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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

He doesn’t want our baby

67 replies

Hazelchange · 09/09/2024 06:34

My partner and I have been together a year. He has two kids from previous relationship. I am pregnant with my first, I’m 36, he’s 38. We have a really good relationship and a super little bubble. The kids are onboard, the family is happy, our friends are over the moon but he is struggling with it. He has explained that he doesn’t want it, doesn’t love it etc. It’s caused a wedge for sure and he’s admitted that he’s started resenting me. States he loves me but not baby. I’m 6 months in and am trying to encourage him to see that it’s not the end of the world. I’m failing mostly. He states he wants me but not my package, I’ve explained that he can now only have me and baby too.

I so respect his views but the hardest bit has been that both of us knew this was a risk. We both took it and since finding out, some days he’s been up, some days he’s been down. Some days he is my partner and some days he’s almost like a cruel stranger. It’s been rather nasty at times if I’m honest. Words hurt.

Do you think we can fix it? Anyone willing to share their experience? Thank you xx

OP posts:
MovingMad87 · 09/09/2024 06:44

I'm unsure as to why he doesn't want the baby? Was this an unplanned pregnancy? Were you using contraception?

Original poster
Hazelchange · 09/09/2024 06:48

Thank you for replying. He said it will just ruin our life. That was it. Some days he’s on board and then he states he’s been faking being onboard. We weren’t using anything. We both knew about that. Irresponsible I know. X

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 06:50

I think it’s a really hard one because he shouldn’t be being cruel to you, but there’s no rule that says he has to be excited about the pregnancy if he has genuine concerns for example about whether you have space for a baby, can you afford a baby, pregnancy and birth is tough, how will life look with a baby etc. Those things are all relevant concerns that I think everybody thinks of at some point, but taking it out on you when you both took that risk is not okay.

sel2223 · 09/09/2024 06:54

He states he wants me but not my package

'YOUR package'? It takes 2 to tango my friend, as you said he knew the risk as much as you did. As long as you didn't secretly trick him somehow then he has no reason to be like this. At 38 he knows exactly what can happen if he has unprotected sex!

What was he like at the beginning when you first found out? Was he onboard then and he's changed as time has gone on and it's become more 'real', or was he against this from the start?

At 6 months pregnant I think I would have to be clear that me and my package are one. There is no one without the other.

Only you can say if you think it's fixable or not in the long term but it's certainly not if there's only one of you trying to fix it! Plus there have been things said and done now which will be incredibly hard to forgive and forget.....are you going to hold onto a lot of resentment for his actions? Will this be brought up in every argument? It's not a healthy environment for a baby is it?

Mumdiva99 · 09/09/2024 06:56

I don't know where you go from here. Apart from it's not OK for him not to be nice. If he can't be nice you need to be alone.
Maybe he will come around when baby is here. Maybe he won't. But you should move forward as if he won't.

(Could it be anything to do with his previous experience? He went into that I imagine positive and it ended badly. Yes he has his kids but maybe not in the way he expected his family to be. Is he worried if he falls in love with the baby he may get hurt again?
Or is he really just selfishly not wanting the work of a new baby.....you know him best. But whatever look after you.
Hindsight is great but it wasn't really a sensible plan to have a baby with someone so soon after their relationship ended.....At the end of the day though that isn't all on you. He knew what unprotected sex means....)

WorkCleanRepeat · 09/09/2024 06:57

Oh dear. I think I'd feel the same in his shoes to be honest but I wouldn't have been so irresponsible with contraception.

What Is his suggestion about a way forward? I think I'd probably leave if I were you. Especially as the relationship is only a year old.

Original poster
Hazelchange · 09/09/2024 06:59

Thankyou. He was against it from the day I told him. Then he came around, then changed, then came round, then changed, the bought nursery stuff, then changed again. It’s inconsistent for near enough every week. It’s heartbreaking and super scary. We have no financial issues and thankfully both healthy. We’re very lucky in that respect. X

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/09/2024 07:00

You were both trying to conceive 6 months into a new relationship when he’s already got two kids. You got what you wanted I guess, pretty pathetic of him to start moaning now. You didn’t get pregnant by yourself. I wouldn’t have put up with his bs for so long. If he doesn’t want to be with you now dump him. He’s not going to suddenly come around and he’s the type to refuse to get up in the night as you wanted the baby. I’d cut my losses tbh, enjoy the baby you wanted, claim child support.

sel2223 · 09/09/2024 07:02

@WorkCleanRepeat 'I think I'd feel the same in his shoes to be honest'

What does that even mean?

He's 38, in a relationship and having unprotected sex. What did he expect to happen? The OP hasn't done anything wrong.

offyoujollywelltrot · 09/09/2024 07:03

I'd prepare yourself for divorce if I were you. Bit blunt I know, but unless something miraculous happens and he suddenly changes his mind, this is only going to get worse.

sel2223 · 09/09/2024 07:04

Hazelchange · 09/09/2024 06:59

Thankyou. He was against it from the day I told him. Then he came around, then changed, then came round, then changed, the bought nursery stuff, then changed again. It’s inconsistent for near enough every week. It’s heartbreaking and super scary. We have no financial issues and thankfully both healthy. We’re very lucky in that respect. X

Is this what he'll be like when baby is here too??

I'm a dad, I'm not a dad, I'll play with you today, now I'm ignoring you, I love you, I never wanted you, I'll help, I won't help.

This could be so damaging. I know it's easier said than done but I think I'd start preparing to do this on my own.

TriciaMcMillan · 09/09/2024 07:08

offyoujollywelltrot · 09/09/2024 07:03

I'd prepare yourself for divorce if I were you. Bit blunt I know, but unless something miraculous happens and he suddenly changes his mind, this is only going to get worse.

Reasonably sure they aren't married.

Original poster
Hazelchange · 09/09/2024 07:08

Thankyou all for your replies. I’m very grateful for surez He’s a fantastic father to his children and he’s always been a very supportive partner regardless of how long we’ve been together. We’ve always had a very strong communication network between us since I’ve been pregnant, It’s like I’ve become an alien to him . I am scared and I do really want the best for everyone especially baby. X

OP posts:
TinyYellow · 09/09/2024 07:13

You’ve only been together a year. It makes sense for him not to want a baby at this point considering he has two older children to consider.

You are kidding yourself about the older children being happy about this.

sel2223 · 09/09/2024 07:15

TinyYellow · 09/09/2024 07:13

You’ve only been together a year. It makes sense for him not to want a baby at this point considering he has two older children to consider.

You are kidding yourself about the older children being happy about this.

Wow, some of the responses on this post are wild! If he didn't want another baby he shouldn't have been having unprotected sex! He's 38 years old, I'm pretty sure he knows how this works by now!

OP hasn't mentioned the ages of the other children or how long he has been separated from their mother. You have no idea how they feel about it!

Original poster
Hazelchange · 09/09/2024 07:18

@TinyYellow i understand your skepticism, they want to help me paint the nursery and have been buying her outfits, talking to my tummy. I’m very close to them. They are 11 & 16. X

OP posts:
GuestFeatu · 09/09/2024 07:20

Send him away to live elsewhere until he's decided he wants to get on board. And if he never does then at least he's out of your face.

I literally can't understand the thinking behind having unprotected sex 6 months into a relationship without discussing what you would do about a pregnancy but you've both been as stupid as each other. I suspect you felt your biological clock ticking and were happy to have the chance to get pregnant which means you have to accept that you rushed this with someone you didn't know properly. What his motivation was is anyone's guess - probably laziness and entitlement and an assumption that you'd happily terminate if you got pregnant? Regardless you've both made a situation that you have to deal with and having him get out of your space is a good start.

Aussieland · 09/09/2024 07:24

This was basically a planned pregnancy, 6 months into a relationship. Both of you were irresponsible but it’s too late now and he needs to man the fuck up and get on with it or he is going to have zero relationship with his baby (and traumatise his 2 other children who appear to have been drawn deeply into this)

Mickey79 · 09/09/2024 07:28

What conversations were had around the fact that as a couple you weren’t using contraception ? Pregnancy was going to be the inevitable conclusion. His children are older and he most likely felt that he was done. He should have had a vasectomy. Raising the baby alone will probably be less damaging through childhood than feeling unwanted by a parent.

AncientAndModern1 · 09/09/2024 07:29

Is he thick? Does he really think he can ‘have’ a pregnant woman without her baby? Or does he want you to have an abortion at six months? You need to be super clear that you aren’t going to terminate your pregnancy regardless of his feelings. He doesn’t have to ‘love’ an unborn baby - I think that’s a bit weird tbh - but he does need to put up, shut up or ship out. Regardless of the foolishness of trying for a baby after only six months, you shouldn’t be stressed by having to listen to all his ‘scary’ (as you admit) destabilising and upsetting stuff about not wanting the baby. The baby is coming whether he wants it or not. He might benefit from counselling on his own as at least he won’t be dumping his feelings on you. Or you could get counselling together. .

crumblingschools · 09/09/2024 07:39

@Mickey79 will still be unwanted by the parent though. Yet another child being brought into the world without any thought about their well-being. Why weren’t you both using contraception in such early stages of a relationship?

sel2223 · 09/09/2024 07:46

crumblingschools · 09/09/2024 07:39

@Mickey79 will still be unwanted by the parent though. Yet another child being brought into the world without any thought about their well-being. Why weren’t you both using contraception in such early stages of a relationship?

Oh get off your high horse. How have you reached the conclusion that OP isn't thinking about her babies well-being? What an awful comment.

I fell pregnant unexpectedly within months of a new relationship starting. DD1 is now 4, we are married and I'm now 11 weeks pregnant with baby number 2. Falling pregnant early in a relationship doesn't give this man child an excuse to act this way, nor does it say anything at all about the OP or her thoughts and feelings towards her unborn child.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 09/09/2024 07:52

a year into a relationship 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

why did neither of you use contraception??

Sounds like you wanted a baby and he didn’t - his kids are old enough to make him feel he perhaps didn't fancy going back to the nappies stage…in which case he is a fool for not using any.

As a woman, unless you want to be in this situation - why would you not????

sel2223 · 09/09/2024 07:56

So much woman-shaming on MN

arethereanyleftatall · 09/09/2024 08:08

Op, I think it's unlikely that he will properly come round, and thus you should start preparing for bringing your baby up alone.

I know some fathers who feel like this initially do come round but I think that's more when it's their first. The fact that he already has tweens will mean he is very unlikely to want to start again. To be blunt, I have teens and whilst I love my children very very much, when I see pregnant women I just feel sorry for them with how much work they have ahead of them. I don't think there are many people wanting to do it twice.

Your difficulty is what to do about the step siblings assuming the two of you will no longer be together.

This has all happened far too quickly, I know you know the pregnancy was an irresponsible accident, but even meeting his children, you're only one year in, that's too soon.

I think you need to have a very very difficult conversation with him about what to do practically for the best.