Just found out I’m pregnant again and don’t know what to do

[Helloyou111]

Hi . Ive just found out im 5 weeks pregnant . I’ve already got four girls (aged 14,11,5 and 13 months !) it’s a complete shock as we only did it once last month (I was in the middle of changing my pill over too 🙈 anyway , the older girls have a different father and he’s great , we share them half and half . Then the baby is with current partner . He really wants to keep the baby to the point he’s making me feel guilty for even considering not . I get it he wants the baby to have a close bond and two kids of his own . Me on the other hand , I’m exhausted, I’ve literally done sleepless nights and babies etc for 14 years , the house isn’t ideal as it’s not big enough , not to mention car , finances etc . I’m only 33 but I feel like I’m ready to get over all the baby phase etc . on the other hand I do think of how nice it would be for my little girl to have full time company when the others are away on holiday with their father , or weekends she’s alone or Christmas when they are at their dads . Argh I feel so Torn 😭 I was dead set against it yesterday and now I’m confused. The baby’s dad is absolutely amazing with her and I know he would be over the moon if we kept this one but the thought of all these other things sounds scary like double prams , sleepless nights , oh god and people’s reactions , the girls fathers reaction ( as he wasn’t happy we had a fourth as he felt it “impacted the girls lives “ just general judgement . I’m a mess over it all

we are renting but I do have my own savings . We are not married . I have 3 from previous relationship and we have one little girl together .

"Couldn't forgive himself" there's emotional blackmail right there!

Not married then no I wouldn’t have this baby.

If his parents look after your joint child when you will be at work, will they still do that if you split up as a result of an abortion ?

Is it a joint tenancy ?
is it a private landlord or social housing ?

But I’ve already had a baby with him . What difference does being married make ?

It’s private and it’s in my name

Yes they would they are lovely people . They said they will support us with either choice

Why do you think it is any of his business? You need to shut him down whenever he says anything about you having children with anyone else.

Also, your partner doesn't get to pressure you either.

Everything you’re saying is incredibly valid.

Your partner is being incredibly unreasonable to put that pressure on you when he doesn’t have to put his own body through that or take time off work or look after 5 kids. Pretty much emotional blackmail. I would not be having another kid with him on this basis alone if he can’t understand this.

Absolutely this, many will disagree but to me this is all that matters.

There is only a 4 year gap between child 3&4 so not exactly massive. There is no guarantee your child 4&5 would get on. I really wouldn’t keep a baby unless I wanted to - not just to provide another sibling. It sounds like it will be really difficult for you- splitting yourself into 5 ways and the house isn’t ideal. Don’t let your partner guilt you into anything.

@Helloyou111 Personally, in your circumstances, I don't think I would keep the baby. I'm in a similar situation to you re housing; long-term renters as, despite husband and I both working, we can't afford to buy. We have a three-bed and no chance of ever moving up to a four!
I have two teenage sons from my first marriage who live with us some of the time. They are 14 and almost 17. We have a daughter together who has just turned 4.
My boys both have their own bedrooms currently and daughter is in with myself and hubby. When my eldest goes to uni she will have his room and we will put a sofa bed in the study for when he visits.
We absolutely couldn't afford more children, so our daughter is most definitely my husband's first and last. Despite being an incredibly supportive husband and sharing so much of the childcare (in fact he does more than me re our daughter), it's not something we could entertain. He's had a vasectomy to make sure of that!
Is this something your partner would consider moving forward? Does he have any other bio children or just your little one?
Of course the choice is entirely yours and ateotd it sounds like you'd be doing most of the childcare.

If you're are both 100% on having another baby, keep it.

If one of you, either one of you, is unsure, then it isn't fair on the baby (IMO) to welcome them into the world.

Thanks ! I did own my own house at one time but due to the break up of the relationship I couldn’t keep it , it’s something long term I really want so I have something stable for the girls ( I’ve got savings but want to keep working to get the mortgage and I’m scared if we add another baby this won’t happen or will prolong things !) I’ve mentioned the V word and he’s deffo not keen , he really wants another one ( we only have one together and he hasn’t got any more ) If we had a bigger house , he was home more and baby was a bit older then maybe things would be different about how I feel but at the same time I’m missing some me time and sleep ! anyway I’m already 33 , I don’t want to be wrapped up in baby’s and dull baby talk forever .

It wouldn't be forever though if this was to be your last baby. I'm just commenting on that. Not saying what you should do. That's your choice and no one should or can tell you what to do. Including your ex and current partner..

I think it's sounding like you really don't want to continue with the pregnancy, which for many practical and emotional reasons is a valid choice. If you really want to have the baby of course you can make it work and everyone will adjust and I'm sure the 5th child will be loved and cared for, so it's not like you won't manage it if you decide you can't go through with it.

I had a termination around the same age as you after we already had 3 as I wanted to move on to working and studying and we really couldn't financially or practically support 4 children. I haven't ever regretted it, but fortunately DH was fully on board so I didn't have the emotional manipulation of another person clouding my thought process.

@Helloyou111 But it's about what you want too? If you don't want any more he has to respect that. My hubby would have loved another as he too only has the one, but circumstances meant that it wasn't the right thing for the family. Hence the vasectomy.
What do YOU want?

It doesn’t sound like you want this pregnancy or that it’s feasible for you. Please don’t feel guilted into going ahead with this, you have to think about your 4 girls and what’s best for them too. If your partner can’t support your decision then that says a lot about him.

Is your pension pot equal to his? Do you own equal shares of a house?
What would happen to you if you had a second child with him and then the relationship ended in a year?

Marriage does make a difference when planning your life.

@AlpineMuesli They're in rented (in her name only). Tbf I'm married and also rented, but in both names. Doesn't make a difference tbh if you don't own property.

I think the practical matters if you can feed, clothe or house those children might matter more. It sounds like OP's heart doesn't want the baby anyway.

Being honest you have spent most of your adult life being pregnant and raising kids. If it were me I would want to be getting on with doing what I want and starting to enjoy not having sleepless nights etc. I think four kids is enough.

It would be a hard no for me. 5 kids in a rented 3 bedroom house is my idea of hell.

I really feel for you OP, as you have been raising babies all of your adult life and you really sound like you know and feel that enough is enough.

Unfortunately, it also sounds like your dp isn't at all on board and you are damned whatever YOU decide.

The overwhelming majority seem to be saying no, but the emotional consequences of a choosing not to keep it also play a part.

You have said your head and heart are in contention. Whenever this happens, with a subject that is so so deeply emotional - having another baby - I just would not see me ever being happy with having made the choice for practicality over what I really wanted. It's a not insignificant thing emotionally, long term, to have a termination in these circumstances.

I know you would not be able to upgrade your house and will struggle a bit financially. But families do do ok with more than one child in a bedroom til they leave as adults. It's not the worst thing in the world.

I would just personally be extremely cautious about ending it on the basis that my head wants it but my heart doesn't. Every movie in Hollywood making millions off the basic plot that someone goes with their heart even when their head says no is testament to the basic deep desire to follow your heart.

I think you'll be ok if you keep it. I just want to provide some balance to all these perspectives.

Although you shouldn't keep it out of guilt. Keep it if you want to, not because you feel like you have to. Or don't keep it because you don't want to - but not because you feel like you "have to" not keep it.