Planned pregnancy but dad has now changed his mind

[Elliemay96]

Me and my partner of 2.5 years agreed to try for a baby a couple of months ago. It happened really quickly and since finding out he has freaked out and says he never wants to be a dad. He says he made a mistake and said he would do it originally because he didn't want to lose me, as I said multiple times if he doesn't want children we should go our seperate ways. He is trying to tell me it's not fair on anyone for me to have this baby because he's not into it and a baby needs a secure 2 parent household.

For the 2 months trying to conceive I was doing ovulation tests, taking vitamins, doing all the right things and was waiting for the magical moment I hopefully became pregnant. I keep saying I will not have a termination and he says I am forcing him into something.

Honestly feels like my hearts been ripped out of my chest, I've said I'll do this alone with my baby but part of me feels guilty. Am I a bad person if I go against his feelings and do what I want?

“Never wants to be a dad”? Has he booked his vasectomy then? (Rhetorical question. Clearly not as it might hurt).

Even if he was just say what he thought OP wanted to hear- that doesn’t mean she owes him an abortion!

He’s a very immature man. You’d be disgusted if he was your son.

Never said it did. It might help to explain why he has panicked so much at the reality of having a baby. He never really wanted one. When people want things, especially men, they say. The reason you don't hear a lot of guys going on about how much they want children is because they don't want them unless it gets them the "girl" they want.

This is such a valid point. OP, he is essentially breaking up with you, or rather, he's trying to get you to break up with him (AND hoping to pressure you into the abortion as well so that all ties and responsibilities are cut). If his stance is that he never wants children, but that you're free to have more children in the future, he means not with him. I.e. he's telling you to find someone else.

As others have said, your relationship is over regardless. Imagine you terminate now, and he does go back to "normal". Can you truly forgive him for that? What about in a year or two down the line when you still want children and he still doesn't? Don't waste the best years of your life with this waste of oxygen. Do not have the abortion if this is a wanted baby on your part. It sounds like you're more than capable of doing this independently (not alone - you will have friends and family rally round you).

Wow, what an absolute ar*ehole. So sorry you're having to deal with all this OP.

Firstly, I am very much pro-choice but please do not be forced into terminating your much wanted baby because of this man. The pain you will feel for the rest of your life if you do something so huge solely because someone else told you to is indescribable. It happened to someone very close to me in similar circumstances to yours who is now in their 40's and never went on to have another child so I have seen the devastating effects of this first hand.

Secondly, I think you know that this relationship is over now regardless of what happens. He has revealed his true self and I'm not sure how you would ever get past that. To play with your emotions like this and then gaslight you is narcissistic behaviour and you'll be better off without him.

Thirdly, you can do this. You sound like you're emotionally and financially secure, have a good support network away from him and you want this baby very much. You're going to make a great mum!

I'm so sorry @Elliemay96 . I hope you can work it out. Awful of him to do this. He probably didn't think it through .

Frankly anyone who says let’s try for a baby and then is shocked to realise you can’t just cancel the order is too stupid to live. Yes for some women abortion is the right choice, equally for many it is not and a man that can’t understand that you wouldn’t abort a planned baby is not relationship material. My suggested text is ‘everything about your decision making in the last couple of weeks has said both that you are incredible selfish and also pretty stupid to think I’d just abort a planned baby. I’ll be fine on my own, I love our baby already, but I will be claiming maintenance from the man who deliberately planned this pregnancy with me. Maybe that will help you grow up and realise life decisions come with consequences.’

I am very pro-choice, but a fertilised embryo is not “nothing”, an emotionally draining medical procedure is not “nothing”.
Your partner is a disgusting, immature excuse for a human being, to say such a thing to someone you love, a newly pregnant mother-to-be?
What a prince!

I feel for you. I can't believe he's done this.

If you have the baby he will still have to pay.

Have you spoken to both your families about this?

I wonder why the change of heart?

Are any of his friends dads and have put him off?

He gets the opportunity to walk away, yes - a shit thing to do, but he can do it anyway. What he doesn't and shouldn't get, is the opportunity to be availed financially! He is this baby's father, he knew that it took two to tango, hell he was an active participant in trying for this baby, and as such has responsibilities that he has to fulfil. If he won't do it willingly, then the OP can and should pursue him through CMS. He's not a "poor trapped and put upon man", he's this child's other parent and needs to stump up to ensure the child is provided for.

I'm so sorry he is such a piece of shit. Make sure you get all the child support you are entitled to from him. Maybe see if you can find a support group for other single pregnant women? You absolutely CAN do this- it will be hard, but not as hard as co-parenting with a waste of space man child.

If he has decided he doesn’t want this, give him options. Let him know he can walk away and you won’t contact him, or ask for money.

I've read some bad advice on Mumsnet, but this is possibly the worst. @Elliemay96, DO NOT tell him you won't ask for money! He absolutely has to pay child support for the child HE conceived with you.

End the relationship, move out and start planning to be a single mum. Tell him you won’t contact him, it’s all over.
he is nasty and immature- leave.

I'm so sorry that he's done such an abrupt 180. This is all on him. It is extremely unfair of him to say you are forcing him into something. Actually, the situation you are in is one that he AGREED to. This isn't an accidental pregnancy, or an entrapment. The only person trying to force someone into something is him, trying to force you into a termination!

He's right, it isn't fair - but what he clearly can't see is that it's his behavior that isn't fair, on you or the future baby.

I really feel for you. No, of course you are not a bad person if you go against his feelings and do what you want. Do you have family support? Have you spoken to anyone about this IRL?

He says he never wants to be a father , and that's his prerogative . But he willingly and proactively gave you a baby , and doing the act that ends with a pregnancy is what happens .
He can't blithely act like ' oops big mistake let's get rid ' and expect you to do just that .
If you want to continue , do so , either way your relationship is over anyway as he can't be trusted and it sounds like you don't want to be childless for ever .
Congratulations .

It's too late for him to change his mind. The baby is happening. And it's your body. Maybe it's just initial panic because he didn't expect it to happen so quickly.

He's a future-faker.

That may be OK if you're talking about going to Florida next year, before realising you don't have the money/annual leave to actually do it, but you don't future-fake about a human being 🤦🏻‍♀️

He told you he wanted a baby, he planned with you for that baby, the baby is now on its way and he now wants rid of it??

That's despicable.

He's a truly terrible person and you want him out of your life. If he's prepared to lie about this, what else would he lie about?

OP told him a number of times that if he didn’t want children it would be a deal breaker. He agreed to TTC because he didn’t want to be alone and probably hoping the baby wouldn’t happen.

The reality of his stupidity is now hitting home for him.

ETA: the advice from the poster isn’t what OP wants to hear but it is pragmatic and I think quite helpful. Consideration needs to go into what parenting alone looks like. And as a fairly young Mum there’ll be “blended families” to look forward to.

I’m pretty much just echoing other replies here but I’m also of the opinion that no one can force you to have an abortion, it has to be your choice, you are pregnant, no one else. It is very cruel that he knew you were both trying to conceive and agreed to these terms only to backtrack completely once you found out you were pregnant. I also could not forgive this reaction, given that it’s not just about him not being ready to be a father, it’s about the way he handles things and his emotional immaturity and his complete lack of empathy and care for you. I’m sorry you’re going through it OP.

the Relationship is over- he has been clear that something that for you is something you very much want- a child/children- is something that he will never want. On those grounds alone you are incompatible and I would separate.

he cannot force you to abort your wanted and loved baby. He chose to have unprotected sex with you knowing that you were not on contraception and that you could well become
pregnant. It also doesn’t sound like it wasn’t discussed in depth before.

It’s entirely up to you whether you decide to continue with this pregnant and go it alone or terminate and look to have children in future with a man who’s 100% on board. I’m sure you’ll make it work whatever you decide so it really is entirely your decision.

This won’t be a popular opinion but I’d strongly suggest getting married before TTC in future or for anyone else who’s in this situation. Obviously marriage isn’t a cast iron guarantee but it’s usually a pretty good indicator if a man is serious about having a family with you and prepared to stick around. Unfortunately a lot of men will bullshit women so they can carry on enjoying the benefits of a relationship, so I’d be making sure a man had put his money where his mouth is before I made myself vulnerable with children.

He says to me it's nothing yet and the pills will get rid of it easily at this stage, also that I can have children in the future whereas this decision permanently makes him a dad and can't be changed. To me the whole thing feels very unfair to even be in this situation

He thinks a woman who really wanted to get pregnant will see the embryo as ‘nothing’ and easily removed and not as a baby?!?
Thats not unfair. He is a twat (that’s me being polite)

He made the decision. He is taking the responsibility. No reason why you should be the one to repair the mistake for him.

@YaWeeFurryBastard for me the advantage of being married is the financial protection it gives the mother. All too often mothers see the income plummet (not the least during ML) and end up with very little if there is a separation.
Not worth the risk imo.

This is appalling. He's a weak and pathetic excuse of a man to have the temerity to do this - agree to try for pregnancy then biff out when it happens?? I get that it's happened quicker than normal therefore a bit of a shock but his behaviour is so horrible I could never look at the fucker again. Selfish, selfish, selfish. DO NOT protect him from public scorn on this - when your pregnancy progresses and people ask what happened with dickwad tell them -he planned a baby with you then tried to reverse out, because he'd changed his mind (not about you, about parenthood) and is feeling sorry for himself.

No decent woman could ever consider him partnership material again, even if they didn't want kids. It's honestly the most poor character thing I've seen on this site and that's saying something!

On a nicer note, congratulations! It will be tough but wanting a child is a great first step! Wish that wanker all the best in his career - he'll need it to pay plenty of maintenance.