MIL 'talking telepathically' to baby in my womb and has named him

[KoiMama]

My MIL has said she talks to my baby who is still in my womb. She did this with my first child and is now doing it again with my second. She says things in passing like "we talk a lot" / "all the time". My DH and I also have a name for our baby but are keeping it secret until the birth, but in the meantime she told us that she has a name for him and now whenever she asks me how I am doing she will refer to him as this name "how is xx doing?" - like it's just decided. (It's also a name that I can't stand). With my first baby I felt she was so overbearing, she would never ask if she could hold the baby she would just look at the baby and say "oh come here" and reach her hands out and basically make it impossible for me to refuse without saying no - which would seem unreasonable. But it's the feeling of having a right to them. She also to this day never greets me first, she will first make eye contact with my DD and greet and talk to her, and then say hello to me. It's just a constant feeling like she sees them as her children and I was just a delivery vehicle for them. Every time it's been my birthday or an occasion since she will also say things like "thank you for being a wonderful mother to OUR (DD's name)" - again as if the child is theirs and as the mother I am just playing a role in service to them. I feel frustrated, a loss of confidence and a feeling like I just don't even know how to respond. Am I being silly/overly controlling myself? How would you feel about this?

“When she says the name she has given to your unborn child just give her a hard start and say "I have no idea who you are talking about!"

Thus. Question her about who she us talking about, when she mentions her name fir the baby.

Mil - “how us little Millie today?”
You responsd, ‘Who is Millie? , one of your friends from bingo?’if do, how am I supposed to know how she is?’

If she says that Millie is the name for your baby, just respond that she’s wrong.

This is utter genius and will actually work.

Tell your MIL that your baby has contacted you telepathically and said they absolutely hate that stupid fucking name (blame that on the baby btw) and that if your MIL doesn’t STFU with her intrusive conversations, they’ll never ever speak to her once they’re born.
And add that the baby said that that wasn’t a threat - it was a promise.
And ban her from your pre-baby life while you’re at it. She sounds insane.
Put your foot down for heaven’s sake.
This is your life and your pregnancy and your baby. YOU MAKE THE RULES.

If you don’t set some boundaries now OP she is going to be an absolute pain in the butt with constant overstepping and entitlement when baby is here. You need to enlist DH as a united front and be strong and firm with her.
If she calls baby by the name she has chosen say ‘could you please stop calling baby that, it is not their name’.
If she mentions communicating telepathically 🙄🤣 tell her it makes you feel like you are just the vessel for the baby and could she please just….not? Or at least not talk about it in front of you.
If she addresses dd and ignores you, say, hi mil, I’m here too? Assert yourself loudly, clearly and hopefully she will get the message. And if she doesn’t, she might find herself seeing less of you and DC. You do need your OH on board 100%

I'd just say "you do not get to name our baby" and walk away.

She also to this day never greets me first, she will first make eye contact with my DD and greet and talk to her, and then say hello to me.

I have to admit to doing that when my DD and little DGDs visit. The DGDs are always excited and looking to me for acknowledgement as soon as I open the door while my DD is generally wrangling bags etc. It seems natural, but I have caught myself and recognised that it could be misinterpreted.

Wow, honestly I have two of these.. mil and my own mum. My mum more so. She would always take baby off me when crying, she ignores when I say no to things or chooses to do things her way when it comes to my daughter instead of listening to my wishes as parent.. which often makes me the bad guy, or just look like I fool when I try to set a boundary with my child that then gets railroaded by my mum. Endless unsolicited advice, never greets me first and I feel like I have become an invisible person completely to her. She also seems to take over the role of mum when she’s around so it’s always as if she’s trying to compete with me, and constantly directing me how to parent. I have no advice but I get you, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to try and navigate, and honestly fills me with so much hurt. I think the only answer is being able to stand up for ourselves. I truly believe our ‘village’ is meant to consist of loving people who truly respect us and want to help in the ways they are needed. Not people who would happily throw you in a ditch and steal your baby which is how I have felt. Sorry for the rant it hits a nerve 😬

Also to add, some of the other comments are amazing and have great come backs in regards to the telepathic/ naming! Please don’t question yourself she is venturing waaay past the realms of okay, and sounding like a total nutter also!

That is super weird and awkward, what does your dh say? He needs to say firmly ‘that will not be our babies name, we will be pretty upset if you get it wrong when baby is born.’ And he needs to agree with you that she isn’t welcome if she wants to deliberately use the wrong name. Tell him it would be kinder to warn her than have her shocked because you’ve just given birth and dominating unsupportive bullshit like that is not coming into your house, including his mum if she chooses not to use your babies name.
And when she demands the baby, you smile and say just a minute we’re having such a lovely cuddle /we’re just looking in the kitchen/ just a minute - something friendly and deflective that’s not ‘no’ so easier to say.

'Oh that's odd, MIL, because he told me through the direct umbilical line that his name was Gary'.

Used to have this with sil who gave me a card congrats on the birth of my neice.
I sent her one with 'on the birth of dds cousin'.
We get on OK now and all cards are normal.

be like "wow- the baby just rolled its eyes"

I think the baby could give you lots of comments on this telepathically which you could respond to loudly: “No baby, Grandma isn’t a complete fruitloop. What an unkind thing to say.”

This would irritate me. When she gives the name say "you know that's not the baby's name right?"

When baby is here and she goes to take them say "baby is feeding/sleeping I'll pass him over when he's ready "

@Mumoftwo1316
"She used to "cure" (or make worse) all our ailments with undiluted essential oils, too. My own children have never been near an essential oil and I'm keeping it that way."

Honestly some essential oils are rooted in medieval medicines and have been proven to be effective cures for some things (e.g. lavender is medically proven to help with burns and to repel mosquitos)

Not saying your MIL is not batshit - but not throwing the baby out with the bathwater.. springs to mind

Loving the hamster suggestion above 😅

OP being a second time mum comes with its own superpower which you urgently need to channel - that of having experienced your MIL before and being able to plan beforehand how to say a firm NO, in a way that feels comfortable to you. I used to just say, "Oh no, she's fine" and then disengage/ change the subject when relatives tried to take my DC2 from me. With DC1 I sat there like a lemon and was determined not to let the same thing happen with subsequent babies.

Does she have MH issues? She sounds like she does.

Be firmer. People like this don’t take subtle hints and they home in on the weaker, using their practised strategies, which are so bloody outrageous the person is stunned and complies.

First of all, never hand your baby over when she says “Oh, come here”. Ignore her. She asks to hold the baby and it’s up to you to comply or not. It sounds a little thing but this will help put her back in her place and stop her being so overbearing. She’ll whine and make out she’s a victim because that’s what bullies do, but just ignore her.

As for the telepathic bullshit, get your DH to tell her to stop using that name for your unborn child. It’s overstepping and, again, an attempt at bullying. If you’re brave enough, you could simply do a pretend giggle and say something like, “Ooh, Liza, eh? Another name to cross off the list”.

Wear the baby.
Mine were in a sling for much of the time, and I'd definitely be popping them in the cloth with such an intrusive MiL visiting.
You've been given some great advice, OP. Lots of it is lighthearted and funny ‐might it be an idea to share this thread with your DP, so he gets the idea that he can step in a bit too?

I think what you are dealing with is someone who is pathologically incapable of asserting herself to adults, but who is at the same time is controlling and with a high degree of anxiety about her lack of control. In her personal relationships she has developed methods to make demands for example about what the baby should be called, in such a way as to avoid being challenged on (its not my idea, the baby told me).

You may or may not feel compassionate about the reasons she is like that but whatever I think the way to deal with it is to reflect back and voice the demands she pretends she is not making in the first place: "Oh you really like the name [x] for the baby". Or when she is holding her arms out: "Oh you'd like to hold him, Mil, but I just want him to settle with me for now".

Basically, every time you feel the unspoken demand, speak it. Doing this a way that ascribes positive intentions to her is the least conflictual way of doing this, it gives her space to step into her request rather than double down on the batshit origin she has ascribed it (the baby is now SHOUTING!).

I well remeber the pressure I felt to sort of give in to requests around my babies, for example about holding them when they were tired, or spoonfeeding them when I wanted them to feed themselves, but I also found that it is enormously healing to be able to draw boundaries around your chukdren that you were not able to have for yourself as a child.

This. This is a delusion, which is a form of psychosis. Your MIL needs her head checked.

This is probably the most bat shit thing I've ever seen on Mumsnet, what the...

So sorry you have to deal with this crazy situation OP.

What an insightful post!
Honestly, great advice and I'm now wondering if you're a psychologist or just a generally insightful person.

You could always channel one of her deceased relatives and she how she copes with that?

I love this 🤣

This is actually a form of witchcraft divination. And I would be raging at anyone attempting this with my children, in womb or outside womb. As a Christian, I would pray against it and command it to stop. As a mother, I would be putting boundaries in place as regardless of what she’s doing she’s taking “ownership” and it’s unhealthy. I don’t know what your beliefs are, but witchcraft comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes and sometimes can even appear harmless but it’s very real.

Thank you. I am Christian. I actually hadn't thought to pray about it yet. That is probably the best thing I can do, thank you for encouraging and reminding me. She makes it out like its kind of just a light hearted thing so I don't get worried but clearly it does bother me on a deeper level otherwise I wouldn't be posting about it. x