Feeling pressured to have a termination

[Bond94]

Just found out I’m pregnant with my 4th child and my kids currently being 4,3 & 2. I was shocked when I found out as it wasn’t planned. My other half is determined for me to have an abortion and has said that if I continued with the pregnancy he’d walk. I don’t think he would but I can’t help thinking that he would if that makes sense - I’ve had issues with haemorrhaging all three labours and have been advised to have another would be extremely high risk. All the people I have spoken to have advised that having a termination is the right thing to do to the point where I’ve booked appointments at a clinic but I can’t help feeling I’m doing something wrong. I’ve always said that everything happens for a reason and that god wouldn’t never give you something that you couldn’t handle and have always said I’d never have a termination. I’ve just started a new job which I love and my kids are now at school and preschool full time. Yes financially it will be hard but I’m so undecided and feel like I’m agreeing to that termination because everyone around me is telling me it’s the right decision …. What do I do?

I was going to say this.

So sorry you are in this position OP.

It sounds like the risk to you is key here and I would contact midwifery to get more information from obstetrics to allow you to be fully informed. It may be that there are options for you that can reduce the risks.

May I suggest that you look forward to the counselling session? It is a counselling session, not the procedure itself.

Explore everything with the counsellor. The ‘what ifs’ if you do and don’t go through with the pregnancy. Even the stuff you don’t want to talk to your husband about. And don’t hold back. They are trained for this.

Make your own mind up in your own time. Just please make sure you do what is best for you and your children. Your husband may not like it but realistically he had his say at the time of ejaculation. Now it’s up to you. 💐

Edited to add - I’ve now read through the other comments and I think it is an excellent idea to speak to a midwife or doctor about what ‘high risk’ means for your specific situation.

Put your DH to one side for a while.
Is there a genuine risk that this pregnancy/birth could leave you at risk of being unable to care for your existing children until they are adults? If so, that's the reason not to. And if so then I so understand your DH's concern, because you're putting him at risk of becoming a single dad needlessly

Only you can make that decision. Your husband is being an arse but maybe he is scared as well. You could loose your life leave 3 children without a mum possibly 4 children. Platitudes like those you said do not help and only confuse putting off making a decision. You have been told it’s high risk to have another pregnancy. I would take the advice and terminate you have 3 children to leave them with no mum would be awful.

Honestly if I were you I’d get a termination. Your children are extremely close in age and I think you need to talk to your partner about getting the snip, your body has done enough work already. I’m going to be generous and say he freaked out but tbh I would loathe DH if he treated me like that, it’s shabby.

There are multiple good reasons not to continue the pregnancy, he can communicate that without threats. It’s not the right way to treat someone.

He doesn’t want to raise another baby. This is his position not a threat. He is allowed to not want another child. OP is allowed to want one. But it’s only fair that OP knows if she has the baby she will possibly be raising it as a single parent.

Should he pretend everything’s fine and then desert her after the birth? Now she has the chance to make her decision with all the facts.

The phrase 'God doesn't send you more than you can handle' is a good way to dig deep for extra resilience when the going gets tough, it's a helpful idea at times.

But it's not body armour.
And sometimes it makes you feel at fault if you aren't coping, because surely this is your allotted level of struggle threshold.

So, it's a man-made concept that might be comforting but I wouldn't factor it into your choice.

When someone lovely dies early for a tragic reason we say 'they were too good for this earth and god took them early'...

There are devout people all over the world dying for all sorts of reasons every day. Some avoidable and some not, some too young and some not. Some for health reasons some because of the folly of man.

Listen to the medical advice, listen to your husband, listen to yourself - heart AND head.

It's not good your DH is threatening to leave, but I can have some sympathy if you're high risk, he must be terrified.

Not easy and I wish you the best whatever decision you make.

Got my counselling session booked for this morning. I do have a little doubt about whether I’m doing the right thing by going through the termination and I’m hoping they will be able to talk me through everything so I’m prepared if that makes sense

I hope your counselling goes ok today. Take care x

How did it go? How are you feeling this evening?

Sorry you are in this position OP.

Have you spoken to your partner about the possibility of him having a vasectomy? If he is so certain that he doesn't want any more kids (while you sound potentially open to them) would be consider a vasectomy so that you aren't pressured to undergo another termination in the future if contraception fails or is not used?

I hope it went ok. Do budget for more counselling sessions if you think it will help you, whatever decision you end up with.