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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Risk of Autism

54 replies

Pregnantagain40 · 06/05/2024 21:22

I really don't know what to do.

I'm about 5 weeks pregnant. Almost 41. Have 2 boys 15 and 13. Both neurodivergent. I am also neurodivergent. My youngest needs supervision, also has learning disability. I have to do most things for him.

The risk of having another child with autism is high. What if they are more severe? The impact this would have on my household. Also my partner is totally against this baby. Won't support me. I'm not sure I want an abortion but if I'm unsure of keeping the baby does that tell me I really don't want it?

One minute I want to keep the baby and next minute I am not sure. I am so stuck. I think the risk is worth it. But there is so much fear surrounding both decisions I can't commit to either of them!

Anyone been in same position? What did you do?

OP posts:
Springadorable · 06/05/2024 22:24

Oh gosh this is hard!! I think the big thing that stands out is that your partner isn't keen at all. Even if your baby is not ND, a newborn and toddler is going to hugely rock the boat. You need him on board or be prepared to raise all three by yourself. I have two kids, would like a third, but I'm not prepared to risk a third in case they have special needs which I can't meet and take me away from my current two. With your age and family history the odds are high that this baby will also be ND. How much spare energy do you have? Can you ensure your current two will get all the emotional support and time they need? If not then personally I'd find it very hard to justify continuing the pregnancy.

Soontobe60 · 06/05/2024 22:29

The risk of autism, or indeed any condition, is one thing to consider. The other thing is, was this baby planned, and from the reaction of your DH it sounds like it wasn’t.
You are considering the impact this child will have on your current family - whether ND or not. Ultimately, only you can (and only you should) make a decision on whether to terminate the pregnancy.

Original poster
Pregnantagain40 · 06/05/2024 22:33

@Springadorable

Thank you for your reply! My oldest is very independent and so I know he would be ok and also very supportive of this baby. My youngest is jealous and very attached to me so he would need time to adjust. He has been an absolute blessing despite his level of care. I do think I could manage but it would be hard! My partner and I don't live together so there is that too. I'm not sure if I could go through with an abortion knowing there is still a chance that the baby's level of support might not be severe. It's like putting value onto my baby depending on their needs. Does that make sense? My partner told me if I have this baby's and it's severely handicapped then he won't speak to me again. He will never forgive me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pregnantagain40 · 06/05/2024 22:36

@Soontobe60

No it wasn't planned. I just feel pressured into making a decision and he can't understand why it's not an easy decision to make. I am stuck.

OP posts:
Springadorable · 06/05/2024 22:37

I do get that. It feels like you're weighing up the odds and deciding whether to place a bet. That's a very harsh thing for your partner to say. Is your partner your boys father too? As I'd be furious if the father of my children said that.

Original poster
Pregnantagain40 · 06/05/2024 22:40

@Springadorable that's exactly what it's like. No he isn't, we've only been together for 3 years. I am actually disgusted he said that. I've stopped speaking to him for now. I have nothing to say to him!

OP posts:
Springadorable · 06/05/2024 22:45

He's certainly shown his true colours there. Not nice at all. I don't know what the answer is, but I hope you make a decision that you're happy with x

Original poster
Pregnantagain40 · 06/05/2024 22:46

@Springadorable yes he certainly has! Thank you for listening. I hope so too x

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EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 06/05/2024 23:57

You've got some time, Id use it to make the most thorough decision I could. What Id do personally is get some counseling so I could really go through all the feelings and thoughts I was having, try and workout was right for me and my kids. Where I live clinics that do abortions have counseling services that give support during the decision process and afterwards. Maybe the UK has something similar.

All 3 of my DC are Autistic, but they all have the same Dad, same with a friend, all 3 Autistic same Dad. A different friend's first is Autistic, but her other two with a different Dad aren't. It might be a point in your favour genetics wise.

None of my DC are profoundly affected, they're all in mainstream schools, but it does impact them all and its a lot to carry on your own. Their Dad has them 2 nights a week, but very Disney dad, everything's left to me. I don't know if my middle boy will ever be able to be completely independent as an adult. I don't what Id do if I got pregnant again, I'd want to keep the pregnancy, but I think the impact on my kids and my health of doing that would be too big. Pregnancy makes me really sick. It's a really tough decision, Im sorry you're having to deal with that. Whatever you chose I hope you can find an answer you can be at peace with.

ed: because my spelling and punctuation suck

Toddlermum2024 · 07/05/2024 05:40

You sound like an amazing person to be raising your boys on your own and you have proven you can cope with children with additional needs. It's a very difficult dilemma for you to be in but you sound like you've made up your mind already and want to keep the baby. Do you think your partner will come round if you go ahead, he might just be terribly frightened and be reacting out of fear. Does he have other children

Original poster
Pregnantagain40 · 07/05/2024 06:31

@Toddlermum2024 Thank you. I honestly just do my best. It's all any of us can do. I feel like I do want to keep the baby then I doubt my decision. There is a lot of fear and guilt. He has a 14 year old girl. He is such an amazing attentive dad to her. He just doesn't want another child and especially one with additional needs. He may come round but if I go ahead I need to be prepared to do this alone.

OP posts:
Toddlermum2024 · 07/05/2024 08:44

If he's an amazing dad to his daughter, I think he'll stand by you... but it's a terrible dilemma to be in and I wish you all the best

Original poster
Pregnantagain40 · 07/05/2024 08:45

@Toddlermum2024 Thank you x

OP posts:
TheBirdintheCave · 07/05/2024 08:55

It's a lottery I'm afraid. I'm autistic and my husband is ADHD but we've somehow managed to produce an NT three year old (as far as we can tell!). Decided to take the risk with a second who is due any day now but the fear is real so I totally understand your apprehension here. Best of luck with whatever you decide!

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 07/05/2024 08:55

I have 3 children one has adhd but is independent and does not require additional support. One is autistic and needs significant support both in home and school and is likely to need care as an adult.

If it was me I wouldn't have another baby because my ds wouldn't cope with the disruption to his routines, a baby/child would have to fit in with him which wouldn't be fair to them. And my mh is steady now after a lot of work on it but I know I wouldn't cope.

I would look at this from what's best for your dc, and what's best for you and I would consider what sort of life this baby would get . I would also consider worst case scenario that you would be doing this alone as you already know your dps thoughts.

Good luckFlowers

Original poster
Pregnantagain40 · 07/05/2024 08:59

@TheBirdintheCave Congratulations! And good luck when the baby comes along! That's very promising and definitely a lottery like you say!

OP posts:
TulipPower1981 · 07/05/2024 08:59

It’s so hard, both mine are ND (it’s undiagnosed but DH and I are deffo ND, undiagnosed again). I can 100% say it’s not easy for any of us as we navigate the world, but we do navigate it, I am concerned as my youngest gets older we will have school issues potentially.

It does put pressure on my marriage as my DH doesn’t see his ND, although it’s becoming clearer to him as others in his family are also being diagnosed as they’re older.

It’s quite a load to carry OP, it’s a tough decision. I’m not sure I could abort a baby as you said on the maybes. But it’s a lot to take on. Wishing you well.

Original poster
Pregnantagain40 · 07/05/2024 09:04

@ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst My son will never live independently. It will be residential care at some point in case anything happens to me and he is left with no stability. It's not up to his brother to take care of him. The one thing I can say is the baby will have the best life I can possibly manage. I don't know exactly what it will look like as I don't know how my youngest will manage and what the needs of this baby will be. What you've said I've definitely thought about. I am still struggling to commit to a termination. My friend said if we always stopped doing what we feared we would never get very far and miss out on many things in life that are meant for us. Whether that can be related to this is another story! I've literally never been more confused in my whole life.

OP posts:
PurpleBugz · 07/05/2024 09:06

I think you need to make your decision on the assumption you will be doing it alone. Can you cope with 3 autistic kids?

Also how do you cope with pregnancy? Will it impact the care for your older kids?

Similar situation although different ages. When I got pregnant with my third my partner couldn't cope with the drop in attention he got because I was physically struggling and have a high need child who needed to come first. Hell of a lot more to it as my high need child lost his school place while I was pregnant and I had to stop working. It broke us. Now I'm single mother to 3 children and my youngest is clearly autistic too.

What I will say though is I've discovered I'm not worse off. My ex needed attention and wasn't supportive so with him gone lofe is easier for me. He had nothing to do with baby for ages but eventually started having him and the reality is I get more of a break now than I ever did when we were together

Original poster
Pregnantagain40 · 07/05/2024 09:08

@TulipPower1981 It's definitely not easy. But so rewarding and a blessing at the same time. It's the maybes that are filling me with doubt. What if this baby is NT or ND but on a level like my oldest? How much of a risk am I willing to take moving forward with the pregnancy. It's so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pregnantagain40 · 07/05/2024 13:09

@PurpleBugz I could definitely do it alone. It would massively impact my youngest though and that's what I feel so guilty about. My oldest is very independent despite his AuDHD. He is working and ready to leave school at end of the year. I've just started getting time for me as well as I now have someone for respite for my youngest. So do I take the time I need for me when my plate is full already or add to my plate and go back to no freedom again? It's taken 13 years to be able to have a night out or meet up with friends on a regular basis. Plan to go away for a weekend. Can my mental health cope if I give all that up again? I just don't know.

OP posts:
Stoufer · 07/05/2024 13:18

I think having a 3rd child can really impact the middle one (middle child syndrome it used to be called) - and when you factor in ND that can just intensify the problems. It is doable, but qual of life for you / your existing kids / the baby will very much depend on a whole load of factors. My experience has been that three kids + ND has meant cutting right back on work for me so that I can be there for them. I also have a very supportive DH.

Duckingella · 07/05/2024 13:38

Look I'm AuADHD;my husband has ADHD.

We are both functioning adults;DH is a manager.

DD with AuADHD,Tourette's,EDS,a seizure disorder:absolutely amazing;has done well at college,got into all universities applied for and has a part time job too.

DD with ADHD and a serious neurological condition;has half and half done home schooling since year 8 and school due to mobility issues occurring from her condition.Absolutely slayed her GCSES and is doing incredibly well at college.She has even managed some voluntary work.

DS with ASD (severe) is a cracking kid with a great sense of humour and expected to pass GCSE's with 3's and 4's;the teachers love him and are pleased with how he's doing.

I have another DS who's neurotypical in a family full of neurodivergent people.

I work weekends at a local sports club but primarily run my home and care for my kids as they need a high level of support.

My point is if I can do it so can you;neurodivergent people are people too;people who are amazing and achieve things.

I am actually disgusted at your so calls partners attitude towards neurodivergence;he's very ableist and I have to wonder what he secretly thinks of you and your current children.

He's basically dehumanising people with disabilities and saying they're not worth it.

The only thing I'd be considering terminating is your relationship with this man who is attempting to bully you into a termination and has an absolutely vile attitude towards disabled neurodivergent people.

Original poster
Pregnantagain40 · 07/05/2024 13:45

@Duckingella Yes my relationship with this man is not going to continue after his comments. I am disgusted! I have nothing to say to him.
My youngest may not have full speech and communication and understanding but he has a great little life and is so happy. Does not mean he doesn't deserve to be here!

Sounds like you do an amazing job!! It definitely won't be easy. Thank you for sharing. All the comments are giving me food for thought. Flowers

OP posts:
Bringitonnowibeg · 07/05/2024 13:51

I had my youngest at 41 and he's now nearly 3 and definitely autistic like his older brother and sister.
Wouldn't change him for anything. We've had plenty of experience at this now.