Partner of 5 years leaving me if I don’t have abortion

[Devonmum12]

we’re both 28, been together >4 years and have a house and pets together. He knew I wasn’t on contraception for the past year and I asked him to use a condom if he wanted to prevent pregnancy but I was happy either way and he never used a condom. I told him I was pregnant 3 weeks ago & I’m now 6w 4d. he said he didn’t want a baby but stayed, it’s been a weird few weeks I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells and yesterday he left me saying I was selfish for not having an abortion and he was leaving me. I’m absolutely terrified but I know I will be an amazing mum. Has anyone else gone through this journey on their own? I feel so alone.

Bugger off why don't you. Given what OP says in the introduction, "you knew he didn't want a baby" is a figment of your fantasy. If your reading ability was half as developed as your sanctimony you'd have noticed that.

Some people 🙄

Contraception is on both parties, if I was in a relationship with someone and we hadn't planned to have a baby I wouldn't be having sex with him if he refused to wear a condom, unless I was happy to be a single parent. He shouldn't have had unprotected sex if he didn't want a baby, but she shouldn't have had unprotected sex with the expectation he would stick around. Life isn't a Disney film. Families should be planned and discussed, not one party deciding to come off the pill and the other ignoring the fact, with neither instigating a proper conversation about the very likely consequence of becoming pregnant.

I hope the door hits him on his selfish arse on the way out.
good luck OP xxx

Your relationship is over anyway, whatever choice you end up making.

I can't believe a grown man thought it was OK to have sex without a condom if you were not on the pill and he did not want kids. Completely irresponsible of him.

It is your choice if you want to keep the baby or not.

I didn’t come on here for a debate but I came off the pill for health reasons which was a conversation we both had. I told him I would be ready to have a baby but if he wasn’t he would need to use condoms. He never said he didn’t want a child but said he wouldn’t wear condom. A 12 year old in science learns sex without a condom = baby. He never once told me he wasn’t ready for children

Well he's clearly a moron if he doesn't understand that him not using contraception can result in getting you pregnant. And that abortion is not a form of contraception - it's the termination of a pregnancy which is a different thing entirely.

Raising a child on your own is really hard. You have to bear in mind that you might receive no help at all from the father. It also means the next 20 years of your life is spoken for and will no longer be your own. Just read some of the threads on MN and see what other single mothers have to go through. Motherhood is really really hard.

So go into it with your eyes open and make whatever decision is right for YOU.

People are right motherhood CAN be hard at times....but tbh it's not THAT hard if you're ready, good riddance to bad rubbish I say. Just think about all the great amazing things you and your child get to do together the bond will be amazing ❤️

You need to think about your child having either a useless or absent father

He is acting like a twat but you both approached this the wrong way.

"He never once told me he wasn't ready for children."

It isn't something you can make a casual assumption on based on his not commenting.

It's something you should have had serious discussions on given the life changing nature of the decison to have a child. I think you've both being playing games.

My ex was similar, whilst he didn't demand I had an abortion he had a major crisis when he found out I was pregnant.

We split up and got back together twice, once during the pregnancy and once when Dd was 18 months old. Then I fell pregnant again and he went off the rails again so I changed the locks and kicked him out.

I never wanted to be a single parent, but the dc are now 22 and 19 and it's the best thing I have ever done. It was incredibly hard at times with no help whatsoever either looking after the kids or with money but I did it.

Decide what you want to do.

The relationship is over either way- a good thing too as he sounds awful.

You need to decide what you want to do working on the assumption that he’ll play no part in his child’s life beyond paying a small amount of maintenance. From your post it sounds like you’d like to continue the pregnancy- lots of women do and make a huge success of it and there is no reason you won’t be one of them with a bit of planning. Do you have a friend or family member you can talk this all through with to help you make your decision?

Where do you get the idea that OP knew he didn't want a baby? He knew she wasn't on the pill, she told him he would need to use a condom if he didn't want a baby. He didn't use a condom, which in those circumstances is a clear message that he's OK with a baby. If there was something going on in his head whereby he decided that it would be better for OP to go through an abortion than for him to use a condom, he needed to communicate that at the outset.

Surely if you have unprotected sex you know a baby is a possibility, so you would have had a serious conversation or two about what you would do if you became pregnant. Talk about finances, work, childcare etc.

Great to hear you have a good support system and aren't reliant on this man who can't take responsibility for his actions.

Time to focus on yourself and your pregnancy now, have you been living together? Do you need to find somewhere else for you (and baby to come) or will you move back in with family for the time being until you get sorted?
Don't forget to take your folic acid and get registered with a midwife service.
Also I would confide in a close friend or 2 and let them know you may to lean on them in the coming months as your relationship ends.

Hi @Devonmum12, i agree with PP who have said that your relationship is likely over. Not just because he says so but could you really forgive him and move past being given a pressurised ultimatum? The dynamic you once had will almost definitely be shattered by this.

You can do this on your own, if that is the decision you've want to make. I'm currently 39 weeks pregnant and have pretty much been on my own since the early stages of finding out. The only difference is I left him as we didn't really have a healthy dynamic to start with. I do admit at that time the thought of doing it alone was pretty daunting and I had briefly considered a termination, which I thankfully didn't go through with.

The only time the sense of aloneness really hit me was leaving the hospital after my first scan and feeling sad that I had no one to share it with but, like you stated, I have an amazing support network around me and it strengthened the fact that I could do this. And I have, baby will be here hopefully within the week and I'm really excited for that next chapter.

The issues with dad are likely something I'll need to deal with at some point but ill cross that bridge when it comes to it. Im under no illusion that the transition will be a difficult adjustment but its something im prepared for. For now I'm going to enjoy the baby bubble and be selfish knowing I don't have to prioritise another person's needs alongside baby's and mine.

Whatever you decide, congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck xx

I'm sorry this is happening to you, he is acting like a teenager, not a man approaching his 30's.
You have said that you have your own home, a stable job and a great support network around you and that also abortion is not an option for you, so it sounds like you can really make this work for you and the baby. Yes it's really tough, especially the newborn stage but you will absolutely cope. I wish you the very best of luck ☺️

To answer the practical question, yes. This has been the year that several of my friends decided for one reason or another to go ahead alone. Very happy successful mums enjoying life with their beautiful babies.

The support network looks different for each of them. There is no one way to raise happy children.

I'm so sorry to hear this and it reminds me of my experience.

Married a few days after my 21st birthday, pregnant at 24 (same lack of contraception and him saying if it happened, it would be great).

He worked away a lot and I started to have my suspicions after mentionitis. I'm sure the stress and anxiety probably contributed to my MC at 11 weeks.

He left me anyway, and we divorced quite quickly.

By 27, I was remarried (mistake on my part, it was a rebound and I was grieving everything), pregnant again and then had two DC, 18m apart.

I ended up being a single parent, their father wanted nothing to do with them, but bringing them up is my greatest achievement.

Be prepared to go it alone, OP. Don't be scared because you are stronger than you know.

Oh my goodness, he doesn't sound much of a keeper anyway! Can you cope as a single mum? The ball's in your court. I'm sure you didn't envisage it this way, but that's the reality. You're going to be on your own. All the best.

But it was still your choice to also engage in sex without a condom, if he was clear he didn't want a baby even though he was being reckless and pathetic it doesn't change the fact he was always unlikely to magically change his mind.

Absolutely don't have an abortion if its not what you want, the ultimatum itself would be enough for me to end the relationship. I'm guessing you considered the possibility you'd be going it alone when you had unprotected sex.

It wasn’t clear he didn’t want a baby, he always said ‘what’s meant to be will be’ when I discussed having a baby and not using contraception

The relationship sounds like it's over, where you tracking cycles etc or just wing and a preyer?

It's sounds like he thought your contraception method was luck plus termination if needed.

I would have a long and hard think about whether you want to have a child with someone who doesn't want to raise it. He's likely scared as he's trapped now with your decision either way.

I'm anti abortion so for me any man that suggested I have an abortion would be dumped immediately.

If a man doesn't want to bring a child into the world he should take his own preventative measures and not rely on the woman solely to prevent the pregnancy.

You will be a great mother, let him go, he's absolutely vile.

'my own house '

So are you living in your house? If so, he goes, and the sooner the better.
If you have let yours, do you have to think about closing down a tenancy?
I'm glad you have a good support system around you.
Be prepared for the 50/50 demand so that he does not have to pay.