He doesn’t want our baby

[Hazelchange]

My partner and I have been together a year. He has two kids from previous relationship. I am pregnant with my first, I’m 36, he’s 38. We have a really good relationship and a super little bubble. The kids are onboard, the family is happy, our friends are over the moon but he is struggling with it. He has explained that he doesn’t want it, doesn’t love it etc. It’s caused a wedge for sure and he’s admitted that he’s started resenting me. States he loves me but not baby. I’m 6 months in and am trying to encourage him to see that it’s not the end of the world. I’m failing mostly. He states he wants me but not my package, I’ve explained that he can now only have me and baby too.

I so respect his views but the hardest bit has been that both of us knew this was a risk. We both took it and since finding out, some days he’s been up, some days he’s been down. Some days he is my partner and some days he’s almost like a cruel stranger. It’s been rather nasty at times if I’m honest. Words hurt.

Do you think we can fix it? Anyone willing to share their experience? Thank you xx

What was his break up like? How long ago did it happen? Maybe he's thinking this will all take him back to feeling trapped and unhappy.

I imagine a long term relationship ending makes you feel liberated and excited, then this is like groundhog day.

Talk it through, see what he's really thinking.

The word 'always' is a bit meaningless when it's basically referring to toe very early honeymoon period of a relationship. You go t pregnant with a man who really, you don't know at all and although he's equally responsible, this isn't a surprising outcome unfortunately. Sounds like you'd be better alone. The constant uncertainty isn't healthy

The only person who can ‘fix this’ is him. Because he is the one who has an issue with the baby.
The only thing you can do is to look after yourself and baby, because tte probability you’ll end up a single parent is high.

The reality is that he has to get his head around it. Whether he will still be your partner or not. And he’ll have to deal with the impact on his own dcs. They seem keen, they are certainly very aware about the impending arrival. Him leaving you and having no contact ever with the baby could have hugely detrimental impact on them (if he can abandon baby, will he do that t9 us too?)
But that’s his issue to solve.

The most obvious thing for him to do is to see a counsellor.
Then work out how you’d be a couple with a baby (as he seems to think it will destroy everything - so think a baby will disturb the balance between the two of you and the nice thing you have together).

But there is a question as how much ‘hot and cold’ you are happy to put up with. Granted he is struggling. But he can’t use you as his emotional anchor whilst putting you in a spin.

This whole post is very oddly worded...

We have a really good relationship and a super little bubble.

What does a "super little bubble" mean???

The kids are onboard, the family is happy, our friends are over the moon

"Our" friends??? You've been together a year... Do you mean your friends?

It’s caused a wedge for sure

Very bizarre statement....

I’m 6 months in and am trying to encourage him to see that it’s not the end of the world.

And another....

He states he wants me but not my package

And another....

Yeah especially when @Hazelchange says they've been together a year and she's 6 months pregnant.

So basically "always" refers to the first 6 months of their relationship 🙄

@Starlight1979 it is strange where OP says they have a really good relationship and then says it is quite nasty.

Yes it is, especially in the comments 'pointing this out' repeatedly instead of focusing on the grown ass man and his decisions and consequences.
OP is pregnant, she can't go back in time and undo it, what she needs now is advice not judgement and a man who's either going to step up or step away

Yes, 'they' conceived a baby. Nothing in this thread suggests OP isn't considering her unborn child or it's welfare. She can't change what's already happened, she's owned it and is trying to do what's best moving forward.

Does it somehow make you feel better about yourself to be so condescending and judgemental towards others? High horses are justified by who? You?

Yes I wonder about this too. Maybe he feels having kids was the nail in the coffin with his previous relationship and 'ruined everything' in that relationship so is now fearing the same thing will happen again?

You were both very irresponsible, but as you actually want a child - and aged 36, with no children so far, you don't have unlimited time - I can understand why you didn't care about using contraception. He, OTOH, has 2 children already, they are not young so the age gap would be huge, and clearly doesn't want another. He's an absolute idiot for not getting a vasectomy or using a condom. And his behaviour towards you since you fell pregnant - which he is equally responsible for - is unforgivable.

LTB. Give the baby your surname. If he doesn't turn up to register the birth, you can still claim child maintenance even if his name isn't on the birth certificate.

I hope you are financially secure in your own right - otherwise you are taking a massive risk having a baby with a man you aren’t married to.

If you aren’t I would be looking at ways to ensure you can be.

Are you renting together, OP - do you have a joint tenancy? Or living together in a house that just one of you owns or rents?

He knows you and baby come as a package, he is telling you that he doesn’t want that. I wouldn’t wait around and continue allow him to play these games with you, pregnancy and new motherhood is the time when are particularly vulnerable and you don’t need him messing around like this. He is showing you who he is now the reality is setting in.

I suspect you will stay together and limp along and you will be the one doing everything for the baby because he will make it clear that he didn’t want a baby so shouldn’t do any of the crappy bits like night waking.

I didn't mean the OP has done anything wrong. He has clearly been ridiculously irresponsible here!

But, if I was a 38 year old man that already had 2 children and a broken down relationship with their mother, I wouldn't want another child either.

He did not want a baby, you knew this. How is it possible in this day and age to accidentally fall pregnant?

His inconsistency is due to you trying to force him to be a part of something he doesn't want to be a part of. He sounds like he's tried but he really doesn't want it. He won't change, he will only resent you for imprisoning him. It won't be a happy life with a partner trapped and forced to be a father all over again. He already has 2 children. If he didn't want to be permanently in their lives, how will he be for another one. I hate to be harsh but you wanted a baby and he didn't.

Perhaps you weren't as careful with contraception because of this, and thought you could bring him round to the idea. If this was the case, it was a bad move. Ultimately, you have to be prepared to be a single parent. By this I mean if he stays OR if he goes. I doubt there will be much difference in the support you will have.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, it's just a very real possibility.

Why did you feel the need to reopen a 2 month old thread to comment that?

I just came across this thread. Hope things worked out alright for you OP xx