AIBU to dread my in-laws becoming my child’s grandparents?

[moonmaker93]

A long one, but here goes…

Currently 6 months pregnant with mine and DH’s first child. I must preface this with the fact that neither MIL or FIL have taken any interest in me or the pregnancy, or offered any help while I’ve been very unwell throughout, so far, despite living very very close by.

In fact, throughout our 8 year relationship they’ve never bothered much with us as a couple.

They are only interested in things such as how soon they’ll get to see the baby once she’s here (their expectation is very clearly day of birth), what we’re calling her, etc.

They have two spare rooms which are assigned to each of BIL/SIL’s two children (decorated to their personal taste with all of their personal belongings; complete with names on the doors). MIL started loudly asking our young Nephews over their Christmas drinks/family get-together which of them would be “sharing” with our baby when they arrive, and who will have the cot in “their” room.

They’ve not once had a conversation with DH or me about whether we actually want our baby to stay with them when they arrive (we don’t - at least not for the first few years).

And, in honesty (although possibly controversial, as I appreciate it’s their house and they can do as they please), I was always a bit dubious about them assigning their existing GCs’ names to rooms - which they only did just this past year - when DH and I had always made it clear in our 8 years together we would like to start a family of our own after we got married, which was 2 years ago, as I don’t particularly want our child staying in “another child’s room.”

We had previously experienced a couple of losses, which they knew about, and personally this bedroom situation always made me feel that they thought of us as a lost cause; that they wouldn’t have anymore GC. BIL/SIL had made it clear they were done having children.

That may or may not be me being sensitive.

My in-laws swear, drink (not alcoholics, but very invested in drinking “culture”, shall we say…) and don’t model the best of behaviours IMO. e.g., encouraging the children to do silly things, such as get them to pretend to pour laundry detergent in adults’ mouths who swear for “a laugh”… I mean, that’s just asking for trouble with children who don’t understand the dangers of household products.

MIL has made loud comments in family company about which names we are “allowed” or “not allowed” to call our child, though we’ve made it clear we’re not discussing names with others.

She moaned about “having to wait” all because we found out the gender and BOUGHT them a cute little personal reveal teddy bear to give them that evening, instead of us just texting as soon as we found out.

They don’t put much emphasis on education (books, reading, music/crafts, educational play etc) or positive reinforcement, and honestly I just don’t feel their parenting style aligns with ours, which has me worried about the type of impact they’re going to have on DD when they’re here.

DH agrees that their style is not a match with ours, but he’s just a lot more chilled out about it, whereas it makes me a bit anxious. BIL/SIL’s children are quite highly strung, boisterous and allowed to do as they please without any repercussions from PILs. They are also given as much screen time as they desire.

I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t resent how the in-laws have made me feel like little more than an incubator for their son’s child so far.

AIBU to dread the impact they’re going to have, and to want to minimise this from the off? Very aware my hormones may be playing a part right now too, so would appreciate honest opinions.

Equally, any advice if anyone has had any similar thoughts/experiences? I’d like to start setting boundaries ASAP, but I don’t enjoy conflict!

@eish I have made this same point to myself to be fair; however, I'm also aware that due to PIL's work arrangements when he was young, my DH (who is the eldest) spent a lot more time with his grandparents, whose parenting style does match up with mine more closely, than his brother did. And he and his brother are quite different.

@Bigearringsbigsmile So in 3 months when this baby graces us with her little presence, and I then am... all of a sudden... 'parenting', I'll do a complete 180°? On a serious note, I take your point, but equally we know what is/isn't for us as parents.

Are you intending to breastfeed? That knocks out any chance of baby sleepovers for as long as it lasts. Just spend time with them as a family, there is no need for them to have solo time. My ILs and DM never did with my two now teens, and they are still very close to the grandparents.

@NancyJoan I am actually, all being well. That's a good point. Thing is, we don't want to upset them/cause any grievances (that's our main concern really), so yes hopefully that will help soften the blow, thank you.

I'd just state the bedroom situation isn't urgent and they've no need to get a cot as you've zero plans to part with a much longed for baby. Make it clear sleepovers won't be happening for a looong time.

If they're not having grandchild overnight often I'd not worry about the nephews and the parenting styles too much. Keep on eye on behaviour when you visit with baby but I think their expectations of having your baby handed over to them like a doll to play with are what I'd be more concerned about and putting boundaries out clearly about.

So this argument works for your daughter as she will mostly be spending time with you! Unless you’ve neglected to mention that you live with them or that they’ll be providing childcare whist you are at work.

@TheSomething agreed, thank you!

@eish well as long as they're not forcing themselves upon them all the time as they do with our nephews, then yes hopefully! We'll be utilising either just nursery or a mix of nursery and my DM for childcare.

There are millions of parents world wide who were adamant about how they would raise their children before they had them only to find it all so overwhelming and tiring that they ended up doing whatever they needed to survive.

Just don't end up with egg on your face.

@Bigearringsbigsmile fair enough. I do appreciate your advice, thank you.

As long as they are safe then let them babysit once you're ready - might not be until your child is 3 or might be much sooner. It doesn't matter about parenting style as they're not parents they're just extra people to love and play with your kids. Just like the dinner ladies at school or the sports coaches might be different to you and your husband in terms of values and styles.
Don't over think this now.
What you SHOULD be worrying about is things like making a plan with your husband about finances and sharing the mental loud and domestic tasks and how you'll cope emotionally once baby is here

@Unexpectedlysinglemum yes, we'll definitely let them once we're ready, but they may not be happy with our timeline is the issue! The latter stuff you've mentioned is all stuff that's in hand between my husband and I, so not a concern.

Just make sure you and your husband are aligned and don't worry about them. Mu in laws have never seen my three without one of us in the room. I would never ask my husband not to see his family but safeguarding is the priority.
You educate your child, not them. Just keep your husband on board, be very protective of your marriage and any amount of in law stuff can sort itself out. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

@gavinandstaceychristmasspecial thank you very much!

I’m not saying your fears and worries aren’t valid- they sound a nightmare and not exactly the brightest- but I think you might be overthinking this and causing yourself unnecessary anxiety at this early stage. Choose whatever name you like and ignore their views. They are just mouthing off. If you don’t want them looking after your child then don’t. You don’t need a reason anyway, but it sounds like you have plenty! Is OH on the same page? If he isn’t you will need to discuss your concerns with him but I wouldn’t stress about this right now. If they don’t take much interest in you at the moment I wouldn’t be surprised if they lose interest a bit in the baby too once the novelty has worn off. You don’t have to have your child in the company of their cousins too much if you don’t want. But then again, you might find once baby is here you’ll have a better idea of what is a firm boundary for you and what you can be more relaxed about. Just enjoy this time and try not to let them annoy you.

OP I really see your point, but would encourage you not to burn any bridges just yet. You don't know how life pans out and you may be extremely grateful in the (not so distant) future for their help with your baby. I see how their parenting style may clash with yours (I say 'may' as you don't really know what kind of parent you are until you are actually doing it, and this may even depend on your child's personality etc), but who knows, in reality things may go better than you now can see or your child may love going over there, hanging out with the cousins etc. Also, you can't have it both ways ... On the one hand you don't want to be just the 'incubator', but on the other hand you want to ask your MIL to direct all her questions to your husband. On the one hand you don't want your child to sleep there (for years!), on the other hand you are not happy they have special bedrooms for their older grandchildren that your baby will have to share. On the one hand you say you adore them and on the other hand you say (imply) they are rather awful people who don't know how to parent. I say this kindly, because I do understand your overall frustration and they would drive me nuts too! But honestly I would take it easy and see how things go. If MIL gets too bossy (telling you what to name your child) then say 'dear MIL, you've had your chance and you've raised a great man, but now is our turn and we want to decide for ourselves. Please give us the time and space to figure things out ourselves'. Just don't upset her/them too much, I am being very practical here and you just don't know how you may need them in the future - no need to burn those bridges just yet. Best of luck OP!

Can I just say, please don't exclude your inlaws and favour your own parents. Both sets of grandparents will love your child equally.
My inlaws were fantastic, my boys had a really lovely relationship with them. Sadly they passed away last year.
my parents have 13 grandchildren (some are step grandchildren, but all loved equally) love extends further than your own four walls.
It sounds like your inlaws are very excited about the new arrival.
Also how would you actually feel if they reprimanded the grandchildren?
It's also great that your inlaws are quite relaxed, they might be more approachable for your child if they ever need to talk to another adult in the future.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy, that's lovely and I'm sure all of this from ILs is coming from a place of love. They can have all the ideas they like but once baby arrives you're in charge and it is easier than you expect to dismiss them or brush aside their demands. They want baby for a sleepover, well that won't work will it as she's breastfed. We're not going anywhere so don't need childcare but thank you for the offer. We'll pop round so you can have cuddles. If and when it gets to the point when you do need/want them to have her for a sleepover, she'll be about 3 so the two grandsons bedrooms they have may well have changed or really they should shove the boys in together as they shouldn't share with a girl as they all get older should they? I don't think any of this is something you need to worry about right now, and anything demanding from MIL just get your DH to answer. Relax, you soon won't have much chance to!

I'm a gm and dd1 and dd2 have very different parenting styles. They are going away together for the first time with dhs and dc and I'd love to be a fly on the wall. The gc are still very young so probably won't be an issue now but I remember mil letting my neice and nephew get away with murder. My dc did think it unfair their cousins were allowed chocolate/spaghetti bolognaise for breakfast/anytime and they weren't.

Well, you might.
Most of us have big plans before the PFB arrives.......

I think YABU to worry about their parenting style. They’re not the parents in this situation, they are grandparents and grandparents naturally do things differently. I don’t like how much screen time my MIL gives me eldest DS when she looks after him, but I do like the free childcare and I also know that it won’t do him any harm. If you’re not planning on asking them to provide any childcare then I really don’t see what the issue would be anyway as surely you would always be there when child is there.

You have to get used to the idea that everyone does things differently with children. You may find you change your own mind about what works as things go on, and you will most likely clash with your DH at some point with differing views on how to do things. Likewise when they go to nursery and school you won’t have any control over how they are interacted with etc. You’re going to make parenting quite an anxious journey for yourself if you are already stressing about this when baby isn’t born.

I also don’t get the issue with rooms - silly to have an empty room kept in case you have a baby. And your baby really won’t care that the name is on the room or not for many years. If you don’t want them to stay over then they don’t have to so again does it really matter that your nephews names are in the rooms?!

It is in the best interests of your child to have good relationships with their grandparents. It doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries (I.E no need to see them say baby is born, no sleeping over until you and child are both ready) but it does mean you might have to let go of the idea that people do things differently.

Oh and also just ignore anything they say about names. People just use it as something to talk about before baby is born. Once they are here and have an actual name that’s just who they become, doesn’t matter who does and doesn’t like it.

Honestly you really might. All the reading, classes etc in the world can’t prepare you for the reality of being a parent. And again your views and styles may change depending on what type of child you have (I think most of us parent DC2 quite differently to our PFB!!)

My brother and his wife used to give little sideways glances to each other over how we parented dd before they had children. When SIL got pregnant they had a very set notion on how they would parent and it was very different to how I did parent.

It was obvious they thought I was too relaxed (movable nap times, occasional late nights, travelling, didn't BLW, unable to BF (milk didn't come in), let dd stay at my mum's overnight when she was two (years, not months), and actually worked full time from dd being 18 months old. They judged what she ate (she ate nearly everything), that she was given a mobile during lockdown - only child, I was working from home... The list goes on.

I let them crack on - because I knew something they didn't...

Everyone is a PERFECT parent, who knows exactly what they will do and how they will do it, until they actually are one. Me included! And it literally changes as they change and grow too - because kids don't care what style WE plan to use, they teach us how to parent them, and that can mean a whooooole different style than you planned.

Despite B/SIL having had all those notions of my (allegedly) dodgy parenting, we do have a range of shared values, which has come through despite our different approaches and both our kids are doing great.

Dd is now 13, at grammar school, polite, kind, messy as hell, eats fewer things than previously but still eats a good variety, sleeps great, hilariously funny, and fantastic company. Also watches utter dross online.

DN - now 12, at a good secondary, but sadly (genuinely, as they would have loved to be in the same school) didn't pass the 11+, also very funny, mostly polite and kind, very picky eater (which B/SIL had categorically told me they wouldn't tolerate), and also watches absolute dross online (again, after I'd been told I shouldn't, and they wouldn't, allow it.)

The point is, you will have very clear ideas now about what sort of parenting style you want to follow - but until you are parenting, it is just an idea. You'll learn more from your baby than they will learn from you. As it is so changeable I'd suggest DH telling MIL that you don't intend for any sleepovers, but you'll let them know if/when you are ready.

And it's one hell of a ride, so enjoy it!

OP I get where you’re coming from. The whole TTC and pregnancy especially if you’ve not been well (I’ve had experience of this ) is hard and it can feel that everyone wants a chunk out of your precious baby before they’re here and that you’re somehow a bit powerless. Also I’m sorry for previous losses, it may be that your difficult road motherhood is playing into how you feel too.

Once baby is here as other PPs have stated breastfeeding is a good excuse to not have baby round to GPs until you’re ready but so is also “I’m not ready to be away from my baby overnight”, hopefully your DP can support you in this - if they take that badly then that’s on them not you and I’m pretty sure they will not want to fall out with you early doors. Safe sleeping guidance is baby is with parents / caregiver for 6 months anyway not another child so perhaps another excuse if you need one but as I’ve said above they need to maybe learn early doors that what has happened with other GC isn’t a given with this one and learn to deal with it. I appreciate it is a new dynamic - if you’re worried about how they will react perhaps start sowing the seeds now - and start dropping into conversation now how you’re not planning on any sleepovers immediately as you will want to recover in your own home and bf.

Regarding parenting style also agree with other PPs that even if they are different to you as long as not harmful this shouldn’t matter - kids learn that what happens in one setting isn’t always what will happen at home. I think you need to wait until baby is here first and see what interactions are like before you can decide what battles (if any) you pick. Again hopefully you and DP can be United on this which will make it easier.

As for this
“So in 3 months when this baby graces us with her little presence, and I then am... all of a sudden... 'parenting', I'll do a complete 180°?” - potentially yes! Everyone is different but I think mostly there are all things, even little things we think we are or aren’t going to do with our kids that can and do change, I’m not suggesting you will turn into your PIL but just say this gently so you don’t feel like a failure or set yourself unrealistic expectations if you have a very fixed plan of what is going to happen - they do say “when we make plans God laughs”.

I do wish you all the best with it all and congrats on baby- such an exciting time