Two potential Dad’s

[WholeHearted89]

I know I won’t be the first or last to be in this predicament and I am ashamed of my past behaviour but here we are nonetheless.

I find myself single and 30 weeks pregnant. My due date is 08/03/2025.

My LMP was on 02/06/2024. I had sex with previous partner on 11/06/2024 and then had sex with someone else the next day 12/06/2024. 🙈🙈 I know, not my finest hour. I did take the morning after pill on the 13/06 but it was clearly too late as I’d already ovulated.

Previous partner did not ejaculate inside and we had been using withdrawal as our “method” of contraception successfully since we had our son in 2020.

The other person did cum. Up until today I was convinced it was the other person’s baby but had a 4d scan today and baby looks just like DS. It has raised doubt in my mind.

Who do you think is most likely to be the Dad?

Definitely going to get a DNA test when baby is here (although ex partner is white and other potential Dad Asian so it may be obvious) but just feel anxious in the countdown. Didn’t want to risk amniocentesis when I was going to keep baby regardless.

Forgive my ignorance but how is this possible? I thought the only way was an amniocentesis which I don’t want to do.

With regards to my ex, we split because he wasn’t the Dad I needed him to be - constantly put other things i.e. golf, lad’s holidays, sessions at the pub, overtime at work (that he didn’t necessarily need to commit to) before me and more sadly his son and we also had lots of financial issues. I went back part time after I had our son and therefore my wage took the hit but he was happy for me to suffer financially as it didn’t affect him at all. Our finances were kept separate apart from our joint account for house outgoings and he always told me “this works for me” but it didn’t work for me.

About sleeping with him again it shouldn’t have happened but sometimes relationships/emotions/life are more complicated than they are black and white.

It might not be obvious at birth because some mixed heritage people can be completely white passing. Nicki Bedi, the BBC presenter is half Indian but you can't tell at first glance. The DNA test will be the only certified way of telling.

Nicki Bedi

She had sex 2 days running choosing no contraception both times. She didn’t care either time if there was a chance of an std.

She has a young child already who may
or may not share a dad with this baby. She’s already said that dad is useless.

It is a mess of her making at the minute, she has got it completely wrong.

@Sometimeswinning she's also acknowledged all of that so probably no need for a recap or summing up of events.

@Sometimeswinning I hope you're not suffering from altitude sickness up on that high horse! People make errors of judgment which sometimes have consequences. OP is clearly aware of this and is trying to deal with the consequences of her choices. What are you hoping to achieve by trying to shame her further? It won't change anything; the only purpose your judgemental comment serves is to cause further unnecessary hurt.

@WholeHearted89 sorry on app so can't quote a quote

It's done via a blood test from you which takes some of the babies blood/dna and then either blood /cheek swab from one of the men

No risk to baby

Years ago the only way was amniocentesis which obv holds a risk

Have a google

Sounds like no 2 the friend would be a better option for dad - tho obv you get no choice

I am aware of the mess. 🙄

Do you know what - two years ago I could never have imagined that something like this would happen or that I would make such poor decisions. There have been times I have just not wanted to be here just to escape myself. Thankfully, I am feeling so so much better now.

I hope you never ever go through what I went through but if you do, people treat you with a bit more compassion and empathy than what you have demonstrated.

Both of my children will be loved, cared for and well looked after and I am getting better everyday. And that’s all that matters.

This is true. I have seen enough messed up children and this exact scenario a few times. I just think people are too quick to not mention the effect this will have on two men, their families and most importantly the op’s baby. It’s easy to say don’t worry no harm done but this child could end up sharing a dad but not having the same relationship as her sibling.

Oh yes, jeez. I see what you mean. Thank you x

Thank you for the info, I’ll definitely look into it. I wonder if it could be done from siblings cheek rather than either of the potential Dad’s.

But you are merely conjecturing based on such little information.

No it needs to be done from the dads dna not siblings

Please stop responding to nasty comments. You are only fuelling them further! Ignore them and hopefully they will go away. As if being pregnant isn't difficult enough as it is!

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!

I agree that it can be better for a child to have one engaged and committed parent rather than two parents where one is disinterested/a negative influence. However that doesn't negate the fact that a child with one engaged and committed parent is disadvantaged compared to children with two engaged and committed parents. Anyway, there's nothing the OP can do about that now, but she can certainly claim maintenance to try and reduce the financial disadvantage of being a one-parent household.

Sorry was I suppose to gush and say I hope everything works out for you?

I’m very aware of the little girls future. Neither dad wants her or is sorting out dna. The op needs to be forceful on this. It’s not a case of having loads of love to give. If only that worked!

I felt the same when my DD (now 7) was born and her father walked away during the pregnancy. Took me over a year to finally apply, the amount has steadily gone up over the last few years and now I receive a fairly decent amount which I couldn't do without. I would say definitely apply. And good luck :) x

Neither dad wants her

What a horrible thing to say. My daughter's dad didn't want to be involved and has had no contact in 7 years. She is the loveliest, happiest, funniest, most loved girl you could imagine. Her school are always complimenting her, she has lots of friends, and she has an amazing family on my side who adore her.

You're clearly just a nasty person and have no idea what the future holds for the little girl.

Neither do you. You know who the dad is, this little girl most probably won’t unless the op goes to claim maintenance from one of them. They’ll be offering up dna then!

Im not nasty. I’m actually very nice. I just felt my heart plummet when I read this. For every one child who does ok there are 10 kids not doing ok. (That’s made up but it’s how it seems sometimes) I love that you have an amazing support unit and that she’s a credit to you. Read the op again and think if you would have posted it.

You're claiming 90% of children raised by single mothers don't "do ok" (which you then admit to being a made up statistic). What's your definition of not being ok? In my close friendship group of 80s babies, 60% of us were raised by single mothers (at a time where it was still uncommon, and the term bastard was being used freely), and we've been the most successful in monetary and relationship stability terms compared to our nuclear family raised peers.

In adulthood I'm a teacher, and single parenthood isn't even on the radar as an indicator of young people's disadvantage nowadays. Low wages, lack of investment into job and social opportunities, mental health issues, substance abuse, poor quality housing etc. are much more significant issues, and they affect families of all shapes and sizes. This is such an appalingly outdated view which scapegoats single mothers - I honestly thought we'd moved on from this!

Don't be hard on yourself

I did not say single mothers. That’s on you! I’m on about the ops situation which is not yours.

As a teacher everything should be on your radar.

No judgement here - my withdrawal baby is due in June 😁 and like you she’s very much wanted despite the clumsiness of how she got here!

If I were to bet then I’d say it would be the second guy as he would’ve had more sperm going that way. However, the first guy, being first, may have already got to the egg before second guy got a look in.

Not that it changes anything, but is there one in particular you would prefer to be the dad?

Thank you for telling me how to do my job. I'm good at what I do, if I wasn't I wouldn't still being doing it 15 years on. I know how to safeguard. I also know that family structure isn't considered a risk factor, and it isn't covered in KCSIE policy. Children can be harmed in any family structure, but it's never because of the family structure. In fact, almost every case of child abuse I've encountered in my career has been children being harmed by a father or step father in a two-adult household.

If you're not talking about single mothers, can you be more specific about what it is that you're so concerned about? There is zero evidence OP's child is at risk of harm or disadvantage here, that's been made very clear. And you weren't able to explain what you mean by children not being OK. The only conclusion I can draw is that you're judgmental about women having casual sex and seem to think this equates to being unable to provide adequate care for a child.

Apologies to @WholeHearted89 for taking your thread off course! I wish you best of luck - and as a now adult raised in a SPF, please ignore the, thankfully few, judgemental comments here. Your little one is going to be just fine with your love and care. Happy new year and all the best with your pregnancy and beyond (my baby is also due in 2025 - maybe it's the hormones sending me off on the defensive 😂)..

Unfortunately you can’t see beyond the single parent line that you are not just defensive about but inserted it into the conversation yourself!

Im judgemental about men and women having casual sex without using protection. But that’s on them. Im even more judgemental when there is a child involved. Is that ok with you?

Stop apologising to the op like a ninny. Just because I didn’t join the echo chamber and pointed out that this situation could be detrimental for a little girl having a relationship with her dad does not make me a bad person.