Did your DH sleep in the same bed as you after you gave birth?

[waitingforit2]

I sent my mum a photo of our bedroom this evening as DH and I have set up the next to me crib as I am due this coming week. DM sent me back a message saying she was astonished that DH would be sleeping with me, saying that baby and I would ‘need our privacy’ and that I ‘wouldn’t want DH snoring next to me.’

DM also said a few days ago that she thinks she should stay with us when we get back from hospital ‘as there are some things that DH won’t be able to do.’

DH will have a month of paternity leave and is very much looking forward to being hands on. He’s been really helpful, brilliant in fact in this pregnancy, so I am not sure what my DM means?

Anyway, I was just wondering if it is strange for DH to stay in the same bed after giving birth?

No. It is not strange, it’s normal. My DC are 33 and 28, so I expect your DM is younger than me.

I’m not sure what she means either! Does she generally have quite old fashioned views? Does she think you shouldn’t breastfeed in front of him or something?

Also not sure what she’s referring to about some things DH won’t be able to do… sorry no idea! All being well you won’t be needing any kind of personal care that you can’t do yourself. (Washing stitches etc).

To be honest my DH did spend quite a bit of time in the spare room to get some undisturbed sleep so he could take the baby at other times and I could have some sleep. But we slept in the same bed also.

I’d never considered he wouldn’t? My DCs are 21 and 18 and it was never questioned when I had them.
There were no privacy issues! Blimey, this is the man that created the baby, I can’t imagine what could be more private than that.

Sorry but it's your mother who is being weird here ! I suspect your mother is trying to create a situation where she can have more involvement ( control). My mother said/ did similar things with my first and second, made out that dh would not be capable of helping out, would be more of a hindrance ect..Don't let her take over is my advice, mothers can be a nightmare!

She is late 70s, I do wonder sometimes if she looks back as to how things were for her and thinks life is still the same?

I have no idea what she means by privacy issues either.

Oh actually she did say that ‘personal care’ is something DH ‘might not be able to do,’ but DH has literally seen it all before?!

Hmm okay, thanks all.

I think the thing is that she is desperate to be here and to stay here once we are back from hospital. But DH is starting to get a bit annoyed with the comments she’s making as he feels she’s implying he can’t/ won’t/ shouldn’t step up.

Yes, exh stayed in our bed. He had just started treatment after being diagnosed with MS & wasn't working, he helped with night feeds & trying to get ds to sleep as he wouldn't sleep in his cot. I needed him there as I was very poorly after nearly dying having ds.

Do you want her to stay when you get back from hospital?

I am worried we will have very different views on how to do things, and DH feels that she will try to ‘push him out.’ She can be very set in her views on how things ‘should’ be done. Such as the voice message earlier saying there’s no way that she would have DH sleeping in the same bed as I will need my privacy!?

I’ve said to her to give us a week or two before staying (obviously she can visit in that time, but I think staying might be a bit much at first).

If she lives close enough that she can visit for the day why does she have to stay overnight? I'm just a few years younger than your mum and it was absolutely normal when I gave birth for the mother and father of a newborn to sleep in the same bed.

It sounds like she has boundary issues. You need to have a frank discussion with her once the baby's here and you've recovered from the birth, because it does sound like she's belittling your husband's contributions and that is disrespectful of him and your marriage.

Omg she sounds like a nightmare! She definitely has views from back in the day but also sounds jealous of your dh. She obviously wants more involvement but sounds so overbearing. Grandparents have no legal parental rights and you letting her visit is more than enough. I would put my foot down and say no way to her staying overnight. It's weird and unnecessary, you don't need her assistance!

Yes my DH stayed in the bed and was a great help, I would have felt lonely during the night feeds without him. DH did however move into another bedroom when DD was about 10 months old as it just worked better for all of us, he is still in his bedroom now 4 years later.

It's been almost 6 years since this was me, so maybe my memory is a bit fuzzy around the specifics, but I've got no idea what type of 'personal care' your DMum thinks you're going to need. I had an EMCS, was home within 24 hours and still managed to take care of myself perfectly well. DH also slept in our bed.

She thinks DH should stay in a separate bed to you to give you some privacy then in the next breath wants to come and impose on you when you’ve just given birth! Makes no sense.
Your DH has paternity leave so I personally wouldn’t have her stay (at all!) in that time, that’s the time for you all to bond and adjust to new life.

No. I had a c sec, every movement was painful so I didn’t want DH jiggling the bed. We stayed with DM the first week too which was bliss!

But that was my choice, do what you want to do.

It very much depends on your relationships with both mother and partner. I personally wouldn't have wanted my mum with me when naked/changing my maternity pads, in labour, having midwife checked my stitches ect. But couldn't have cared less about my DH. I am a midwife and some men aren't up for any of that and go faint at any blood ect. Or don't actually help with anything.

I care for some women that their mums are literally watching me suture their perineum and the woman doesn't care. Are full on naked. Sometimes it is cultural or just the relationship you have with your mother. There is no right or wrong.

But it sounds like your mum will be one to push out your DH who wants to be involved. I have seen that a lot too and it isn't fair. It is OK to put your foot down.

Did your DH not mind that he wasn’t spending time with his child?!
OP she will be into EVERYTHING if you let her stay and interfering no end- I think you are doing the right thing

Due baby 3 in a month me and DH have always and will this time slept separately until baby goes in their nursery. It works for us he's a really light sleeper runs a stressful business and does a lot of driving in a dangerous job so honestly it makes me feel better he's getting a full night sleep also means on his pat leave he will get up and totally deal with the other girls and take them to school/ nursery/ playgroup in those first couple weeks as I'm having a section. I have always BF so he can't help in the night rh way I see it is only need be one of us awake all night. Like I say we are both happy with this set up if I wasn't I'd definitely say/ change it.
Try and keep your mum away initially don't let her take over your DH's job

DH slept in our bed 1-2 times a week for the first year. During the week he slept in the spare room to get a better night sleep if we thought I could cope .
He took turns or joined me when DC unwell or at weekends

I had a home birth and DH stood and held a torch for the midwife while she stitched me....all thoughts of privacy after that were superfluous 😂

Don’t let her stay at all!

That uncomfortable feeling you are having, that’s a ‘gut instinct’ you need to start listening to that. No explaining or reasoning, just go with what it is telling you.

You could invite her to stay overnight after dh has finished paternity leave, frame it "I'll really need you then" (you might!). That will ensure you get the first month as a nuclear family. (She could come for day visits before that).

No DH stayed in with us. We had the spare bed ready to go so we could sleep in shifts if necessary but I think we only used it once or twice.

I didn't need any personal care either (both slightly complicated c sections), and DH was more than able to do anything that was required.

Could your mum come for a day visit to meet the baby right away, and then come stay once your DH is back at work? You could paint it as that being the time you will need help, end it might give you some breathing room for his paternity.

I'm the first to say the newborn phase is awful (), my first was a really difficult baby. But two adults to one baby is still more than enough!

We were in a one bed flat when DD was born. He stepped up and did a lot especially as he could see and hear what needed doing. I had a C-section so not having to wriggle out of bed to do every change myself was great. DD was up every hour and a half and wanted to sleep breastfeeding. He helped get us through these things.

Hmm she sounds controlling. I would have to agree with your husband that she will likely push him out and put him down. There's nothing that she can do for you that he won't be able to. Your husband should be put before your mum, as it's his baby too - providing that he is going to support you!
And I would have been absolutely lost if my husband did not sleep next to me. He helped hugely during the night in every way.