. Having a child is wonderful, exhausting, infuriating but is a love like nothing you can imagine. You shouldn't deny yourself that possibility.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. You have to weigh up your options and decide what is good for you. Being a parent is hard. So whilst its very nice that everyone says its the best thing to happen to them, it does not come easy with limited funds and no support - mentally or physically.

I'm 35. Have an unplanned pregnancy and at the beginning I was really in two minds about keeping the baby or not because my life is so "free" at the moment. I travel often, I do what I want and when I want without any regard or consideration for another human being.

Bringing a baby into this world is a huge responsibility so you need to ask yourself how much you want to be a mother and if you have the capacity to love and care for it. If you have that strong desire to be a mother and raise a child, you can and will find a way to make things work. People make do with much less. If you really want something, you will do what it takes to have it and make it work regardless of your circumstances.

I have chosen to progress with my pregnancy as I have always wanted children and even though things may be hard for me for a while, I feel like the desire to have a baby outweighs everything else in my life now.

Good luck and I hope you are able to make a decision that best suits you.

This is all so helpful. Thank you so much for your empathy and suggestions.

Thank you so much for this response. Are you also going to go it alone?

I'm autistic and adhd and single parent to 3 children. It's hard but manageable. Essentially you will manage because you have to. Some days are utter hell some overflow with joy.

What I will say is consider if you could parent a SEN child alone. I'm single because my ex could not cope with my sons high needs and me having to stop work to care for him. Autism and adhd had a genetic link so you are perhaps more likely to get a challenging child. I love m'y challenging child and would do anything for him but it's fucking hard and I do think people should consider that possibility when having kids.

You say it's your last chance. Does that mean you want kids? If I felt that way at 39 I would keep the baby if I hadn't got children already.

It's you who needs to live with your decision. Either parenting alone or regret if it turns out you regret doing it. People online can't tell you how to feel or what to do only say how they have experienced things etc

That's definitely stuff to think about and I have read that your child is much more likely to be neurodiverse if the parent is. The dad definitely is too, just in denial lol.

I wanted children a lot during my 20s and 30s, but haven't ever found a steady relationship. I think because of my ADHD I just wanted to travel constantly and still go away 5/6 times a year. Now it's actually happened and I'm frightened to death, I'm worried I wanted children because it's what everyone 'does' and everyone kept asking me when I would do it. So if made me feel I had a void, when in reality I'm not sure I do.

I can't be sure if I want children now. Or if it's that I wanted a supportive relationship and maybe children to be part of that.

Right now the father is "in the picture" (we are not together) but that means nothing. He hasn't attended scans or apps with me. He has proven to be a very unreliable person so I am not relying on him for anything and made peace with the fact that I cannot depend on him. Taking him out of the equation, I think I will be able to manage on my own with or without his help. That paired with the fact that I know I definitely want the baby now.

Thanks for your reply. You sound like such a strong person and no doubt will make a wonderful mother. I know if I did it, I also need to accept the same. The father has also proven to be completely unreliable. Lots of people tell me they change their minds when babies come, but I'm actually not sure I want that and would rather enter into it knowing he wasn't ever going to be in the picture!! Good luck to you xxx

Don't rely on the baby's father to "come around" as you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Base your decision on you and you only. Drown out all of the outside noise and focus on what you want. It might help if you made a pros and cons list. An actual list whether it be on your phone or written down on a piece of paper.

Sometimes having things written down where you can physically see it helps give you some clarity as opposed to a bunch of scattered thoughts/fears in your mind.

Oh gosh op. I was in a similar position at similar age in a new relationship with useless man.

Just to offer another view -

I chose to abort.

Yes I wanted kids and worried this was 'my last shot' but decided I didn't want to be a skint, single, struggling mum. I'd rather be childless.

I genuinely didn't think I could afford it (mortgage and childcare around £3k a month alone) and I earned a very good salary.

My family wouldn't have helped.

My friends couldn't have helped.

I wouldn't really have had any support system.

Five years on - still childless) and I don't regret it for a second. I have a wonderful life and wouldn't change it.