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Original poster

Persuading DH that antenatal classes are important

65 replies

Netball01 · 01/05/2024 07:56

Hi ladies - I want to book an antenatal course (bumps & babies) and my usually supportive husband is absolutely adamant that it’s all a waste of time & money and is saying he won’t go.

We are the first in our family and friendship circle to have a baby so I’ve got no one whose been & can help change his mind.

Has anyone been in this situation and been able to persuade them ?

I was hoping it would be a chance to make some friends as well but feel like it will be embarrassing attending alone when I have a husband (different for single mums of course but it’s humiliating when there’s no valid reason for him not to come).

OP posts:

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Huldrafolk · 01/05/2024 08:01

Not exactly a good sign that this guy is committed to being a hands-on father, is it? Or is he incredibly experienced from several previous marriages and offspring, and will recognise the symptoms of pre-eclampsia, help you with birth breathing, and deal with the meconium nappies without instruction?

Toastiecroissant · 01/05/2024 09:19

I’m not sure how important they are really, but if you feel like you need or want the support and reassurance of going to them, and you want to create a support network for yourself from them then that makes them important enough.
unless there’s a drip feed here and you’re massively in debt and struggling to pay your rent, and that’s why he’s concerned, I think he should be being supportive of you as the pregnant person and the one who will be on her own in mat leave in the couple. It doesn’t really matter if he thinks they’re important or not, the person who needs the support thinks they are.

Maybethisyearornext · 01/05/2024 09:21

I dont think the content is particularly important, but making friends is nice, and you don't need him there for that, in fact it might be easier without him

Helar · 01/05/2024 09:28

What books has he read about labour and childbirth? I would be seriously unimpressed with this. He needs a good knowledge so that he can adequately support you and advocate for you and his child during one of the most challenging, vulnerable and risky experiences of your life.

I would say something like that. Or ask him whether he thinks a vacuum or forceps delivery would be safer and why in what circumstances? What are the risks of pitocin? Does he even know what that is? Stress that you may be unable to speak so it will be down to him to communicate your wishes to the obstetrician. Is he up to the job?

BubbleTheTea · 01/05/2024 09:29

Does he know what to expect for labour and delivery? Has he done any research at all or is he thinking that you will be making all the decisions not realising that you might be completely different when in pain and he needs to advocate for you. Dh had to advocate for me when I was quite frankly off my face on gas and air and mid contraction when the doctor was talking to the midwife making decisions about me and my body. There was no way I was taking that mouth piece out so I just wide eyed at Dh and he knew exactly what I wanted.

Don't they also do things like nappies on dolls, dressing etc so if neither of you have experience of that it might be helpful. I had a nephew so had already done that sort of thing, washing his face, nappy changing, feeding etc.

BubbleTheTea · 01/05/2024 09:30

Yes, to what @Helar says, different types of assisted delivery.

Embargomargo · 01/05/2024 09:33

I didn’t find antenatal classes very fulfilling or informative to be honest.

However he ought to be supportive of your wishes.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/05/2024 09:34

Honestly the content of those classes is not important, they are more about making "nice" friends as far as I can see. Explain that to him that this is important because you are going to be on maternity leave and need people to hang out with who also have new babies, and he should at least attend the first few.

stripes92 · 01/05/2024 09:35

The classes are useless, but go anyway to make friends with other new parents.

Blue2020 · 01/05/2024 09:39

I attended the online sessions the hospital provided and my dh didn’t join in, apart from the caring for your baby session which he did. To be honest while I found it all interesting, none of it actually helped me. The only parts I remembered was what happens with contractions (I didn’t make it that far), they covered the type of drugs but I forgot them all anyway. I didn’t really remember much, when the doctors said they wanted to induce me I forgot what was said on that topic, before I was induced it switched to a emcs and again I forgot what was involved.

In person might be more useful. Ask if he could attend the first session with you if you want him there?

My dh has been hands on and incredible post partum. I don’t think he needed those online sessions, I didn’t as it turned out. However in person might have been better to meet people. It’s why people pay a lot for nct, primarily to make friends. I made a great small friend group from baby classes as it turned out.

HopeOneOfThosePeopleIsAMonkeyBecauseThisIsBanana · 01/05/2024 09:41

The classes don’t offer much tbh and I was one of the only women there with a DH in tow. It means they all avoided us, because they felt awkward around DH I imagine, and they all made friends together and I ended up on the edge of their group. However, it’s not great that he won’t even entertain the idea.

JandL2020 · 01/05/2024 09:43

My partner was same. Couldn’t change a
nappy etc..baby is 8 days old…he is great, he is learning the basics, as we both are.
say to him its important to you and you want to meet new mums too - and would he consider coming to some of the classes? Re: birth stuff and basics then maybe not attend the breast feeding one for example? If you meet in the middle sort of thing x

TheCultureHusks · 01/05/2024 09:44

Just start musing on who else you should ask to come along with you, and whether he thinks that they would be a good birth partner. Your mum? Best friend?

If he immediately starts spluttering and saying but of course it will be HIM at the delivery blah, then you look confused and say, you do realise that the birth and what happens around it is basically going to happen TO ME and if your attitude is already that you get to decide on whether or not you support what I want depending on whether YOU think it a a good idea or that it’s needed, then I’ll probably choose not to have you as my prime support? We may be becoming parents together, but the birth isn’t 50:50. If you’re already seeing some of this as you getting to decide on what happens instead of it simply being about what I feel comfortable and supported by, make no mistake, you won’t be part of the conversation at all until the birth is safely out of the way.

BiggerBoat1 · 01/05/2024 09:45

The classes themselves are useless, but its nice to meet some people in the same boat as you.

BlastedPimples · 01/05/2024 09:46

So he knows by osmosis all about labour, birth, all the options does he?

Super.

I bet if it were him doing all the organ y and birth, he would go to the classes.

Education and learning about things is never a waster of time.

HoneyButterPopcorn · 01/05/2024 09:49

Don’t ask him to go - flipping tell him!

TheCultureHusks · 01/05/2024 09:51

I mean, I never went to antenatal classes and don’t feel I missed out. But that’s not the point.

The point is that you’re at the start of the whole birth thing and already he has the attitude that he is in the 50:50 position on decisions and options that has presumably been (quite rightly) the norm during your lives together so far. He needs to be shown quite bluntly that this is a different scenario. Birth risks your life, literally. It’s also tied up most devastatingly with your own mental health. If he wants a good outcome for your whole family-to-be, then his major job is to support you in the way you feel you need. If he can’t do that it’s better you get that support somewhere else, father or not. This may be a small example, but it’s a really important point.

YouveGotAFastCar · 01/05/2024 09:57

I mean, ours was dire for advice, so I'm not sure he will be missing out. They talked a lot about candles and fairy lights in the waiting room, but there was little practical advice. I'm glad he was there, though. It was nice to prepare together and it did mean that for some of the more useful ones, like the breastfeeding one, he knew what to expect better and could remind me of some of the advice.

Of the 8 couples in our group, 1 came by herself every week as her husband couldn't make it (although she later said he just wasn't interested), and 1 came with her mum every week instead.

I'm not sure that someone telling you they are important will change his mind. I'd be more interested in understanding why he's not interested in going, and what that says about his attitude to pregnancy/labour/the baby. Is he opting out of being at the birth, too? Nappies? Night wakes?

BurbageBrook · 01/05/2024 10:29

It's a bad sign that he's so dismissive. Mine was actually really good, but they do vary. A lack of willingness to consider it though would really annoy me. Even if he has older kids or is an obstetrician it's a nice way to make friends!

Yazoop · 01/05/2024 10:40

I’m surprised that people are saying that the classes are useless. I just had my first session (with bump and baby) and found it a really helpful and well structured run through of all the different aspects of labour. My husband found it really helpful too and there was a decent amount of focus on what role the partner plays, which often gets sidetracked in midwife appointments etc as understandably the focus is on what’s going on with mum.

showmethegin · 01/05/2024 10:41

My DP was a bit sceptical about it but I think more because he has a bit of social anxiety and worried about the social aspect of it. But I explained that he wasn't going to be at the birth as an observer but as an advocate for me.

We did NCT and he actually really enjoyed it. Got on well with the other husbands there and learnt loads. Said the course made him feel more self confident in his abilities to support me properly and know a little more to expect (as much as you can with your first baby!).

Peonies12 · 01/05/2024 10:42

I think it's a bad sign he is being dismissive, my DH was more keen than I am to attend NCT. If you want to go, he needs to go. It's just as important he learns the info as you do - more important in fact, so he can advocate for your birth preferences. I know you could learn the info from books or online but having the discussion and social side will be invaluable.

Vatika · 01/05/2024 10:45

I see no problem with going alone. I did them all by myself and DH is the best dad I could wish for my children. Absense of any classes didn't affect him in the slightest. Each to their own.
Not going doesn't meanhe will be a bad dad.
Tell him you just want his company

Bumblebeeinatree · 01/05/2024 10:46

Never occurred to me my that my DH would go. I never asked or suggested it. He would have been at work and I don't think it would have been worth him taking time off for. We did talk about what happened there, but he really didn't need to be there.

TheCultureHusks · 01/05/2024 10:50

But the issue is not whether the classes are important or not. That’s entirely subjective.

There also isn’t any problem with going alone.

The problem is, OP is the one who is going to go through birth. He is supposed to be her support. The first time she says, right I want to do X and I want you there too, I think it would be beneficial for me and help me with preparing for the birth… and he says effectively, ‘no I don’t agree, I don’t WANT to give that particular support’ - ie I’ll pick and choose what I deem is the support I want to give.

Ok, that’s not how supporting someone through giving birth works.

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