Just found out I’m pregnant again and don’t know what to do

[Helloyou111]

Hi . Ive just found out im 5 weeks pregnant . I’ve already got four girls (aged 14,11,5 and 13 months !) it’s a complete shock as we only did it once last month (I was in the middle of changing my pill over too 🙈 anyway , the older girls have a different father and he’s great , we share them half and half . Then the baby is with current partner . He really wants to keep the baby to the point he’s making me feel guilty for even considering not . I get it he wants the baby to have a close bond and two kids of his own . Me on the other hand , I’m exhausted, I’ve literally done sleepless nights and babies etc for 14 years , the house isn’t ideal as it’s not big enough , not to mention car , finances etc . I’m only 33 but I feel like I’m ready to get over all the baby phase etc . on the other hand I do think of how nice it would be for my little girl to have full time company when the others are away on holiday with their father , or weekends she’s alone or Christmas when they are at their dads . Argh I feel so Torn 😭 I was dead set against it yesterday and now I’m confused. The baby’s dad is absolutely amazing with her and I know he would be over the moon if we kept this one but the thought of all these other things sounds scary like double prams , sleepless nights , oh god and people’s reactions , the girls fathers reaction ( as he wasn’t happy we had a fourth as he felt it “impacted the girls lives “ just general judgement . I’m a mess over it all

You could say this about a 6th, 7th, 8th , 9th, 10th, and so on. You have to draw the line somewhere. If you’re ok with having this child then obviously it depends if you can comfortably afford them or not.

The girls father can keep his opinions to himself - he is not providing for your youngest child, nor will he be providing for this baby.

it is between you and this baby's father. full stop.

Once you have made your decision, you need to make sure that future birth control is foolproof.

I fell pregnant absolutely unexpectedly (husband had had a recent-ish vasectomy and I was still taking the pill 100% correctly).
I already had two teenage sons from a previous marriage and we share a toddler together.
We were in shock to say the least! The pregnancy turned out to be ectopic 😞
But the harsh reality is that as much as our hearts would have said to keep the baby, it wouldn't have worked financially. Despite both working, we would never in a million years be able to upsize. The house are in now is a three-bed so our 4 yo is in with us.
Where are you house-wise etc? Are you both working?

First of all, it's absolutely crazy that you're giving your ex-partner's opinion any headspace at all, and why you haven't told him already to fuck off is beyond me. He gets zero say here.

Hi thank you for replies ! Yeah when I found out with my daughter the other girls father was very snarky saying I’ve ruined my freedom and he feels sorry for me , that they will miss out because I wouldn’t be able to do nice things with them etc … even tho I’ve taken them abroad three times in the last couple years and they always have everything they need and don’t miss out at all .
we only have a 3 bedroom house so it’s one of my main concerns , I know my heart says yes but my head is saying no . Enough is enough . It’s just a hard thing to decide I guess ! We both work and are both financially okay . It’s only been a few days since I found out so I’m still processing it . I just don’t want any resentment from his end I think 😞

I think you know the answer.

Giving another young child some company isn’t a good enough reason. She also won’t care for a long time considering how young she is.

The reasons you give are extremely valid - financial, not enough room and exhaustion. You need to consider the lives of your other children first.

It’s ok to say no. If I got pregnant again, it would be an immediate termination. Not just because of the same reasons as you, but also because I would refuse to put my body through a 3rd c section. It would be a categorical no not up for negotiation.

It’s ok to say no op if that is what you want. Remember, it’s your body that has to go through this. Not his.

@MariaVT65 thank you . I had horrific HG sickness with all of them and I don’t miss that not to mention labour and getting my body back . I’m just exhausted from sleepless nights as it is . I guess I just feel guilty 😞

@Helloyou111 I think you have to consider the practicalities of five children in a three-bed. Where would they all sleep?

I don't think it's a good idea to have a baby in any circumstances if you don't really want it. I'm not saying this will definitely happen but I can see lots of potential for resentment if you go ahead - towards the baby, towards your partner for talking you into it. You've had 4 children and it is absolutely valid for you to now prioritise yourself and your other children. Your partner knew you already had 3 when you got together so it's not reasonable for him to complain if you don't want any more.

Don’t feel guilty. I found pregnancy really hard even without HG.

Maybe think about your current children every time you get pregnant

@SpringerFall I didn’t plan on getting pregnant this time . And I did think of my current children with my previous planned pregnancies . Wow . Rude much . Maybe don’t bother commenting.

If my heart said yes I would go with yes.

It's sound like you are scared that your current partner will be angry with you if you need to have a termination.
Other than telling him you are pregnant have you discussed the realities of brining another child into your family?

I was one of five (same mum & dad) and we had a big house and a massive car. I would say mum didn't have time for us all, we weren't neglected as such, but the older siblings in particular had to grow up and become very independent (which isn't ideal) too young. It's had a big impact on us all and although I obviously love my siblings, we weren't very close when we all lived together, life was too competitive at home and it was very hard for my mum (she didn't work when we were at school) she died fairly young, in part I think to how physically hard to was on her body to have 5 pregnancies and to work relentlessly to raise them.
If we could turn back time I think we would all agree that my parents should not have had 5 children (in fact it comes up in conversation fairly often that they shouldn't) as we all feel we lose out a lot because of it - we don't ever name the siblings we wish weren't born though!

Can you comfortably afford another child and be able to give your other children opportunities and save for uni, house deposits etc? If no then it’s a clearer choice. I’d prioritise your current children and giving them a good life with opportunities.

I think you need to consider how you'll feel about it in 5, 10 or 15+ years. Do you think you will regret termination?

It's a decision that you'll never forget, so you need to be absolutely sure.

You do hear of huge families (closer to 10 children!) and people find a way, it's very possible but it comes with choices you'll need to make. My dad is one of 6, I adore my extended family and the closeness they have. Yes, they had to make compromises growing up, but as adults they always have each other and we have brilliant family get togethers.

Ultimately only you can say if you think it's the right thing for you and your family.

Thank you everyone . I think I’m feeling pressured into keeping the baby just to keep my partner happy . He said yesterday he wants it and it’s all down to me and he couldn’t forgive “himself “ if we abort but sounds more like he couldn’t forgive me . I just want him to realise the practical side of all this . End of the day he only really deals with two kids but I’ll be taking responsibility for 5 and I can’t do that . It’s hard enough with 4 . I don’t want to stay at home again for another year off work , I want to finally enjoy life . 😭

Does he do 50% of housework and childcare? Does he carry 50% of the mental load?

What kind of financial security do you have if you split up? Is he covering your loss of earnings and pension contributions on mat leave? Did he do that last time?

Also I get it he wants the baby to have a close bond - a close bond between who? The two of you?

Okay then what about you have a conversation about this with him and explain what you’ve said here about you not being able to cope with 5 kids and not wanting another hit to your career. Could he do the maternity leave instead of you, who’s he willing to take on responsibility for all 5 kids instead of just the 2, what else could he do to take the pressure off you? But only if you’d consider having g the baby, don’t feel pressured if you don’t want to.

He works away so he’s only really home 2-3 nights a week and tends to be when the girls are with their dad . he does 100 percent of childcare and housework when he is home however but obviously I’m doing it all for the other 4/5 days 😭 it’s hard , I struggle some days to keep up especially if I’m sleep deprived but then I’m also used to it and just get on with it . He does financially provide for all of us and does everything he can . but I do feel like I’d be alone alot as going to work give me back some me time . His parents have the baby on days we are both working (if he’s not off work that day ) but I don’t think they would cope helping out with two babies at once !

He means a close bond with her brother or sister ( as they would be close in age and always have company ) x

So that’s another choice for him isn’t it, his work isn’t compatible with you having another child.

Ok, so in all your posts so far, you haven’t once sounded eager to have this baby just not to upset/disappoint/make your partner angry with you.
Between the two of you, you already have five or six children, is that right? (You 3, him 2 plus 1 together?) that’s a lot of children for a 3 bed house. It’s another 12 years of primary age. Are you married? On maternity leave? What about the house - yours, his, rented? Do you have any savings, pension? You sound like you’re coming at this with a sensible head and that neither your head or heart is in it. It is absolutely ok to want to move past baby stage, enjoy the kids you’ve got, look after your body, career and financial health.

My pay wasn’t hugely affected when I was on leave but I went back to work early and he stayed home and literally did everything with the kids , cooked , cleaned the lot ( he took a couple months off work while changing job ) which I preferred as I enjoyed going back to work !