Feeling pressured to have a termination

[Bond94]

Just found out I’m pregnant with my 4th child and my kids currently being 4,3 & 2. I was shocked when I found out as it wasn’t planned. My other half is determined for me to have an abortion and has said that if I continued with the pregnancy he’d walk. I don’t think he would but I can’t help thinking that he would if that makes sense - I’ve had issues with haemorrhaging all three labours and have been advised to have another would be extremely high risk. All the people I have spoken to have advised that having a termination is the right thing to do to the point where I’ve booked appointments at a clinic but I can’t help feeling I’m doing something wrong. I’ve always said that everything happens for a reason and that god wouldn’t never give you something that you couldn’t handle and have always said I’d never have a termination. I’ve just started a new job which I love and my kids are now at school and preschool full time. Yes financially it will be hard but I’m so undecided and feel like I’m agreeing to that termination because everyone around me is telling me it’s the right decision …. What do I do?

Only you can know what is right for you and your family. I don’t believe anybody should ever have a termination they don’t want, but maybe think about it differently just for a minute and think about the impact it could have on the family you have? Personally if I had 3 young children and I was told that my next pregnancy was high risk of a haemorrhage I don’t think I would take the risk of leaving my children without a mother, but that’s just me personally and how I would feel.

If your partner is saying he would leave then personally (for me) I wouldn’t be staying with him anyway, that would be relationship ending for me whether I have the baby or not. So at that point for me I’d be thinking about whether I could cope being a single parent to 3 young children and a newborn?

Completely agree with the above. The medical risks alone, and the thought of potentially leaving three young children without a mother, would make this a very easy decision for me, though I accept it won't be as straightforward for everyone.

Are doctors saying that this pregnancy puts your life at risk? In that case please terminate for the sake of yourself and your existing children. Or your DH might have no wife and four children.
If it could be born safely eg by an early elective c section then do what you think is best knowing that you might be a single mum or coparent.
Have you got life insurance?

If your partner is that against having another baby then perhaps he should have thought about using protection or getting a vasectomy.

That's by the by now though, I personally agree with the pp. Your situation and the health risks involved would seal the deal for me.
It's still a big decision but I. Do think you have to put your living children first in this situation

Thank you everyone.
All they had told me is that if I got pregnant again due to how close my previous pregnancies were and the complications with the last birth, it would be a high risk pregnancy with constant monitoring especially during labour.
I am trying to think with my head and make the sensible decision but everytime I confirm the decision, I just get all these thoughts of guilt and shame y’know. I feel completely alone in this decision and surrounded by everyone’s opinions abo it what I just do yet no one has asked me how I’m feeling about it all. I have the appointments booked and have elected for the surgery as opposed to the tablets due to the risk of haemorrhaging.
I know what I need to do it’s just having the strength to go through with it knowing I’m going to be reminded about it all the time if that makes sense. Thank you everyone for your kind words.

I have been in exactly the same position. 3 young children; unexpected pregnancy; possibility of my death as a result.
I chose to terminate as ultimately the thought of leaving my children without a mum and my partner alone (maybe with a new baby) overruled my hormonal longing.
And it was a real longing. Even on the day of my surgical termination, I sat on the ward seriously considering running away to keep my baby.
I don’t, and never did, regret my decision, but I felt the loss for some time.

Firstly your partners response is really really shitty. I’m assuming this isn’t an immaculate conception and he played just a big a part of this pregnancy? No matter how scared he is, to threaten to walk if you keep the baby really does say a lot about him. No matter what your decision, I would seriously consider your future with a man who does this in your time of need.

Secondly, only you know if you want to continue with this pregnancy. It is your decision alone as the person carrying the baby. I’m 100% pro choice but please take some quiet time to sit with yourself so you can think clearly about what you want to do. No decision is the wrong decision but you must be at peace with it before proceeding either way.

Regardless of the situation, I'd be reconsidering my relationship with someone who have me an ultimatum over having an abortion.

But personally, given the medical concerns, I wouldn't go ahead with a pregnancy like this. But that's not really relevant to you, as it's your decision. Abortion providers like BPAS offer counselling if you think it would help to have someone neutral to talk about it with?

I take it you are very religious so struggle with this decision. I understand that, but
'everything happens for a reason' is just people trying to accept horrible things that happen.

God doesn't send more than you can handle - same. But think about it. Women and babies have died in their millions at childbirth, and continue to do so, thankfully rarely now in the UK. But those situations weren't a case of whether the mother could 'handle' what was sent, were they.

You should only have an abortion if it’s what you want. Nobody else, not even your husband can make that decision for you.

However, he has made his position clear and you’d need to carry on with the pregnancy in the expectation of being a single parent.

Wishing you well with whatever you decide x

A relative of mine terminated for medical reasons. It was the right decision for her but that still didn't mean it was an easy decision. In the fullness of time she knows it was for the best of reasons and it was one of those times when she had to prioritise her own health and wellbeing over that of a potential child. Knowing all of this there have been times when it has been hard to sit with the decision the first few anniversaries hit her. Knowing it's in your best interests doesn't mean you have to find the decision easy.
Do you have any counselling options? It feels a bit like it might be useful for you to be able to speak to people less invested and with someone who's feelings you don't have to be factoring into the decision

Whatever you decide I'd be telling your bloke he doesn't get anywhere near you again until he's had the snip. Horrible person.

I’ve got a counselling session on Friday and then my consultation Monday but they’ve said that the procedure won’t take place until the week of the 28th October.

I don’t now how to feel or what to do y’know. I’ve always said I’d never have one but now I’m in this position I just feel lost

everything happens for a reason and that god wouldn’t never give you something that you couldn’t handle

these are just platitudes to absolve you of making a decision you don't want to make. Plenty of people have children they can't handle or have other things happen that ruin their lives. If you want to believe that everything happens for a reason that's fine but it objectively doesn't. You need to make a proper decision not just shrug your shoulders and say 'what can you do'

Your partner is a knob.

That aside, there is nothing to feel guilty about. Having a child against medical advice is a huge risk, and you have not your own life to think about, but your 3 precious young children. Is another baby really worth potentially leaving them without a mother?
And if you want to talk God - I believe what a PP says that ‘He wouldn’t give you more than you can handle’ is a cliche. That isn’t in the Bible. What IS in the Bible is that God will be with you and won’t let you stumble or fall (that doesn’t mean he will remove all suffering but it means his quiet presence will be there, even if you can’t sense it).

If everything happened for a reason and “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” then why have I had several nervous breakdowns? Why has my son been given far more than he can handle several times (as a child)

it’s a wonderful idea but mothers DO die in childbirth, in the UK, even today. You need to make the decision that’s right for you but, if it were me, I’d think very very carefully before taking a risk that could leave my current children motherless.

I think your husband has been an arse saying what he did but perhaps he said it out of fear for your health rather than a desire not to have another child.

If there was a good chance I would be leaving 3 small children motherless then I would terminate, they need to come first. I think your partner is having a knee jerk shock reaction, yes it was shitty to give ultimatum over this but if your last labours had issues where there was possible risk to your life he could be processing a bit of trauma linked to that and that could be why he came on so strongly. Only you will know what he's truly like as a partner and husband and if he has form fir acting as he has. But either way he needs to get booked in for a vasectomy right away, this wasn't an immaculate conception.

It sounds like you really do need to go for this termination- think of the DC you already have and how they're going to cope if you die in labour.

Why is he a horrible person? They’ve had a discussion and he’s said how he feels. He is allowed an opinion on having another child.

@StormingNorman

because his time to decide if he wants more children or not is before having sex, not when she's pregnant. Threatening to leave her & their 3 children if she doesn't have an abortion!!

You need to do what you think is right for you and your DC's. Personally if it was putting my health at risk I would probably go through with the abortion as I'd want to make sure I'm fully there for the 3 current kids, however it's easy for me to say that when I'm not actually in the situation. Whatever you decide I hope it all works out

Sending hugs. I also had an unexpected 4th pregnancy though I chose to have the baby and wasn’t under the same sort of pressure as you. It was also a high risk pregnancy and closely monitored birth though due to previous haemorrhaging, being unable to deliver the placenta and large babies. As it turns out, the actual birth was the best one of all 4 - supervision by a whole team, my first epidural and all in all a wonderful experience compared with the other 3! All I’m saying is, it isn’t necessarily all doom and gloom with regard to the birth, especially if you really carefully weigh up your options and become quite insistent with the care staff. Your husband is another matter though. I suggest you have a chat with him, explain how you’re feeling honestly (because it doesn’t sound like you actually want a termination) and go from there. Ultimately, though, don’t do anything that you’re not happy with - a termination is not something you should get to people please, you have to want it for yourself or you will regret it and possibly become resentful.

Totally this.
There are only 3 factors that are important here, and that is the 3 existing children. They should take priority over anything else.

Obviously, it's your decision, but you are asking peoples' opinions.

If by "God won't give you more than you can handle," you won't die, that's simply not true, or there would be no women dying in child birth.

You have three kids, the doctors are telling you it's very high risk, and your partner will leave you if you have a fourth. I would recommend it.

However, none of that makes it anything other than your decision. Best of luck, and I hope you make the choice that's right for you.

Are the hemorrhaging risks addressed by a planned c-section?