Planned pregnancy but dad has now changed his mind

[Elliemay96]

Me and my partner of 2.5 years agreed to try for a baby a couple of months ago. It happened really quickly and since finding out he has freaked out and says he never wants to be a dad. He says he made a mistake and said he would do it originally because he didn't want to lose me, as I said multiple times if he doesn't want children we should go our seperate ways. He is trying to tell me it's not fair on anyone for me to have this baby because he's not into it and a baby needs a secure 2 parent household.

For the 2 months trying to conceive I was doing ovulation tests, taking vitamins, doing all the right things and was waiting for the magical moment I hopefully became pregnant. I keep saying I will not have a termination and he says I am forcing him into something.

Honestly feels like my hearts been ripped out of my chest, I've said I'll do this alone with my baby but part of me feels guilty. Am I a bad person if I go against his feelings and do what I want?

Thank you everyone for your replies it's really helped clear my head🫶🏻🫶🏻

I guess sometimes the damage in situations becomes too much and it's best to distance yourself for your own mental health. Pleased to here he is present in your child's life now, hoping the same would happen with mine one day

This. I would also encourage you to reach out for support throughout your pregnancy and after the baby is born. They will fill your world with a love and happiness you can’t possibly imagine right now.

Imagine this: you’re at dinner with your beautiful child in 40 years time. You’re reflecting on the wonderful life you’ve experienced together and the relationship you have. Their biological father, should he choose not to be in the picture, would be a dim and distant memory.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but I feel that you’ll be an excellent parent and this child is lucky to have you.

He made his decision when he ejaculated into you knowing there was no contraception - sorry to be blunt but deed done!

The time for him to change his mind was before he got you pregnant.

I wouldn’t put up with any of this shit. I’d be telling him in no uncertain tterms that he’s going to be a father, it’s not negotiable, it’s what he wanted so that’s all there is to it.

If he doesn’t want to have an active part in this child’s life then you can’t make him, but he will be playing a part in so much as that he will be paying maintenance, that too is not negotiable.

I’d tell him that he was the one who ejaculated, and that once a man gets a woman pregnant the man loses control over the rest of that outcome, presumably as an intelligent adult he knows that.

Oh, and you will ensure that his family at least know that he is the one who has chosen not to want a baby when he was instrumental in creating it.

I would also make sure that he knows full well that when his child comes looking for him in 18 years time, he’d better have a bloody good excuse for behaving the way he did, because you will be telling his child the truth.

He may not know what he’s feeling at the moment. Give him time but remember you started this pregnancy in good faith and he has NO right to ask you to end it because he’s changed his mind. You can do this without him if necessary. Take care.

He's utterly disgusting.

I’m not sure why you would hope that this twat, this utter asshole, this shit stain would play any part in your child’s life. I would be doing everything in my power to keep him as far away from my kids as possible. He is absolutely not father material and that is not what I would want my kid looking up to. Just remember if he ‘comes round’ to the idea and you guys get back together he will 100% throw it in your face during the hard, hard days and nights of having a newborn. ‘Well I didn’t even want this baby’ or ‘You’re the one that chose to have this baby’. Idiots like this are all the same and you and your child would be much, much better off without him. An absolutely pathetic excuse for a man, honestly.

What a foul excuse for a man. Your relationship will never be the same, whatever you decide to do, not after the things he has said. You choose what you want to do, your choice, but don't have an abortion if you don't want one. That way heartbreak lies - I'm speaking from experience nearly 40 years on.

It's so unfair of him to try and shift this onto you, don't let him absolve himself of taking responsibility for his previous actions by trying to make this a decision you have to make now. (I don't mean about whether or not you continue with the pregnancy, because that is very much your decision and is seperate from his feelings on the matter.) The 'decision that made him permanently a dad' was made by him when he actively tried to conceive a baby, not by you once the baby was conceived.

Sending a big hug. How often does he contact you? I think you should ask him to not contact you for a week and ask him to think about what he wants and give you a chance to do the same. Then agree to meet publicly (have someone nearby just in case) to talk about what the plan is. Hopefully if he is just having a panic he can come to his senses.
If he has decided he doesn’t want this, give him options. Let him know he can walk away and you won’t contact him, or ask for money. It will be as if the child doesn’t exist to him. If he wants to do this you should ask for a bit of money to get you started. Let him buy his way out. I think you should also let him know that if he keeps asking you to terminate the pregnancy you will go to the police and get an AVO.
I hope this works out for you.

Very happy to have sex without a condom - until consequences. This boy (not an adult man) has suddenly realised that this is how it happens and doesn't want the grown up stuff that comes with it. If he isn't there by 29 I think he's stuck in adolescent mode for good.

It may be the sad thing is that he just doesn't want kids - with you. And that later on there will be a family with someone else.

Or he may pull himself together and step up for you though I doubt it.

Trying to get you to terminate would for me be a relationship-ender.

He is still responsible for child support, however he may wriggle.

You've done nothing wrong! But it's also not uncommon to panic.

He may be serious about this. He may give his head a wobble and come back with his tail between his legs once the initial oh fuck what have I done has worn off. People who try for years and go through IVF freak out and think they've made a mistake when they get a positive test.

Ultimately give him space. A lot of it. If you hope for him to come round, it's best to give space because clearly his actions are upsetting you and until he settles he's only going to continue to act that way and damage your relationship further. Pushing him could cause damage to can't come back from (if it hasn't already!). If you think fuck this I'm doing it alone that's also fine!

He's a self-centred coward.

I'm sorry that he's putting you through this. Of course you should keep the baby if you want to.

So he "never" wants to be a dad but you "can have more in the future".
He's effectively ending the relationship whatever you decide.
You can leave him out of the equation.

If you do terminate please don't take him back. He's shown you what sort of person he is. Take some pills and pretend it never happened - your planned and wanted pregnancy? Fuck off !

No advice but this is just absolutely heartbreaking.
someone with such little respect for life probably needs some sort of counselling.
How incredibly stupid of him not to have been able to think through the wider consequences of this.Immature and selfish beyond belief.

Wow...he really is a shit, isn't he!
You do not owe him anything. He went into this with his eyes open, agreed to it all from the beginning and is now acting like a poor, hard-done-to victim.
Tell him it's over, have your wonderful baby and take the bastard for everything he's got.

I can have children in the future whereas this decision permanently makes him a dad and can't be changed.

So he's your ex then? What a controlling, immature loon. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and on getting rid of the wrong man for you.

Keep your baby and leave this absolute bellend. Honestly you hear some horror stories about men on mumsnet but this is one of the worst.. pressuring you yo abort a baby you planned to conceive together. I can't believe you even still give him the time of day. Please don't stay with this man. He is deeply narcissistic and lacks empathy. Get out now and raise your baby alone. Any man who can try and tell you that aborting a child you'd planned to conceive together is 'nothing but taking a couple of pills' and by keeping it you are 'forcing him to become a dad' is borderline a psychopath.
This has made me so angry. I hope you find your anger too. Nothing he is saying to you right now is reasonable or decent.

He really is a shite. Your both 29 and have been a couple for 2.5 years. You both discussed having a baby before you started to try and get pregnant. Why did he agree to this rather than telling you I am not interested in becoming a father?

Did he think that it would take you longer to get pregnant?
Did you ever talk about getting married at any stage? Did he say to you why don't we try for a baby if you brought up marriage?
Did you bring up having a baby or did he suggest this first?

So you found out that your pregnant and he told you I don't want to be a dad. He wants you to get an abortion. Do you really want a baby with this waste of space?

Your 29 and once you have this baby it will be your responsibility because he won't want to see them and you have to deal with the CMS to get money off him. What happens if this child ends up with special needs and needs a lot of care which means you have to cut down on hours of work or give up working?
In your situation I would have an abortion and tell him that your relationship is over.

I know this is a horrible situation but at 29 you have time to meet a better man. I would be honest that you want marriage and a family moving forward.

If you decide to keep this pregnancy I would tell him that your relationship is over. However you will be ringing this parents and telling them that your pregnant. You will tell them that
unfortunately their son despite you both planning this pregnancy has now decided he does not want to be a father. I would ring all his friends as well and tell them the same.
Along with this you will be in contact with the CMS and he will be paying towards his child.
My feeling is that he won't want this to become public knowledge and his parents and friends won't be to impressed either.

His reaction is pathetic, OP. If he really didn’t want a baby, he’s a weak liar who said yes because he was afraid of losing you - but agreeing to create another human isn’t a decision that you can just renege on when it happens.

I hope he realizes that he’s being an idiot and wants to be a good parent, but I wouldn’t rely on this happening. If you want to have the baby, go ahead on your own.

Having a child is the most magical thing you can ever be given. It'll give you strength you never thought you had, if you decide to go it alone I promise you'll be ok. Do you have support family and friends who can be there for you?
My partner was alittle different, he knew I wasn't on anything I stopped taking the pill we decided if it happens it happens wasn't tracking my ovulation etc. he kept saying we aren't ready for a baby etc but the minute he saw the positive test he cried and since that day has been the best partner and dad to our baby girl, she adores her dad such a daddies girl well she's 14 months now!! It's a-shame he can't see past the negatives at the moment and enjoy the little bubble with you
You seem strong enough and I have every faith in you you'll be ok

Don't even feel an ounce of guilt for him
How dare he put this on you now
If you terminate you will grow to absolutely HATE him with resentment
You can do this on your own like millions of other women
He's disgusting

When you met, did he ever express an independent desire for children or was it something you said you wanted? Was he looking for a partner who specifically wanted kids?

Even if this had been an accident this would be appalling behaviour
I could never forgive him for this even if he 'changes his mind' again