Feeling pressured to have a termination

[Bond94]

Just found out I’m pregnant with my 4th child and my kids currently being 4,3 & 2. I was shocked when I found out as it wasn’t planned. My other half is determined for me to have an abortion and has said that if I continued with the pregnancy he’d walk. I don’t think he would but I can’t help thinking that he would if that makes sense - I’ve had issues with haemorrhaging all three labours and have been advised to have another would be extremely high risk. All the people I have spoken to have advised that having a termination is the right thing to do to the point where I’ve booked appointments at a clinic but I can’t help feeling I’m doing something wrong. I’ve always said that everything happens for a reason and that god wouldn’t never give you something that you couldn’t handle and have always said I’d never have a termination. I’ve just started a new job which I love and my kids are now at school and preschool full time. Yes financially it will be hard but I’m so undecided and feel like I’m agreeing to that termination because everyone around me is telling me it’s the right decision …. What do I do?

They didn’t say but I’d imagine that they would advise I have one should I continue so they have a bit more control but it would be something I’d have to discuss with them should I continue with the pregnancy

These were my thoughts too. God apparently doesn't care about millions of women and children that die in childbirth or shortly afterwards, or get cancer, or get hit by a drunk driver or a thousand other traffic deaths. Why would you be special and spared?

I'd terminate as I would be thinking about my children who need me. And I'd be telling not asking "d"h to get a vasectomy pronto.

Or always double up on contraceptives going forward - confirms AND pill/implant/coil. No one method is ever 100% even when used correctly. And it sounds like you are very fertile.

tragic deaths not traffic
condoms not confirms

<launches phone across room>

OP has equal access to contraception. We are past if the point of holding them individually accountable.

Holding her responsible for their joint contraception failure and threatening to leave her rather than facing the joint problem together makes him a horrible person.

OP I feel for you having to make this difficult decision. Make sure you get counselling before and after if you do decide to terminate.

I didn’t catch where OP said he was holding her responsible? I also didn’t catch the ‘threat’. Just that one partner in the marriage expressed an opinion.

You can separate for any reason or no reason at all. Is he supposed to suffer in silence for the next two decades?

The difference being that OP would potentially look to keep this baby with the right support.

He doesn't want another child full stop and has threatened to leave 3 other children because of it!

It may be a moot point because now it's happened but he should absolutely be using protection if he feels this strongly about it, regardless of 'equal access'

You don’t know he wasn’t using contraception.

I think it's a fair assumption that no contraception was used here but, you're right, maybe they were just in that small percent where it falls

Probably. Given neither of them wanted another child you’d assume they were both taking precautions.

It's clear the father didn't want another child but I haven't seen OP say that?
Unplanned yes but not unwanted from her point of view (unless I missed that)

If you are having unprotected sex and not planning a baby, you are both equally at fault. You cannot pin this on the husband being horrible.

They got into this together. They need to decide what to do next and they may not agree. It doesn’t make anyone horrible.

Sorry, but threatening to walk out on 3 other young children because of something you are jointly responsible for if you don't get your own way is pretty horrible behaviour!

How far along are you?
Attend the counselling session. Make sure you talk it through first, especially if it's a medical abortion that can be performed at home. I had one of these once with no prior counselling session and it was so rushed. It was the worst decision of my life. I couldn't live with the guilt afterwards.
However, the pregnancy wasn't a risk to me. This is something that needs to be considered.

Attend as many appointments as you need to before making a decision. Just please don't rush it like I did 🥺 and don't be forced into it if it's absolutely not what you want.

Pregnancy and childbirth kills people. God won't give you something you can't handle? How about telling that to someone with terminal cancer.

You have every right to want this baby, to have this baby. But know what you are risking. What is the chance of this killing you? Is it worth risking leaving a 4,3 and 2 yo without a mother to attempt to have a 4th?

Lots saying your partner is a dick. To be honest I don't think he is. You see your 4th baby. He sees watching his partner bleed out and raising 3 very young children alone. He can't imagine why you would risk your life with this, he can't support it. The same way a loved one can't support their drug addicted love ones as they spiral to the bottom and their death.

This. The ops already literally said he wouldn’t actually leave. They’ve got 3 extremely young children and the op has nearly died multiple times with every childbirth, and has been told not to have any more. If threatening to leave is what it takes for the op to not end up dead and leaving 4 children motherless, then he has all my sympathy for saying that

Your partner is probably scared of being left with 3 very young children without you to help with raising them and having you as his partner. He's going about it the wrong way but his fears are valid.

Contact your GP surgery and ask to speak to a midwife- see if they can put you in touch with a consultant to go through the risks. There is also a post birth midwife who can call you and go through the last birth and advise what would be monitored and why during this pregnancy so you will have all the information to make an informed decision.

If you go through with this under pressure without making peace with your decision you could make yourself unwell mentally. You have time. Take a step back and make the decision that's best for you with all the information.

Be kind to yourself OP. All the best with whatever decision you decide is best. Sending hugs

So he's offering to have a vasectomy is he?

@StormingNorman

yes, she has equal access to contraception (& yes, you'd think by now they'd have worked out what causes pregnancy!)

but HE IS an asswipe to threaten to leave her & their 3 children if SHE doesn't have a termination. If HE feels this strongly HE doesn't want anymore children HE can have a vasectomy.

@StormingNorman

3rd line of OP

My other half is determined for me to have an abortion and has said that if I continued with the pregnancy he’d walk

hiw did you miss that threat??

No woman should be forced into a termination she does t want . It could set up a lot of mental health issues in the future. But you need to be more careful with contraception in future.

@JanefromLondon1

oh of course, he's just worried, bless the poor man.

FFS

threatening to leave her with 3 small children & a newborn. Perfect way to show his concern.

poor didums could use his words in the very unlikely instance this is actually the reason.