AIBU to dread my in-laws becoming my child’s grandparents?

[moonmaker93]

A long one, but here goes…

Currently 6 months pregnant with mine and DH’s first child. I must preface this with the fact that neither MIL or FIL have taken any interest in me or the pregnancy, or offered any help while I’ve been very unwell throughout, so far, despite living very very close by.

In fact, throughout our 8 year relationship they’ve never bothered much with us as a couple.

They are only interested in things such as how soon they’ll get to see the baby once she’s here (their expectation is very clearly day of birth), what we’re calling her, etc.

They have two spare rooms which are assigned to each of BIL/SIL’s two children (decorated to their personal taste with all of their personal belongings; complete with names on the doors). MIL started loudly asking our young Nephews over their Christmas drinks/family get-together which of them would be “sharing” with our baby when they arrive, and who will have the cot in “their” room.

They’ve not once had a conversation with DH or me about whether we actually want our baby to stay with them when they arrive (we don’t - at least not for the first few years).

And, in honesty (although possibly controversial, as I appreciate it’s their house and they can do as they please), I was always a bit dubious about them assigning their existing GCs’ names to rooms - which they only did just this past year - when DH and I had always made it clear in our 8 years together we would like to start a family of our own after we got married, which was 2 years ago, as I don’t particularly want our child staying in “another child’s room.”

We had previously experienced a couple of losses, which they knew about, and personally this bedroom situation always made me feel that they thought of us as a lost cause; that they wouldn’t have anymore GC. BIL/SIL had made it clear they were done having children.

That may or may not be me being sensitive.

My in-laws swear, drink (not alcoholics, but very invested in drinking “culture”, shall we say…) and don’t model the best of behaviours IMO. e.g., encouraging the children to do silly things, such as get them to pretend to pour laundry detergent in adults’ mouths who swear for “a laugh”… I mean, that’s just asking for trouble with children who don’t understand the dangers of household products.

MIL has made loud comments in family company about which names we are “allowed” or “not allowed” to call our child, though we’ve made it clear we’re not discussing names with others.

She moaned about “having to wait” all because we found out the gender and BOUGHT them a cute little personal reveal teddy bear to give them that evening, instead of us just texting as soon as we found out.

They don’t put much emphasis on education (books, reading, music/crafts, educational play etc) or positive reinforcement, and honestly I just don’t feel their parenting style aligns with ours, which has me worried about the type of impact they’re going to have on DD when they’re here.

DH agrees that their style is not a match with ours, but he’s just a lot more chilled out about it, whereas it makes me a bit anxious. BIL/SIL’s children are quite highly strung, boisterous and allowed to do as they please without any repercussions from PILs. They are also given as much screen time as they desire.

I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t resent how the in-laws have made me feel like little more than an incubator for their son’s child so far.

AIBU to dread the impact they’re going to have, and to want to minimise this from the off? Very aware my hormones may be playing a part right now too, so would appreciate honest opinions.

Equally, any advice if anyone has had any similar thoughts/experiences? I’d like to start setting boundaries ASAP, but I don’t enjoy conflict!

I have similar experiences with my own parents.
They are only interested in my nephew (first grandchild) and not at all in my two kids (one and half and 3 and half years younger than my nephew).

They play with him, take him to places like zoo or themed parks, and want to talk to him on the phone every day. When they are around my daughter, who is 3 now, they don't bother to talk or play with her. They are just on their phone. They also don't buy anything for my children but clothes and gifts constantly for my nephew.

In terms of parenting style, my mum was extremely strict with us. My sister doesn't parent at all - no rules, sweets anytime a day, doesn't have to sit down for dinner, etc. My nephew ended up being a screaming child who constantly hits and kicks when he doesn't get his way. Yet, my parents are obsessed with him and allow him to get away with anything.

I tried to talk to my parents about it a million times, but they think I'm being "ridiculous, " "oversensitive," and jealous.
I'm not going to tell you to accept this and make your peace with it because it's impossible.
The only thing you can do is to ask them - or your husband - to put the two children into one room and free one for a baby (at least for a few years).

@Katherina198819 it's really frustrating isn't it! As has been the case with your sister, I do worry that the lackadaisical style will rub off if DD is around them too often. I've seen how the nephews are, and although of course we love them, it's not how we want our children to act.

But I feel they'll be expecting us to allow her to stay, and won't be happy if we say no.

SIL is very chilled and doesn't say anything to them, and I know I'll be deemed "the difficult one" if I speak up about parenting style.

Depends on how often you are planning to have all the kids together. I purposely try to separate mine from my nephew, as his behaviour is awful, and not my sister or grandparents care. He is aggressive and constantly hits - he was hitting my 6 months old baby boy, and everyone saw it and did nothing. When I lost my sh*t about it, they told me I was in the wrong.

If my kids are with the grandparents without my nephew, I'm happy to let them a bit loose - I know they let them watch tv all day, filling them up with sweets, etc. It is the job of a grandparent. Mine did the same, so I don't care as long as my nephew isn't around.
It's a shame as I want the cousins to have a good relationship, but it's simply not worth it.

I still believe your husband needs to speak to them. My mother doesn't care about my opinion, but your MIL might care about your husband's.

Your dh needs to tell them straight you have both waited a long time for your dc and she ain't going anywhere without you for a very long time.. And mean it.

@Katherina198819 I'm concerned about the in-laws' impact on DD's behaviour; less so the nephews, as yes they probably won't be around them much. But the in-laws do look after the nephews a lot and I think their lassez-faire approach hasn't helped the nephews' behaviour. Basically, i'm just concerned that their parenting style doesn't match up with our own at all, and therefore don't know if unreasonable to potentially minimise contact.

@Santaisinbedalready thanks. I can only hope that they'll be receptive to this, but my gut tells me otherwise. Seeing as she was annoyed that we "made her wait" for a few hours to find out the gender, when we thought we were doing something nice. And I'm not keen on the baby "sharing" what is, essentially, another child's room.

This is bizarre
you and your husband need to have a proper conversation about what your boundaries are now and be clear it’s up to him to enforce as they’re his parents - they clearly have set expectations of what it is to be a grandparent which sound different to yours.
my in laws demanded alone time when my baby was 8 weeks and honestly the relationship has never recovered
No one is entitled to sleepovers with your child please don’t be pushed into it.

I say this very kindly but I think it sounds a little bit over sensitive on your side. I think they just have different personalities and lifestyles to you, which is fine. They don’t sound like terrible people, just different. My in laws have rooms for their older grandkids too and it’s never bothered me, our LO has had sleepovers and stays in the travel cot in grandparents bedroom with them. The older kids can have a good nights sleep. You’ll probably find as you’re LO gets older they’ll love seeing their big cousins and will enjoy playing with them. I’d say just sit tight and try not to over think things that haven’t happened yet.

I have many many dc.. None have slept out at a dgps house.. Ds was 6 before he wanted to sleep at his sibling's home. No harm came from a dc sleeping in their own bed only. Your choice. Not your mil's. Don't be bullied into handing over your precious dc.. Mil can still have a relationship with a visiting dgc.. Millions of other families manage. Ime leaving all dc updates to dh is the way forward.... My ils never had my mobile number. Made for a much better life and marriage...

@BeTaupeBear thank you. Usually MIL/FIL will flat out come to me with Qs about stuff like this. I don't know if due to outdated gender stereotypes or what, as my DH will be a great and very involved dad I've no doubt, but it puts me in an awkward position.

@MammaTo thank you, I do appreciate the honesty. I just wouldn't want our child feeling like an intruder in their own grandparents' space, though you're right - I think I'm getting ahead of myself with that one because we don't even want them staying elsewhere first couple of years at least, ideally.

@Santaisinbedalready thanks so much. Yes, good idea. I think I might start deferring the texts/any comments that I get to DH. I don't know why she only comes to me anyway - it's her son's child too, not just mine ha.

Divert everything.. Let him see what a nightmare they are and how ridiculous are their expectations..

Could you move further away? Not hundreds of miles but you know, the other side of where you work?

@Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson I work from home, but DH does travel into work about 15 mins away. We only bought our current house year before last and so it wouldn't be ideal to move. We're also very close to my parents too, which I do like, and we don't have any issues with them. We always thought it would be a blessing to be close to both sets of parents, but maybe not!

You do sound a bit precious with the whole bedroom situation. It's clear that you can't stand your in laws and I think you are looking for reasons to reinforce your feelings of disdain for them.

It's a bit odd, since you have chosen them to be your child's grandparents.

It's a bit too late YOU have chosen them to be your in-laws hence your DC's grandparents

You need to be clear with them or rather your dh does.

Pil - "We will be at the hospital waiting to see the baby"
Dh "we will be having the first few days just us but we will let you know as soon as you can visit"

Pil"I've seen a cot I'm going to get for the baby "
Dh " it might be useful to have somewhere for baby to sleep when we visit but only if your sure "
Pil "I meant for sleepovers "
Dh "we are not planning on the baby sleeping out while she is young. We will want her with us"

He needs to address these notions in the moment.

@CrispyCrumpets this simply isn't true. I actually adore my in-laws, but as this is our first child, inevitably this is a whole new dynamic that needs ironing out.

@newyearsresolurion to be clear, I chose my husband; not them. I would still have chosen my husband regardless of whether his parents were awful people. As it happens, they're not. I adore my in-laws, but this is a new dynamic. Looking for advice from people who may already have navigated this.

@buttonousmaximous this is helpful, thank you. I definitely think the concensus and way forward is to have DH handle these conversations. I think he would be happy to, but MIL, for whatever reason, approaches me first on anything baby-related, so will need to send her his way.

Their parenting style doesn't really matter unless you're planning to ask them to provide regular childcare?

Surely for most of the time you'll be there and it's you parenting your child not them.

Remember they brought up your DH whom you love and respect. I do t think they will do any lasting damage and will have less influence over your DD than you think! Get your DH to set expectations about no sleepovers and stop worrying over what has not happened!

@RabbitsEatPancakes this is my point: they look after our nephews very regularly and have already expressed their desire, in not-so subtle ways without any discussion with us, to do the same for our DD once she's here (from the day of birth by the sounds of it ), but I don't enjoy their style of childcare or want that for our DD. Equally, I know they're going to be annoyed at no sleepovers etc.

You don't know what your parenting style is yet because you are not yet parenting.
You can aspire to a certain way of doing things but you have literally no idea until you are actually doing it.
They sound excited and invested in their own way and tbh you sound quite snobbish and judgemental.

Do NOT start burning bridges at this early stage. You have no idea how things are going to pan out and they could end up being staunch supporters who help in ways you can't imagine now.