Solo Mom or abortion

[hoopmatrix]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I've accidentally got pregnant aged 39, and don't have other children. I'm 6 weeks pregnant. The father was a new boyfriend and has gone MIA since finding out and just ignores my communications now. I know he wants an abortion. I always wanted a child, but in a loving supportive relationship. I have diagnosed ADHD and am prone to depression. I am concerned I won't cope if I keep the child, as I have a small network and part time job. He won't be in the picture. I'm concerned though that this is my last shot and maybe I'll never get over abortion. If anyone can give their honest thoughts, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks so much x

Having been happily single and child-free for most of my adult life, I met a lovely man at 40 and fell pregnant about 9 months into the relationship. I was shocked initially and not 100% sure it was the right thing. The decision was taken out of my hands when I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, which made me realise just how much I wanted the baby.

Only you know what you really want to do; some other people have suggested counselling which is a great idea, I think it will really help. Good luck with whatever you decide, there's no right or wrong here.

Thank you so much for your bravery and openness in telling me this information. I do feel very much like you, that I am scared to be a skint, single, and struggling mother. I am a capable human, but have spend nearly 40yrs selfishly thinking of only me. I haven't even had serious relationships and I'm scared I'll never cope. It's great to know you are happy in your life. Thank you again xx

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for being so open in telling me your story.

Another wonderful poster gave me the name of a charity called Choices. They have booked me in for a counselling session tomorrow evening after school. I hope that will help. Thank you again xxx

I had a baby at your age, believing I was in a safe, loving relationship.

I later realized I wasn't.
Now I’m a strong lone parent, facing a degenerative disease, yet I love my life. I feel so content.

My love for my baby runs deep, and like you, I once worried that I might struggle to adjust after living as a non-parent, thinking mainly of myself. Now, I can't imagine my life without this precious, funny, independent little person.

We often overthink life and worry about our abilities. The truth is, sometimes we feel prepared and sometimes we don't, but we must embrace the journey and persevere. There have been challenges I've faced that I’m grateful I didn’t foresee because I might not have coped.

You mentioned you’ve always wanted a baby, and none of us can fully explain why we choose to have children. It’s as natural as seeking a partner—we’ve all sought connection in our own way. Some choices simply are.

Yesterday I listened to Kathryn Ryan (comedian) talking on ‘We Need To Talk’ podcast about when she had her first daughter - her partner was a nightmare & so she went it alone. Her experience and the way she spoke about it was really really beautiful, I’d encourage a listen if you’d like to.

Another one I’d recommend is Tracy Emin’s artwork film about her abortion (before she was a world renowned artist) & her reflections and thoughts about it after the years. I found her perspective really interesting and not one often spoken about - she is an advocate for choice but also speaks of the deep grief and regret she sometimes feels & how things could have been different. She too felt like she wasn’t in a position at that point to have the baby.

These are just two women’s experiences, one who aborted and one who didn’t, both in jobs that weren’t considered secure or stable, both without partners at the time.

I was a single mother (I was married but he left after DV)
I have ADHD , probably autistic and have had depression.
I'm sorry I found it hell and I did have some help.
Luckily I only had one , she's an adult now and I still struggle.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and giving me some hope. You are right that I just cannot imagine how I will live life for someone else and not myself. I'm scared that because I feel that way it means I shouldn't be a mother. I don't want to just do it because I think I should and now I'm pregnant all I feel is doubt over my ability to be a giving and selfless mother. I can't imagine bonding with the baby I'm scared about resentment.

Thank you so much again for taking the time to reply to me.

Wow these are such amazing suggestions for me. I can't thank you enough. I will definitely sought those things out today and listen! I've taken the day off school to try and get my thoughts together and have a counselling appointment.

I'm sorry that things were so challenging for you. Could I possibly ask you what aspects you found so hard? I only started 'adulting' effectively for around the last 2yrs, since my diagnosis. I'm scared I can't do that for me and the baby.

I have no doubt that if you were to have the baby, you would 'survive' and 'make it work somehow' but just here to say that's it's perfectly okay to want more than just survival, and to think about how you want your life to look. People get rose tinted glasses and say you'll never regret a child but the truth is that there are a lot of people struggling out there who while they wouldn't wish their child away, will wish they'd made a different decision

The thing is though, it's kind of a case of sliding doors isn't it? You don't know whether the same people, had they chosen to not have a family, would be looking back saying that they are utterly miserable and wish they had made the complete opposite choice. Perhaps they are grass is greener on the other side type people regardless of their circumstance?
The other thing of course is that even when I had my dream job, there were times I would look out of the window and wish I was 1,000,000 miles away doing a completely different job that I hadn't trained for that nobody else would want. It was just an escape in that moment. It didn't mean that I wanted to stop doing the job I've belonged to have all my life and was really good at.
It always worries me that other people would look at newborn babies and coo, but I always thought puppies were sweeter and it scared me because I wondered if I could have a love a baby like I should. In many respects, I'm the best mum that I know though! So it just goes to show, it's very different once it's your own flesh and blood in your arms. And of course the other thing is, while they are babies it feels like it will last forever but it really doesn't. Before you know it they're at school, then secondary school, then leaving school and then adults just like you.

Keeping on top of everything.
Housework , school stuff. Medical appointments (a lot)
Work.
I mean we survived , always got to school , clean uniform etc.
I also found it very stifling and felt so tied down.

Only you can choose what you want.
I know what i would do most would not agree with me because i would not want to be tied to a man for 18 years.
But so many have gone solo and don a great job.

Someone suggested a child free perspective. I am child free and would have been paralysed with dread in your shoes OP and would definitely have aborted.

Reasons

I love quiet time. I can 'act' only for so long and to have to be 'on' all the time would drive me mad.

I am not fond of children generally.

I enjoy having lots of spare cash and spare time to spend as I please.

In my younger days I loved to travel solo.

I despise noise and chaos.

I am quite selfish if I am honest and not emotionally resilient.

Bear in mind that your siblings may not be around to help care for or manage the care and finances for your aging parents. That is another huge huge stress. Adding a baby in? That would be an absolute no from me.

Some things to consider:
Are you in secure housing with two bedrooms? You can share for the first few years, but at some point it becones a problem.
How do you feel if the father later does want to be in the child's life? He could find a new girlfriend to leach off and prove that he is suitable for 50/50 custody.
Assume that your child will be neurodivergent, given their parentage. How well will you cope with that? I find that it's not my kids that cause me the most challenges, but the way society treats them as being a problem.

Thank you for sharing on this forum though I must ask.. are you child free by choice? If so, why are you on a parenting forum? I don’t mean this in a bad way so I hope you don’t take it that way. I’m genuinely curious what would prompt someone who is child free by choice, to want to participate on a forum designed for mothers/expectant mothers/parents

There are loads of us women who are child free by choice here. We (shock) even have our very own area to post in.

I have been here for very many years and love the depth of intelligent political analysis here. You can still find it if you look.

I also had immense support when dealing with the decline and death of my aging parents.

But the world is changing, and the demographic of Mumsnet is changing so might not stay around much longer.

Twere all Green fields etc etc.

I really do appreciate you taking the time to give your perspective and your life experience. It is invaluable to me and I am glad you felt you could write on this forum to help people like me see both perspectives.

Ahh.I see I have been snookered by AI.
One lives and learns.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response to my post. I do have secure 2 bedroom housing.

I certainly do feel that the question of the father is the biggest deal. After having a long conversation with him and him coming back into the picture yesterday, it already seems be wants to be involved. If I'm totally honest, this gives me the most fear as he already has 3 other children from 2 different Mums (no judgement) and I am a little nervous that his currently chaotic life would impact on me and the child.

I also have wondered and worried about the neurodiversity aspect. I gave my mum fresh hell throughout her life, and also myself hell in my mind for a long time. The only thing I can say positively is that our society is changing and that teachers like myself are extremely understanding and caring with regards to neurodiverse students.

Snookered by AI?

I am a single Mum, also have ADHD, I had my last son age 40 (he's 1.5 now) oh and I have 3 other boys too 😂

I have no family (my parents died and I physically have no other family) and I don't have any friends locally after moving from my home town 2.5 years ago. My closest and only friend lives two hours away. I also work full time (but thankfully from home!) and on a similar wage as you.

Is it easy? Not every day. Would I change it for the world? Absolutely not! I am very fortunate that my youngest is a dream and such a chilled baby and always has been, plus personally I love the night feeds and the calm and bonding time (I sure do miss those!).

The decision is entirely yours... but I wouldn't let being single and not having much support around put you off.

I am lucky that I have a lovely childminder, who I can also book for babysitting, so I do occasionally get 'me' time to breathe. It's not all bad OP ☺️

How are you OP?

What was your decision in the end OP?