Planned pregnancy but dad has now changed his mind

Elliemay96 · 2024-11-27T21:01:13+00:00

Me and my partner of 2.5 years agreed to try for a baby a couple of months ago. It happened really quickly and since finding out he has freaked out and says he never wants to be a dad. He says he made a mistake and said he would do it originally because he didn't want to lose me, as I said multiple times if he doesn't want children we should go our seperate ways. He is trying to tell me it's not fair on anyone for me to have this baby because he's not into it and a baby needs a secure 2 parent household. For the 2 months trying to conceive I was doing ovulation tests, taking vitamins, doing all the right things and was waiting for the magical moment I hopefully became pregnant. I keep saying I will not have a termination and he says I am forcing him into something. Honestly feels like my hearts been ripped out of my chest, I've said I'll do this alone with my baby but part of me feels guilty. Am I a bad person if I go against his feelings and do what I want?

Mrsttcno1 · 27/11/2024 21:09

I’m so sorry. Nothing and nobody can force you to abort a baby you want. It sounds like it would be the end of your relationship anyway, I couldn’t forgive a man who pressured me into an abortion, so your only choice really is whether you want a baby or not, you’ll be single either way so make that decision based on yourself alone.

The only thing I’d say is how long ago did you find out you were pregnant & tell him? I only say that because I know we were actively trying for our daughter, she was very much planned, but even I have to admit the day I saw those two lines on a pregnancy test it became very real and very scary very quickly, I know my husband felt the same. Granted neither of us didn’t want a baby even in that shock but it was really a “fuck, an actual baby is coming are we ready for this” moment- despite both wanting and trying for one. So if you’ve literally just told him and this is his knee jerk reaction, although it’s awful, maybe give him a few days to sit with it. The thought of pregnancy and a baby and the reality of seeing the test and knowing it’s coming can be very different.

Good luck x

Original poster

Elliemay96 · 27/11/2024 21:16

Mrsttcno1 · 27/11/2024 21:09

I’m so sorry. Nothing and nobody can force you to abort a baby you want. It sounds like it would be the end of your relationship anyway, I couldn’t forgive a man who pressured me into an abortion, so your only choice really is whether you want a baby or not, you’ll be single either way so make that decision based on yourself alone.

The only thing I’d say is how long ago did you find out you were pregnant & tell him? I only say that because I know we were actively trying for our daughter, she was very much planned, but even I have to admit the day I saw those two lines on a pregnancy test it became very real and very scary very quickly, I know my husband felt the same. Granted neither of us didn’t want a baby even in that shock but it was really a “fuck, an actual baby is coming are we ready for this” moment- despite both wanting and trying for one. So if you’ve literally just told him and this is his knee jerk reaction, although it’s awful, maybe give him a few days to sit with it. The thought of pregnancy and a baby and the reality of seeing the test and knowing it’s coming can be very different.

Good luck x

I found out on Monday so it is very fresh and I've got this slight hope he will come round but I don't want to feel further disappointment if he doesn't.

I will be 29 when the baby is born and I feel emotionally and financially strong enough to do it alone but never expected to go from day 1 of pregnancy alone it's a scary place to be.

Thank you for your reply it's been very helpful :) x

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 27/11/2024 21:19

You're not the one trying to force anything. He is the one who has changed his mind and is trying to push you into a termination.
Only you can decide if you want to be a single parent.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/11/2024 21:20

Maybe give it a week and see how things go, but after that start making plans so that you’re ready to go alone. For what it’s worth one of my best friends was in exactly your position, she was single for almost her whole pregnancy and although I have no doubt it was hard, all of us and her family rallied round her, she is an amazing mum to a very happy child and she always says she is actually glad it worked out the way it did rather than him stick around and then leave once the baby was born. Knowing where she stood from the beginning meant she could spend her pregnancy processing that, finding a house for her and baby, getting everything ready on her own so that once baby came she could really focus on them rather than be deep in the newborn trenches and then dealing with a break up and becoming a single parent x

Happierthaneverr · 27/11/2024 21:24

Ask yourself why you would put his feelings above your feelings when he has actively lied to you. You have nothing to feel bad about. He didn’t tell you and went along with it…what did he think would happen? No one has forced him into anything, he is the one who has been irresponsible if he never wanted to be a parent.

Honestly have your baby, move on with your life and take him for every penny you can because you’ll deserve it, doing the hard yards of raising a child because of his absolute ineptitude.

Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy!

fashionqueen0123 · 27/11/2024 21:24

He sounds delightful.

I agree with above poster start making plans to do this alone. He can’t expect to pop in and out of your life when he fancies it. Get his work details before you leave so you can claim child maintenance when the baby comes.

gamerchick · 27/11/2024 21:27

Your relationship probably won't survive either choice. I wouldn't abort a much wanted baby because some dickhead had a fancy to test his fertility or whatever reason.

Let him freak out. Focus on yourself. Can you maybe get a bit of space away from him for a few days?

Patienceinshortsupply · 27/11/2024 21:37

What a cruel thing to do to you. I think your relationship is dead in the water whatever you choose. You'll resent him if you terminate, and then what happens if he says yes again in a few years? That trust wouldn't be there for me.

He was an active participant in this. Not a bystander.

Molly2008 · 27/11/2024 21:42

How old is your partner this seems like a very selfish and immature way to behave.

Original poster

Elliemay96 · 27/11/2024 21:45

Happierthaneverr · 27/11/2024 21:24

Ask yourself why you would put his feelings above your feelings when he has actively lied to you. You have nothing to feel bad about. He didn’t tell you and went along with it…what did he think would happen? No one has forced him into anything, he is the one who has been irresponsible if he never wanted to be a parent.

Honestly have your baby, move on with your life and take him for every penny you can because you’ll deserve it, doing the hard yards of raising a child because of his absolute ineptitude.

Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy!

This is exactly what I've said to him and he says he knows but 'made a mistake' and wants me to rectify it for him??

He says to me it's nothing yet and the pills will get rid of it easily at this stage, also that I can have children in the future whereas this decision permanently makes him a dad and can't be changed. To me the whole thing feels very unfair to even be in this situation

OP posts:

Original poster

Elliemay96 · 27/11/2024 21:46

Molly2008 · 27/11/2024 21:42

How old is your partner this seems like a very selfish and immature way to behave.

He's 29😔

OP posts:

RedToothBrush · 27/11/2024 21:47

He's a prick. I'm sorry but dump him either way.

He needs to grow the fuck up. You made a serious joint decision and he thinks it's ok to just 'change his mind'.

I'd a good job I don't know you or it'd be broadcast to everyone who knows he's what an utter shit stain he is.

You deserve better than him regardless of what you decide.

Teacherprebaby · 27/11/2024 21:47

Elliemay96 · 27/11/2024 21:45

This is exactly what I've said to him and he says he knows but 'made a mistake' and wants me to rectify it for him??

He says to me it's nothing yet and the pills will get rid of it easily at this stage, also that I can have children in the future whereas this decision permanently makes him a dad and can't be changed. To me the whole thing feels very unfair to even be in this situation

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The fact that he is speaking to you like this is disgusting. He wants out of the relationship by the sounds of it. He's separating your futures by what you've said in your last post.

Anxioustealady · 27/11/2024 21:48

Hi OP, are you living with him? Are you able to kick him out or go back to your family?

Hohofortherobbers · 27/11/2024 21:49

I could never forgive this behaviour even if he comes round to the idea. Congratulations on your baby xx

RedToothBrush · 27/11/2024 21:49

Elliemay96 · 27/11/2024 21:45

This is exactly what I've said to him and he says he knows but 'made a mistake' and wants me to rectify it for him??

He says to me it's nothing yet and the pills will get rid of it easily at this stage, also that I can have children in the future whereas this decision permanently makes him a dad and can't be changed. To me the whole thing feels very unfair to even be in this situation

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Can you? What if you have complications? Or struggle to conceive again? Or don't find some you want to settle down with (because you shouldn't settle for this one).

His handwaving as if it's nothing is contemptable.

Has he got a crystal ball?

Wolframandhart · 27/11/2024 21:50

He has behaved in an appalling way. He was lying to you to stop you from moving on to someone who wanted the same thing.

Id end the relationship. He is bad news.

readyforroundthree · 27/11/2024 21:52

Your partner has the emotional intelligence of a cornflake and clearly thinks it's perfectly normal to act this way like it's suddenly your problem to deal with.
If you stay with him you will never forgive him, he's shown how deceitful he is and cannot be trusted. If you desperately want this baby and are prepared to go it alone then start putting plans in place. I'm sorry you are going through this, how awful for you.

fashionqueen0123 · 27/11/2024 21:54

Elliemay96 · 27/11/2024 21:45

This is exactly what I've said to him and he says he knows but 'made a mistake' and wants me to rectify it for him??

He says to me it's nothing yet and the pills will get rid of it easily at this stage, also that I can have children in the future whereas this decision permanently makes him a dad and can't be changed. To me the whole thing feels very unfair to even be in this situation

Show quote history

As if you’d want to stay with him after that!

Original poster

Elliemay96 · 27/11/2024 22:00

Anxioustealady · 27/11/2024 21:48

Hi OP, are you living with him? Are you able to kick him out or go back to your family?

He's gone to stay at a family members luckily

OP posts:

Anywherebuthere · 27/11/2024 22:00

How has he so casually changed his mind after you have become pregnant?

You shouldnt feel any guilt at all if you do have the baby.

But it's very possible the guilt will be worse if you don't have your baby. Most likely your relationship won't last after a termination if you feel forced into it. I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship with someone who pressured me into it.

You feel emotionally and financially. This baby is wanted and planned by you. That is such a good start. You can do this without him if you have to.

LostittoBostik · 27/11/2024 22:01

Do not abort the baby if you don't want to. You will never regret the decision to keep your child, even if your relationship has come to the end of the road.
I'm so sorry he's treated you like this. I wouldn't blame him if you couldn't forgive it and want to go for this solo anyway.

Original poster

Elliemay96 · 27/11/2024 22:02

Anywherebuthere · 27/11/2024 22:00

How has he so casually changed his mind after you have become pregnant?

You shouldnt feel any guilt at all if you do have the baby.

But it's very possible the guilt will be worse if you don't have your baby. Most likely your relationship won't last after a termination if you feel forced into it. I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship with someone who pressured me into it.

You feel emotionally and financially. This baby is wanted and planned by you. That is such a good start. You can do this without him if you have to.

This is what I keep asking him. He said it's now the reality that's made him realise he NEVER wants kids. To go from deciding to, talking about names, logistical aspects to then point blank never wanting kids makes no sense to me.

OP posts:

Poppalina37 · 27/11/2024 22:02

I'm flying solo with my one year old daughter after an unplanned pregnancy. Her father was awful.... he tried all sorts to try and get me to terminate. I didn't but knew either way the relationship was over.

We didn't speak until our daughter was 3 months old.... we did try to get along, possibly rekindle our relationship, but I guess despite everything pregnancy makes you vulnerable and he just left me. I just can't forgive that, I'm not sure that I ever will. I'm honestly not sure how he feels about this situation anymore.... it's mixed messages 😕 so I keep my distance.

I'm not sure what your history is..... we're in our 40,s..... but at 29 he's probably just bricking it x what I will say though... now that she's here, her father is here, present, having regular overnight contact and they are having a great time building a future together x so at least she has that x

Whatever you choose x no regrets xx Thinking of you xx

StormingNorman · 27/11/2024 22:03

“I said multiple times if he doesn't want children we should go our seperate ways”.

He’s an unforgivably weak excuse for a man, but he doesn’t want this baby. I think he was letting you TTC and hoping it wouldn’t happen.

The good news (if you see it that way) is that he probably won’t leave you now either.

I’m so sorry he’s ruined the start of your pregnancy like this.