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Original poster

He doesn’t want our baby

67 replies

Hazelchange · 09/09/2024 06:34

My partner and I have been together a year. He has two kids from previous relationship. I am pregnant with my first, I’m 36, he’s 38. We have a really good relationship and a super little bubble. The kids are onboard, the family is happy, our friends are over the moon but he is struggling with it. He has explained that he doesn’t want it, doesn’t love it etc. It’s caused a wedge for sure and he’s admitted that he’s started resenting me. States he loves me but not baby. I’m 6 months in and am trying to encourage him to see that it’s not the end of the world. I’m failing mostly. He states he wants me but not my package, I’ve explained that he can now only have me and baby too.

I so respect his views but the hardest bit has been that both of us knew this was a risk. We both took it and since finding out, some days he’s been up, some days he’s been down. Some days he is my partner and some days he’s almost like a cruel stranger. It’s been rather nasty at times if I’m honest. Words hurt.

Do you think we can fix it? Anyone willing to share their experience? Thank you xx

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 09/09/2024 08:11

@sel2223 women have to take some responsibility for bringing a child into a shit show. OP has only known this man for 6 months before getting pregnant. He already has children. They are now going to have a sibling from someone they hardly know. Chances are dad might not have much to do with child. So between OP and partner they have made a huge impact on these children’s lives.

Edingril · 09/09/2024 08:12

crumblingschools · 09/09/2024 08:11

@sel2223 women have to take some responsibility for bringing a child into a shit show. OP has only known this man for 6 months before getting pregnant. He already has children. They are now going to have a sibling from someone they hardly know. Chances are dad might not have much to do with child. So between OP and partner they have made a huge impact on these children’s lives.

Exactly!

GuestFeatu · 09/09/2024 08:13

sel2223 · 09/09/2024 07:46

Oh get off your high horse. How have you reached the conclusion that OP isn't thinking about her babies well-being? What an awful comment.

I fell pregnant unexpectedly within months of a new relationship starting. DD1 is now 4, we are married and I'm now 11 weeks pregnant with baby number 2. Falling pregnant early in a relationship doesn't give this man child an excuse to act this way, nor does it say anything at all about the OP or her thoughts and feelings towards her unborn child.

Show quote history

They didn't 'fall' anywhere, they deliberately conceived this baby. High horses are justified.

GuestFeatu · 09/09/2024 08:14

sel2223 · 09/09/2024 07:56

So much woman-shaming on MN

Is it woman shaming to point out that a 36 year old woman made a series of very poor decisions and now has to live with the consequences?

romdowa · 09/09/2024 08:14

I'd be telling him to bugger off until he can figure out what he wants. My child and I are a package deal , can't have one without the other.

AngelinaFibres · 09/09/2024 08:15

Hazelchange · 09/09/2024 06:59

Thankyou. He was against it from the day I told him. Then he came around, then changed, then came round, then changed, the bought nursery stuff, then changed again. It’s inconsistent for near enough every week. It’s heartbreaking and super scary. We have no financial issues and thankfully both healthy. We’re very lucky in that respect. X

He's done it twice before. He knows the reality of it. He was foolish to think that a 36 year old woman with no children and no contraception wouldn't be very keen to become pregnant. Presumably he hoped it just wouldn't happen. It has. He isn't wrong to be panic stricken. He was absolutely wrong to go along with it knowing that he really didn't want do do it all again.

Original poster
Hazelchange · 09/09/2024 08:19

Thank you for the kind comments. It is my belief that Mn is not a place for feeling judged. To those who have been overly critical....It has been irresponsible , I have owned that. However, it has now happened. Reminding me of such facts is not very kind. I think those who open up on a public site such as this are quite brave. I posted to seek advice and guidance. I'm sorry it upsets you.

OP posts:
Velvian · 09/09/2024 08:19

I don't see any poor decisions here. OP is 36, if she wants to have a child, this is it for her. You have been caring for your stepchildren @Hazelchange , I hope your OH is appreciatative of that.

Time to focus on yourself and your baby, please stop worrying about your OH, he is being pathetic. Has he booked in his vasectomy yet? I suspect not.

GuestFeatu · 09/09/2024 08:24

Velvian · 09/09/2024 08:19

I don't see any poor decisions here. OP is 36, if she wants to have a child, this is it for her. You have been caring for your stepchildren @Hazelchange , I hope your OH is appreciatative of that.

Time to focus on yourself and your baby, please stop worrying about your OH, he is being pathetic. Has he booked in his vasectomy yet? I suspect not.

You don't think that conceiving a child with a man you barely know is a poor decision? Sure she wanted a baby and now she has one but you don't think that making such a poor choice of father for her child will impact the child? Interesting take

GuestFeatu · 09/09/2024 08:25

Hazelchange · 09/09/2024 08:19

Thank you for the kind comments. It is my belief that Mn is not a place for feeling judged. To those who have been overly critical....It has been irresponsible , I have owned that. However, it has now happened. Reminding me of such facts is not very kind. I think those who open up on a public site such as this are quite brave. I posted to seek advice and guidance. I'm sorry it upsets you.

You haven't upset me, if this is directed at me. I gave you the best advice I can think of which is tell him to ship out or shape up. Don't let him continue to upset and distress you.

LittleSeasideCottage · 09/09/2024 08:35

Trying to see it from his point of view,

You've only been together a year so he probably wasn't decided on whether it was really a long term relationship. Now this situation has revised that decision.

He may have not wanted to have another financial commitment given he's already got two kids and he's thinking about the impact on them.

He's probably now calculating child maintenance in his head and how his salary is going to be even smaller now.

Those saying he didn't use protection so is equally responsible are right of course, but I can kind of feel sympathy for him. His biggest mistake is not being really clear from the outset that he didn't want the baby so the OP could make a decision on what she wanted to do. He's strung her along and not been honest from the outset.

It's clear he's not onboard with the pregnancy so I think the OP would be sensible to start planning on being a single parent.

S0CKPUPPET · 09/09/2024 08:39

Hazelchange · 09/09/2024 07:08

Thankyou all for your replies. I’m very grateful for surez He’s a fantastic father to his children and he’s always been a very supportive partner regardless of how long we’ve been together. We’ve always had a very strong communication network between us since I’ve been pregnant, It’s like I’ve become an alien to him . I am scared and I do really want the best for everyone especially baby. X

That’s good to hear that he’s a fantastic father. How do you get on with his children when they live with you and how are they reacting to the pregnancy ?

Do they stay with you 50% of the time or is every second weekend only?

AngelinaFibres · 09/09/2024 08:42

I expect he thought ,at 11 and 18, that his child rearing years were moving on nicely towards independence and freedom. He had a new partner and a nice life. He should have had a vasectomy years ago or been absolutely honest that he didn't want a baby. That would have ended the relationship and he was probably enjoying being with you and didn't want that to happen. I expect he hoped, like my ex husbsnd in both his marriages, that pregnancy just wouldn't happen. It has happened. It was always going to happen. You will understand, when this baby reaches 11 and then 18, why the thought of sleepless nights and doing all of those years all over again is so horrendous for him . He isn't wrong to feel like that. You are not wrong to want a child of your own and to recognise that ,at 36, the window for that is closing. Choosing him as the father of your child was a poor one but we all make mistakes. Your focus now needs to be on getting yourself as sorted as you can for the arrival of this baby. Get all the admin sorted. Use whatever family support you have. He will need to play his part even if it is only financially .

DramaLlamaBangBang · 09/09/2024 08:43

Hr was incredibly lazy and stupid not to use contraception. But from his point of view he's 38 and has been a father since he was 22 which is incredibly young, then now just when they are a bit more independent he is to become a father again. I would not be happy about that, especially 6 months into a new relationship. But he didn't use contraception and presumably knew and didn't care that you didn't. He should have been extra careful and he wasn't.

LER2023 · 09/09/2024 08:56

hold up. He doesn’t want you and your ‘package’ you took him and his ‘packages’ on. You took his kids on. He can’t say that.

I don’t think it’s going to work with him personally. If he didn’t want another child he should have wrapped his Willy and he wouldn’t be in the situation he’s facing.

I know it takes two to tango but Jesus Christ, he’s a grown man ffs.

I also think you should have been on something too, to prevent this from happening.

tell him he needs to grow up and get on with it or both leave it at that and go your seperate ways

CrochetForLife · 09/09/2024 09:17

He is being a selfish piece of shit. He did this. He got you pregnant. He ejaculated his sperm inside you. He didn't wear a condom. So imo he wanted this child. Because if he didn't, he could have worn a condom. He could have had the snip.

Not wearing a condom, not even pulling out (not that that's reliable), but ejaculating inside you was a deliberate decision to get you pregnant. This is his fault. You need to make sure he understands this is his fault and he needs to step up to his responsibility.

WiseDog · 09/09/2024 09:50

I have been in a difficult situation myself myself I got oc and baby got Duodenal obstruction plus down syndrome t21 my partner was like how we going to bring a disabled baby up I am 50 can't do it think it's best if you just end pregnancy only found out at 33 weeks pregnant, me on the other hand was like I am disabled can't get rid of a disability I am 40 I will do everything all other kids grown up so plenty of time on my hands .... now he got his head around it he doesn't want me get rid and said he will be by side and its his kid too he was just upset he can't wait me to have the baby ... think you both need to sit down and have a talk like we did ,tell him what u want and what does he want ... seems like u got family support too . I was the same alot of family support. Sit down talk as a family find out why he scared got to be a reason hun x good luck x

coolkatt · 09/09/2024 09:51

Honestly he needs to man up, get a grip and make a decision. He wants both of u or he wants none.
Don't let him choose, it's now up to u to say do u want
Your baby or do u want him. Cos this is what ur facing at the end of the day.
My opinion tho is do u want someone around ur child who states he doesn't love him/her? Cos I couldn't.
Poor child if he grows up realising his dad who is meant to be his/her protector doesn't give a shit and mum put up with it.

2mumlife · 09/09/2024 09:58

It sounds like a stressful situation for you, not really knowing where you stand. I think all you can do is see what happens over the next few months and post- birth - if he still isn’t happy and is being resentful, it sounds like the best thing for all would be to split. Sorry you’re in this situation

DadJoke · 09/09/2024 10:02

He is equally responsible for the existence of this new child. Either he becomes fully supportive, or ends the relationship. His vacillating is just cruel.

cherrybl0ssom5 · 09/09/2024 10:10

I think i’d have more sympathy for him if it was a case of failed contraception, but it’s not and if he really didn’t want another baby then he should’ve taken the necessary precautions. It was obviously irresponsible on both sides but it’s happened now.

He’s entitled to have fears especially with his age and newness of the relationship, but being cruel/nasty isn’t okay. He may come around but there’s obviously a chance he won’t, so I think have things in place just in case it goes that way. I hope it works out for you and baby

Superscientist · 09/09/2024 10:14

It is possible to be hesitant about having a baby without being horrible to your pregnant other half.

For me the key thing here is how he is treating you and I would be sending him on his way until he can come to the situation with compassion. At 6 months he needs to get his head around the fact a baby will be appearing in the next 3 months and he needs to decide what kind of father he wants to be. In the meantime it is absolutely not acceptable for him to be nasty to you and you deserve better even if it means doing this on your own. It's easy to appear to be a good person when the going is good. When you are in a tricky situation the true person can come through and I think you need to ask yourself if the person he currently is showing to you is a person you want to build a life with.

Hiiiiiiiia · 09/09/2024 10:18

hopefully as soon as he seems the baby face he will change his mind as that moment is where all the love comes for dads as they see their little one. If even after that he keeps being horrible about the baby i really don't know... i would feel very upset

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 09/09/2024 10:30

Well the baby exists now and the OP doesn’t want an abortion so as someone said on another thread recently “don’t give advice that requires a Time Machine to use.”

the situation is you are pregnant. Your DP doesn’t want the baby and is being a dick about it. What does he want to happen now? Make him spell it out. A late abortion? For you to give the baby up for adoption?

Or is it, that he makes a massive fuss about how he (a functioning adult male choosing to have sex with a woman without using any contraception) was somehow tricked into a baby he doesn’t want, and therefore he should get to live with you and have all the advantages of being in a relationship with you, while at the same time doing none of the work or paying for his child.

fuck that.

your relationship isn’t going to last, either he’ll leave you when you have a baby, or he’ll be a shit dad and partner so you leave him, or he’ll step up suddenly become a great man, but you will never be able to forget this behaviour and it’ll poison it.

its hard to make plans and organise stuff with a new baby so I’d start leaving him now. Whose house do you live in?

contentsmayb · 09/09/2024 10:37

CrochetForLife · 09/09/2024 09:17

He is being a selfish piece of shit. He did this. He got you pregnant. He ejaculated his sperm inside you. He didn't wear a condom. So imo he wanted this child. Because if he didn't, he could have worn a condom. He could have had the snip.

Not wearing a condom, not even pulling out (not that that's reliable), but ejaculating inside you was a deliberate decision to get you pregnant. This is his fault. You need to make sure he understands this is his fault and he needs to step up to his responsibility.

agree with this.
if you are able financially, move out and dump this horrible human.