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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partner of 5 years leaving me if I don’t have abortion

70 replies

Devonmum12 · 04/08/2024 08:16

we’re both 28, been together >4 years and have a house and pets together. He knew I wasn’t on contraception for the past year and I asked him to use a condom if he wanted to prevent pregnancy but I was happy either way and he never used a condom. I told him I was pregnant 3 weeks ago & I’m now 6w 4d. he said he didn’t want a baby but stayed, it’s been a weird few weeks I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells and yesterday he left me saying I was selfish for not having an abortion and he was leaving me. I’m absolutely terrified but I know I will be an amazing mum. Has anyone else gone through this journey on their own? I feel so alone.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 04/08/2024 08:17

He will possibly leave after you’ve had the abortion, so do what you want. Don’t be blackmailed.

SouthwestSis · 04/08/2024 08:19

What other support do you have locally? It is absolutely possible to have a baby on your own but what is your financial and housing situation? Do you have friends and family support locally?

Even if you do decide to end this pregnancy, this guy has revealed his true colours and is unable to take responsibility for his actions

WaltzingWaters · 04/08/2024 08:21

His ultimatum would be the end of the relationship for me anyway. Particularly as he’s just been reckless not using any contraception, so it’s not like it’s a complete shock. So I’d say make your decision based on your wants and whether you can manage as a single mum. Either way, ditch this selfish prick.

StMarieforme · 04/08/2024 08:21

I wouldn't want him following an ultimatum like that. End it, and make your own choice re the abortion.

Velvian · 04/08/2024 08:23

So he doesn't want to wear a condom and his preferred 'contraception' is you having an abortion?

He is not husband and father material or a remotely decent person. Whatever you decide, make sure he is not in your life @Devonmum12

RedToothBrush · 04/08/2024 08:24

Devonmum12 · 04/08/2024 08:16

we’re both 28, been together >4 years and have a house and pets together. He knew I wasn’t on contraception for the past year and I asked him to use a condom if he wanted to prevent pregnancy but I was happy either way and he never used a condom. I told him I was pregnant 3 weeks ago & I’m now 6w 4d. he said he didn’t want a baby but stayed, it’s been a weird few weeks I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells and yesterday he left me saying I was selfish for not having an abortion and he was leaving me. I’m absolutely terrified but I know I will be an amazing mum. Has anyone else gone through this journey on their own? I feel so alone.

The whole situation was never going to end well. He was never worth staying with.

Ditch.

Then decide what you want to do.

Frostycottagegarden · 04/08/2024 08:25

This would be the end for me. Sorry.

Question is, do you want an abortion? This is about you, not him now.

RedToothBrush · 04/08/2024 08:25

Staying with him isn't going to end with either.

Don't even consider it.

Fluufer · 04/08/2024 08:26

Leave him whatever you decide.
I would think long and hard about whether you really want to land your child with this arsehole as a dad.

Blisterly · 04/08/2024 08:27

its clear he’s not a nice person. Think very carefully if you want this person in your life for the rest of your life (I don’t mean as a partner, he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be, but as a father), and is this the person you want to have a child with and be an influence on their life?

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 04/08/2024 08:27

End the relationship. It's over.

Then make whatever decision is right for you.

crumblingschools · 04/08/2024 08:27

This was never going to end well, why did you continue to have unprotected sex?

Longdueachange · 04/08/2024 08:28

Ask him to leave op, and straight away. No good man is careless about contraception only to give their partner an ultimatum about abortion.
Once he has gone - this afternoon would be good - have a good long think about your options.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 04/08/2024 08:29

You've both made terrible decisions, he wanted to prevent pregnancy ie didn't want a baby but had unprotected sex with you regardless, and you knew he didn't want a baby and had unprotected sex with him regardless. This situation was inevitable. I agree with PPs whether you keep the pregnancy or not the relationship is over, him having issued that kind of ultimatum.
For future reference if you don't want to be a single parent and the male won't use contraception and you're not willing to either, abstinence is sensible.

gamerchick · 04/08/2024 08:31

Let him go. Either way it's over. If you have it, you'll grow resentment that he was happy to go bareback and let you take all the risks. Some men see abortion as a legitimate option for contraceptives. You'll end up dumping him anyway. Never have an abortion for someone else.

Whether he likes it or not, the kids half his. You need to surround yourself with people who support you.

MangosteenSoda · 04/08/2024 08:34

Your choice is whether or not to continue with the pregnancy. The relationship is over, completely dead in the water.

It’s absolutely not ok for him to pressure you into abortion as a form of contraception because he won’t wear a condom. If he felt this strongly about not having a baby he should not have been having unprotected sex with you.

It does sound like there was a slightly odd dynamic in which you wanted to get pregnant and he didn’t, but then he needed to do something about that beforehand. Either by using contraception or by splitting up because you want two different things. Your body, your choice as it stands now.

Catopia · 04/08/2024 08:35

On what planet was that not going to happen and some point... He was lucky he got away with it for a year if that was his stance.

It's your body and your choice OP but I wouldn't rely on him for support on either decision so I would be gearing yourself to do either on your own.

If you are sure you want to keep it, book the pregnancy and go to 8 week midwife appointment. You taking this step may be a wake-up call for him that this is real and happening and he's either on board this train or he needs to f off and get out of your way.

bombastix · 04/08/2024 08:37

Think very carefully about what you want the next 18 years to look like! You may be doing it all, including money. Can you support yourself and a child. It’s not that you can’t be a great mother, but you will need money and help to go it alone.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 04/08/2024 08:38

I'm sorry you've found out what an awful person he is in this painful way. I'm sure you can do it alone if you have to. Just bear in mind that you'll have to deal with the emotional fallout for your child of having a crap father and that's pretty upsetting and difficult. However whatever the choice you make around the pregnancy this relationship should be over. He's not the man to settle down with.

Izzynohopanda · 04/08/2024 08:40

You’re going through a lot at the moment.

Do what’s right for you, not him, but the relationship is effectively over. If you keep the baby, he leaves. If you abort, then you probably will loose all respect for him, and will regret the decision , so sadly the relationship will break down eventually.

You can do this. Plenty of women have done it alone. You’re stronger than you think. Yes, it’s terrifying, there’s a lot of new things to navigate, but you can do it.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 04/08/2024 08:45

You're done either way.

You'll never forgive him for putting you in this position. He may well leave either way. All you can do is decide whether you want this baby. Kick him to the curb and decide alone.

He may well come around later on, it does happen. But depends if you think too much damage already done.

Kellyaust · 04/08/2024 08:48

He's not a man he's a boy, get rid of him and keep your child if you want this baby they'll bring you more joy than any man ever could!

TemuSpecialBuy · 04/08/2024 08:48

Well the relationship is over either way.

I haven’t done this but I would think long and hard about both you and the childs lives.
it may be right for you it may not,

he sounds like he wants NOTHING to do with the child? Is this right?
if so from the child’s perspective that’s pretty hard to live with… your father literally wants nothing to do with you…
or do you think he will come around and be involved?

that said people can and do manage alone

Now I’d be looking hard at:

  • finances (your earnings and what CMS you will get) people don’t focus enough on this
  • your mat leave policy
  • What family support is available and if you need to relocate
  • what life will be like post baby (I was pretty shocked! But love being a mum)

Also get everything 2nd hand… pram / travel system cot all that stuff… you find things that were hardly used for 80% off retail.

Original poster
Devonmum12 · 04/08/2024 08:49

Thank you for all your messages.

I was in no way trying to trap him, I came off contraception for health reasons and he agreed it was for the best for me to come off the pill. I asked him to use condoms if we weren’t ready etc and he said no and I reminded him everytime that if we felt not ready to have a baby he needed to use condoms.

we have been a very happy couple for the past 5 years and it’s such a shock he’s acted like this. I cannot go through with an abortion, I have an amazing support system, my own house and a financially stable job. I just never thought I would be in this situation

OP posts:
llamajohn · 04/08/2024 08:51

Let him go.

You'll be fine, millions of women raise kids on their own.