AIBU to dread my in-laws becoming my child’s grandparents?

[moonmaker93]

A long one, but here goes…

Currently 6 months pregnant with mine and DH’s first child. I must preface this with the fact that neither MIL or FIL have taken any interest in me or the pregnancy, or offered any help while I’ve been very unwell throughout, so far, despite living very very close by.

In fact, throughout our 8 year relationship they’ve never bothered much with us as a couple.

They are only interested in things such as how soon they’ll get to see the baby once she’s here (their expectation is very clearly day of birth), what we’re calling her, etc.

They have two spare rooms which are assigned to each of BIL/SIL’s two children (decorated to their personal taste with all of their personal belongings; complete with names on the doors). MIL started loudly asking our young Nephews over their Christmas drinks/family get-together which of them would be “sharing” with our baby when they arrive, and who will have the cot in “their” room.

They’ve not once had a conversation with DH or me about whether we actually want our baby to stay with them when they arrive (we don’t - at least not for the first few years).

And, in honesty (although possibly controversial, as I appreciate it’s their house and they can do as they please), I was always a bit dubious about them assigning their existing GCs’ names to rooms - which they only did just this past year - when DH and I had always made it clear in our 8 years together we would like to start a family of our own after we got married, which was 2 years ago, as I don’t particularly want our child staying in “another child’s room.”

We had previously experienced a couple of losses, which they knew about, and personally this bedroom situation always made me feel that they thought of us as a lost cause; that they wouldn’t have anymore GC. BIL/SIL had made it clear they were done having children.

That may or may not be me being sensitive.

My in-laws swear, drink (not alcoholics, but very invested in drinking “culture”, shall we say…) and don’t model the best of behaviours IMO. e.g., encouraging the children to do silly things, such as get them to pretend to pour laundry detergent in adults’ mouths who swear for “a laugh”… I mean, that’s just asking for trouble with children who don’t understand the dangers of household products.

MIL has made loud comments in family company about which names we are “allowed” or “not allowed” to call our child, though we’ve made it clear we’re not discussing names with others.

She moaned about “having to wait” all because we found out the gender and BOUGHT them a cute little personal reveal teddy bear to give them that evening, instead of us just texting as soon as we found out.

They don’t put much emphasis on education (books, reading, music/crafts, educational play etc) or positive reinforcement, and honestly I just don’t feel their parenting style aligns with ours, which has me worried about the type of impact they’re going to have on DD when they’re here.

DH agrees that their style is not a match with ours, but he’s just a lot more chilled out about it, whereas it makes me a bit anxious. BIL/SIL’s children are quite highly strung, boisterous and allowed to do as they please without any repercussions from PILs. They are also given as much screen time as they desire.

I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t resent how the in-laws have made me feel like little more than an incubator for their son’s child so far.

AIBU to dread the impact they’re going to have, and to want to minimise this from the off? Very aware my hormones may be playing a part right now too, so would appreciate honest opinions.

Equally, any advice if anyone has had any similar thoughts/experiences? I’d like to start setting boundaries ASAP, but I don’t enjoy conflict!

So your Pil have a different approach to parenting than you do? Well, aren't you lucky they aren't the parents then? Your DC will encounter many types of people in her life I hope so I don't think she will be "damaged" by spending some time around your Prolo Pil.. You do come across like a snob pointing out their lack of culture and like for educational play. They are not her teachers so why would that matter as long as they are kind to their GD?

I love seeing posts from people who are not parents saying that they will have a specific parenting style.
Geez until you are a parent you have NO IDEA how you will parent. Plus you don't know what your kid will be like either.
You sound incredibly judgmental and some people will give their right hand off to get support from family. When you've had only broken sleep for 2 years running and not had a break from parenting as your kid cries constantly then you might value that break and want them to have a sleepover.
Before i had kids and in the early stages i had no idea what the fuss is about but ive been humbled by how hard parenting is and i'd never judge another parent until i've walked a mile in their shoes.
You say you don't like their lifestyle. So are you planning to never let your kid see anyone who you don't like. What happens when they go to school and have to hang our with people you would rather not mingle with will you shield them away from those people.

from your post it seems like you are anticipating attention from your PIL that you’ve not really ever had from them and you’re filling in the blanks and anticipating all the worse outcomes.
as long as you and your DH are consistent in your parenting, however long DD spends in grandparents care won’t really matter as inevitably what you teach her and the safety and routine you provide will overshadow anybody else’s input.
remain Polite and familiar without giving in to anything you don’t want to happen. Your husband should be the one to deal with any situations that arise and have a united front so as blame isn’t placed on you. You may find that there will be less occasions for this than you’re anticipating once they see for themselves that your parenting style is different to his sisters.

Hi OP. Congrats on your impending arrival!

I do agree with PP that you can't really have a parenting style until your baby is here and you're getting stuck in. Like others have shared in previous comments, I too was a bit judgy about the choices parents made with their children, before I had my own. I remember thinking on more than one occasion that I couldn't possibly ever do the things they did, what bad parenting! Spoiler: I ended up doing most of those things.

I also just want to say that whilst I get how overbearing they might seem to you right now, you are very, very lucky to have PILs who want to be so involved. I have lovely in-laws, but they aren't particularly invested in my DC's lives. I would love for them to ask to see my DCs for a single day! Let alone wanting to have them overnight!

Your little one is lucky to have so much love around her already. Good luck with it all!

The have your DH field messages is fine in theory but if you're the one on mat leave you'll be arranging things with them while DH is working.

Remember you can't control how they are, you can only choose how much you expose your child to them. There's a lot you can let go when visits are occasional or they're not doing regular childcare.

This is your child, so will only go where you want them to go.
If they do stay with grandparents when older, make it short time periods, e.g. one night, so anything that goes on will be easily stopped when you get them back.
As to the rooms - it might sort itself out - the other grandchildren will grow up and not want to stay so much, so a room might well become your child's sooner than you actually want....😅 X

Everyone is a PERFECT parent, who knows exactly what they will do and how they will do it, until they actually are one. Me included! And it literally changes as they change and grow too - because kids don't care what style WE plan to use, they teach us how to parent them, and that can mean a whooooole different style than you planned.

This absolutely nails it from @Azandme

There is absolutely no need for a young child to stay over with PILs who live very very nearby.
PILs can come around to babysit for you when you are both ready to go out for the night. So the bedroom issue is irrelevant. (Though strictly speaking the boy siblings should share leaving the other room for your DD)
I would advise you do not let your own DM do regular child care for you when you are working unless you will be happy for PILs to do the same. That way lies jealousy.
Keep GPs for sick days and school holidays. Nursery will always be sensible and follow up to date thinking (and will do as you ask). GPs may not.

I totally understand your concerns. I have been called overprotective by my in-laws and I suspect yours will do the same. I am horrified that they think it is funny to be pretending to drink laundry detergent with kids also I wouldn't let my child be left with people who were drinking.
Alot of people will say you are upright but with your baby you go with your gut and what you feel comfortable with. Don't let yourself be swayed into doing anything you aren't comfortable with.
I wouldn't wait for my husband to speak up, I'd answer my mil directly myself about anything baby related. Your husband might find it hard to assert himself with his mother.
My in-laws practically brought up my nieces and nephews and mine were just an afterthought. With yours already having designated rooms etc it might sadly be the same for your wee girl.
Best of luck x

This. We all had perfect parenting styles until we actually became parents and developed adequate ones... But I'm with you on the no sleepovers thing. It's about what your comfortable with. Speak up now. Politely but very firmly.

Call your child whatever you both want. And if your in-laws don't like, it's tough sh*t.

I agree with another poster in that you don't yet know what parenting style you will adopt. Don't burn bridges. But do not be afraid to set boundaries either.

These matters will bother you less if/when dc2 comes along. First time parenting is a nervous and anxious time and everyone always has something to say/add.

Remember, you and your DH get to make all of the decisions regarding your DD. All of them. The ILs can tell you what the think and what they want, but you don’t have to take the slightest notice if you don’t want to. Have a good chat with your DH to make sure you’re on the same page with everything and then relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. You are in control, not them.

I too have a nightmare MIL, I've always got on with my ex's mums so was a shock to me when my MIL was horrible with me before she'd ever met me, but the key thing is my DP and father of my children is amazing.

He's always made it clear to MIL that we are a package, when we had our daughter he just calmly and politely told her that we don't want her having the children until they're older (no one has had them) it took him repeating this on a few occasions but now she knows where she stands, we don't rely on her and she sees them regularly but she's not left alone with them. You have to trust the people you leave your children with and it's YOUR baby, they can say what they like but do what you feel is right.

No one of my kids have slept at gps either op, unless we were there.

Feels like a good time to consider moving house. Too far away for childcare to be feasible except in an emergency and a visit every other month or so.

Canada is nice too apparently

Thanks everyone, lots of really fantastic advice here! Much appreciated.

Thanks. Yeah, I don't think it's necessary myself; however, DNs live very close by too and they have sleepovers with them a lot, so unfortunately it's something they're used to. Worried we'll look like bad guys as they're so used to being able to with their other GC! On the childcare, though, I have to disagree. My DM volunteers one day a week, whereas MIL works almost every day, so it's just logical that my DM would help out and I don't think MIL would take offence by that, nor should she.

Thank you! Yeah, as other posters have pointed out, I probably am more anxious because my journey to motherhood has been a bit of a tough one - though I know it is for lots of people - but I do think stuff like the detergent is really daft and does worry me! To me that's not even parenting style (which I've probably incorrectly labelled it as) really, it's just common sense.

They’ve obviously raised their son well despite all their faults.

My in laws had a similar set up - one room very much done for the first grandchildren - but we weren’t living close so unlike the other two grandchildren who would stop over regularly.

As my two got older slowly the room changes as the older grandchildren don’t stay as much - so I wouldn’t see it as a if you do let them stay then it’s not sleeping in another child’s room. (In other words just push it out of the thoughts right now)

Let your husband lead the narrative /expectation's with Grandparents. For example in laws kindly got a pushchair for us - not cheap but very much linked into what they had got for their first GC - we kindly asked them to return it but if they could purchase a more all terrain one - which they loved and ended up living in their garage as a spare when the other grandchildren arrived. It was never a no but more guidance on asking us what we needed - it comes from a good place of wanting to help.

Parenting style - wait till the baby born and you have a toddler. Take the pressure off yourselves. (I’m saying this a mother of one co-sleeper and using a dummy….i needed sleep. )

Lastly my MiL definitely made me feel like an incubator at times! But I remember saying this to my husband and he said he often felt like a spare part from my parents. I realised it was just my MIL ways and she was scared of being pushed out.