Did your DH sleep in the same bed as you after you gave birth?

[waitingforit2]

I sent my mum a photo of our bedroom this evening as DH and I have set up the next to me crib as I am due this coming week. DM sent me back a message saying she was astonished that DH would be sleeping with me, saying that baby and I would ‘need our privacy’ and that I ‘wouldn’t want DH snoring next to me.’

DM also said a few days ago that she thinks she should stay with us when we get back from hospital ‘as there are some things that DH won’t be able to do.’

DH will have a month of paternity leave and is very much looking forward to being hands on. He’s been really helpful, brilliant in fact in this pregnancy, so I am not sure what my DM means?

Anyway, I was just wondering if it is strange for DH to stay in the same bed after giving birth?

I think your mum is probably thinking of when she gave birth. Men were not always present at the birth and didn’t generally help with new babies as they were straight back to work. Mums were supported generally by female relatives or friends and “women’s stuff” was not discussed in public! Gently encourage her to stay after DH returns to work but please do let her visit.

My children are 4.5 and almost 1. With both children I came home about 3/4 hours after birth and due to the time of day we pretty much went straight to bed together.

Had DD1 right at the start of Covid. No visitors allowed. We were absolutely fine.

After DH has seen you give birth I can't imagine what she thinks he can't help with.

My Mother was there when we got home the second time (looking after DD1). It was 1am, they had a quick cuddle with baby and left us to it and came back the next afternoon. I see no need for her to sleep there unless you feel you want her there. My mother is almost 70 and has never mentioned anything like this to me x

My husband slept on the spare room not because I needed my privacy though that’s just odd! I just needed my space for night feeds and I pumped for the first bit so wanted my pump on his side of the bed so I could just put it on without much effort at 3am. I also had terrible night sweats post partum and having him in the bed made me feel worse and hotter.

Once he was back at work he stayed in the spare room for quite a while as I was really worried about him not getting enough sleep and driving to work.

Now baby is 8 months he’s in the same bed again.

It's normal for a husband to share the bed with his wife after the birth. He's there on hand, when you need his help and support. I can't think what 'little things' your Mum could mean!!! Your husband has seen you naked, watched you give birth, there's not much more intimate than that!!! I suspect husband's sleeping away from a wife that had given birth was probably common, many many years ago, probably in the 40s/50s! The wife's Mum helping, again was probably common, as the Father would be at work. It's a rather outdated opinion.

I think I agree with you, I imagine it is hard for her to realise that the world has moved on now with the introduction of paternity leave. I feel as though she must have always envisioned her coming to stay and be my ‘nursing maid’ in the early days, and she feels as though she has been pushed out by DH.

I have said that she can come to stay once DH is back at work. She is absolutely more than welcome to visit; in fact, I have really encouraged her to come and visit at the hospital but she says she doesn’t want to as it would be overwhelming having to leave at the end of visiting hours and it would be ‘on her mind all night’ once she got home.

No, it's not strange.

We did this with my first, but it only last around a week. Only because the baby was waking up all night and neither of us were getting sleep. Got to the stage where we were both losing the plot, so I moved rooms with the baby and we would do the nights in shifts.

Apart from that reason, I can't see why you wouldn't sleep in the same bed.

And yes, I do think once DH is back at work, the option is there for him to go in the spare room to get more sleep, but while he’s on paternity leave he can ride the midnight feeding rapids with me! 🥱

I think you have made the right call and I think you will need to have good boundaries when she visits you at home. Her comments about visiting you in hospital imply it's all about her wants and not your needs.

DH slept in our bed with me for sure because I needed the help!
my DM came to stay with us and was a godsend. She had her own room and never intruded - if you have a good relationship with your mom take the help. I cried everytime she left 🤣

DH and I were both sleep deprived but that is normal! Why he would get paternity leave to sleep and relax I don’t know… it’s all part of it…

maybe you dm is being old fashioned? My dh did everything i needed, passing me pads, doing the nappies, first bath together etc. whilst my DM was there to help with ensuring we were eating, hydrated, house was tidy, she also helped me with my latch which I needed so much which I suppose dh couldn’t help with

I have really encouraged her to come and visit at the hospital but she says she doesn’t want to as it would be overwhelming having to leave at the end of visiting hours and it would be ‘on her mind all night’ once she got home.

She sounds like she's going to be quite intense when the baby comes.

Shes bonkers. Of course my dh slept in the same room

The time you most might value help is when your DO goes back to work. Could she come then?

If your mum is late 70s then when did she give birth? I mean my oldest is 35 and I'm 68, and there was nothing odd about new parents sleeping in the same bed then! Her reaction does seem somewhat strange.

Not strange at all. My DH did sleep in spare room sometimes during the week once he went back to work, if baby was not settling, which I was fine with. I don't know why you'd want her at the hospital, we're not even announcing baby news until we get home, and told parents we want a week on our own first.

Dh and I very rarely share a bed as his snoring can be pretty horrific, but yes, when we got home from the hospital we absolutely could not sleep in the same room, I was horrifically sleep deprived and his snoring made it even worse.

Agree with pps, your mum sounds a bit over invested and it’s very much about her need to be needed.
i found it hard to hold boundaries when I was exhausted so be firm now, and discuss with DH too so he can be bad cop if needed.
we always shared the same bed. By the time we’d got to DC3 I’d often wake up to a bed of five!
I wonder if she means changing your pad etc. DH did mine, and managed to not look too nauseous…

Also I got lonely on long night feeds and would often elbow DH awake to talk to me 😂

Yes DH slept in the same bed. We had a routine where I breastfed our babies in the night then handed them over and rolled back over to sleep while DH changed nappies if needed and resettled!

I think you are going to have a nightmare on your hands!

It's none of her business tbh. You sleep wherever suits you and results in the right amount of sleep for you all. Depends a bit on whether you bf or bottle feed. Whether dh is a lorry driver etc.

She obviously wants to be involved but you'll need to be firm about it being your baby and your choice about how to handle things. I suspect she might also think old fashioned ways of not picking baby up too much, following strict routine, dieting from the off etc are best.

As your DH is keen to do his share, I’d recommend you keep your DM away for a few days at least, or you might have drama around you as DM tries to shoo your DH away from the baby and do things her way.

@Aussieland I should have been more explicit - DM has a large property, DH came with me he just slept in another room. Occasionally with the baby as I wanted to sleep. I didn’t breast feed so no need for me to be there for every feed. It was only for a week. I was a week in hospital so utterly exhausted.

She probably thinks he'll be squeamish about the bleeding/ maxi pads aspect of things.

What does she mean by personal care? You will be perfectly capable of seeing to your own personal care needs. Or does she mean babies personal care- which men are very much involved with these days. It sounds like a generational thing, from when men stood outside the room waiting for baby to be born, then went back to work. But even then, I’m sure they still shared the bed. It all sounds extremely old fashioned, just tell her she’s being silly.

I think she's saying whatever she can to get her foot in the door.
DH stayed with me in the bed and supported me with the baby, especially with our first as we were learning and experiencing everything together.