MIL 'talking telepathically' to baby in my womb and has named him

[KoiMama]

My MIL has said she talks to my baby who is still in my womb. She did this with my first child and is now doing it again with my second. She says things in passing like "we talk a lot" / "all the time". My DH and I also have a name for our baby but are keeping it secret until the birth, but in the meantime she told us that she has a name for him and now whenever she asks me how I am doing she will refer to him as this name "how is xx doing?" - like it's just decided. (It's also a name that I can't stand). With my first baby I felt she was so overbearing, she would never ask if she could hold the baby she would just look at the baby and say "oh come here" and reach her hands out and basically make it impossible for me to refuse without saying no - which would seem unreasonable. But it's the feeling of having a right to them. She also to this day never greets me first, she will first make eye contact with my DD and greet and talk to her, and then say hello to me. It's just a constant feeling like she sees them as her children and I was just a delivery vehicle for them. Every time it's been my birthday or an occasion since she will also say things like "thank you for being a wonderful mother to OUR (DD's name)" - again as if the child is theirs and as the mother I am just playing a role in service to them. I feel frustrated, a loss of confidence and a feeling like I just don't even know how to respond. Am I being silly/overly controlling myself? How would you feel about this?

When she says the name she has given to your unborn child just give her a hard start and say "I have no idea who you are talking about!"

If she persists then you say, "That's an awful name and most certainly won't be calling our child that!"

Furthermore, you can play her at her own game and say, "Carrying a baby inside me has given me such a special bond and I now find myself communicating telepathically with my baby! Did they tell you about such and such? Oh they didn't, well it's no surprise as they tell me everything and wouldn't be confiding in anyone else!"

I'm getting strong vibes telepathically that your mil is a fruit loop. These vibes are very strong and, yes, she is completely OTT. 😂 I would laugh and ignore. And keep ignoring.

When your baby is born and you introduce her, she'll realise that her name telepathy was on the blink. If she insists on calling him by the name he "told" her from inside your womb, you've got bigger problems.

I think you need to start being rude back. She is rude to you.

how about next time “oh no, baby won’t be called Bob, it’s such an ugly name. We’ve got much nicer names on our shortlist.” “Well your telepathic link must have wires crossed, we’re not going for a horrible name like Bob.”

when she asks for the baby, just say “not now, he’s just settled” etc. make a point of refusing.

remember when people are rude to you it is ok to be rude back.

Nest time she says it just give your best mumsnet tinkly laugh and say "Oh MIL I thought I was the only one who gave the bump a batshit name - I call it Xenophon/Ptolemy/Bagpuss/Egbert - aren't we both as silly as each other...."

It is definitely not unreasonable to say 'no' or to refuse to hand over your baby.

She sounds nuts.

She sounds infuriating! It should be something your dh deals with, just saying you both appreciate how much she loves her grandchildren but she's overstepping and making you both feel awkward. I wonder how good her relationship is with him if she feels the need to be like this. Sounds like she has not a lot going on and is maybe wishing she was back in this mothering stage of her life or closer to her own children and that's why she's trying to be the mother to your children. Still infuriating but maybe your dh can try to be a bit sympathetic if he does talk to her

Yikes. I think this is a pick your battles moment. Whilst she’s clearly batshit and overstepping, drill down to the worst part of her behaviour and calmly assert your self “come here baby” - “no Brenda, not just at the moment. There’ll be an opportunity for a cuddle with baby when he’s finished quiet time” (or whatever). For the rest, I’d deal with it like you would a toddler. Reward the good behaviour and implement controlled consequences when she badly oversteps or really upsets you. In practice I guess that would be quietly and calmly removing yourself and baby from situations when she is being particularly overbearing and difficult “right baby, it’s time we made a move/get on with our day/go and see xxxx”), and indulging her when she is just being a loving and excited grandparent. And try to remember that it is probably wrapped up in love at the end of the day.

I do have a MIL that worships her son and grandkids but seems pretty indifferent to me. It used to really hurt my feelings but I’m also grateful that she’s kind and loving to the people I love most.

You're not being silly. There is an answer. I have years of experience with a MIL who, on the phone with DH, for years would ask after the dog but not after me! The secret to dealing with her is to just not care - not want approval or validation from her, not care about pleasing or displeasing her, etc. Smile and nod at the batshittery and then ignore what she wants. If she puts her arms out for the baby, ignore her as if she was some randomer in the street.
You are on the right path with keeping quiet on your name choice until the baby is registered.

That's not to say that I haven't built a relationship with my MIL - I have. But it took a just about complete break from her and then me being kind to her despite her obvious contempt of me. She has come round now. Only took 40 years :).

"The baby is telling me telepathically that you scare him. That is not his name and he would prefer you to respect his and his mother's boundaries."

Next time she asks how X is doing tell her if she was telepathic she’d know. And she’d also know you and your husband had chosen another name.
I do think a large percentage of people that say they’re telepathic are actually nutters.

I would buy a hamster for your other child and name it the same name your MIL keeps spouting.

Sounds like she's been to Crazy Town and bought the whole parade.

In your shoes I'd be having words with DH to reign her in.

If that didn't work I'd have a word with her GP and my care team for options. And an estate agent far, far away. She's bang out of order, if not barking. Deffo needs to be kept at arm's length, if not further.

Both my mother and my MIL used to talk about "our baby" when talking about their grandchildren. Because the babies belonged in their families. I used to think it was sweet, rather than a sign of delusion!

Your DH should deal with her and tell her he thinks she needs some assistance with her mental health. You have to start putting some boundaries in place. Each time she mentions the baby she has had the audacity to name, I'd say "who"? I'd call her out every single time..."stop being silly Janet, you're embarrassing yourself".

love this

She does sound difficult to live with!
I agree it is for your DH to deal with.

It probably wouldn't be a good idea for family harmony... but you could tell her that she is telepathically communicating with the wrong baby (crossed leylines perhaps) because yours is certainly not called by that name?

She's a headcase and trying to control and manipulate you. Tell DH he needs to have a word. In the meantime, when she asks 'How is xx doing?' assume a baffled expression and say, 'Who?' If she says, 'X – the baby,' tell her you've no idea what she's on about and move on/walk away.
For the holding the baby thing, let her reach her hands out and just stay out of reach. So what if you look unreasonable? It's your baby.

Haven't you reached your limit with this batshittery, because I would have ages ago, and my tolerance would be 100% gone. I would be having a big conversation with your husband, and if he can't get her to come back down to earth and completely stop with this unhinged nonsense, she would no longer be allowed around me and the children.

Large percentage = 100%

I was being diplomatic!🤣

When she claims to be be talking telepathically to the baby, smile in a knowing way and and say 'yes, me too'. Then pat your baby bump.

I agree with a previous poster - definitely a way of trying to divert attention back to herself or give herself a bit of relevance.

There's a lot of good advice on here so I hope you've enjoyed a bit of time reading through and had a giggle at some suggestions. I would agree with those saying it's to be handed to your DH to have a word with her and tell her to back off. I have a good relationship with my dmil but any time she overstep I let him know he needs to step in.

Also, if there is any time that you get to just shout at her, it's now. It's the hormones you see. Just let her have it both barrels!

Play her at her own game.

Oh no mil you've got it wrong, that's his name from his past life, he's happy for us to choose him a new one for this life, we'll tell you what it is when we decide.