Did your DH sleep in the same bed as you after you gave birth?

[waitingforit2]

I sent my mum a photo of our bedroom this evening as DH and I have set up the next to me crib as I am due this coming week. DM sent me back a message saying she was astonished that DH would be sleeping with me, saying that baby and I would ‘need our privacy’ and that I ‘wouldn’t want DH snoring next to me.’

DM also said a few days ago that she thinks she should stay with us when we get back from hospital ‘as there are some things that DH won’t be able to do.’

DH will have a month of paternity leave and is very much looking forward to being hands on. He’s been really helpful, brilliant in fact in this pregnancy, so I am not sure what my DM means?

Anyway, I was just wondering if it is strange for DH to stay in the same bed after giving birth?

Totally normal to sleep in the same bed as your husband after birth - if he doesn't it'll be harder for him to help with night wakes etc!
I know that some people choose to cosleep & want more space for that so husbands sleep elsewhere, but the people I know who did that it was only for a few months.
But generally you want your husband there to at least support you during night wakes.
A month is a great amount of time to have off and if you think your mum will make comments that affect your husbands confidence in becoming a new dad then I would definitely consider only having her come to stay after he's gone back to work.

I'm kinda wondering where DH was supposed to sleep instead.

I also wonder who was supposed to do 'personal care' instead.

I wonder just how much use a woman in her late 70s is going to be in this situation if a man in his 30/40s can't cope with the lack of sleep.

Or what consideration for privaccy she's giving you in terms of her desparation to stay with you.

Just don't let her stay. Its a receipe for total disaster.

Ah that sounds much nicer!

In the nicest way, it sounds like she’s going to be a complete nightmare when the baby arrives so you really need to set her expectations now. Firmly set them.

Also confused as to what personal care she thinks you’ll need, I’m sure there are cases where it’s required but the vast majority don’t need any, even after c-sections etc. You just kind of get on with it plus that’s more what your husband is for than your mum is!

One bed flat. We all slept in the same bed, when dd2 came along despite having a 2 bed flat we all were in one bed

I think it is best to make expectations clear now and to stick up for your DH to her now as otherwise she will be making out he is useless and can't do things properly.

Even if there was personal care you needed help with (not quite sure what she means) surely the father of your child who was involved in the conception is a more comfortable choice to help you than your mum.

I mean I'm close to my mum and would be ok with her seeing or helping me with that stuff if I had no other choice but I'd be a million times more comfortable with DH who regularly sees everything anyway.

I'd be concerned that she is going to try and push him out. Best perhaps to ask her what she means when she says these things and correct her?

She's going to find it impossible to visit you, her daughter, in hospital, because she's going to be upset about leaving? Fucking hell. What a self-centred cow. Good luck, OP. You're going to need it.

I have really encouraged her to come and visit at the hospital but she says she doesn’t want to as it would be overwhelming having to leave at the end of visiting hours and it would be ‘on her mind all night’ once she got home

If she can't leave you in a hospital with professionals to supervise and support you, how is she going to leave you alone in your house after visiting?

Don't let her stay with you even after DH goes back to work. Suggest daytime visits to start with and see how you get on. If she moves in it will be much harder to make her leave.

One of our happiest memories is that first night at home all cuddled up together.....

Yes, because to be honest it wouldn't have crossed my mind for him not to, and also we didn't have a spare room so it'd have been the couch.

My mum also wanted to stay to help out because she'd found that so helpful when her own mum stayed when I was born, but as pp said, there was no real pat leave so my dad was straight back to work.

She didn't come until dh went back after his 2 weeks, and then booked herself into a local guesthouse for a week bless her because we had no space to put her up. I really appreciated it, but she was also exactly what you would want from a not taking over and telling you the 1970s way was better point of view.

I gave birth during lockdown and my mum suggested that she could spend her days watching us through the front window.
I flat out refused stating "it isn't a zoo animal" a phrase my dad then repeated every time she brought it up again.

My partner slept in the spare room on the days where he had to be up to work at 5am just so that we both got as much sleep and didn't disturb one another. There was one night when he wished he was in the spare room as he was woken at 2am with breast milk squirting him in the face after the breast pad on my non feeding side fell out.

I'm not sure what privacy she's referring too - the post partum bleed or the breasts being out for feeds. If she mentions it again I'd ask for specifics and tell her you will be fine you've been handling your own personal hygiene for X years but rest assured partner is more than up to the job of being there.

DP and I are planning to stay in the same bed! I’ll be feeding and he’ll be changing nappies as agreed

It sounds like she’s trying to drive a wedge. Of course your little family of 3 should be sleeping together, and looking after eachother.

If you have a supportive, competent husband it’s a wonderful time to spend the early days and weeks together in your little bubble.

Don’t let her push your husband away so that she can create a role for herself- she sounds like she needs firm boundaries in place, for all of your sakes.

Your mother is batshit, take no notice.

I have seen this happening hundred times on MN threads so just saying already now that you need to be firm and have boundaries in place with your mother. You, your DH and your baby come first. Your mum has different views to yours but how you want things to be is how it goes.

I have really encouraged her to come and visit at the hospital but she says she doesn’t want to as it would be overwhelming having to leave at the end of visiting hours and it would be ‘on her mind all night’ once she got home

This is really weird - and kind of manipulative?!

She sounds like she's jealous, and wants to be as involved as she physically can - to the point of shes refusing to see the baby in hospital (which is the earliest she possibly could) because its not on her terms and she will have to leave.

This is really weird behaviour OP, i know shes your mum but this is not normal!

My Nan (85) makes comments to me that she thinks its wonderful how involved Fathers are these days as when she had my Mum, women were expected to do everything with the baby - Infact my grandad once kicked up a fuss because my dad gave me and my sister a bath!

You need to keep your mum in check though, i can see another thread coming from you in a few months times that your mum means well but is too over bearing - set your boundaries now!

My mum is in her 70’s. Apparently she’d breastfeed in private as dad didn’t like seeing her do it.

She also believed being naked was essentially a ‘green light’. My parents always got dressed in the bathroom.

bonkers.

Never heard of a husband moving out of the bedroom. What I am surprised at is her expecting it. I'm 62 but had my kids in my 40s (don't try are 19 and 21 now) yet even then it wasn't a given that your baby stayed in the bedroom with you. Neither of mine did and no one batted an eyelid at that.

I agree it must be a generational thing, my baby is 5 months old now and there wasn’t a single thing my husband didn’t or couldn’t help with, right from midnight feeds to checking my episiotomy stitches to make sure they were okay, to literally holding me up in the shower and washing me clean. I mean I’m sure he didn’t enjoy most of it, and probably wouldn’t have been excited about it, but he really did do everything and then some to be there for me/us!

Is your baby a little girl ? I'm wondering if your mum is thinking it's not appropriate for your DH to change her nappy, clean her etc ?

I guess if your mum is late 70s that's fairly old for just becoming a grandparent (if this is her first) - maybe that's why she has quite out of date ideas.

Initially when I saw your post I thought you meant did people's husbands/partners join them overnight on the hospital ward!

I had my first nearly 30 years ago now and whilst we had the spare room set up we all slept in the same room most nights, even when DH went back to work after his 2 weeks paternity leave.
DC1 was bottle fed and on their first night home I slept in the spare room and DH did all the night feeds! To be fair at this point I hadn't slept for more than a 30 min stretch at all for 4 days, and was not very well at all, at least after a good night's sleep I was able to function and start to sort myself out.
I didn't need my mum for personal care, however she would pop round most days to help out, but she just stayed as long as needed and then went home again.

Are there things husbands aren’t meant to do? 🤔😅 My husband caught a blood clot the size of a large chicken breast as it fell out of me when I stood up the morning after I gave birth 😅 TMI? Can’t imagine my mum having done the same to be honest 😂😂

In your situation @waitingforit2, I’d be quite conscious of DHs feelings here. I’d be expressing to mum that she’s more than welcome to visit but nobody will be staying over until DH returns to work. Let him experience everything without having to deal with his MIL elbowing in!

Yes he did, he also took a turn sleeping downstairs with DD in a Moses basket so I could sleep.
I don't think there was anything DH couldn't have done- unless she means if you need help with washing, walking to the loo etc? I didn't but DH would have helped me if I needed it.
He managed buying me more maternity pads without being traumatised 😂

Asking her to come after DH has gone back to work sounds best, say you'll really appreciate her help then (and to be fair you probably will)