Risk of Autism

[Pregnantagain40]

I really don't know what to do.

I'm about 5 weeks pregnant. Almost 41. Have 2 boys 15 and 13. Both neurodivergent. I am also neurodivergent. My youngest needs supervision, also has learning disability. I have to do most things for him.

The risk of having another child with autism is high. What if they are more severe? The impact this would have on my household. Also my partner is totally against this baby. Won't support me. I'm not sure I want an abortion but if I'm unsure of keeping the baby does that tell me I really don't want it?

One minute I want to keep the baby and next minute I am not sure. I am so stuck. I think the risk is worth it. But there is so much fear surrounding both decisions I can't commit to either of them!

Anyone been in same position? What did you do?

Hey 👋 i was in a similar situation not long ago, surprise pregnancy and partner was dead against it, we had 4 kids already and 2 are autistic, my youngest (8) is very dependent, non verbal and cognitive delay, still have to get him dressed and wipe his bum etc my oldest (13) isn’t as dependent, can do most things physically herself but suffers with depression and anxiety, so obviously we were concerned about the possibility of having another disabled child, my partner really wanted to abort and my oldest son (11) was very upset when he found out he was having a sibling, but i stuck to my guns and kept the baby, i now have a beautiful 4 month old Baby girl who both Daddy and big brother adore! She is actually very much a daddy’s girl lol he didn’t come round until she was actually born but she was in the world for 5 mins and he was cuddling her and said any reservations he had were gone- he was smitten, my youngest son (8) mostly ignores her, doesn’t show any signs of jealousy even when im bf her and can’t help him with something -which was a concern of ours, he does every now n then ‘headbutt cuddle her’ he puts his fore head on hers (gently of course)- its how he cuddles n kisses lol so he must like her a bit lol i know it could have all gone horribly wrong but she was definitely worth the risk xx

@Bringitonnowibeg This is nice to hear 😊

Aw @Avie29 I love this 🥰 so glad it all worked out for you. It's nice to hear x

I picked up abortion pills today. I told the hospital I was unsure and I will know when I have them. I've not even looked in the bag. I am 98% sure I want to take the risk and continue with my pregnancy. I might sway again! The 'dad' has told me he wants nothing to do with me. I am being a selfish b*ard wanting to bring a child into the world that could potentially be severely disabled. It's not worth a risk to him. Wanting to have this baby is not a good enough reason for him for me to continue!!! The thought of having to deal with this crap for 18 plus years is actually more worrying than having this baby!!!

Gosh. He sounds like an utterly useless prick. You're well rid. He's the sort to fuck off if you ever git ill, God forbid.

You sound like you will really struggle to abort this pregnancy.

I also had a third at 41, with one about to be diagnosed autistic kid and one who I had not a clue at that point was also autistic. I think I would have been more scared of no.3 if I'd known but that fear would have been misplaced. They are a mad tumble of joy, and we have had very big blips with school, and having to leave for different provision. But they are better than everyone else's kids and I hope and pray that when they become a little set of spikey-profiled adults, they will be able to look out for each other.

I'm ND and have 3 ND kids. The only thing I would ask is if you are sure you want to go back into the world of babies and toddlers now that your first two are in their teens? Parenting ND kids is wonderful but it can be very hard work and if I was in your position, I might feel that I already had enough on my plate.

@Corksoles what's meant to be will be

Definitely can't bring myself to have an abortion on maybes and what ifs. I will love this child no matter what. My youngest has been an absolute blessing even though he has been hard work. You just wouldn't change them for anything would you

I do have a lot on my plate @reallyworriedjobhunter but I have room for more. My youngest has the mental age of a toddler so I'm already in the stage right now and he is unlikely to improve much although we make progress every week with little things. This child will be a blessing as much as my other two

It sounds to me like it's in your heart to have the baby. Hard to believe your partner could be so uncaring and nasty no matter what his fear. He doesn't deserve to be part of the child's life

It really is. I'm so excited now I've made my decision just need to get through next 6-7 weeks!! I have no interest in what he wants to do. I'm not his verbal punch bag. I know me and my kids will be just fine. I have great family and friends support network x

@Pregnantagain40 so happy for you, i felt better once i actually made the decision too, he/she will be worth it, everyone kept saying to me “oh but starting again!?!” And i would say im still doing it with my 8 year old lol he has the mind of a 3/4 year old and still gets me up in the night aswell lol my baby girl was definitely worth it xx

Really happy for you that you've made the decision!! I've spent a lot of time thinking on this as we recently found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant with a third (now 11 weeks). Our eldest is autistic with very high support needs and our youngest is possibly NT/possibly what used to be termed Aspergers (which is what my adult diagnosis is). It's scary going into the unknown but the way I framed it to myself was that whatever happens, and whoever this child is, we at least know both systems. We can do mainstream "normality" and we can do EHCPs and specialist schools and our other "normal". Our eldest will probably need care all his life so if that is required for two we'll figure it out, and if not then we'll live that version instead. Best of luck and congratulations on your pregnancy!

@Avie29 thank you! This baby will be worth it too!! xx

@user1464279374 Congratulations!!! It's tough but we do what we need to do because we love them and it's all worth it! Good luck with your pregnancy too xx

Awww congratulations! I hope you have a smooth pregnancy.

Thank you @BluesandClues xx

I take my hat off to you and wish you good luck and congratulations with your pregnancy.

Had I not read to your most recent post, I would have said seriously consider termination.

If my third child was my first, he would have been an only child.

As you know, it’s really hard bringing up/caring for a severely disabled child. We are now 22 years down the line and life is still just as difficult as the baby stage.

I couldn’t have risked having another child with those additional needs but also would have felt so incredibly guilty having a nt child who naturally becomes a young carer.

Yay! Love your attitude OP. Lucky children to have you as their mum. Do your pelvic floor exercises though...

I am prepared for a long hard road @Anewuser

I can understand why you wouldn't have another child. It is extremely hard. It's not much of a life for us making sure they have everything they need. It's also very rewarding and teaches you never to take anything for granted. The little things are the big things. It's a new adventure

Haha @Corksoles I will definitely do them! I am a personal trainer so will be making sure I am extremely fit and well for the baby coming. I will definitely need to be fit afterwards. Tena lady's just in case

And thank you

You’re exactly right about the small things - I remember my sister crying once when we’d taught my son to lift his hand for ‘round and round the garden.’

Take one step at a time. I wish you and your little ones lots of luck.

Keep the baby, bin the partner.
I think the autism concerns are a red herring here... what if baby is not autistic, but Deaf, for instance, would he 'forgive' you for that?
He sounds horrid, your kids sound delightful, and I wish you lots of love and luck, whatever you decide x

Aww lovely @Anewuser

Thank you x

Thank you @Catbustotoro

You are right! He is trying to punish me for something that is completely outwith my control. He is definitely not in the picture now. Deleted and blocked.

Unfortunately advanced age is also a risk for autism. Nobody can tell you what you feel but with two dc already diagnosed, one with significant challenges, I would be very wary if I were you. I admit i would not have had dd2 if dd1 had been diagnosed before I was pregnant (they are close in age) because it was so challenging bringing up dd1. Dd2 is not autistic but is neurodivergent in a different way, though undiagnosed.

My eldest now an adult is now almost independent, somewhat surprisingly because at 21 it was looking like you would need supported living once she left home. She definitely developed on a different track but carried on gaining skills far longer than typically developing people, like she's 7-8 years behind (like having an 18 year old, sort of independent but on the phone asking for help)